Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
When Turk is holding a tissue by Bonnie's forehead in the start, his hand position changes between shots.
During the scene where they are sitting in the cafeteria talking about ninjas, a woman in a purple sweater is near the beginning of the line behind JD. When they cut to the otherside of the table the lady with the puple sweater is at the cash register 20 feet further down the line.
Bonnie: Shove it, Turk!
Turk: Oh, I'll shove it. And love it. And dance around above it.
J.D.: Carla! Look, every time you screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.
Carla: When have I ever screwed up with you?
J.D.: Okay, never.
Carla: Mr. Hogan, what the hell?
Mr. Hogan: Well, what would you do if your five-year-old son begged you to have a bite of his dinner?
Carla: You had two dozen ribs!
Mr. Hogan: I know... I don't even have a kid.
Troy: Take that, smart guy!
Janitor: Troy. That's not how we do it.
Janitor: Hello? We can hear you! Hello!?
Troy: Why won't it stop ringing!?!?
Janitor: Hello? For the love of God! Hello?!!!
J.D.: All right, look: Okay, I never meant to insinuate you guys were stupid, all right? Everyone knows you're a hundred times smarter than the jackasses that run this place.
Dr. Kelso: Is that so, sport?
J.D.: No, sir. It's not so.
Elliot: Yes, it's like being blind in one eye... except you'll be blind in both.
Dr. Cox: There ya go, prom queen. There's some really tragic stuff in there, so, you know, go nuts.
Elliot: All-all of these are your patients?
Dr. Cox: No, but when word got about your little offer, a bunch of other docs wanted in.
Elliot: Oh, great! More for me!
Turk: Oh, my God. Okay, fine! Look, you go to Mexico, okay? And, by the way, "dolor en el asno" means "pain in the ass" - I thought it would help you when you introduce yourself.
J.D.: So, we're even, right?
Carla: Even? I told a nurse you switched her shifts - you babbled all my crazy to the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with!
J.D.: Well, I could've spent the rest of my life with Lauren!... Or at least with her tushie. I just want to wash it... is that weird?
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Aw, geez, Edith!
Elliot: Hi!... This chair won't pull out.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Maybe that's because my ankles are wrapped around it.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, can I bother you for a second?
Dr. Kelso: Based on history, I'd say yes.
Turk: I know for a fact that Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we're going to be moving around a lot, and I can't be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and those nylons that come in plastic eggs!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don't you think that's a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know, sport? Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can't keep up. Tell you what: Let's stop jiggling each other's marbles. Why don't you decide who should go; that way, when you choose yourself, I won't have to deal with all this horrible guilt.
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, you can fix this.
J.D.: Carla, look, I messed up and I'm so sorry.
Carla: Bambi. We're good, okay? We're pals!
J.D.: Ah, thank you!
Lauren: So you think it's funny to switch people's shifts, huh?
Carla: Bye, pal!
Lauren: I missed my baby's first steps!
J.D.: I'm so sorry. Does this mean you're married?
Carla: Mr. Hogan, I've come up with a little mantra for you.
Mr. Hogan: Hit me.
Carla: If meat is your treat, your esophageal varices will bleed into your intestines, causing you to digest your own blood, leading to a horrible, horrible death!
Mr. Hogan: Catchy!
Carla: Just, uh, say it over and over again.
Mr. Hogan: Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death...
Turk: J.D. said you're a big ol' can o' crazy.
J.D.: A little can... a very tiny, small can.
Turk: Nah, you said big can.
Dr. Wen: Christopher!
Turk: Sorry, sir. I just can't believe Kelso chose me.
Dr. Wen: Yeah, me neither. I told him to take Bonnie.
Turk: So, then, why did he pick me?
Dr. Wen: Among all the surgery residents, what's the difference between you, Bonnie, Todd, Steve, Eric, and V.J.?
Turk: First of all, she's a-
Dr. Wen: There it is.
Turk: Wait, because she's-?
Dr. Wen: Yep.
Dr. Wen: Exactly.
Turk: Huh? It's because she's a woman... Damn!
Dr. Cox: It's not possessed! It's... for sitting.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: For God's sake, you must park it... 'Course, what we generally do now is eat... Eat.
Elliot: I can't! I'm too nervous!
J.D.: Carla! Trust me, there's no way that he's cheating on you.
Carla: Yeah, you're probably right.
J.D.: Wait, that's it? You were just freakin' out.
Carla: Hey, you wanted in!
J.D.'s Narration: Crazy!
Dr. Kelso: Doctors! Something I've taken great pride in over the years is Sacred Heart's involvement in the esteemed "Doctors Without Borders" program. Now, every year, I single out the most qualified surgical resident to accompany me to Mexico for a weekend. Anyway, I've made my decision...
Todd: Thank you, sir. You haven't lived until you've tasted El Todd's guac.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, pack your bag.
Bonnie: Huh! So I'm doing a Nissen gastric fundoplication; and you're doing...yet another appendectomy. How fun for you!
Turk: Please, you call that smack-talk? You shoulda asked me how it feels to be so far below you, I wouldn't be able to read "Suck it, Turk" if you wrote it on the bottom of your shoe.
Bonnie: Okay. How does that feel?
Elliot: Dr. Cox! Um, Mr. Tillman is my patient, too, you know.
Dr. Cox: He is?
Elliot: Yeah, I was in the room with you this morning, remember?
Dr. Cox: Uhhh, no.
Elliot: Well, I was. Anyway, um, I-if you want, I could talk to his wife, because I... just really enjoy that kind of stuff.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute: Are you actually saying you enjoy telling people their spouses are going to die?
Elliot: ...Yep! I mean, I know that-that sounds a little bit weird, but I-I-I-I just really like being there for people; it's... kind of why I became a doctor in the first place.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's nice to know where the magic began!
Laverne: Mr. Tillman's results are back. It's bad.
Dr. Cox: Dammit, Laverne. Why can't I ever be the one dying?
Laverne: I don't know.
Dr. Cox: It... was... rhetorical.
J.D.: Catch you later, my bruthah!
Turk: I'll holla.
J.D.: He said "Holla."
Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try! She's like a ninja but worse!
J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot: I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D.: Not entirely unlike... a ninja!
Laverne: Carla, your brother called.
Carla: Oh, cool.
J.D.: I didn't know you had a brother.
Carla: That's my pet-name for Turk - you know, 'cause he's mine and he's a black man: "My bruthah."
J.D.: That is adorable. Do you think he'd mind if I call him that, too?
Carla: J.D., I was kidding.
J.D.: I know. I'm still gonna ask.
Mr. Hogan: Well, who can say no to 49-cent cheeseburgers?
Carla: Sure, but tack on the cost of medicine, your room, and pumping your stomach, and that 49-cent cheeseburger is gonna run you in the neighborhood of thirteen hundred dollars.
Mr. Hogan: Heh. See, that's how they get you.
Elliot: Can you believe that!? I mean, every time we even try to talk to him, he starts going off on one of these random tangents and...
J.D.'s Narration: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Elliot: ...You know?
J.D.: Clearly we're on the same page.
Bonnie: Aw, don't be mad. Just be the good little beeyotch you are and wipe the sweat off my forehead.
Turk: Look, don't say "beeyotch", you can't pull it off - which is interesting, being that you're the queen mother of all-
Bonnie: Dr. Wen? My forehead's feeling a little misty.
Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk, are your hands broken?
Turk: No. Here you go.
Bonnie: Mmm. That's nice... beeyotch.
Carla: So if you don't listen to Dr. Dorian, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Mr. Hogan: Okay! Ix-nay on the eat-may.
Carla: That's right.
J.D.'s Narration: We're a team.
J.D.: "Eat-may" sounds like "eat me."
J.D.: Mr. Hogan, I can't stress enough how much you gotta avoid the red meat. Cirrhosis of your liver is preventing it from filtering out all the toxins, and if those get to your brain you'd become encephalopathic leading to a mental status change.
Mr. Hogan: So, what, I'm gonna start acting all crazy or something?
J.D.: Well, you'll need a tin-foil hat to hold in all your thoughts.
Dr. Cox: Awww... You're gonna love this one! Twenty-five-year-old woman - dancer, actually... well, not anymore, I'm afraid we have to take both of her legs -bilateral gangrene - and seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancer's union probably is not gonna cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what... room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made it up! Come on, now, Barbie; you keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof of this hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I'll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high, and are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
J.D.: Will you lay off Mr. Hogan? So he made a mistake, all right, people make mistakes. When they do, it wouldn't hurt you to cut them some slack once in a while.
Mr Hogan: Thanks, man.
J.D.: Quiet; this isn't about you! Don't eat meat!
Carla: You see, that's what's really bothering me.
J.D.: What, Turk and Bonnie? They hate each other.
Carla: Then why is he doing his "You're so getting a piece of this" dance?
J.D.: He's not. That's his "In your face" dance. Or it's his "There's a sale on lotion" dance. I dunno, he's got so many dances.
Carla: I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I think. I don't like the way I feel about how I look... I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I'm so short! Plus, when I work up this morning, I cried for like half an hour because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants!
Carla: There. Now you think I'm the craziest woman here.
Elliot (Sobbing joyfully): Dr. Cox let me tell a woman that her husband's dying!
J.D.: No I don't.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, if you're here to do one of your "How are my girls today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I should warn you: I'm in a mood. So it's probably in your best interest to make up some lame excuse, turn around, and leave.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that! Luckily, for you, I have to go see Mrs. Pfitztuffulla down in Pfofferoptrics.
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad". I was gonna say, It makes me feel so "mop".
J.D.: Let me explain, I -
Janitor: Go ahead, I'm mopping.
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you "mopn't".
Elliot: Dr. Cox! I'm so glad I caught you! I need -
Dr. Cox: And there it is again - that ringing in my ears. It's kind of an "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh", but it's more piercing, more of an "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"!
J.D.: She's trying to ask you a question.
Dr. Cox: Now you, you're more of a low-pitched "Ooga-ooga-ooga". It's more masculine, which, quite frankly, is surprising considering the source, but make no mistake - oh, just equally annoying!
Janitor: It makes me so...
Janitor: Yes, that's it, I'm a janitor so I'm not smart enough to think of the word sad!
Janitor: Fork! Me can't eat soup! (Grunts)
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: January 24, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My Big Mouth" refers to J.D telling Turk that Carla is crazy.
The Scrubs crew occasionally hold contests to see who can eat the most disgusting thing. Many members of the cast ate the egg salad that the Janitor and Troy bathed in.
Carla's hair glowing and J.D.'s head melting is an allusion to a famous scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
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