Scrubs

Quote of the month on Coffebucks cup: "I like laughing at poor people" -Elliot Reed Elliot: When I said that, I was watching Good Times!

(Carla returns to the hospital after being on maternity leave) Carla: Hi everybody. Crowd: Welcome back, Pickle. Turk: Who the hell came up with Pickle?! J.D.: I did...if you call Carla "Pickle", then I can call Isabella "Little Gherkin"...I need this. Turk: (Shaking J.D.'s hand) Yeah you do. Carla: Actually babe, I'm just heading back home...it turns out my maternity leave doesn't end until NEXT week. Turk: Awwww Pickle, I'm sorry... (J.D. pats Turk on the shoulder and gives a thumbs up)

Dr. Kelso: (To the new interns) Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies. Intern: Debbie's actually my name! Dr. Kelso: Then out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office, if you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.

Janitor: Point to Iraq on this globe. J.D.: Why do you carry a globe around? Janitor: In case I get lost. (J.D. tries to point to Iraq on the globe and cannot) Janitor: That's China. J.D.: You're China! Janitor: I'm China? What an outrageous accusation.

(After Turk's first statement about the War in Iraq, Elliot, perturbed, turns to J.D.) Elliot: What do you think, J.D.? J.D.: Can you excuse me a second? (J.D. sidles up to Turk and speaks in a hushed tone) J.D.: Did you break our pact and start reading the newspaper? Turk: Carla's making me. Normally I wouldn't go near the thing except for the funnies. J.D.: Oh, of course, the funnies! The funnies don't count. By the way, did you read Marmaduke today? (Elliot looks on incredulously) J.D.: Can you believe he gave the pizza delivery guy a bone as a tip? Turk: No! But that's what's great about Marmaduke, he's always thinking on his feet. J.D.: I think you mean "paws". (Turk laughs explosively) Turk: Sorry. J.D.: Keep it real. Elliot: Well, J.D.? The war? J.D.: I don't have time for this Elliot, I have to find an apartment. (J.D. turns back to Turk) J.D.: If you get a chance, read the Boondocks, man that little kid hates honkies! (J.D. walks away through a door, behind Turk) Turk: (Chuckles, and says quietly) Who doesn't?

(Elliot and Turk walking down the hallway) Elliot: Don't you get it Turk? All the terrorists want to do is kill you. They want to kill you! Turk: Elliot, if you... Elliot: Kill you! (J.D. walks by) J.D.: You guys, in case I find an apartment I like, I need someone to write a reference for me. Elliot: J.D., we're in the middle of something. (Turk gives his reply in one long, quick breath) Turk: Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neo-conservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism.

J.D.'s narration: I always wondered what Dr. Kelso did in his office all day. (Cut to J.D.'s daydream) Dr. Kelso: Human Magic 8-Ball, tell me if I should play golf this weekend. (Dr. Kelso shakes Ted's head vigorously) Ted: I'm a LAWYER!! Dr. Kelso: I said, should I play golf? (Dr. Kelso shakes Ted's head again) Ted: Ask again later! Why would I say that? (Dr. Kelso shakes Ted's head even more and then cut back to J.D.) J.D.: My daydreams are crazy. Ted: Ohhhh...dizzy. (He falls onto a rack)

Private Dancer: Well, even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button I feel a little better. Dr. Kelso: That's morphine. Private Dancer: That explains it.

J.D.: (Reading "Iraq War for Dummies" and talking to Turk on his cell) Turk, you know what's so messed up? I just got to the point where President Bush gave his gives his "Mission Accomplished" speech on a battleship, and I still got like 400 more pages to go!