Hike!
5.0
A Review by the Former "Heystu," The All-American Amateur Critic
Before I start this review, let me just say that I have a great respect for Tom Brady as an athlete. I am by no means a Patriots fan (I'm from Chicago and we'll leave it at that), but there is without a doubt no finer quarterback in the NFL. I've been following his career from the get-go, from the moment I bought his rookie card* for one measly dollar five years ago. The card was only worth about a buck fifty at the time (what a steal!), but once he resurrected New England from mediocrity with three Super Bowl wins in four years, that card experienced a thirty fold increase in value. Despite my earlier hesitance, I don't think I've ever made a stronger investment in my life.
More than likely, my glowing opinion of Tom Brady will not be affected by his performance tonight on SNL. Athlete hosts are consistently mediocre, from the blatant cue-card reliance of Wayne Gretzky and Andy Roddick to the utter stiffness of Deion Sanders and Derek Jeter. Heck, even early athlete-hosts like OJ Simpson and Fran Tarkenton left a very minimal impact on the show. This may not help the show in any way, but at least we can count on another wacky performance from Mr. Beck Hansen, tonight's musical guest and a certified five-timer.
And now, the sketch-by-sketch analysis:
COLD OPENING: Majority Leader Tom Delay (CP) straightens things out while trying to quell the scandal that will eventually end his political career. It looks good at first, but the whole sketch goes off the deep end when he repeats that one joke Tina made on "Update" last week, and then shows a stock-footage montage of his opponents being wiped out.
MONOLOGUE: The cast tries to prevent Tom from doing an embarrassing song-and-dance number, only to hesitantly join in. Not even the blatant exaggerations could make this funny.
"Dr. Porkenheimer's Boner Juice": A third go-around for the faux impotence remedy.
"Football Toss": An Average Joe (Tom) with an apparent learning disability can't seem to get the football through the target, even though a very pregnant woman (RD), an old woman in a Rascal scooter (AP), and two life partners (FA, SM) beat him to the punch. He eventually settles for a smaller prize, thus bringing this lame sketch to an anticlimactic end.
"Dr. Phil": Darrell Hammond finds yet another great impression up his sleeve as Quick Draw McGraw, who gives nonsense advice to a husband (Tom) too dense to listen to his wife (RD). All in all, this was an passable skit that semi-accurately depicted the goings-on of the hit daytime talk show.
"The Falconer": It's truly a "Freaky Tuesday" when a lightning bolt forces our feathered hero and the dude with the beard (WF) to switch identities. A parade of non-sequiturs ensues, from a hiker (Tom) carrying a backpack full of Snickers bars despite an allergy to peanuts to a Chinese apothecary (HS) staging a cockfight. I've always had a soft spot for this delightfully daffy recurring bit, but this was the weakest one yet.
SMIGELFILM: That's right, film. To be specific, a 1950's hygiene film produced by GE focuses on the topic of sexual harassment, where an attractive men (Tom) is treated more compassionately than someone not as eye-catching (FA). Okay execution, but it lacked the aesthetic.
"Tom Brady's Falafel City": In the proud tradition of Derek Jeter, Reverend Al Sharpton, and The Donald, tonight's host opens a vanity exotic-food restaurant in central New Jersey, complete with a jingle that would put Jan & Dean to shame. Despite an unnecessary appearance by Dennis DeYoung (HS) that proved that our host is capable of emotion, this was a pretty good ad spoof.
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: From his new album Guero, Beck plays the crunchy lead-off track "E-Pro."
WEEKEND UPDATE: Jokes about "everlasting gobstoppers" and prescription breast implants lead into a segment with none other than Jiminy Glick, the obese concoction of former cast member Martin Short. After mangling Tina's name about a half-dozen times, we watch an awkward interview with young Lorne Michaels (WF), an interesting prerecorded bit marred by dialogue ripped straight out of last month's "First Five Years" special.
"Caitlin The Bridesmaid": With "Debbie Downer" apparently having been laid to rest, the show's last remaining popular recurring character has a fourth go-around. This time, the super-spaz runs around annoying her stepfather Rick and her engaged Uncle Steve (Tom) while obsessing over her participation in a wedding. Amy usually knows where exactly she steps the line between spontaneous and annoying, which is what gives the sketch its delicate balance, but this time around she was way off the radar.
"Behind The Music": Does VH1 still air this show? If so, the concept does feel a little dated. Either way, this particular edition of the long-running fame n' flameout documentary series profiles the '85 Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew, led by punky QB Jim McMahon (Tom) and Levitra-obsessed coach Mike Ditka (HS) describe the narcissistic rise and fall of the Super Bowl XX champs. I have two nitpicks about this sketch (remind you, I'm from Chicago, so bear with me): first, it would've been a lot more interesting if they had more cast members impersonating members of the team; secondly, it would've worked a lot better with the cast from five years ago.
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: Mr. Hansen and the boys bounce around with "Girl."
"An Evening With Charlie Coffee": An alcoholic Minnelli-type (MR) stumbles her way through a performance and humiliates herself in the process. Essentially, this is another mediocre sketch with yet another stock Maya character that will fall into obscurity very, very fast.
"Backstage": Tom is crossed in the hallway by a jealous Peyton Manning (SM), an indifferent Dovovan McNabb (FM) and his omnipresent mother (KT) in a three-minute period of ennui clearly written to kill some time before the credits.
While the writing may not have been as lazy as it was last week, it was still mediocre overall, with the cast trying in vain to hide its flaws and succeeding to a point. Tom Brady was almost zombie-like in his stint as host, which I guess explains why athletes never host more than once. Beck proved to be, as he usually is, a bewildering and exciting stage presence with moments of spastic glee.
Sketches That Will Probably Be Removed In Reruns: "Dr. Porkenheimer," "Football Toss," "Behind the Music," and "Backstage."
In Three Weeks: Former "Jackass" star Johnny Knoxville is an out-of-left-field choice as host, with headbangers System of a Down as musical guest.
The author of this article is a college student and sometime comedy writer based in Downers Grove, Illinois. Feel free to contact him at sma17kc@netscape.net
*2000 Playoff Prestige #286. It's pretty sweet. I also have his Bowman card from the same year, which is worth about half as much.moreless