Saturday Night Live Season 2 Episode 5

Danny M-125: Uh... U.S. History for $10,000.
Art F-114: Okay! "First President to accidentally kill himself in office." [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Yes. Laraine?
Laraine A-270: "Who was Gerald Ford?"
Art F-114: I'm sorry, that's wrong. Remember, it says here: "In office". [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh... "Who was Walter Mondale?"
Art F-114: That's right! Go ahead, Lee!

Chevy Chase: On a seriouser side... on a more serious side... on the more serious side, Chairman Mao was finally laid to rest this week after much discussion as to what to do with his body. After weeks of debate, it was decided that the fallen Chinese leader be buried in a takeout seminary. The family decided this would be best, as it's cheaper, it's open twenty-four hours a day, and it's within delivery distance of Peking.

Chevy Chase: Carlo Gambino, the underworld's notorious Capo de Tuti Capo -or, Boss of All Bosses- was laid to rest this week as a power struggle raged for his Mafia family leadership. The funeral service was simple, highlighted by a chorus of mourners singing "Ciao Ciao, Gambino", as the casket was sprinkled with sausages and anchovies, and sealed in pizza oven.

Chevy Chase: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, buck private George Brown, apologized for his remark that Israel was a military burdon to the United States. Brown stated that what he meant to say was: "Let's leave the dumb Jews helpless."

Chevy Chase: Probably the biggest surprise of last night's debates was when Jimmy Carter, to the confusion of everyone, revealed that, when the mood hits him, he likes to dress up like Eleanor Roosevelt.

Chevy Chase: Commenting on the early polls, Jimmy Carter said he didn't care much. But Ford's comments were: "The Poles are an independent and autonomous people, and I don't believe they consider themselves to be under Soviet domination."

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: President Ford and Governor Jimmy Carter emerged from their third and final debate virtually even in the preliminary polls. The Burns-Roper Poll showed Carter to be a winner by a substantial margin of 40% to 29%. However, an AP Poll showed Ford the winner by a margin of 35.5% to 33.1%. A panel of ten experts found Ken Norton to be the winner.

Chevy Chase: [talking into the phone] Noooo... you're not supposed to blow on it, that's just an expression. [looks up at the camera] I have to go. [hangs up the phone]

Steve Martin: We on? [waves hands in mock protest] Okay, okay, okay, okay. To, uh, open the show, I always like to do one thing that IS impossible. [holds up straw from water glass] So right now I'm going to suck this stool into my lungs. [bends over stool and tries to suck stool through straw - nothing happens, of course - straightens up, with mock disappointment] Oh, darn. [throws straw away] Okay! Well, here's something you don't often see. [jumps up and down twice, grunting, wild-eyed, while stretching corners of mouth with fingers]

Chevy Chase: [opening "Weekend Update"]  Good evening, I'm Rod McKuen.