Scrubs

Dr. Cox: Did you... did you do that for me? Jordan: I thought it'd be fun. See, now there are two blondes you can't have sex with! Dr. Cox: I don't care! It is so naughty!

Janitor: Don't look at me like that! This is your fault, anyway! You two made me dream again. Turk: Hey, we weren't the ones who caved in to Kelso. Janitor: I do not owe you an explanation for that! Carla: You're right, you don't owe us an explanation! Turk: Lay some truth on him, baby!

Bandmate: How you feeling? Jeff: Hey, Rick! Bandmate: Hi! Jeff: Audrey! Ryan! Tim! Jamie! Tobey! Bandmate: Hey, Jeff! Jeff: Joe! Dr. Cox: I hope this won't be awkward for ya, but I promised the whole band you'd have sex with them.

Danni: Okay, I'm gonna buy the next round. Which one of you handsome boys wanna help me carry it? Sean: We're both good-looking guys, am I right? We'll sort this out when I get back!

Turk: Baby. Carla: Hmm? Turk: I would never sleep with your sister. She's hideous.

J.D.: So, you'd rather hang out with someone you don't even like than be alone? Danni: Yeah, pretty much. J.D.: Yeah, me too. I mean, come on, how many couples out there actually have fun together? Sean: Guys! Elliot and I are in the middle of a marathon game of Hide & Go Seek. If she comes in, you didn't see me!

J.D.'s Narration: In a big hospital, you can hide from almost anything. Except your conscience. Jordan: Hello. Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! Hey, Jordan! You know what's weird? Jordan: Tell me. Dr. Cox: We're so close, and yet if anybody asks if we're married, all either one of us can say is-is no. Jordan: Actually, I say we were married for five years then got divorced, now we're back living together, have a child, but we're in a long-term, committed relationship. Dr. Cox: Yeah, that's what I say, too... That or... no.

Dr. Miller: Excuse me, I need to get a, uh- Dr. Cox: Book about supply closet etiquette? Yeah, look, I'm kinda using this area?

Dr. Kelso: Listen, Serpico, I go four steps out that door to my car every day. And that's important, because if I don't beat Enid home from her thighs & buns class, I have to help her peel off her leotard.

Carla: Bambi, when you broke up with Danni, you said it was the happiest day of your life! J.D.: No, that was only because 'Barney Miller' came out on DVD. Turk: And WoJo's commentary on it? Priceless!

Dr. Miller: Okay, that's all from me, Jeff. Any other questions you might have you can direct to Dr. Cox, here. I'm sure you'll find him to be quite... something! Dr. Cox: Ha-ha!

Janitor: My cousin is a bank teller, and he gave me one of those exploding ink cartridges they put in stolen money so I could figure out who's been disconnecting the emergency exits! He finds Dr. Kelso standing there, covered in blue ink. Dr. Kelso: Nice work.

Dr. Kelso: Okay. This badge is now yours. Janitor: I just want to thank you for believing in me. And I want to assure you that I am gonna be guarding these hospital gates the way Cerberus guarded the gates of Hell! Dr. Kelso: Yeah, that's terrific.

Dr. Cox: Honestly, Jordan, I have never despised anyone more. Jordan: Oh, my God. You have a crush on her. Dr. Cox: Who said who to what now?

J.D.: Do you have to do that here? Danni: What? I like smoking after sex. J.D.: And during. God, you never used to smoke! Danni: Yeah, but back then I was pretending to be someone I thought you wanted me to be, and that didn't work. So now... I'm gonna let the real me come out.

Dr Cox: I went ahead and took a look at your little rock star's chart. Dr. Miller: Oh, didja? Dr. Cox: Yes, I did. And his urine output is dropping, so you should probably start him on Lasix. Dr. Miller: You amuse me. So even though he's post-op and still technically my patient, I'm gonna pretend to consider your opinion before I walk away and do whatever I want! Hmm. No!

Dr. Miller: Oh, yeah. That incision's healing up nicely. Jeff: Thanks again, Dr. Miller. I'm gonna have my band write a song about you. Dr. Miller: Well, I'm glad I struck a chord! Dr. Cox: Yeah, listen: While you were proving once and for all that pretty girls do not in fact need to be funny...

Elliot: Listen, J.D... Last night was really important to me. J.D.: I know. I mean, you don't want to be rusty at sex before you throw down with your real boyfriend, do ya?

Carla: Aww, Bambi freeze up again? Turk: It's not our problem, honey.

Elliot: J.D., I can't talk right now. J.D.: Should we just hold each other?

J.D.: I'm actually on my way to see somebody, so, you know... Danni: Oh, okay. I'll see you later. J.D.'s Narration: Oh, be nice. J.D.: Danni, wait! How've you been? Danni: Well, actually, I- J.D.: Ooh! Gotta go!

J.D.: Danni!? J.D.'s Narration: When you run into someone you used to date, either you find them totally annoying or enough time has passed that you've idealized everything about them. Danni: Hey, J.D. J.D.'s Narration(mocking): "Hey, Jay-Dee!"

Irv: I've been trying like the dickens to cut down on my snacking, but it's just so- J.D.: Ehp-ehp-ehp! You look great, Irv! J.D.'s Narration: Irv didn't look great, but I didn't have time to talk.

Irv: I'm sorry, sir. But there's no parking allowed at the emergency curb. But I'd be happy to park your car for ya, and run the keys up to you in a jiff. Guy: Yeah... Except this is my only set? And I'm afraid you might eat them. Okay? See ya, tubs.

J.D.: What should I do? J.D.'s Narration: That was a huge mistake. Because the closer Turk and Carla got to their wedding, the more they became one of those annoying couples that thought they knew everything about relationships. Turk/Carla: Look, J.D... Turk: You first, honey. Carla: J.D., love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and... you'll crush it. Turk: Too loose and it flies away.

J.D.: She's already back with Sean. Carla: How soon after you guys hooked up? J.D.: About ninety seconds.

Turk: Dude, ignore her. That's three years in a row - who's feeling you? J.D.: You be.

J.D.'s narration: I was so mad at Elliot I couldn't sleep last night. Also Danni snores like a gutted wild bore, but mostly it was the Elliot thing.

J.D.: (To Sean, who is kissing Elliot) You've got something on your face. Sean: What? J.D.'s narration: The love of my life. J.D.: You got it.

Carla: Now I'm gonna let my husband-to-be tell you what life's really all about, because he has more of this than any man I know. Turk: Archie comics? Carla: No, the other thing. Turk: Oh, that's right - integrity.

Elliot: Oh, you seem real crushed! I mean, you jumped into bed with Danni so quick you didn't have time to change the sheets! J.D.: You know I only have one set. Elliot: Look, J.D., can I ask you a favor? J.D.: Could I ask you one? Elliot: Sure, anything. What is it? J.D.'s Narration: Damn, I don't have one.

Carla: Turk, he wants to be with Dr. Miller because he thinks it'll make him what? Turk: Happy. Carla: Exactly. But he's really only happy when he's...? Turk: Miserable. Carla: Right! So why does he really want to be with Dr. Miller? Turk: 'Cause she got big-ass boobies! Carla: No, no, no. Because he likes being miserable.

J.D.: Hey, you wanna play darts? Danni: Sure! J.D.: Great! Have fun, I'll be over here. Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me? J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word... I...I'm used to it. You know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

Dr. Cox: Look, I honestly don't think that going to some dive bar is necessarily appropriate for somebody who just had kidney surgery. Although, don't get me wrong, the fact that it seems to be pissing you off so much is the true definition of an added perk. Seriously, you can-you can look it up in the dictionary. It's under "P" for "perk". It's right next to "pain in the ass" and, curiously enough, your picture is right next to it.

Carla: Look at you in your new uniform! And they give you a nightstick! Janitor: Well, actually, this is my dad's. He used to use this baby every day at work. Turk: Was he a cop? Janitor: Uh, no, cat trainer.

Dr. Cox: Look, there's a new doctor at the hospital, and she is such a relentless chore that every time she's harping at me, I actually see your face. Jordan: I love that you think about me at work!

Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it? But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward. If I was a security guard around here, things'd be different. Carla: You really want to be a security guard? Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green? Turk: The uniforms are black and gray. Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

J.D.: I totally understand. You know, Danni and I are getting back together, too. J.D.'s Narration: We are? Elliot: Danni? Danni, Danni, Danni... What was her last name? J.D.'s Narration: Damn! I should know this! Elliot: Blonde hair! J.D.: Yes! Raspy voice!

J.D.: You don't enjoy hanging out with me, do you? Danni: Not really, I'm more into tough guys, you know. J.D.: Last night in bed I knocked you unconcious! Danni: For like 5 seconds.

J.D.: [to Danni in the other room] You want any water? [sees Turk and Carla watching him] ...Well do you guys? Carla: Bambi, we know you were in there with Danni, we heard you say her name. J.D.: Oh, no no, I was in there with my buddy Danny, from the gym. Turk: But we heard you say "Take it all, Danni!" J.D.: ...He's a ... really good buddy...

Dr. Cox: Oh don't even start "Tarla" or "Curk" whatever you're calling this little two-headed judgemental freak-show. Why don't I do a little piece for you, I like to call "Your First Year of Marriage." 'I do.' Oh kiss, kiss, kiss. 'Why can't we have a baby?' 'Why you spending so much money on clothes?' 'Why you sleeping with my sister?' 'Why can't I hang out with my peeps?' Pkkkkkkkk...

Janitor: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Movin' a little quick there aren't we bub. Got a story to tell me? Dr. Cox: Here's a story. It's called the security guard who was sodomized with his own nightstick. Janitor: Why don't we just consider this a warning? Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Danni: I get so gassy after sex. Oh, by the way, some skank named Barbara called; I told her to back off! J.D.: Barbara's my mom.