Scrubs Season 3 Episode 12

Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It's garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!

Carla: Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: What?
Carla: The crows are back. They're making your pimp-mobile look like SpinArt.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you, so let's cut to the chase. If you know where all the garbage in this hospital is going, I'll give you... eight dollars.
J.D.: Sorry, sir.
Janitor: Thanks!
Dr. Kelso: Huh?

J.D.: Look, I did my psych rotation, okay? I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue. I get it. But it's not like I'm looking for a-a mentor... I just want a little validation. It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake 'cause you went four days without killing a patient.
Doug: That was awesome!
J.D.: You know!
J.D.'s Narration: I've always felt like Doug understood me. It's weird; after knowing him for three years, I suddenly realized he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be... Wait!
J.D.: Doug, get the hell outta here!
Doug: Okay.

Turk: Okay, I've removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, aaaand time!
Elliot: Oh, my God! You can't even beat Dr. Kevin Casey's lap-chole time when you're imagining it!
Turk: So! I could be just as fast if I was like him and practiced over and over again on a simulator.
Elliot: Yeah... but you don't.
Turk: Yeah, well I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises!
Elliot: I know... but you don't.
Turk: Yeah, well, I could-
Elliot: You don't.
Turk: But-
Elliot: Don't!
Turk: Could you enjoy this any less?

Jordan: Being the best doctor here is the only thing he had to hang his hat on.
Dr. Cox: Listen, just because we have a child together doesn't necessarily mean you know me, mmm'kay, princess?

Carla: I just don't understand why this guy bothers him so much.
Jordan: Carla, Perry is a dysfunctional, unsuccessful, emotionally-damaged old man! No offense, sweetie.
Dr. Cox: None taken.

Dr. Casey: All right, all six of your butt cheeks just, uh, tightened up.
Dr. Cox/J.D./Turk: Uh.
Dr. Casey: Someone around here pissing you guys off? 'Cause I will give 'em some attitude.
J.D.: Uhhh... (points to Ted) That guy!
Dr. Casey: Hey, Hair Club! That suit, that come with the flop sweat?

J.D.'s Narration: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant.

Dr. Casey: Uh, listen, I hate to be childish about this, but I have to, uh..."make". And for me that involves driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat several times with industrial-strength cleanser. So, if we could just call this a tie...?
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.

Dr. Cox: Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy - now I don't care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!
Doug: Okay... Wh-what is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus?
Dr. Cox(yawning): Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy. Snore! Back to you, there, half-pint.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, short jokes are a sign of desperation, my friend.
Randall: Amen, brother.

Dr. Kelso: Now look, security said your van hasn't left the premises. So I demand to know where all the trash is going.
Janitor: ...Away.
Dr. Kelso: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the grocer when it was my turn to bring the deli spread to Hank Weinberg's poker night: This better be kosher. Otherwise, it's not just Ted who's gonna pay for it.

Dr. Cox: Okay, class! We have a guest with us at rounds today, happens to be an old friend of yours truly, so let's all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves. Nnnnnnnn'kay?
Dr. Casey: Hey, gang. My name is Dr. Kevin Cas-
Dr. Cox: Anyway! I thought we'd change things up a little bit today - instead of me firing questions at you, I'd like to see you all scurry away and get your text books. And when you get back, you actually get to quiz us. A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it?
Dr. Casey(yawns): I'm sorry; are you done with the speechifying?... I'm kidding, you frightening bastard!

Doug: I'm sorry, J.D., I just don't think pirates are cool.
J.D.: Well then you're not cool, Doug!

Turk: Cool trick.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, you should try it. It's good for dexterity, concentration... and convincing single women you're a power-dork.

Dr. Cox: What the hell!? He's anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukemia.
Carla: Don't tell me The Great One is stumped!
Dr. Cox: No. It's just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and figure out.
Dr. Casey sticks his head in the door.
Dr. Casey: He's got Gaucher's disease.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Casey: I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh! I just sent out for one of those!
Carla: No you didn't!
Dr. Cox: Uh-shh!

Dr. Cox: Oh, maybe Kevin being here is making me regress. I mean, you realize that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad.
Carla: You get out.
Dr. Cox: I know. But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls; which is a curse, actually, because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump.
J.D.: Here's that CT scan you ordered!
Dr. Cox: Thank. You.
J.D.'s Narration: Eye contact! He respects me!

Dr. Cox: You know, Carla, I gotta say your-your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute.
Carla: What's with the sweet talk?

Dr. Kelso: So, come on, what'd you do with all the garbage?
Janitor: That's not part of the deal... Randall. You, me, on the roof, winner takes all.
Randall: You never learn, do you?

Turk: What?
Elliot: If there is one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's that you should never antagonize your boss... or the people that make the food, because either way you end up eating poo. Hear it, learn it, live it.

Turk: Dr. Wen! Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-chole even faster than yours?
Dr. Wen: Yes, it was.
Turk: Because some of the guys were saying I totally kicked your ass and I wanted them to shut up, you know if it wasn't true, but since it is, I'll just let it go.

Dr. Casey: You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD. And since I was compulsive anyway, you know, I-I read the same text books over and over, I, uh, I went through the procedures over and over, I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over and over and over and over and over-
J.D.: Dr. Casey.
Dr. Casey: -and over and over and over-
J.D.: Dr. Casey!
Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey.
J.D.: Oh.
Dr. Casey: Thank you.

J.D.: I'm more skittish.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel.
J.D.: I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You know... like a pirate.
J.D.'s Narration: Enough about pirates! Wait until you know him better.
Dr. Casey: Ahoy, there.
J.D.: You going to the, uh... O.Arrr? Heh.
J.D.'s Narration: I said enough!

Dr. Casey: All right, Carol, let's just put it out there - you've got Lupus. But instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive signs, okay? Your, uh, pericarditis is resolving, your renal function is good-
Suddenly a disoriented bird crashes into the window and J.D. shrieks and drops to the ground.
Dr. Casey: -Suicidal scavenger birds also an excellent sign, right Doctor?
J.D.: It's a great sign.
Dr. Casey: Okie-dokie, artichokie.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, by the way, the Italian gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called, and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double.
Janitor: My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you two doing here?
Janitor: We come up here on our breaks to wrestle.
Randall: And drink beer.
Janitor: Only the winner drinks beer.
Randall belches.
Dr. Kelso: How much to make the garbage go away?
Janitor: Say... twenty bucks a month?... Twenty-three bucks a month?

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight. I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie.
Dr. Cox: Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you. Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.
Dr. Cox: YES!

Laverne: I don't want a piece.
J.D.: Well you're the only one. Okay?

J.D.: Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.'s Narration: Loved pirates! Just like me!

Dr. Cox: Kevin Casey? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you-are ya shaking hands nowadays?
Dr. Casey: Well, a lifetime of therapy... and a... whole lotta Zoloft... just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!
Dr. Cox: Atta boy!
Dr. Casey: I do have a three-second limit.
Dr. Cox: Boy, who doesn't!

Dr. Casey: It's okay, you can say it.
J.D.(whispering): It's just that you're... you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD.
Dr. Casey: It's not a secret.
J.D.(whispering): I know. I always talk like this.
Dr. Casey: You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here.
J.D.(whispering): I can do it!
Dr. Casey(whispering): I believe in you!

Dr. Casey: Dr. Kevin Casey... Dr. Kevin Casey... You know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people - you just have to bring your own... knifey thingie...
Carla: "Scalpel".
Dr. Casey: That's the word!

Carla: Your hair smells like Elliot's.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas!
Carla: Is that racist?
Elliot: That depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: Maybe...

J.D.'s Narration: I was excited for Turk. And, God bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!
Turk: New wax did that?
J.D.: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: New wax did that?
Elliot: I couldn't believe it either!
Carla: Oh. Ye-oh, sorry about the girl talk.
J.D.: Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk... you know...
Turk: Really big trucks...
J.D.: Solo-Flex...

Dr. Wen: The Todd here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch has been passed.
Turk: Thank you, sir! Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this! Dr. Wen just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!
Dr. Wen: Disappointed?
Todd: I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?... He knows...

J.D.: I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart; I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney. I'm going with female pop stars today. The point is that back when I was a resident, I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases. You know what I did? I grabbed every case I could get my hands on until I had it down pat.
J.D.: Got it... You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?
Dr. Cox: Noo... I'm a good doctor.

J.D.'s Narration: Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out.
Female Staffer: You look like you could use some help.
J.D.: Nope.
J.D.'s Narration: Even random people.
Male Staffer: You need help, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No thanks, Dr... whatever your name is.
J.D.'s Narration: They won't leave me alone.
Doctor: Free help, here.
J.D.: Piss off, Mickhead.

Turk: Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver. Because here comes Dr. Turk's robot laser.
Dr. Wen: Hey, Christopher. I could do without the color commentary.
Turk: Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause I'm doing it?

Carla: Um, what's up with the oatmeal today?
Dr. Cox: Too much milk.
Carla: No.
Dr. Casey: Not enough butter.
Carla: That's it!
Dr. Cox: Did you just diagnose the oatmeal? You can't just go sniff and diagnose the oatmeal.
Jordan: He just did. Kevin, are you single?
Dr. Casey: Yeah. Why, are you?
Jordan: I'm thinking about it.
Carla: Heh. Yeah, me too.
Dr. Cox: What-what in the hell... just happened? Just... J-What just happened!?

Dr. Casey: I believe the word you're looking for is 'holy crap'.

J.D.: You are unflappable.
Dr. Casey: It's true, I can't be flapped.

J.D.'s Narration: I think when rational men are forced to face their shortcomings they all do the same thing: Blame Kevin Casey! Who gave him the right to judge me? 'Cause I sure didn't! I'll give him a piece of my mind!

Dr. Casey: Nice place. It's got that great...vomit and peanut smell.
J.D.: Yeah... Reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was a carnie.

Ted: Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!
Laverne: Shut up, bozo.
Ted: One more person. She didn't know the rules.

Ted: If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building!
Janitor: I'm not cleaning you up.

Dr. Casey: J.D., do you wanna get a beer tonight?
J.D.: Do chickens wish they could fly?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea.
J.D.: I like to think they do.
Dr. Casey: So do I.

J.D.'s Narration: Luckily for Kevin, he was getting the chance to meet everyone around here.
Todd: See, the reason the X-Box joke should work is that "x-box" is like the perfect word for a girl's party zone!
Dr. Casey: Uh...."The Todd", is it?
Todd: Oh, yeah.
Dr. Casey: Can you go make a very important phone call for me?
Todd: To who?
Dr. Casey: To anyone.

Dr. Kelso: That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time.
Ted: I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day, trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood.
Dr. Kelso: Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening.

Turk: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box...
Todd: I'd like to play John Madden Football...on her x-box.
Turk: On who, Todd? There are no women here.
Todd: Well, it's still funny!

J.D.: Dr. Cox? I could use a little help.
Dr. Cox: Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.
J.D.: Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know - it's new wax.

Dr. Casey: What smells like lilacs?
Carla: Her... And Him.
Dr. Casey: That's very nice... and deeply disturbing.
J.D.: The jar said "Unisex."