Saturday Night Live Season 33 Episode 6

Amy Poehler: Lurch, a dog in Michigan, was given the Pet's Best Friend Award by a local American Red Cross chapter, for donating blood over 20 times. Now, obviously, Lurch can't talk - but if he could, I think he would say "Mmn, my balls are delicious."

Amy Poehler: Rapper Snoop Dogg was given a desk appearance ticket Wednesday night in New York for possesion of marijuana. Snoop called the ticket "unfair" and "hard to roll."

Tina Fey: And maybe what bothers me the most is that people say that Hillary is a bitch. And let me say something about that: yeah, she is! And so am I, and so is this one! (pointing towards Amy)
Amy Poehler: Yeah, deal with it!
Tina Fey: Yeah, you know what? Bitches get stuff done! That's why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers, and not priests. Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots, and they're allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year you hated those b***hes, but you knew the capital of Vermont! So I'm saying it's not too late, Texas and Ohio, get on board! B***h is the new black!

Tina Fey: And then there is the scrutiny of her [Hillary Clinton's] physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right-wing radio, said that he doesn't think America is ready to watch their president, quote "turn into an old lady in front of them". Really? They didn't seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.

Tina Fey: You know, what's it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they're [the Clintons] married? Cause I can promise you, they are having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.

Tina Fey: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they're put off by the fact that Hillary can't "control her husband," and that we would end up with "co-presidents". Cause that would be terrible, having two intelligent, qualified people working together to solve problems. "Ugh, why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show 'Starsky!'"

Tina Fey: I think we can all agree that it's a great time to be a lady in America. And not just because of that new yogurt that helps you poop. Although, on the serious side, thank you for that yogurt.

Amy Poehler: A kitten that ran out of its carrier case in a New York City subway platform has been found, after 25 days in the underground tunnels. The kitten reportedly survived by hooking up with a hip-hop dance crew.

Amy Poehler: The New York Times this week printed an article that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, "lobbying."

Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates we're going to have a question from an ordinary citizen chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight's questioner is Obama Girl.
Obama Girl: (singing) Senator Obama, I can't wait 'till 2008... baby you're the best candidate. Yes, I've got a crush on Obama. Yes, I've got a crush on Obama...
Hillary Clinton: Excuse me, I'm sorry. I've really got to say something here. First of all, that wasn't even a question. Second, she was lip syncing. Third, I find it really difficult to believe this questioner was chosen at random.
Campbell Brown: Senator Clinton, if you ever interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?

Campbell Brown: Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally in the tank for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these biases hidden, but please remember we are only human.

Tina Fey: A new study shows that strokes have tripled in recent years among middle-aged women, which doctors blame on obesity... and which I blame on 65-year-old women calling themselves middle-aged.

Tina Fey: B**** is the new black!