Season 3 Episode 22

My Best Friend's Wedding

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM May 04, 2004 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • Hattie Winston reprises her role as Margaret Turk, from the season 1 episode "My Old Man".

    • J.D. says it's been four days since Sean and Elliot broke up but "My Self Examination" was set a day after "My Fault" and this episode was a day after that, so unless two days passed between when Elliot broke up with Sean and arrived at J.D.'s, they've only been broken up for two.

    • Featured Music:
      "Here Comes The Bride (Traditional)" performed by The Blanks
      "Eight Days a Week" performed by The Blanks
      "Beautiful" by Steve Bertrand

    • Near the start of this episode J.D. says he is staying at Elliot's house because Turk's family is in town and they are staying at the apartment he shares with Turk and Carla. However, in the previous episode he said he couldn't stay at his apartment because Carla's family is staying there.

    • Normally, the episodes which are significant for the show are written, or, written and directed by Bill Lawrence (the creator). However, this episode is just directed by him.

  • Quotes

    • J.D.'s Narration: Besides, somehow you always seem to end up with the person you're meant to be with.
      Janitor: One, two, three.
      J.D. and Janitor lift the chair with a pssed out Dr. Kelso sitting on it
      J.D.: Thanks for helping out.
      Janitor: I'm only going as far as the dumpster.

    • Turk: Hey. How's it going, Mr. Fitzpatrick?
      Mr. Fitzpatrick: Actually, it's Father Fitzpatrick.
      Carla: Could you do us a quick favor?

    • Elliot: J.D.! It's not happening. Besides, if Sean and I are meant to be together, I never would have gone home with you that night and sabotaged everything that I had with him.
      J.D.: You and I are gonna be okay, right?
      Elliot: What do you think?
      J.D.: Probably not... Elliot! You let me know when we are.
      Elliot: Don't hold your breath.

    • Sean: Elliot, do you wanna get out of here?
      Elliot: Sean, look, I don't know what J.D. told you, but... if we're gonna give this another try, you need to know that I didn't end things with you because I was freaking out about us living together. I did it because... J.D. and I have this history and... I actually thought he might be the one. But I just ended up getting my heart broken.
      Sean: Sucks, doesn't it?

    • Sean: So, what have you been up to?
      Elliot: Doctor stuff. Heh. You?
      Sean: Oh, I-I was crying a lot. And then I got really emotionally numb. Um, oh, and this morning, I jammed a salad fork two inches into my thigh to see if I could still feel the pain.
      Elliot: And?
      Sean: Oh, yeah.
      Elliot: Good.

    • Carla: No music. I swear, Turk, I am this close to losing it!
      Dr. Cox: Carla?
      Jordan: It's okay.
      Dr. Cox: I-I just wanted to say that that was one of the most beautiful ceremonies that I've ever seen.

    • Turk: Why isn't the band playing?
      Laverne: In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp. The band got into 'em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass.

    • J.D.'s Narration: There she is! Do something charming.
      J.D.: Elliot, check it out. Kelso gave me his car keys.
      He tosses the keys, hitting her in the face.
      Elliot: Ow! What are you doing?!
      J.D.: I'm-I'm just trying to think of ways to make things right!
      Elliot: Well, you can cross off keys in the face!

    • Carla: I can't believe he's not here yet!
      J.D.: Don't worry! I made it!
      Carla: I don't care about you, you idiot!
      J.D.(to the priest): They had premarital sex.

    • J.D.: I didn't steal Elliot from you, man! She just panicked 'cause you guys were moving in together!
      Sean: I don't know, J.D...
      J.D.: Sean, if you have any guts at all, you will show up at this wedding, take her into your... hairy arms, and tell her you want her back!... You should... probably shower first.

    • Marco: I knew that jackass would screw this up!
      Todd: Did you just dis my friend, Turk?
      Marco: What are you gonna do about it, meathead?
      Todd: My friend, I am about to make you look very silly!
      Todd prepares to hit Marco but Marco gives him a push and he tumbles off the altar
      Laverne: Things are starting to heat up.

    • Dr. Kelso: I just wanna wish you two all the luck in the world because, you see, the key to marriage is... work.

    • J.D.: Look, Elliot, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.
      Elliot: Go back three days and keep me from throwing away my life for you.
      J.D.'s Narration: In that second, I knew how to make things right if I just had the time.
      Carla: What do you mean you're gonna be late?
      J.D.: Sweet!
      Carla: What did you say?
      J.D.: Nothing, girl!

    • Todd: Dude, that pick-up line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.
      Marco: Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.
      Todd(Translated): I have genital herpes... for you.
      Marco: Nope. That's right. Keep trying.
      Todd(Translated): Many herpes!... Big! Oh, yeah!

    • Worthless Peons: "(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na-"
      J.D.: Ted! Church!
      Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.

    • Dr. Miller: So, are you ready for your appendectomy?
      Mr. Fitzpatrick: Hey, what do you do with an appendix after you've removed it?
      Turk: We make finger puppets.

    • Elliot: I just love you so much.
      Carla: I love you too!
      Elliot: Even though I ripped off your sister's eyebrow?
      Carla: That's okay... You know, this morning she actually said she was gonna look better than me!?
      Elliot: Not anymore!

    • Carla: Hey, Elliot, how are you doing with this whole J.D. thing?
      Elliot: I can't believe that on this day you would actually worry about how I'm doing. Carla, you're such an amazing friend.
      Carla: Don't do this, Elliot. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional until after we took the pictures.

    • Turk: Look, I get outta here at 4, ceremony doesn't start until 5. Worst case scenario, I'm a little late for the wedding.
      Carla: Do it!
      Elliot kicks Turk
      Turk: Oh! Whoa!
      J.D.: Dude, you're dealing with a nervous bride, a woman I scorned, and two sisters with three eyebrows.
      Turk: See you at 5!

    • Carla: Turk, we're heading over to St. John's.
      J.D.: Thought you guys were getting married at Holy Trinity?
      Carla: St. John's is cheaper.
      Turk: Oh, plus the priest there looks like Captain Sulu.
      Carla: No, that's the priest at Trinity.
      Turk: Oh, baby, I wanted to be married by Sulu!

    • Carla: "I do." And then it's classy kiss... Or sexy kiss... Or slutty kiss...

    • Marco: Oh, my God. I just figured it out. This is one of those reality shows where our sister tries to convince us that she's gonna marry some obnoxious-agh!
      Turk's mom grabs Marco by the ear.
      Mrs. Turk: We haven't really had a chance to talk yet. I'm Mama Turk.
      Marco: Oh, hey. How ya doing?
      Turk: Damn, that looks painful.

    • Carla: Ever since I was a little girl I had this fairytale idea of a perfect wedding - and oh yeah - I always ended up married!

    • Turk: Hey! Baby! Check this out! You ain't gonna believe what I did with Rowdy!
      Carla: Turk! You're not supposed to see me on our wedding day you idiot!
      Turk: She's mulling it over.

    • Dr. Kelso: Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!
      Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
      Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
      Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

    • J.D.: Ted! Can you play a little music for us, buddy?
      Ted: It's gonna cost you double what you paid us for the church.
      Turk: Here's twenty.
      Ted: Aaaand, here's four back.

    • Turk: Okay, Carla's dying, it's rally time. We have no band, we have no DJ. You're my best man - brainstorm.
      J.D.: Remember that after-party we had in college, when the stereo went out and I ended up hooking up with that grad student from Brazil?
      Turk: Yeah?
      J.D.: That was awesome.
      Turk: Woo hoo, you made out with a little person.
      J.D.: I thought she was kneeling.

    • Turk: What do you mean, disaster? Honey, this is an amazing wedding! And I know what you're gonna say - we didn't actually get married. But you know what? Tonight, you and I, we're gonna rip it up. And then we're gonna hop on a plane to the Bahamas, where you and I can get married tomorrow amongst the fishes and mermaids and whatnot.
      Carla: Turk, for the last time, mermaids aren't real!
      Turk: I know what I saw!

    • J.D.: So, Sean... You look...woolly.
      Sean: Since Elliot left me, my life's fallen apart.
      J.D.: It's been four days, Sean. Which, by the way, makes the beard all the more impressive.
      Sean: I'm a quarter Hungarian.

    • Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, honey. Are you waking up?
      Jordan: Why are you in such a hurry?
      Dr. Cox: I'm not in any kind a hurry!
      Jordan: Did you dress me?
      Dr. Cox: Fine. Carla scares me, okay? She may be small, but she has very powerful legs.

    • J.D.: Where're the other bridesmaids?
      Elliot: They're out buying an eyebrow.
      J.D.: Well, that's gonna be tough on a Saturday, with Eyebrows Eyebrows Eyebrows being closed. They're gonna have to go all the way across town to the Eyebrow Hut.

    • Todd(into phone): ... Turk, Turk, Turk, Turk. I can't talk right now! I'm at your wedding.

    • Turk: Gimme that appendix! Let's close this guy up, and I'm outta here!
      Dr. Miller: Wait. Look at his lesions on his peritoneum.
      Turk: Oh, no.
      Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk...what do you think we should do?
      Turk: Leave a post-it in there for the next guy?

    • Doug: I'll have to agree with Chet. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome! This awesome wedding, and I'm having an awesome time, and you two are gonna have an awesome life!
      Danni: Hi.
      Doug: Awesome!

    • J.D.: Danni, what are you doing here?
      Danni: We RSVP'd when we were still dating.
      J.D.: You can't just crash my best friend's wedding!
      Danni: I'll go halvsies on the gift.
      J.D.: Right this way, please.

    • Jordan: Perry... Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty... It's just you and me... Let's take a nap! We'll sleep through the ceremony, and then go to the reception.
      Dr. Cox: Can we at least have sex?
      Jordan: Do what you have to. Don't wake me.

    • Turk: Dr. Miller, look, it's a really small wedding, and you're an amazing boss, and I feel really bad about it, so...there's a wedding brunch tomorrow, and it's only for family and really close friends, and...well, we'd love for you to be there.
      Dr. Miller: That would mean the world to me!
      Turk: Okay, I didn't think you were gonna say yes. There's no brunch.

    • Elliot: Oh, my God! You're actually getting married in a few hours! I mean, everything's gonna be all different. Carla, you never have to have sex again except for when you actually want to.
      Carla: I know!!!

    • Turk: If I work this shift, I can finagle two extra days on the honeymoon.
      J.D.: Ooh, nice use of "finagle."
      Turk: Oh, thanks.

    • Dr. Kelso: I'll just have a club soda. I'm driving home.
      Bartender: It's an open bar.
      Dr. Kelso: Give me a bucket of scotch!

    • Jordan: Uh, Perr, is making out with a stranger cheating?
      Dr. Cox: Technically not if it's under ten seconds, dear.
      Jordan: Ah, not worth it.

    • J.D.: You wore your janitor uniform to a wedding?
      Janitor: No, I wasn't invited to the wedding. I just work here on weekends.
      J.D.: Who's that?
      Janitor: My date... Forks! Frannie! Forks! Forks!
      J.D.: Are forks where the big money is?
      Janitor: Forks and ladles.

    • Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
      Dr. Kelso: And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Can I get a scotch?

    • J.D.: Hey, where's the fuzzy cover for my one-wood?
      Turk: It's on my nine-wood.
      J.D.: Aw, dude! My mom made that!

    • J.D.: So, do you ever miss the ladies?
      Latino Priest: Sometimes.
      J.D.: I would, too.

    • Carla: I want everyone to get along.
      Elliot: (To J.D.) I hope you die.
      Carla: Elliot...
      Elliot: AFTER the wedding.

    • J.D.: You can't let him drive her home. She says goodbye the naughty way.

  • Notes

    • Freddy Rodriguez receives the "And" credit.

    • This is the first, and maybe only episode in which the special guest stars are credited at the beginning, after the stars, and without mentioning their characters.

  • Allusions

    • Captain Sulu:
      Turk thinks a priest at another church looks like Captain Sulu. Sulu is a character from Star Trek, played by George Takei. The priest Turk sees at the other church is played by George Takei, hence why he thinks they look alike.

    • My Best Friend's Wedding:
      The episode title refers to the 1997 film starring Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney.

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