Scrubs Season 8 Episode 9

J.D.: (over speaker phone) You sound upset, what's wrong?
Elliot: I don't want to get into it.
J.D.: (over speaker phone) You know what I do when I need to clear my head? I just let my mind drift and fantasize about stuff.
Elliot: Yeah! I've noticed. (Pause) J.D.? (Pause) J.D., you're fantasizing right now, aren't you?
J.D.: (over speaker phone) And that's why you should never trust a camel.

Turk: I was pulling some dude's spleen out today, and check it, blood splashed on my scrubs, looks like a tiger. Roar!
Carla: Why is that part a different color?
Turk: I might have used chocolate pudding to do the tail.

Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. Only way I'm going to die after him is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on.

Ted: Gooch and I are going to hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm.

Denise: Dr. Reid, no offense, but have you been drinking?
Elliot: Oh. No. I read that shampooing with beer is good for your hair. So, all sudsed up in the shower and the hot water dies. So now I've got to spend the entire day smelling like a brewery because there is no way I'm going to rinse off with ice water. See, this dress only works without a bra, so if I get cold, looks like I'm smuggling candy cones.

Denise: Watch the lip, Grandpa. Because you wouldn't be the first old man I beat up.
Dr. Kelso: Hah! I like her. She's got girl balls.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Francone has been in a coma for well over a year. His organs are starting to fail and he probably won't be with us very much longer. The most important thing to remember during his final hours here on Earth is do not ever come to me and ask me questions about how to treat him. He's a potato. If you do, my answer will always be the same. Sour cream, chives, and if I haven't had any protein that day, maybe just a sprinkling of some of those bacon bits.

Denise: I need some action. Luckily, cheeseburger day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Elliot: (to Ted) Denise likes the big fellas.
Denise: Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman. Oh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond. Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment and they try so hard in the sack.
Elliot: Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Denise: (pushing a burger to the front of the table) I'm just going to put this out for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.