Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
Dr. Cox refers to one patient in the Emergency room as a "GOMER". This is an actual medical acronym which stands for "get outta' my emergency room".
First episode where Dr. Cox calls Turk Gandhi.
The correct answer to Dr. Kelso's question ("What is the underlying dermatological condition in rhinophyma") is rosacea.
Dr. Kelso is considerably shorter than J.D., so J.D. would surely have been looking down on the 'gorilla'. How could he therefore believe it was the Janitor, when the Janitor is taller than him?
"Something's Always Wrong" by Toad The Wet Sprocket
Turk: Dude, that girl in the wolf outfit is totally checking you out!
J.D.: I'd let her to blow my house down, you know what I'm sayin'!
J.D.: Look, I know you, okay. I know the reason you wanted to pretend you're a doctor yesterday is 'cause you hate working in that bar and you wanted to feel like somebody for once. Come on, man, you're not-you're not driving that car across the country for the three hundred dollars - you're doing it 'cause you like the way you feel when you drive it. And the funny thing is, you could be that guy, but you're afraid that if-if you actually have to try at something you might fail, and that's just not a chance you're willing to take.
Dan: What can I say? It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
Dan: Look, J.D., we're all proud you became a doctor, but just because I haven't achieved as much as you doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
J.D.: Dan, there's nothing wrong with being a bartender.
Dan: I like living with mom.
J.D.: She makes great eggs!
Dan: All in all, I'm pretty damn happy! I'm happy... you know?
J.D.'s Narration: And now for the apology.
J.D.: That's a load of crap.
J.D.: Elliot! Come on! What does she expect us to talk about?
Dan: I don't know... Maybe the fact that you're so embarrassed by me that you make excuses to your friends about how I live my life.
J.D.: Oh, yeah...
A guy in a gorilla suit exits the hospital
J.D.: We're...we're working hard on a cure.
Elliot: Isn't there... something you guys wanna talk about? You know, like cars or sports... or boobs?
Dan: I'll talk about boobs. Remember Fred Kiefer's mom?
J.D.: She wore a tank-top to Fred's thirteenth birthday party... She taught us how to bob for apples, and three guys passed out.
Elliot: Okay, great story! Now how about something with a little more substance?
Dan: Dude, remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?
J.D.: Yeah! Those were awesome!
Turk: Oh, my God... I'm totally going to hell.
Carla: Turk, wait! People get thrown out of funerals every day!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport, how you doin'?
J.D.: Oh, good, sir.
Dr. Kelso: I don't have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it'd make your head spin!
J.D.: Sir, I don't follow.
Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools! I forgot you didn't know that!
J.D.: Oh, I get it. Well, let's see how tough you are without your costume on. Go ahead and-and knock the folders out of my hand now!
Janitor knocks J.D.'s folders to the floor
Janitor: What costume?
J.D.: You weren't wearing a gorilla suit before?
Janitor: There's someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
J.D.: A gorilla...
Janitor: No, it's not me.
J.D.: Well, then, why'd you knock the folder out of my hand?
Janitor: Because you asked me to. Here you go.
He puts his banana peel in J.D.'s breast pocket.
J.D.: I didn't ask you to do that!
Janitor: Yeah... that comes free with the folder knock.
Carla: Babe, you have got to try one of these - they are to die for!... I'm sorry for your loss.
Lady: This is the problem with doctors today - they don't care!
Turk: No, no! It's just that, uh, recently I've had a lot of patients, and so it-I've gotten-I've been really busy!
Lady: Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day and stuff your face with free food!
Turk: Damn you, woman!
Elliot: Hey, you okay?
J.D.: Yeah... why wouldn't I be?
Elliot: You and your brother? I mean, come on, the tension on the ride back to work was palpable. I wanted to say something. I mean, I was this close to getting back in the car.
J.D.: That wouldn't have been a wise choice!
Lady: Thank you so much for coming.
Turk: Oh, are you kidding? We've been looking forward to this... You know, ever since he... he died.
Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body!... Or at least some garlic knots.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don't think so. Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?... Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two!... Except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.
Elliot: These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.
Dan: And every time you say that, an angel gets their wings.
Elliot: So, uh, why'd you drive someone else's car across country?
Dan: It is a great way to make three hundred bucks.
Elliot: What do you do that you could take that kind of time off?
Dan: I tend bar.
J.D.: But not just like any bar - it's like "The Bar". It's like, when all the college kids come home from Thanksgiving, it's like where everybody goes. I go there when I'm home.
Elliot: So you still live in your home town?
Dan: Yeah, I kinda take care of my mom's place, so she lets me stay with her.
J.D.: Well, Dan, you don't stay with her. I mean, come on, it-it-it-he's not like Greg Brady living in the attic with beads for a door. I mean... he totally has his own space. More like... uh, Kirk Cameron in the last season of 'Growing Pains', when he lived above the garage with Boner? Anyone? Am I the only one? Boner?... No?
J.D.'s Narration: So, big deal, we're having lunch together. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Dan: So, what's my little bro like in the sack?
J.D.: You do not have to answer that.
Dan: 'Kay, if he tries hard but there's room for improvement, take a sip of your drink.
Elliot giggles and takes a sip of her drink.
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: All right, you know, fine. A-ask me if she could be better!
He guzzles his drink.
J.D.: What? Thirsty!
Elliot: I wasn't thirsty.
Turk: Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused, okay? I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. Zen, man!
Dr. Wen: Christopher, after fifteen years and over ten thousand surgeries, I think I can do without the pep-talk.
Turk: Message received, sir... I believe in you.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor: I just figure you gotta be wondering, "Am I gonna get a trick, or am I gonna get a treat?" You'll be getting a trick.
Janitor: It'll be fast, and you won't even know it's me.
J.D.: You just told me it was gonna be you.
Janitor: You'll still have your doubts.
Elliot: So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother?
J.D.: Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.
Elliot: So call and change it to three.
J.D.: Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.
Dr. Kelso: Now if any of you other would-be revelers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, dammit! You know... it's nothing personal, son... you just make me sick.
Doug: He called me son! He called me son!
Dr. Kelso: Finally, can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with rhinophyma... Dr. Murphy?
Doug: Uh, could it be... psoriasis?
Dr. Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.
Dr. Cox: You stood up for what you believe in, and I respect that.
Turk: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Twenty bucks says you kill him.
Turk: You're on!
Carla: Oh, what's the matter, did Raggedy Ann scare you?
Dr. Cox: What are you, a rat?
Turk: Don't listen to him, Baby.
Carla: I never do.
Dr. Cox: God, I hate Halloween!
Carla: Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want some candy.
Dr. Cox: You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipos? I mean, honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?
Laverne: I made it! If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts!
Dan: So, while I'm here, we should play some frisbee golf, we should... maybe give dad a call... Dad. Oh, we should definitely make sure I sleep with that Elliot chick.
J.D.: That's a little weird for me 'cause... I don't know if you'd know this or not, but... we used to be intimate.
Dan: Int-inimate? What'd you do, bathe her?
J.D.: Yeah, once... but she was wearing a swimsuit.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Ghandi. For your information, I attended that poor vegetable's funeral every single time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks. Thank God the family finally moved him over to Surgery, where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had once and for all.
Turk: Oh, that's great - make jokes. You know, I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robo-doc like you, but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough. You know what I'm saying, chief?
J.D.: Stop your stupid laughing! It makes you look like a whore!... Jokin'!
Elliot: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be cool in high school for like five minutes, but then my dad made me play the tuba in the marching band and I developed massive forearms. Halfway through the prom, my silk gloves exploded off me like I was the Incredible Hulk.
Dan: You know I think it's sexy to dance with a woman who can lift her partner over her head.
J.D.: You need to understand, Elliot, Dan wasn't just the captain of every team - he was like the mayor of our high school. The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him, the nerds, like, worshipped him!
Elliot: What about you?
Dan: He mentioned the nerds.
J.D.: See, why hurt me?
J.D.: Why are you here?
Carla: Oh, uh, Room 310's test came back negative, I thought you might want to give him the good news.
Dan: Let me do it.
Dan: I can totally be a doctor.
J.D.: I can't let you tell him!
Dan: I won't call you Bambi anymore.
Carla: So, Dan, what brings you to town?
Dan: Oh, some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back - I figure it's an easy way to pick up some extra cash.
Carla: Oh. Plus, you get to hang out with Bambi!
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe he'll let that go...
J.D.: Well, you know, it's a term of endearment that only Carla uses.
Dan: I respect that, Bambi.
Carla: Well, that's smart, because you do not want to get on Bambi's bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi! Brrr!
J.D.: What the hell are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: You know, it's funny, Vivian, I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing as how I paged you four minutes and thirty-eight seconds ago.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, this is my big brother, Dan! He just showed up unexpected!
Dr. Cox: Heh. Four minutes and forty-four seconds.
Dan: Whoa, whoa; easy, there, chief! Why don't we have one of those nurses, there, pour you a big, tall glass of calm down juice?
J.D.: We're practically kids!
Elliot: Really? Well, what are you doing for Halloween tomorrow night?
Turk: Well, we used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town!
J.D.: Yeah! You have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do The Robot.
Carla: She didn't ask what you used to do, she asked what you're doing this Halloween.
Turk: We got plans!
J.D.: Big plans!
Elliot: Watch T.V. and sleep?
Turk: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: Oh, I may take a bath first.
J.D.: Give me some!
J.D.: I can't believe she called me "sir."
Turk: She called me "mister."
Carla: Maybe it's because you're bald?
Turk: I'm not bald - I shave my head.
Carla: Well, then, let it grow back.
Turk: Careful, honey!
Turk: How 'bout this one?
J.D.: You want to get a clear shower curtain? Why don't I just nude up in the living room and you can spray me down with a hose.
Turk: Dude, if you're gonna be that self-conscious, I could always doodle in chest hairs right about where you'd stand.
J.D.: I have a chest hair... I named him Clancy.
Dan: Touch-and-go there for a while. You're a fighter! You pulled through. We're gonna get you out of here today, but... I'd like you to keep an eye on those... rickles.
Patient: Rickles is my last name.
Dan: You bet it is. Do you have kids?
Patient: Yeah, two.
Dan: That's what I'm saying. Let's keep an eye on the little Rickles - children are our future!
J.D.: Doctor, it's an emergency, we need you right away.
Dan: Dammit, Bambi, I'm busy! So hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?
Dr. Cox: Lemme guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal you come with me right now and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and we can just go nuts.
Turk: Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox: No it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around. Turn around. You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves, that is why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun, we do it so we can get by and sometimes because it's fun. But mostly its the gettin' by thing. Oh and by the way (bobs head) "Bob", who doesn't get that?
Dr. Cox: Hahaha...
Carla: Why are you laughing?
Dr. Cox: Well off the top of my head I'd have to say it's because he's suffering. But of course I love the poetry of someone putting themself way up on a pedestal and getting knocked the hell back down into this puddle of self-hatred with the rest of us.
Carla: Did you do this to him?
Dr. Cox: No. Did anyone ever really do anything to anyone else?
Carla: You're gonna tell why you did this, and it better be good.
Dr. Cox: How does, for poops and giggles grab ya?
J.D.: Damn you, you dirty ape!
Dr. Cox: Now before you get too awful high up on your horse there Tonto, I feel it's my duty to remind you of just a little something. See you just made a twenty-dollar bet on whether a fellow human-being would live or die. Now tell me, just exactly how does that make you feel Mr. Sensitive? Pretty good? All the best.
Turk: So, Dr. Cox, your intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Karny?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Turk: I suggest we do a fem-pop bypass.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Karny is a frail old man, who'd probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
Turk: All I'm saying is if we do surgery, we can improve his quality of life.
Dr. Cox: The guy's a thousand. What's he gonna take a steamer over to Europe, open up a cafe and finally meet that nine-hundred year-old girl of his dreams?
Dr. Cox: Would people please stop calling me chief.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, numb nuts!
Dr. Cox: Dodging a funeral? Nice!
Turk: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Just a veteran move from the baby face sophomore. The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing was a little Hallmarky for me but darnit all, if you're not showing just a ton of promise.
Dr. Cox: You know newbie, it's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "Hump Day", of course all Sandra Bullock movies but now I'm thrilled to announce your brother tops the list which is...
Dan: Hey, chief! Does this speech have an intermission? 'Cause I gotta go to the lobby and take a wizz.
Dr. Cox: Aaaactually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me!
Dan: Aaaaactually, why don't you tell me what you keen on?
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: January 29, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My Big Brother" refers to J.D.'s brother, Dan, coming to town.
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