Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
The patient who gets his artery nicked by J.D. is the same actor who plays Dr. Beardfacé later in the series.
"Gone" by Keren DeBerg & Tart
"My Fault" by Keren DeBerg
"Bulletproof Glow" by Steve Bertrand
"Ragtime Gal" by The Blanks
"Hello My Baby" by The Blanks
"He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother" sung by D.L. Hughley
"Me and Bobby McGee" sung by The Todd
In this episode the Janitor tells J.D. that "Crazy-Eyes Margot" is going to make sure he gets freshly-pressed scrubs every morning, but in a previous episode we see that the doctors get their scrubs from a "scrub machine", where they deposit the dirty ones to get clean ones.
This is the first episode in which Dr. Kelso shows any kind of commiseration with another human being.
In J.D.'s first scene with Dr. Kelso we can clearly see that Dr. Kelso's patient chart is nothing but a white sheet of paper all written over and not a real hospital chart.
When J.D. moves the ladder making the Janitor fall, the fall takes more than five seconds to happen, which couldn't have happened since the ladder's end was almost at J.D.'s height.
Notice the knife that JD takes from Townshend's back. You can easily see the seam where the knife sheath's inside itself to look like it's buried in a back.
Janitor and Troy have flipped J.D.'s car over
J.D.: You think it's my fault he got fired, don't you.
Janitor: Why would you say that?
J.D.: No reason.
Troy: Let's see ya drive home now, Mr. Doctor-Man!
Janitor: Troy. I said just stand there, didn't I.
Janitor: I may have to get rid of the guy.
Jordan: We are a horrible couple.
Dr. Cox: You couldn't be more wrong. Because, even though that isn't my kid in there, I still want to feel connected. And I just thought I'd be more hooked in if I knew.
Jordan: It's funny. Every time I think you're the same old sharp-edged jack-ass, you turn around and do something to remind me that you're such a pansy.
Turk: So, you wanna talk about what happened?
Kevin: Nah, man, look, it's-it's just too depressing.
Turk: Kevin, you're in a bad place right now, but you're gonna get through it. You just gotta give it time.
Kevin: Yeah, well what am I supposed to do until then?
Turk: Barkeep, I'm gonna need these two glasses, and that bottle of whisky. 'Scuse me, yes, my brother definitely needs to borrow your hat. And for the love of all that is holy! Will somebody please put on some country!
Dr. Townshend: What the hell's this all about?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! I was, uh, just looking over your files and, um... well... your osteoporotic patients aren't on Bisphosphonate; your diabetics aren't on ACE inhibitors. Doug, a lot of your treatments are pretty out of date.
Dr. Townshend: Come on, Bob, I'm-guys like us, we're set in our ways.
Dr. Kelso: Well, this is not an age thing, Doug. Hell, these days if you've been out of med school five years, half of what you learned is obsolete. Why do you think I spend every other weekend at a seminar in some two-star hotel ballroom that still stinks of last night's prom vomit? I do it because I have to keep up.
Dr. Townshend: Also, it gives you two days away from the missus, right?
Dr. Kelso: I think Mr. Singer's going to be just fine.
Dr. Townshend: Oh, geez, Bob! Don't creep up on me like that! I almost dropped some fruit in my loops!
Elliot: Look, I really think that you should think about this. So, I wrote it down, and I put it in an envelope, and then I gave it to... her.
Jordan: Hi, Honey.
Dr. Cox: Oh, you are just so gonna pay for this.
Elliot: Yeah... well, uh, so are you.
Jordan: Bend over, baby.
Kevin: What did you want me to do? Leave him in the car?
Turk: It's bad enough you freaked out my girlfriend, but now you wanna get me fired! Why don't you just smack me in my face?
Kevin: Fine. Hey, check this out!
He slaps Turk.
Dr. Wen: Kelly clamp.
Turk: One Kelly clamp coming right up.
He notices Rowdy through the observation window.
Turk: Hey, Rowdy!
Dr. Wen: You seem distracted. Is something wrong?
Turk: No, sir. I call everyone... "Rowdy."
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I was the one who nicked the artery on Mr. Singer.
Dr. Townshend: Oh, cheese on rice, son! I just said it was me!
Dr. Kelso: You need to shape up, son. Lord knows you're never gonna get by on your looks.
J.D.: Excuse me, sir, do you have a second?
Dr. Kelso: Sport, what did I tell you about my open-door policy? I don't have one.
Dr. Townshend: Bob, come on, how many more times are you gonna make me apologize for introducing you to your wife?
Dr. Kelso: Once a month, until she's dead!
Dr Cox: Now, listen, you tell or else!
Elliot: Or else what? You'll treat me worse than you usually do? Here's the inside scoop, Perry: For the first time, I have leverage. You're familiar with leverage, right? It's what you're going to need when you disimpact Mr. Burnett - who, by the way, is so locked up, I'm guessing he's been eating either gum, rubber cement, or cork.
Dr. Cox: Look. Barbie.
Elliot: Yeah... that's not my name.
Dr. Cox: Fine... Dr...Reid? Really?
Dr. Cox: Nothing.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, lookit, I need you to go down to the lab and get Mrs. Miller's blood-work; I also need you to disimpact Mr. Burnett in 317; and what did you say the sex of the child was?
Elliot: I've got a better idea: You do those things, and when you're done, I'll think about telling you the sex.
Dr. Cox: Huh, that's weird. It seems like you just went to a swap meet and got yourself a big-boy spine.
J.D.'s Narration: All right, this sucks. But, as bad as I feel, I'm sure Dr. Townshend feels even worse for making me do the procedure.
Dr. Townshend: Don't worry about it - I'll take the blame, okay?
He walks off with a smile.
J.D.'s Narration: He hides it well.
Dr. Townshend: Now, Mr. Singer, here, needs a swan. So, why don't you go ahead and do an IJ cut down?
J.D.'s Narration: A cut down? No one does those anymore.
J.D.: Uh, sir, shouldn't I just do a modified Seldinger? I mean, it's so much safer.
Dr. Townshend: Nah, come on, let's do "old school."
Kevin: So, look, Chris, I got a meeting this afternoon... but what do you say tonight, me and you tear it up like we used to!
Turk: I gotta work.
Kevin: Well, get somebody to cover for your ass, man! I'm only here for the weekend!
Turk: Look, I just asked Carla to marry me, and you were in there acting like a jerk.
Kevin: Oh, man! You-you-you're engaged!? Congratulations!
Turk: She hasn't exactly said yes yet.
Kevin: Well, that-that-that-that's all right. Sometimes a lady just needs to sleep on it.
Turk: I asked her a week ago.
Janitor: What the hell just happened?
J.D.: I moved your ladder.
Janitor: I don't know... why you keep doing these things to me!
J.D.: I don't know, either!
Jordan: Tell you what, we'll compromise. I'll decide this, and you get to decide...um... Sorry, I got nothing.
Dr. Gerson: Look, it's common for each parent to feel differently.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I am not the father; he's a bell-boy in Greece.
Jordan: We think.
J.D.'s Narration: What Carla didn't know was that Turk was using his brother as a selling point. Because no one said "family" more than Kevin Turk.
Turk: Check out my bother's kids.
Carla: Awwwwww... They're adorable!
Turk: How's that great marriage of yours, man?
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, no.
Turk: Say what?
Kevin: I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get the hell out of there!
Carla: Get the hell out of there?
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, my God! Do something to change the subject! Anything!
J.D.: Everybody! Soda chugging contest!
Dr. Cox: No, honey, the reason we're late is that you took forever to get ready. That's what happens when you're vain!
Jordan: Whatever you say, Mr. Yesterday I Had Chest-hair, Today I Suddenly Don't.
J.D.: That was good, Kevin! We should-we should make him, like, make dinner for us tonight. He could be our own personal slave!
Kevin: Our own personal what, now?
J.D.: Oh, no, I don-I don't mean like that kind of slave.
Kevin: Well, how 'bout this: How 'bout he be the house slave, and I be the field slave. That sound like fun to you?
J.D.: That-that wouldn't be fun...
Turk: What's going on?
Kevin: I forgot how much fun it was messing with Alfalfa!
Kevin: So, this is the place, huh? This is nice! Hey, hey, so, uh, how is this baby? Is it all right?
He tests the couch cushions.
Turk: This, right here, is fit for a king.
Kevin: Well, that's good. That makes me feel better about sleeping in your room while you're comfy out here.
Turk: No, Kevin, that's not gonna work.
Kevin: Well, I'm a business man - we can work something out. Let me see, I sent you to college, and med school, and you have done nothing for me; so, I tell you what: I'll sleep on the couch, and you cut me a check for eighty grand.
Turk: I'll go get my pillow.
J.D.: I still can't believe I power-walked 'butt-naked' through the halls of the hospital last night.
Turk: My man, I know that wasn't you.
Turk: I'm not really proud of this, but I can pick your puff-'n'-stuff out of a line-up.
J.D.: Oh, it changed since you saw it - it got a haircut.
J.D.: Thanks, Todd. Here's that fifty bucks I promised you.
Todd: Keep it, man. That was for me!
J.D.: Todd, get dressed.
Todd: I'm going back out there!
Dr. Cox: What's the deal, there, Gandhi? Are you gonna be a bride?
Carla: It's so beautiful.
Turk: Yeah, well, you know, I woulda showed it to you before you left, but, uh... I couldn't get to it. And that is a long story.
Carla: I want to thank you for not pressuring me. I mean, don't get me wrong, you left me like forty messages in five days; but... I know you - if you weren't holding back, it woulda been like a hundred and forty.
Turk: I do love the speed dial!
Dr. Kelso: There he is!
Dr. Townshend: Missed you on our morning jog, Bobby. What is that now, about two hundred days in a row?
Dr. Kelso: You're a pistol!
J.D.: The only place this guy's running to is to a bakery! Who's got me up high?
Dr. Kelso: Ehhh.
Dr. Townshend: Uh, mistake you made there, J.D.: You didn't pat his belly - it soothes him.
J.D.: Ahhh. Dammit.
Turk: She asked me to pick her up from the airport! That's a good sign, right!
J.D.: Good sign? Dude, I am so sure Carla's gonna say yes, if she doesn't I'll power-walk naked through these halls singing "Me and Bobby McGee"!
J.D.: Hey, Chocolate Bear! Did you ask her?
Turk: She said she needed to think about it, then she hopped on a plane to Chicago for five days.
J.D.'s Narration: He needs you. Stay positive.
J.D.: Woo-hooooo! She's thinkin', she's thinkin', and we should go out drinkin'! chicka-uh-huh-chicka-chicka... Wanna get a beer?
J.D's Narration: Dr Townshend is like the anti-Kelso. The nurses love him. (Dr. Townshend waves to the nurses, who wave and smile back) The attendings love him. (Dr. Cox comes up)
Dr. Townshend: How's the best doctor in this place?
Dr. Cox: You tell me, hotshot! (Townshend pats Cox on the back)
J.D's Narration: Everyone loves him. (Dr. Townshend comes up to the Janitor)
Janitor: Thank you (pause) for being you. (Dr Townshend and Janitor hug each other).
J.D's Narration: And the wierdest part is, he and Kelso are best friends.
Carla: Do you really think he wants to get married?
Dr. Cox: Listen, any guy who'd be willing to scour the face of the earth to find world's smallest diamond ring cuh-learly knows just exactly what he wants.
Carla: I just don't know if he's mature enough. I mean, he couldn't stop giggling when he found out he had to operate on Mr. Weiner.
Dr. Cox: (Laughs) It was a funny name.
Carla: Stop it.
Dr. Cox: Look, the guy's 27 year old, he's a surgeon, currently involved in a long-term monogamous relationship, and as much as I'd love to trash him, I'm afraid I'm not down with the whole maturity thing.
Dr. Kelso: No offense, sport. Don't think I have anything against ugly people.
J.D.: Why would I take offense to that?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.
Jordan: (About the baby) It's kicking me.
Dr. Cox: Who can blame it?
J.D.'s narration: Because, even something as harmless as twenty or thirty drinks with your brother can end up biting you on the ass.
J.D.: Oh, no thanks... I'll just go-
Janitor: I'm not asking. All right, guys, this is the kid I was telling you about we're gonna look out for. This is Brent from Parking. He's gonna set you up with a sweet spot right at the main entrance so you'll never be late again. This is Crazy-Eyes Margot, from Housekeeping. She's gonna make sure that you got freshly-pressed scrubs in your locker every morning. 'Course, this is Troy, you know him from the cafeteria line. He's gonna stop spitting in your food.
J.D.: Thank you... for that.
Todd: The vascular surgeon on call said to say you could pick up your patient this evening. He also said to say he could give you a loaner patient if you needed someone to butcher until then... but I didn't really get it.
Dr. Townshend: No one expects you to, son.
Todd: Okay, thanks.
J.D.: Sir, can I call you "Townsie"?
Dr. Townshend: No.
J.D.'s narration: I was having a great time working with Townsie.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, be reasonable. If you're incubating some kind of man-bat in there, we should find out about it as soon as possible - there are vaccinations to consider.
J.D.: Look, I know you're laboring over this whole proposal thing, so I thought I'd sweeten the pot by letting you know I have a killer best man's toast.
Carla: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna rush the biggest decision of my life so I can hear you say, "When I first met Chris Turk, I knew this was a guy I could party with forever! Yeah!"
J.D.'s narration: She's psychic!
Kevin: Hey, Alfalfa! What's the happie-haps?
J.D.: Oh, that depends... What's a "happie-hap"?
J.D.: You know sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.
Kelso: Well... what the hell. Back in sixty-eight - I don't like you. The end.
Dr. Townshend: He tells that one a lot.
Dr. Cox: Alrighty there doctor leverage 'cause here's the real inside scoop. I could literally sculpt a gigantic Mr. Burnett after what I just removed from Mr. Burnett. So I really think its in your best interest for you to start talking. Should I get the child a baseball glove or a tutu?
Elliot: Well, girls can play baseball too.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, you're a waxer?!
Dr. Cox: Hark! It is the high-pitched wobble of the Nosey Nelly. You don't see many of those flitting around these halls anymore because, quite frankly, when one does, one shoots to kill. Now bar-bie, Jordan is here for her ultrasound today and I'm going to be holding her claw the entire time so, what you've just done is essentially volunteered to do all of your work and all of mine. And if you'll step right this way I be more than glad to tell you more about you've won.
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: February 14, 2013 on Prima COOL
Kevin: (Referring to the almost passed out Turk) He ain't heavy...he's my brother!
"He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" is a song by The Hollies that was released in 1969.
Elliot: Well, girls can play baseball, too!
Dr. Cox: Oh, yak-yak-yak-yak--I know what girls can do! You've come a long way, baby. Spill, doll.
"You've come a long way baby" was the slogan for a women's only cigarette produced by Virginia Slims in the late 1960s and 1970s. The slogan stated that women had come a long way in life, just like Dr. Cox's "rant" meant that women had come a long way in sports.
Kevin calls J.D. "Alfalfa", which is a character from the Little Rascals.
When asked how comfy his couch is, Turk says, "It's fit for a King". Turk's brother, Kevin, is played by D.L. Hughley who starred in the movie The Original KINGs of Comedy.
The movie The Original Kings of Comedy was released in 2000 and featured the stand-up acts of comedians D.L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, Bernie Mac, and Steve Harvey.
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