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Dr. John Michael "J.D." Dorian
Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Molly Clock
"Waiting For Your Letter" by Cary Brothers
"Closer" by Josh Radin
"Can't Go Back" by Keren DeBerg
"Roseanna" (Turk's ringtone)
When J.D. is thinking about what would happen if he brushed Molly's hair, the first shot has Molly's hair half over her face. However in the next shot her hair has moved and is no longer covering her face.
It is revealed in this episode that Ted lost his hair in eighth grade. However, in My Fifteen Minutes, the eighth episode of the first season, Ted mentioned that when he started his job as the hospital's legal counsel, he had hair, a wife, and kids. This leads one to the absurd conclusion that Ted attended eighth grade after becoming the hospital's legal counsel and had also somehow gotten married and had kids before even reaching high school.
In the beginning of the episode when Dr. Cox is annoying Elliot in front of her residents, most of the time his stethescope is in his white coat. However in a couple shots it's on the outside instead.
Carla: You've been talking to this girl you used to sleep with, and you never told her you were married?
Turk: She never asked?
Janitor: You guys are out. You guys are back in. Where's Margo?
Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.
Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangsta rap. Bad day.
Kylie: I was thinking about how patient you've been with me. How right things feel. And then you showed up and it feels like fate.
J.D.: Wait, are you saying that you're ready? Awesome.
Kylie: First, let me set the mood.
J.D.: And Kylie, you're right. It is fate. Because I was out with this girl tonight that I totally could have had sex with, but it was easy for me to blow her off because I was excited to be with you... Why have you stopped lighting incense? It makes the room smell like Chinese rain.
Kylie: You blew me off tonight to be with some random girl?
J.D.: Well, she's not a random girl. I mean, I had a crush on her long before I met you.
Mr. Peeps: I will kill you!
Carla: So you guys think I'm overreacting about this whole Turk thing?
Elliot: Phone calls from an ex would drive me nuts!
J.D.'s Narration: I knew how to get rid of both of them, but I can't do that to Turk.
He hears a voice from the direction of his pants
Mr. Peeps: If you don't do it, I will.
J.D.: Mr. Peeps? Why are you British?
Mr. Peeps: I'll explain later. Just lose the extra bitches.
Janitor: Sorry guys, I can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.
Ted: Aw man! I ironed my going out hair!
Janitor: I'm going to paint your Porsche mint green so it looks like my van's baby.
J.D.(on phone): Hey, Kylie. I was calling to see how your day was going.
Molly: ...this ninety degree cave and sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.
J.D.: Naked sweat drips...
Kylie(on phone): What?
J.D.(on phone): Um, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They have a great song called Perfect Breasts...
Molly: ...And then I got so flexible I could put my legs behind my head.
Kylie(on phone): J.D., are you there?
Molly: You should come.
Elliot: Oh, frick on a stick. I gotta go. I want to hear the rest of the story, don't forget where you were.
J.D.: Feet up behind her head.
Kylie(on phone): Who has their feet behind their head?
J.D.: A patient, Kylie. Horrible car accident. You gotta wear your seatbelt, I'm telling you. Even around the block.
Carla: Turk. I found your cell phone in the parking lot.
J.D.: Four stories and not a scratch. What are you made of?
Janitor: Um. We should be friends.
Janitor: Do you like vanning?
Molly: I don't know what that is.
Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only uh... it's in a van.
Molly: I'm still not getting it.
Janitor: Could you hang on for one sec?... She's an idiot.
J.D.'s Narration: *Even though she did the fake forget-my-name thing, she's here for me. I think we all know there's no patient.
Patient: They've landed. Grab some blankets and all the canned goods you can carry. We're moving to the sewers.
Molly: Apparently he's gotten really possessive of me. He won't talk to the new staff psychiatrist.
J.D.: Molly, I'm sure he's not that possessive. (He pats her on the arm)
Patient: Get away from my doctor! (He tackles J.D.)
Turk: Damn you, ruptured spleen! To be continued!
Janitor: How about my van for your Porsche?
Dr. Cox: I suppose when I win I could destroy your vehicle and make you watch, couldn't I? Bet.
Elliot: Okay. The patient is in shock so the first thing we want to try to do is assess intervascular volume.
Dr. Cox makes a buzzer sound
Elliot: What, that's right.
Dr. Cox: I know. I wasn't bzzing you to indicate an incorrect answer. I was bzzing you because I was bored and I just thought that might drive you crazy.
Elliot: Ah, you're a wonderful teacher! Now stop bzzing me in front of my residents. It's unprofessional.
Dr. Cox: You're right Barbie. Carry on.
Elliot: Ahem. So, when you're dealing with cardiogenic shock... it's best to start fluid resusita-
Dr. Cox: BONG!
Carla: See Turk? This is our problem. We're trying to have a serious conversation here, but you're more concerned about how your OTHER wife is doing!
J.D.'s Narration: Turk and Carla were having some relationship trouble of their own. But at least they were working on it.
Turk: Baby, I don't understand why we can't discuss this after The A-Team.
Kylie: Wait right here... It's for your scooter- What are you doing?
J.D. has stripped down to his boxers and is lying on the couch
J.D.: Nothing. I was just going to do a little laundry. I assume your facilities are in-building?
Kylie: Why is it always about sex with you?
J.D.: It's not! Look. Kylie. I'm just really proud of my abs. Or... ab.
Ted: You want to get Elliot, get in good with her best friend.
Janitor: Who's Elliot?
Turk: I did it! Cut off all ties with Rosanna. Forever.
Carla: Baby, that took like 20 seconds. How did you do that so quickly?
Turk: It was easy. I just told her I was married.
Carla: You've been talking with this girl you used to sleep with, and you never told her you were married?
Turk: She never asked...?
Carla: It's no big deal... 'cause if you're lucky, maybe you won't be married for much longer.
Janitor: There was one other girl, a few years ago... Red Haired Doctor. She used to eat lunch with me. Until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her Janitor Lunch Eater. Not the most clever group.
Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for three months. We broke up at a sorority formal. Ah, nobody could snuggle like Daisy. Didn't you say Dr. Cox was coming at 8?
Janitor: Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon. I kissed a dude once. It was at furnace camp.
Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the
whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a
pen in it.
J.D.'s Narration: Some guy... I never get credit for anything!
Dr. Cox: I gotta tell you there, Supercuts. I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a hundred, and I've seen triathletes come in here and drop dead at twenty. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit wearing, van driving, vomit cleaning, no good confounded Frankenstein looking baffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.
Molly: That's the 'Close' button.
J.D.: Oh no, it's the 'Close' button. When somebody gets close it activates a sensor that opens the door.
Dr. Kelso: Ladies, this is a hospital, not the junior league. Let's break it up. And Dr. Clock, I feel as though I've been seeing less and less of you recently. We don't pay you good money to go hide in your office. Let's get out there on the floor.
Molly: I moved to Milwaukee four months ago.
Dr. Kelso: Welcome back.
Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.
Janitor: And how'd you do that?
Ted: I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.
Todd: Tough break five.
Todd: So once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's
basically just a waiting game.
Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.
Turk: Dude, it's been a month.
J.D.: Oh really Turk? Has it been a month? Because time just flies when you're dry humping your way through three pairs of cords.
Turk: Look. Kylie hasn't slept with you so what she's saying is that she doesn't want to be exclusive. Is she dating?
J.D.: She did go to a movie with her brother-in-law.
Turk: That's perfect. Dude, you can have your cake and eat it too. It's like me talking with my old girlfriend. It boosts my self esteem and I take all of this positive energy back to Carla. Now this is what you do: you go out with Molly and have a great time while she's in town. But once she leaves, you go to Kylie and you tell her you want to get your exclusive on.
Turk: Dude, you're pretty horny for a guy who claims to be getting it on a nightly basis.
J.D.: What are you implying?
Turk: Let's just say a little birdie told me that you and Kylie haven't slept together.
Turk: Nurse Birdie.
Nurse Birdie: Well, you haven't.
J.D.: I trusted you!
Molly: So, you seeing anyone?
Elliot: I went on a few dates with a guy named Rick, but then he met my mom
and it all fell apart.
Molly: She didn't like him?
Elliot: No, she loved him. They're in Aruba.
Dr. Cox: Unlike you, Bobbo, Gandhi here is in a healthy relationship. I mean, come on, lookit. Even Jordan lets me keep in touch with women from my past. Give me a pound, my dawg.
Turk: He gets me.
Dr. Cox: Give me a pound, dawg.
Dr. Kelso: Does he know you were being sarcastic?
Dr. Cox: I hope not.
Dr. Kelso: Splendid.
Turk: We're just friends!
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, just friends... I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl. Long story short, I'm on the hook for sending Trong Tree Kelso to college and he doesn't want to go to a state school.
Dr. Cox: I'm on a break here, Newbie. Just tell your shiny headed roommate if he doesn't shut up his first surgery tomorrow will be removing that cell phone from his own ass.
Molly: How you doing, J.J.?
J.D.: That's J.D.
Molly: Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmy Walker sitcom.
J.D.: Good Times?
Molly: Not great, my sister had a miscarriage.
Turk: Alright. Give me all the details on Kylie.
J.D.: Dude it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like "I think it's a little hot in here" and starts pulling down her skirt.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my God, I'm getting turned on by my own fake story!
Janitor: You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.
Dr. Cox: Your lady?
Janitor: Blonde Doctor and I are going to end up together. I'm talking the whole shebang. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway, dogfighting ring in the basement.
Dr. Cox: I guess it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. Oh, wait a minute... Yes it would.
Janitor: You want to place a wager?
Dr. Cox: I do. But here I really have no need for a cracked thermos and two pounds of keys.
Carla: Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are
we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my
Turk: Hey hey! There he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?
J.D.'s Narration: Hell no.
J.D.: Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual.
J.D.'s Narration: Pleasure myself, weep and repeat.
Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.
J.D.: God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex because I don't see a pony.
Dr. Cox: Well if it isn't Marginally Attractive and the Beast.
Janitor: Gentlemen, Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason: I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.
Randall: Burn down her apartment.
Troy: I have an idea, but we're gonna need a tugboat.
Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call this a Brain Trust, and I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And Margo, I found your birth mother! She was a tree person, remember? Now there's no shame in that. I'm sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new Brain Trust.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening; in fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I'm...I find I'm just a little stuffed. Will take my keys to go, though!
Milwaukee is the birthplace of Heather Graham.
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