Scrubs Season 7 Episode 6

J.D.: Yesterday, I won free muffins for life guessing how many coffee beans were in that there jar.
Turk: Actually they had a re-count. And, you came in second.
J.D.: What? Who came in first?
Dr. Kelso: (Singing and carrying a bundle of muffins in his lab coat) Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man? If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office going to town on these bad boys.

J.D.: Hold on, Turk. Let's not declare victory until we give a shot to Dr. John Dorian and his nostrils of steel.
Turk: Your nose can't handle smells of that magnitude.
J.D.: Make some room. (Enters and immediately exits the room) You've got to be kidding me! That is the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled.

Janitor: (In southern accent) I do declare. Spending special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
Carla: Why are you talking like that?
Janitor: 'Cause I'm smitten with my girlfriend "Lady." And, this is my smitten voice. Why? What voice do you use when you're smitten?
Carla: My normal voice.
Janitor: (In his normal voice) You know what? You hide it well, but you're a very strange person.

Lady: You've got something on your face.
Janitor: Uh-oh, what?
Lady: Me. (Kisses Janitor) Oh, gosh. I feel like such a ho-bag. But, I'm still glad I did it.

Turk: So I spoke to Dr. Kelso and you're number one again.
J.D.: That's what I'm talking about!
(Turk stares at him)
J.D.: I figured since you're not doing it anymore, maybe I could have it.

Janitor: (To Lady) I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Turk: What if I let you beat me in basketball while the nurses watch?
J.D.: Can we yell "White Lightning" every time I make a basket?
Turk: We always do.

J.D.: You're my closest friend. In college, we shared a toothbrush.
Turk: I was not aware of that...

Carla: (to Janitor, about Lady) If you like her, you can't keep lying to her about who you are.
Dr. Kelso: Hogwash! Lie forever. It's the natural form of communication between men and women.

Dr. Cox: And now I have to take your laptop from you, as I've deemed you just too darn stupid to use it. You see, those bell peppers that you're munching, they aren't gonna do a truckload of jack against the cancer raging inside of your body. Of course, I've only been a doctor for some twenty years, and the person who wrote that Wikipedia entry also authored the Battlestar Galactica episode guide, so what the heck do I know? But if you feel like living, page me.

Shannon: I even had my funeral already.
Elliot: She looked so beautiful in her casket.
J.D.: I'm sure you did.
Shannon: I wasn't in a casket.
J.D.: I know that. Come on, who would do that? Except for vampires...

Dr. Kelso: Well, I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true. My love for Enid falls a percentage point with every pound she gains. Since our wedding day I am 136% less in love with her.
Carla: You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you got muffins stuffed down your pants?
Dr. Kelso: I like them warm.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I became a doctor to save lives, heal wounds, and occasionally drop the M.D. bomb to pull hot tail in bars.
Dr. Kelso: You know what else works? Cosmonaut. Try it. Thank me later.
J.D.'s narration: Noted!

J.D.: You guys aren't even friends. Why do you spend so much time competing over everything?
Dr. Cox: Because we're men, and that is what men do.
J.D.'s narration: Now a quick look to Turk to see if that is what men do. (Turk nods) Huh, whaddaya know?

J.D.: What's going on, C-Bizzle?
Turk: We're seeing who can last the longest in Mr. Sellers' room. He has a fungal infection under the fat flaps in his stomach. It smells like the time I accidentally put Izzie's doo-doo diaper in the microwave.
J.D.: You guys are playing Smelly Belly?

Janitor: In my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea. Circle of life.

Todd: Oh, it's called "Rate Your Doc dot org". I'm on a completely different, more awesome site.