Scrubs

Dr. Kelso: Turkleton! If you are trying to get the same five million dollar settlement that damn hook-handed security guard got, you're outta luck, stud. Because I put a little release button right here on top.

Jack: My mommy had an abortion. Jordan: She sure did, sweetie.

Jordan: I think about it from time to time, but it would have been the biggest mistake to have that baby. Kim: We've talked, we've made lists, and we've been as logical as we can here, and we've still got nothin'. Jordan: It's not a logical decision. If it's right, you'll feel it in your heart. J.D.: Yeah, but what if we don't feel anything? Jordan: Maybe that's your answer.

Jack: My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion.

Jordan: So, you guys gonna keep it? Kim: Um, maybe... we-well, if we do-we can-then we... maybe not. J.D.: Um, we don't-prob-well, there's a lot to con-because-we'll probably... maybe not. Jordan: You know, I had an abortion. Dr. Cox: All right, Jacky, as promised, let's go find ourselves a li'l stethoscope so you can hear what your butt sounds like. Jack: Daddy, what's an abortion? Jordan: Enjoy.

J.D.: So... you decided what you wanna do? You know what, neither one of us should have to go first. How about, on the count of three, we both say what we think we should do. Kim: Okay. J.D.: One, two, three. Kim: I got nothing. J.D.: Appletinis.

Janitor(into phone): Relax, I'll have him out in one second. He puts the phone down, and goes next to Turk with a handsaw) All right, hold still - nobody likes a jagged stump. Turk: NOOO! Janitor(into phone): He's being unreasonable... Okay. He puts down the saw and slaps Turk across the face. Turk: Aaaaaggghhh! Janitor brings his hand back and slaps Turk across the other cheek. Turk: Oh! Janitor: That was from me.

Turk: Hey, baby, look, I... Yeah, he-he's right here... Hold on. (Hands his phone to J.D.) She won't talk to me. J.D.: Hi... Yes, I know he missed your wedding, too... All right, hold on. (He slaps Turk across the face) That was from her, not me.

Keith: Hey, guys. Carla, let me just see how far you can reach here. (He stretches out her arm, her fist just short of his face.) Okay, perfect. Turk would like you to call him because he's stuck in an ice machine. Carla: What?! She takes a swing at him, but misses. Keith: See, that's why I took the precaution. Heh. Carla grabs his hand and pulls him down into a headlock Carla: Kim, would you be a sweetie and give Turk a call for me? Kim: Yes, ma'am.

J.D.: So what is Elliot's plan? Turk: Ah, it's really simple: See, when Carla says "I'm thirsty," Elliot'll say, "Oh no, I forgot the ice chips." That's when I walk in, ice in hand, and I say, "Christopher Turk, at your cervix!"

Elliot: Okay, candles are all lit - lavender scented, your favorite. And here's a picture of your mom to watch over you. And then I've got this kit in case you want to bronze the umbilical cord and use it for a keychain. I practiced at home on some calamari.

Jordan: Will you just cut the crap and stop treating your son like he's your drinking buddy?

Kim: All right, so then what's the final tally? J.D.: Nice. Let's see, that's twenty cons and nineteen pros. I guess we gotta abort. Kim: Yep. J.D.: Wait, I'm sorry. That's an eyelash, I made a wish. It's a tie - abortion's off.

Kim: You know what's making this so hard? This relationship is so new, we can't tell if we have a chance of making this work long-term. J.D.: You know what might give us an inkling? We haven't technically had sex yet. That might help us find out if we're on the same page... you know... in the boudoir. Kim: Are you hitting on me? J.D.: I'm sorry, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? Kim: Nope. Clothes off. We're doing it.

Laverne: Did somebody just say "abortion"? Kim: Laverne, with all due respect, this is none of your business. Or Jesus's. Laverne: I believe He would beg to differ.

Turk: All right. I'ma go tell your sisters that this bad boy is about to pop off.

Turk: Anyway, he taught me everything about streaming video; and now, thanks to me, your sisters in Chicago will be able to witness the birth of our child live via webcam! Carla: Turk! That's so sweet! Turk: You know, I do what I do.

Jordan: First the fat lady, now this? He's three, Perry! Do you have to be so blunt with him? Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna B.S. my own kid.

Dr. Cox: Ah. Sorry, Jack, the machine's broken. Looks like you're gonna have to guzzle your juice down without any ice. Pretend, um... You know, pretend it's gin.

An orderly wheels a chair over to Jordan. Jordan: Yeah, I'm only four months pregnant, ace. Carla: Oh, yeah, I think you're looking for me.

J.D.: Miguel has such raw talent, but his attitude keeps getting in the way. Elliot: Unbelievable.

J.D.: Okay, Brown Bear, commence Operation Brown Cub! Suitcase! Turk: Check. J.D.: Stylish big daddy hat! Turk: Check. J.D.: Big-time collegiate drum-line! Turk: Check!

Kim: Yep. All right, well, look, we don't need to make this decision tonight, right? I mean, plenty of time. J.D.: I'm totally fine with stalling. Kim: Great! 'Cause if I hear the word "baby" one more time, I'm gonna lose it!

Old J.D.: So beautiful! I hope you keep some ice in this locket, 'cause you're making me hot all over! Girl: Actually, it's the only picture I have of my biological father. D'you wanna see it? Old J.D.: What? Oh! Sure! Uh, I'll take a look at it - first thing tomorrow morning, huh?

(J.D. sits on his unicorn) J.D.: Alright, Justin. What should my specialty be? Oncology or radiology?

J.D.: Here are the final pros. Kids are great... Kim: Yes. J.D.: We both make good money... Kim: Yes. J.D.: Your boobs will get huge... Kim: True. J.D.: I can finally buy beanie babies without feeling weird, and kids are great. Kim: Which we already said. J.D.: Tax deductions!

Todd: Oh and Carla, there's something I wanted to tell you. Great vagina. Turk: So helpful. Carla: Don't take it out on the Todd! He was just giving me a complement. Thank you, Todd. Todd: Happy to say it.

Carla: Ahhh! Elliot, I can't do it! Elliot: Okay, okay. I want you to imagine that your uterus is like a tube of toothpaste, and you're just trying to squeeze out all that minty fresh gel. But instead of minty fresh gel inside, there's a little black baby.

Kim: I don't know what to do. I mean, having a baby can completely ruin your life, you know? Not to mention, as a urologist, I have seen what childbirth can do to you down there. Heh. I mean, I examined this one woman last month and it was like (Imitating echo) "Hello...hello...hello...hello..." Carla: (Between contractions) Not a good time, Kim!

Turk: Look, Elliot, I'm really trying to be involved in the birth of my child, but you just keep boxing me out. Elliot: That is not true. Now, outta my way, I've gotta order the birth announcements, put in the carseat and find a yard to bury the placenta...oh, my God, I'm a monster! Turk, I am so sorry, I just love babies so much. Keith: It's true. Sometimes she makes me wear a diaper. Elliot: Keith! Private!

Carla: So what's next, Turk? Because so far, I'm half deaf from a drum-line, I have no suitcase, and the entire hospital has seen Miss Priscilla! (Elliot looks confused) Carla: I named her after my high school art teacher. Elliot: Oh, my God! So did I! Mr. Hebbler. (To Carla's crotch in a low, raspy voice) "It's nice to meet you!" Carla: Ew.

Jesus: She's right, J.D. Every life is precious. J.D.: But what if having this baby is a huge mistake for us? Jesus: Okay, I'm gonna make this real simple: No abortions, okay? J.D.: But what if... Jesus: No abortions! J.D.: Lemme finish! What if the parents were like abusive drug addicts who would neglect their kids? Jesus: Oh, well, in that case it'd be okay. J.D.: Really? Jesus: No abortions!! How are you not getting this!?

Turk: Hey, baby. I know things haven't exactly gone smoothly so far, but I promise you I'm about to make it up to you. I spent all weekend talking to my cousin who just so happens to be the world's biggest blerd... (Everybody looks at Turk quizzically) It's a black nerd.

Jordan: (To an orderly) Move it along before I eat you! Chop chop.

Jack: (Subtitled) I'm a helicopter, I'm a helicopter, I'm a helicopter. Kim: He's so sweet! Jordan: Mm. Kim: You put one of those inside me! What are we gonna do?

J.D.: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of adoption. Kim: You think if it's a girl, you'd doink her? J.D.: I know I will.

Kim: So, uh, let's go...uhm...do you like kids? J.D.: Of course I do! What about you? Any nieces or nephews? Kim: Yeah, I have a nephew. Although he's forty-five. But occasionally I do have to change his diaper...he was kicked by a horse.

Jack: (Pointing and singing) You're a fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty fatty! Woman: What's your son doing? Dr. Cox: Apparently he's doing the "fatty dance." Inappropriate? Well, maybe. But I'm raising my son to be a straight-shooter. That's his mom, right over there. (Jordan waves from the doorway on the other side of the room) Jordan: Ohh, thanks for including me.

Kim: This sucks. I mean the hardest decision I've had to make in the last year was what hairstyle to get. And even then, all I did was open up an Us magazine closed my eyes and pick a random celebrity. J.D.: Kirsten Dunst? Kim: Owen Wilson. J.D.: Ohhh.

Jordan: Congrats, Perry. My son just asked me if my vagina had ever been on television. Dr. Cox: And did you tell him not since the late eighties when you were trying to make it as "an actress"?

Jack: What's Gin? Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy's strong genes are any indication, you'll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.

Turk: Is he coming? Is he coming!? Elliot: Turk, she's barely in labor (Pointing at Carla) Carla: He's not talking about the baby. (J.D. enters) Turk: He's here, and now we can have our baby!

(Janitor is on the phone with Elliot and sitting next to Turk, whose hand is stuck in an ice machine) Elliot: OK Janitor, Carla's starting to push. Tell Turk. Janitor: Got it. (to Turk) Your baby has a tail. Turk: I told her to stay away from the microwave.

Jordan: I was nineteen and working in Nantucket as a waitress and dating this amazing guy named Andy, curly blond hair, dimples and eyes that were either sky blue, or powder blue, I could never figure out which... anyway, his best friend Curt knocked me up. (J.D. and Kim start staring) Don't look at me like that, he was the first guy I had ever slept with. J.D.: Oh, we're not judging you. J.D.'s Narration: Whore!

Turk: (In the ice machine) Dude, I am totally stuck. J.D.: Just try to get it out. Leonard: (Pointing with his hook) I would not do that. J.D. and Turk: That's how it happened.

J.D.: Should I get a baby too? Turk: I'm a little preoccupied right now. Why don't you ask your unicorn? J.D.: Ah, this is way over Justin's head...he's never been in love. Not real love, anyway.

Kim: J.D., we need to talk about all of our pregnancy options, even if it makes us uncomfortable. One of the things that we could do...that we haven't mention yet, the 'a' word. J.D.: I know. (Simultaneously) Kim: Abortions. J.D.: Appletini. Kim: What? J.D.: (Awkwardly) Oh, I thought that we could discuss abortion over appletinis.

J.D.: OK, ladies we are here. Carla: What the hell took you so long? Oh, my god, did you stop for food? Turk: We had to, honey, J.D. promised the band that we'll feed them. (Flashback with J.D., Turk and the band in a burger place) J.D.: Yeah, let me get twenty-three cheeseburgers, twenty-three shakes... (To Miguel, the drummer) Hey, Miguel, if you don't stop drumming you are not getting fries. Twenty-three fr...(drumming returns), you know what? Twenty-two fries, (turns to Miguel) twenty-two fries, you didn't think I'd do it, did you?

J.D.'s narration: My brand new girlfriend was pregnant, and we were trying to decide what to do. J.D.: Should we keep it or get rid of it? Kim: I don't know...if we keep it, it will just end up in the dumpster. (Pause) OK, enough pizza talk.

Jesus: What just happened in there, because I don't see any wedding rings! J.D.: (Picking up the Jesus figurine) Laverne, is this your Jesus?

Carla: Cameraman?! Nuh-uh! No man's gonna be filmin' my pooter unless he's completely asexual. Ted: (Entering the room) Hellooo. Carla: Oh, hey Ted. (Looking back at Turk) Cool.

Todd: (Seeing that Turk has accidentally streamed the baby video to all the TVs in the hospital) Greatest. Show. Ever.

Jack: Daddy, what's that? Dr. Cox: That is the vagina of a 35 year old latina woman.

Jack: (To Dr. Kelso) Your skin is wrinkly. Dr. Kelso: Yeah, well that shirt you're wearing is gay.