Scrubs Season 8 Episode 5

J.D.: I think I see what the problem is. (Hangs up the radiography) You have a hand inside of you.
Muppet: That explains SO many things.

Elliot: Hey, did you guys hear the story of the interviews for the new Chief of Medicine?
Janitor: Actually, they already found someone.
(Oscar the Grouch comes out from the Janitor's cleaning supplies)
Oscar: That's right, knuckleheads. There's a new Chief in town.
(J.D. laughs)
Janitor: That was a mistake.
Oscar: Uggh. I'll be watching you, John Dorian. And guess what? My eyes never close!

Elmo: Yay, she gets it! She gets it! Yeah baby! Yeah baby! Yeah baby! Thank you. (Leans on Denise's breasts)
J.D.: Okay, easy buddy.
Elmo: What, is she your woman?!

J.D.: Don't you always fantasize around with the muppets?
Turk: No, I'm straight.

J.D.: I grew up on the streets. Not the hood! The Seasme Street!

J.D.: Chicks dig the extra fuzz.
Grover: Tell me about it.

Dr. Cox: Back to this intern that I-
Carla: -no I don't want to play your "why do I hate this intern game." It's no fun and nobody ever wins.
Dr. Cox: Fine. I need to find somebody who's more qualified to talk about hate anyway.

Turk: (to Elliot) Carla dragged me to the on-call room. Stripped buck naked. Did a little belly dance and then said, "this is for Elliot." Then took a nap. What the hell did I do to you?

Dr. Cox: Look. You and I are alike in a lot of ways.
Janitor: We both harbor an internal struggle between the desire to do good and the urge to become a master criminal.

Dr. Cox: (talking about Ed) That's it. I know why I hate him.
Janitor: Way to go! Want to borrow my plunger? Form a perfect seal around his mouth then...three times, and his Adam's apple pops right out. (Dr. Cox grabs the plunger and walks away) Theoretically.

J.D.'s narration: For me, I was just hoping to figure out a way to tell Denise that the first patient we were treating together was going to die.
J.D.: Listen, Joe, Mr. Fremont's scan came back and his lungs are covered with lesions. He doesn't have a lot of time.
J.D.'s narration: I was glad I was there, because I knew it would be hard for her to deal with.
Denise: Huh. Sucks to be him.
J.D.'s narration: Or not.

(J.D. and Turk are looking at a photo on a cell phone)
Elliot: Hey, what are you guys looking at? Oh my god, is that a picture of a poo?
Turk: That's not just any poo, Elliot. That's Izzie's first poo in a potty.
J.D.: I can't take my eyes off of it. It's gorgeous. Oh, I accidentally pressed Send.
(Carla, the Janitor, Dr. Cox and Ed are all checking their cell phones)
Carla: Aw.
Janitor: They're back!
Dr. Cox: Jack's are bigger.
Ed: Just found my new screensaver.

Carla: (talking about Ed) So maybe you don't like him because he's a freaky stoner weirdo.
Dr. Cox: No. Surprisingly, that tickles me.

Denise: You called me "Jo"!
J.D.: Do you not like that as a new nickname?
Denise: Just a little butch. I like banging dudes.
J.D.: I've heard that's nice.

J.D.: Don't let those idiots in radiology hold you up.
Denise: Dr. Dorian. If they pull any crap, I'll bust some heads.
J.D.'s narration: Ah. She really is like having my very own "Jo" from "Facts of Life."

Katie: Dr. Cox. I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed rounds this morning and I'm going to work harder so you don't just think of me as a...what was it?
Dr. Cox: A helpless, vapid, incompetent ass-kisser.
Katie: Actually, I don't remember the ass-kisser part.
Dr. Cox: That's because I just added it now.
Katie: It's great. Makes it hurt more.
Dr. Cox: Good.

Dr. Cox: So, Ed, after you've placed a central line on that patient, come and find me and let me know whether or not you've killed him.

Denise: (to J.D.) By the way, how can you stand these scrubs. Mine are so far up my butt right now, I can taste them in my throat.

J.D.: I really want you to be yourself around me.
Denise: You really mean that, sir?
J.D.'s narration: Sir. Loving this girl's energy.
J.D.: I mean every word, young miss.
Denise: Well buddy, you have no idea how psyched I am to hear that. I mean, I spent four years in med school, talking like this, so I wouldn't threaten all the male teachers who pee in their pants every time they're even near a strong woman.

J.D.: Then I thought, why not pick a woman. Have a little feminine energy in my life.
Elliot: Oh, you mean like the kind of energy that seeps out of every pore of your body?
J.D.: Elliot. Why?
Elliot: (pointing to Dr. Cox) You knew that he was going to say it. I thought it would hurt less coming from me.
J.D.: Why, thank you.