Scrubs

Turk: Baby, since we got married, I've done every little thing you've asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay? Carla: Okay. Turk: Really, that quick? Carla: I love it when you're all "my woman this, my woman that."

Carla: Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It's morning already? Turk: No. But I could see how you'd think that, being that it's light out and we're in bed.

J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please? Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you? J.D.: I'm a little busy right now, Perry! Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I'll come back later. J.D.: Oh, and another thing. From now on, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as "Dr. Dorian." Dr. Cox: Are you really doing this? J.D.: You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about! Dr. Cox: Wrap it up, there, bingo. J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys! Dr. Cox: The next minute you find yourself alone, I'm gonna kill ya. J.D.: It was worth it.

Molly: Hey, Carla, can you warn everyone that Mike gets a little handsy when he's on the pain-killers? Carla: Dr. Vaji already told us. Dr. Vaji: It was horrible.

Elliot's Narration: As I watched Molly gently stroke the hand of a convicted felon, I had to admit his eyes were stunning.

Molly: Elliot, I'm sorry- Elliot: Ah, you don't have to say anything - I know all about how it is when you think a guy is great and he ends up being a car thief. Molly: Well, you know, relationships are never perfect, and... and Mike's got a lot of potential. He's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Elliot's Narration: Oh my God, my mentor's a crazy person!

Molly: Hey! Uh, we gotta do the dinner another night. Elliot: How come? Molly: Well, Mike got up early this morning and he wanted to read the paper, and I don't get it, so then he went to the neighbors', and they don't get it either, so he broke into their garage and stole their car and wrapped it around a telephone pole.

Elliot's Narration: Enough! He's never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all! Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you- Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don't even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it's walking away from me.

Carla: Turk! It's bedtime. Turk: Baby, when you said we'd go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you'd stay up until I went to sleep. Carla: Turk. That's crazy talk! Turk: The guys are here and it's the ninth inning! Todd: Gentlemen, a moment for our fallen comrade. Whip cracks

Turk: Check out my man getting his leadership on! First he hits 'em with a little preparation. J.D.: Are there any more questions about evolving treatment therapies? Turk: Next, inspiration. J.D.: Now, I just want you to know, you guys all have the potential to be amazing doctors. Turk: And finally, a dose of fear. J.D.: M'kay, I'll see you guys... AAAAGGGHHH!!! Residents: Agh! J.D.: AAAGGGHHH! Residents: Agh! J.D.: AGH! Residents: Agh! Turk: Okay, fear might need a little work, but otherwise Smurftastic! J.D.: That's how I Smurf, baby. Todd: Mm, Smurfette. Blue boobies.

Molly: 'Scuse me. Yeah, those are my boobs. Have you had time to go over my proposal? Dr. Kelso: Ah, yes, medical care for crazy homeless people. Sounds like a money-maker.

Molly: See Dr. Kelso over there? I have to go over and justify my program for our psychotic homeless population? Am I scared to go over to his table of stuffy fat guys, 'cause I know they're just gonna stare and my chest the whole time? Of course! But... I'm just gonna act confident, and they're gonna believe that I'm confident!

Molly: So how's it going? Elliot: I'm freaking out about grand rounds today because Dr. Cox hung me out to dry again. Molly: You'll be fine. Just do what I do: Fake it till you make it. Elliot: Like when a guy is really bad in bed and you pretend that he is awesome so he doesn't go to a special store, buy one of those weird pumps, and then accidentally run into your dad? Molly: Kind of...

J.D.: Ooh, are we playing pillow feet again?

J.D.: Oh, I'm researching some leadership techniques for my residents. Turk: Well, you're better off watching good ol' Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf. J.D.: "Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear"? Turk: You know it.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, one of you two is going to speak at grand rounds today. Elliot's Narration: And here comes the part where he throws me to the wolves to protect his little protégé. Dr. Cox: Meenie, miney... aha... moe. Barbie, you're up. Elliot's Narration: Perfect.

Dr. Cox: Well, then, why don't you go ahead and get that young resident back there to come up here? J.D.: Easy. Lonnie? Lonnie: Not right now! Dr. Cox whistles. Lonnie: Yessir? Dr. Cox: Slap yourself very hard in the face, then leave.

Elliot's Narration: Here it comes. Another condescending rant about how we suck at our jobs. Dr. Cox: Since you two have become chief residents, I've noticed that your leadership skills are - how can I put this delicately? - eh... crap.

J.D.: Sorry I'm late! I was recording some thoughts and I slipped and fell. Dr. Cox: Gimme this! J.D.'s Tape Recorder: Possible nicknames for Dr. Cox when we become best friends: The Coxinator. Cox of Seagulls.

Elliot's Narration: Molly's nervous because her boyfriend's in town. Molly: You know, Mike's kind of private, so when we go out to dinner, just pretend I never told you any of that personal stuff. Elliot: Gotcha. Elliot's Narration: Mike's got a curved peep.

Carla: Turk! You just got schooled on rap by the two whitest chicks in America! Turk: None of you can prove it! J.D.: I got it on tape!

J.D.: Half of what rappers say doesn't make any sense. Like that Snoop Dogg-Dr. Dre song? What does "still hittin' them corners and those ho-hos girl" mean? Turk: Many disadvantaged African-Americans have limited nutritional choices, therefore they must subsist on Ho-Ho snack cakes. It's a black thing, bro.

Molly: Hey, I got you a blueberry muffin, but I know you don't like blueberries, so I picked them all out.

Elliot: Excuse me! Heh! Elliot's Narration: Why did I say "excuse me"? He bumped in to me! I have to stop doing that. Elliot: Excuse me! Elliot's Narration: Frick!

J.D.: (Singing) I'm feeling so good today! (He jumps, falls, gets up and looks around) J.D.: (Singing) I still feel good 'cause nobody saw me fall!

Dr.Cox: Heyyy, camelbutt! I heard you and Carla talking earlier. Elliot's Narration: Frick on a stick with a brick! Just leave... Dr. Cox: Whoa now, what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a hell of a lot to shake off that tongue lashing you gave me yesterday. Elliot: Yeah well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can't even hold together their personal life? Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected. Maybe it's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people, I don't know. But, answer me one question: do you think I'm a good teacher? Elliot: To some people. Dr. Cox: Fair enough, why don't we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two year old son calls me "pewwy," and, this is something that I've never actually shared with anybody before, but on Saturday nights I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me "Mrs. Habberdasher." Elliot: (laughs) No you don't. Dr. Cox: Well even if I did, it wouldn't really matter seeing as it has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie; the point is that if you've finally found someone who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.

Turk: (To J.D.) Our TV's working. Why are you reading?

Elliot's narration: There's Dr. Kelso. Ok, you're Chief Resident now. So, say "hi" but don´t stop or you'll have to come up with something to say. And you know you don´t improvise well. Elliot: Hi, Dr. Kelso!!! Dr. Kelso : Dr. Reed. Elliot: I see you've trimmed your nose hair!! Elliot's narration: Frick on a stick!!!

Elliot´s narration: (About Molly) She´s the Peppermint Patty to my Marcie. You know, minus the thick glasses and the strong lesbian vibe.

Carla: Oh, hey, Turk, would you pour me a cup of decaf, please? We gotta go to bed early tonight. Dr. Kelso: I'll have some of that decaf, son! Turk: Sir, see, this is regular. Yeah, I gotta give Carla the strong stuff just to keep her awake so I can stay up a little later. Dr. Kelso: Ahh, drugging your own wife. Been there. Turk: Mm. Dr. Kelso: Careful, though. Starts out with coffee, next thing you know, you're rooting around the nightstand for an adrenaline shot to counteract a Valium overdose.

Elliot's Narration: Okay, you can't bend that way anymore, 'cause when you do, that last vertebrae above your butt sticks out and makes you look like a prehistoric camel. Carla: What are you thinking? Elliot: Same ol', same ol'. Carla: Camel-butt? Elliot: Yeah...

Turk: Dude, I've got my own problems! I've got a bedtime again! I haven't had a bedtime in like twelve years! J.D.: You had a bedtime when you were seventeen? Turk: No! Not every night. On the weekends I didn't have to be in bed by 11, but I had to be in my room. J.D.: Oh. That's way cooler.

J.D.: I'm sorry I'm late, but I was singing and I fell. And I know I've used the falling excuse before, but it happened again! Dr. Cox: Look! I know the only thing you've ever been responsible for was picking which Duran Duran cover band would play at your sorority formal, but you're supposed to be teaching these kids. So how's about you learn how to walk, ditch the tape recorder, and act like you got a pair! Lonnie: Ha-ha! J.D.: (Into recorder) Kill Lonnie.

Elliot's Narration: Oh, my God. How does she eat like that and stay so thin? If I didn't love her so much, I'd totally spread rumors that she's bulimic.

J.D.'s Narration: I love my new tape recorder. Not only is it a time-saver, I can record my every thought. J.D.: (Into recorder) I like toast. J.D.'s Narration: They aren't all winners.

J.D.: (into tape recorder) Mrs. MacCalla, 40s, moderately attractive, condition improving. Mrs. MacCalla: Did you just say I was moderately attractive? J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. MacCalla. (into tape recorder) Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

Dr. Cox: Tell you what there Gidget. If you leave right now, I won't yell at you, I won't yell at you in front of your peons anymore. J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that's not messed up. Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I will come up to you for something, you'll tell me you're too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs: problem solved. J.D.: Can you pull off contrite? Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way? J.D.: Should've seen that coming.

J.D.: Doctor Cox! Dr. Cox: Hold on. Say Bob, did you happen to order any of the pain-in-the ass? Dr. Kelso: No. Dr. Cox: (To J.D.) We didn't order any of the pain-in-the-ass. J.D.: You yelled at me in front of my residents! Dr. Cox: I didn't yell at ya. (J.D. plays back a recording of Dr. Cox yelling at him) Dr. Kelso: (Leaving) I'll let you two talk. Oh, and Perry. I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that earlier, I wish I'd said "I must have ordered the pain-in-the-ass, seeing as you're sitting there." Dr. Cox: Here I was thinking the same thing Bob, let's do this again.

Todd: That outfit would look better on my floor. Molly: Mistake. (Lassos Todd) Todd: Oh no, the lasso of truth! (Struggles) I once had a threesome... and not the cool kind!

Dr. Cox: How uh.. how old is this patient? Elliot: Seventy-nine. Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And how old would you say he was when you started this procedure? (...) Oh my god, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her and send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it's taken you to finish it.