Scrubs

Dr. Cox: Oh look what we have here. It's a visual representation of how alcohol affects different ages. We have the young. Julie: (Perfectly fine) Morning! Dr. Cox: The slightly older. Elliot: (Her head in her hands) Please stop talking. Dr. Cox: The slightly older still. Carla: (Her head also in her hands and mumbles something) Dr. Cox: And last the very, very, very old. (Jordan's sitting with sunglasses on and her arms crosses) She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness. (Shakes her) Jordaroo! Jordalicious! Jordaroni!

Turk: You're just too picky with women. J.D.: You used to be the same way. Somehow you got over it and now you're married. Turk: That's cause I was never as bad as you. J.D.: Oh really? Remember Whitney the Snapper? (Flashback to Turk in college sitting on a bed with Whitney) Turk: I just wanted to say thanks for dinner tonight. Whitney: And for dessert you're gonna get a little Whitney... à (snaps) la (snaps) mode (snaps) . Turk: Get out.

Julie: (While watching Uncle Buck) That's so funny. That's so funny. Look how big that pancake is. That's so funny. J.D.: (In pain) Make her stop. Julie: That's so funny!

Elliot: I remember my first exam with Dr. Matthews. He said, "You're very healthy down there." And then I said "right back at you." And then there was this weird little awkward pause, so I said, "I like to keep a clean shop." And then he asked to see my insurance card.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, listen to me. You never stop being annoyed by the little things, ever. Take Gandhi here. Your wife is the bossiest woman I've ever met. Are you trying to tell me that you're not bothered by that anymore? Turk: Sometimes I watch Roots to remind myself how good I've got it. J.D.: Me too. Dr. Cox: Everyone is annoying. I mean, take Jordan. She is just now returning from what I can only assume is her eleventh gynecological visit this month. Jordan: I'm saving my breast exam for when you go away next month. Dr. Cox: Upsetting but we preserve. Bottom line: There is no such thing as a perfect person. You, tell her.

Turk: If you've found someone who makes you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter. Turk puts his hand on J.D.'s shoulder and J.D. holds it and moans Turk: Dude, not me. J.D.: I know.

Turk: Let's think about some of the great girls you let slip through your fingers. Kylie, Jamie, Gift Shop Girl, Mini McSkinny, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumple Fugly...I'm forgetting someone... Carla's narration: Oh my god Turk, if you forget Elliot she's going to cry. Carla: Turk, aren't you forgetting the greatest girl of them all? (Discretely gesturing at a dejected Elliot) Turk: (Snaps) Heidi Horseface! Elliot: Me! Turk, she is talking about me, ok!? J.D.: Relax, Elliot, you're Mole Butt. Elliot: Really? (Becomes happy) Sorry Turk.

Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie? J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her? Turk: What are you doing? J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so that I don't mess this relationship up. Turk: I don't understand. J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow. You know what? It's time for her to meet the people in my life. I think she's going to do great .

Turk: She's not a guy, honey. Besides, "Young Carla" is a compliment. Carla: Really? Well, how would you feel if I said, "Hey, it's 'Skinny Turk'?" Carla's Narration: And now his boyfriend will comfort him. J.D.: Don't listen to her, Brown Bear. Your body's fierce. Turk: Is it? J.D.: Like Taye Diggs. Turk: Taye Diggs.

J.D.: You know what's interesting Turk? She's not saying "that's so sad". She's actually crying. Turk: You're an idiot. J.D.: Yes I am.

Julie: Did you know J.D.'s parents thought that he was going to be a girl. They didn't have a name ready when he was born, so until he was three years old, they called him Johanna. Dr. Cox: I don't know who you are, but thank you for this.

Janitor:You know I’m not going to have a kid until that genetic technology they’ve been talking about available for everyone. Carla: So you want to pick the sex and eye colour. Janitor: No, gills. When that day comes it’s goodbye hospital, hello father son treasure hunting team. Carla: Wow. Well you better get cracking, what are you like forty-five. Janitor: Forty-three. I know I look a little older but that’s just because I drink and smoke heavily and work with chemicals and sleep on my face. Carla: No hard feelings. Janitor: I swear on my unborn fish boys life, she will pay.

Turk: Don’t worry about it baby we’ll just keep trying. Remember that magazine I read about how important it is for the men to have a high protein diet… Carla: Turk for the last time you are not eating ribs while we do ‘it’. Turk: You let me have no fun.

Julie: Hey look, the Clarks are home! J.D.'s narration: Unfortunately the Clarks felt that if we weren't building a house, we weren't technically their neighbours. J.D. and Julie: Hey Clarks! Mr.Clark: Go to hell!

J.D.: The immersion therapy didn't work. Turk: Dude, relax. I was a psych minor in college. The next time she says "that's so funny", I want you to pretend she says "that's so money". J.D.: Ooooh... I like that. Turk: Yeah, it's called word replacement - ism.

Janitor: Don't mean to bother anybody. I'm just showing nurse Martinez here around the hospital. That's our chief of medicine, that is a patient, and that is you in twenty years. Okay, let's go look at dead people.

Carla: That nurse makes me feel so old. Dr. Kelso: Oh, calm down, nurse Espinosa. I have it on good authority that she's a dude. Carla: I made that stuff up. Dr. Kelso: Then it's time for her to meet Bob Kelso, licensed hetero.

Turk: Look Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's going to take a lot for you to win me over. Julie: Ah, J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather. Billy Dee Williams: Hey, Julie's a great girl. Turk: (in excited high pitched voice) Ahh-hah-hah! Lando Calrissian! Come here. Billy Dee Williams: (laughs) You can call me Billy Dee. Turk: Yes Lando, yes.

Mr. Morgan: You're a cute couple. J.D.: Thanks. Mr. Morgan: Wanna buy a baby?! J.D.: Ooh sweety? Julie: No. J.D.: I'm sorry, no thank you.

(Jordan is staring at the new hot gynecologist walking down the hall) Dr. Cox: Jordan, why would you need seven pap smears in one month? Jordan: I got a lot of pap. Move your head so I can see. (She shoves his head out of the way)