Tina Fey: Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin Records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company, although Virgin Records will now have to change its name to Skank Records.
Tina Fey: The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down Hollywood's Avenue of the Stars ...coked out of its mind.
Tina Fey: The FBI will install high-tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh's execution. Which means that on May 16th some young man that thinks he's watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection. Whatever works.
Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.
Tina Fey: In Washington last week officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 high school students. There were no survivors.
Jimmy Fallon: Carol Denis, a former back-up singer for Bob Dylan, said this week that from 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it's just that whenever he told people that, they couldn't understand a word he said.
Tina Fey: On Thursday the crew of the downed EP-3 spy plane returned to American soil. China, however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that if they want the plane back they'll just have to go on eBay and bid like everybody else.
Tina Fey: On his trip to India last week ,Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls' college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of Frigid Pear-Shaped Harpy University.
Jimmy Fallon: According to White House aides during the standoff with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was however in constant contact with his most trusted advisor, his Magic 8-Ball.
Classic Music Classics Choir: He...Who...Smelt It Dealt It...Smelt It, Dealt It, Smelt It, Dealt It."
Tina Fey: This week, Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face, died. He is survived by his wife (shows woman's bathroom sign) and two children (shows "school crossing" sign).
Jonathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of puh-ginas?
Sketches cut after dress rehearsal: A sketch about a group playing a science fiction game; "Five Finger Discount," a short film where people steal dogs; a sketch where two people (Tracy Morgan, Maya Rudolph) help a woman (Renee Zellweger) get Black hair; and a sketch where Woodrow (Tracy Morgan) woos Renee into his sewer to sing.
Sandra Bullock was originally supposed to host this episode, but she dropped out at the last minute.
Molly Shannon makes a cameo appearance during the "Crazy Doctor" sketch. She had been in the studio earlier in the week when the cast taped the "SNL Mother's Day 2001" special, and they decided to add her to the sketch.