Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Kim Briggs
Dr. Doug Murphy
During the scene in the coffee shop when the Janitor and Cabbage are talking, there is a nurse in purple scrubs standing to the Janitor's left behind him talking to two people sitting at a table. The camera pans to Cabbage and when the Janitor asks if he's worried about spider monkeys, the nurse is gone. The camera pans to Cabbage and when it pans back to the Janitor, the nurse is behind him again.
In the coffee shop, when Kim says that she and J.D. should be able to talk about sex, Elliot visibly winces at the word "sex", part of the running joke of how incredibly uncomfortable she is with matters relating to sex.
"Heart and Soul" written by Hoagy Carmichael, performed by Zach Braff and Elizabeth Banks (J.D. and Kim play piano)
"All In All" by Lifehouse (Final scene)
"Why" performed by Elefant
"New Model" performed by Emotion Project
"Boy" performed by Keren DeBerg
If you look closely on the cotton candy man's rash, you'll see that it looks like a smiley face with curly hair.
J.D.: Thanks. Is there anything else you wanna... tell me, or admit to? I mean, I looked everywhere, there was... no signs of balloons.
Turk: Wow, I got a family.
J.D.: I know. In seven months, I'm gonna have a family, too. Did you ever think we'd be here back when we were freshmen in college? Remember that first week when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said you guys were only naked underneath the covers because you'd had a water-balloon fight and you were cold?
Turk: J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.
J.D.: Please, this isn't about that. It's just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons. You'd think there'd be some balloons.
Elliot: I caught it! That counts! I'm gonna go hold the crap outta that baby!
Elliot: You know the worst thing about Turner's surgery? I'm gonna be right, but... he's gonna die. It'll be a hollow victory.
Dr. Cox: If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor die due to his own idiocy, I would call that a pretty full victory.
Dr. Cox: Giant coffee.
Janitor: Saw you coming. Here's your vente drip. Say, how 'bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD. With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe, this British soul superstar is one of the year's hottest newcomers.
Dr. Cox: You know what - I'll take one of those.
Janitor: It's a sale.
Turk: All right, I earned that money, and I'm not giving it back, and there's nothing you can do to make me.
Carla: Give those people their money back!
Turk: I can't believe you told!
J.D.: Turk, we're doctors. We live by a moral code.
J.D.: I feel like I dodged a bullet. Trust me, Brown Bear, you don't want this hanging over your head. Find Vijay and give him his twenty bucks back.
Turk: Yeah, but then I'd have to give the money back to all the others. I kinda did a few diagnoses at the mall yesterday.
J.D.: Are you crazy? You could get sued! Secondly, I can't believe you went to the mall without me - I specifically told you I needed to buy loafers. And thirdly, how could you go to the mall without me? That's our thing!
Dr. Kelso: You don't scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back. Now, how about somebody gets me a banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.
Janitor: As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Dr. Kelso: Manager? You have worked here one day.
Janitor: Corporate loved my ingenuity.
Elliot: Look, Dr. Turner, you're older, you're not in the best health - I really think that this surgery could kill you.
Dr. Turner: Are they gonna come in and shave me soon?
Elliot: I'm still your primary physician.
Dr. Turner: No, Kershnar's my lead now.
Dr. Kershnar: I think surgery is the right choice.
Elliot: Did you give him cue cards?
Dr. Turner: That way he gets it exactly right.
Turk: He's gone... Somebody shot him.
J.D.: Ohhh. I hope it wasn't the corn-dog guy. They never got along.
J.D.: His rash is probably purpura from disseminated intravascular coagulopathy, and I missed it, Turk. I'm screwed!... Okay, you-you go in there and take care of things. I'll... I'll just stand out here and think about all the things I'll miss about being a doctor. The light cotton outfits... the free gauze...
J.D.'s Narration: I didn't tell Kim about how I most likely ruined my career by misdiagnosing the cotton candy man. I don't like to be a burden to the people I care about.
Dr. Cox: And here we are. Even though Kershnar's signature is on the chart, this is the gentleman who ordered the surgery.
Elliot: No, he didn't. Tell him.
Dr. Turner: What would you like me to say?
Dr. Cox: I'm just gonna go ahead and tip myself for calling this one!
Elliot: He's actually a very deferential patient. Instead of surgery, I'm treating his AAA with drugs.
Dr. Cox: D'oh! Thank you! Dr. Chatterbox there scheduled him for... surgery.
Elliot: What the hell, Kersh!
Dr. Kelso: I'd like to see the blueberry again. Mmmmm. Blueberries taste fresh. Hint of lemon zest - I'm intrigued. And unfortunately processed flour. No thank you. Let me try your carrot.
J.D.: Put that away, Turk! That's back-alley money!
Cotton Candy Vendor: Hey. I'll give you twenty bucks if you check out my rash.
J.D.: I'm sorry, cotton candy man, but unlike my friend, here, I have no interest in being sued for... Do I smell blue?
Cotton Candy Vendor: Just added the dye.
J.D.: Ohhhhh! You crafty, crafty man - that is fluffing up nicely. Hey, give me some money, I'm jonesing for some c-squared.
Turk: Oh, you don't want my back-alley money, do you?
J.D.: You heartless bastard. All right, let's see your disgusting rash.
Vijay: Could you guys look at my shoulder? I tweaked it pretty good.
J.D.: Come on, Vijay, first you dunk on me and yell "Who's your bitch!", now you want free medical advice?... How did I not know these guys were Indian?
Vijay: I'll give you twenty bucks.
J.D.: I'm sorry, my friend, but that's just not ethical.
Turk: Done and done!
J.D.: You always buy me a cotton candy after the game to celebrate my good sportsmanship.
Turk: Yeah, well, you know what? I can't be buying you stuff all the time!
J.D.: Yeah, well, I'm very close to a tantrum.
Janitor: We want a dental plan.
Dr. Kelso: Dental is for old people. You young bucks have years before you have to worry about your choppers.
Janitor: One, two... (They grab their front teeth and pull) Ahhh!
They all hold out teeth
Dr. Kelso: Lovely. No.
Janitor: Aw. Rudy? Did you tear an actual tooth outta your head? We were all fakin' it, man! What are you- Okay, don't worry. You know what? I got a jar of monkey teeth in my workbench...
Janitor: Dr. Kelso, as spokesman for the support staff of this hospital, I have a request.
Dr. Kelso: I do not want to hear any more about a college scholarship fund. Stop filling your children's heads with nonsense! Pull them out of high school and teach them a trade like plumbing or undertaking!
Janitor: None of us here even have kids, except for Margo, and she sold hers.
Dr. Kelso: Where the hell did you all come from?
Janitor: Sneak attack. You can put your shoes on again, guys. Nice work.
Dr. Cox: Look... I'm figurin' if those lumps down at the coffee shop can have one, I can, too. Listen to me. You may like Turner right now, but he is a doctor, and doctors make terrible patients - sooner or later, they all try to treat themselves.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, a quick word-
Dr. Cox: Bobbo! No time! Gotta go tell Mr. Clancy that his tumor is benign. Is that not exciting? Should be worth a finski - whatta ya think?
Dr. Cox: Blondie! He is private practice. Those guys are cocky jackasses who don't give two shakes about anybody else's opinion but their own. They're... they're me, with one addendum: They're whores. And I'm not talking about the good kind of whores like my ex-wife. They're whores for money.
Elliot: Is that a tip jar?
Todd: I heard suckling!
Ted: She's so beautiful. Can I hold her?
Carla: That's up to Turk. He's kinda paranoid about people dropping her.
Turk: Yeah, you got decent hands. Go ahead.
J.D.: I get her first because we're best friends. Elliot. Ted, give it!
Elliot: Ooh, I'm next... What?
Turk: You drop everything.
Elliot: When do I- (She drops her coffee)... Besides now.
Kim: Dr. Lemke! You're gonna love this. We're a husband and wife piano playing team, only I have no hands!... With my head!
J.D.: How great is that!
Dr. Lemke: This is my wife, Sally. She lost her thumbs last month when our pet Komodo dragon, Morty, got out of his cage.
J.D.: On the bright side, you have beautiful nubs.
J.D.: Eww. How about a second of that dynamite ape impression... I'm sorry, Cindy, once he's in monkey mode, you can't stop him. But who would want to, right? Cheers!
J.D.'s Narration: It was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could sex my pregnant girlfriend into a coma.
Kim: I got offered a new job.
J.D.: Cool! Is it over at County? 'Cause that way I can drop you off every morning.
Kim: It's in Tacoma, Washington.
J.D.: Oh. That's gonna be a little rough on my scooter.
J.D.: You're gonna be just fine.
Turk: I suppose so.
J.D.: ...Totally fine.
J.D.: Would you mind telling me that I'm gonna be fine, Turk? Am I gonna be fine? I think I'm gonna be fine!
Turk: Well, I would, but I don't know how much you like Kim.
J.D.: I really like her.
Turk: Then you're gonna be fine.
Turk: I look at Isabella, and I get really scared. And I'm gonna need you to be there to help me through this.
J.D.: Well that sucks, 'cause I was counting on you to make it look easy so I know I can handle it when my turn comes.
Dr. Cox: (To Dr. Turner) Easy, buddy. That smell burning your nostrils isn't just the baby throw-up on her jacket...
Elliot: Oh, uh, I got to hold Isabella. She squirted out of my arms, but Carla caught her.
Dr. Cox: ...it's the smell of a doctor with integrity.
Dr. Turner: Also, you'll never have to answer to this guy again.
Dr. Turner: You know, Reid, you had the cojones to stand up to me, unlike Kershnar, whom I've so demoralized he's basically my trained chimp. (Waves at Kershnar and Kershnar mimicks him) Hmm... he's almost human... anyway, I've got enough yes-men. You've got a spine. Join my practice. You can still work out of this hospital, the only difference is you'd make double the money.
J.D.: Why are you being so weird lately? You won't loan me money for cotton candy, you're charging strangers for medical advice, and now you're worried about your hand? Who are you?
Everybody: ...and what did you do with Turk?
J.D.: Great work, everybody! Thank you! I asked them to help me out for emphasis... seriously, what's going on?
Janitor: Nice braces.
Janitor: You're not worried about, uh, spider monkeys?
Jason: Spider monkeys?
Janitor: Spider monkeys see intricate metal work as a display of dominance. It's a threat to them, they'd tear your eyes out.
Elliot: Great. Now, I believe that surgery on your abdominal aortic aneurysm's going to be too aggressive. I'd like to start you on twenty-five grams of Lopressor.
Dr. Turner: Don't you mean twenty-five milli-grams?
Elliot: There! See? You're already trying to treat yourself! That was a test.
Dr. Turner: But twenty-five grams would kill me.
Elliot: I know. But i-i-it's still a test.
J.D.: Man, we got smoked. That's what we get for playing a bunch of Gs from the 'hood.
Turk: Those guys are Indian.
J.D.: So "Rajesh" isn't one of those cool black homey names like "Anforny"?
Turk: No, "Rajesh" is like "Steve" in India.
Elliot: You look like someone I used to date. I had a brief older guy jones, but now I'm with someone more age-appropriate. And I'm like, Eww, what was I thinking?
Dr. Turner: Mm. We are disgusting.
Elliot: Yeah, but for some reason I was curious. Anywho, uh, we'll just run the usual tests.
Elliot: Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...
Everyone: ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Turk: Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
Elliot: You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...
Everyone: ...who are you? And what have you done with Turk?
Elliot: (High-pitched shrieking) STOP FINISHING MY AWESOME JOKES!
Dr. Cox: A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah...no! Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it, that the coffee itself gets cancer.
J.D.: Hey, Kim! Just checkin' to see if your socks are back on, since I knocked 'em off last night! Helloooooo! What am I doing? You're the mother of my child. That is so tacky.
Turk: And so is this: Way to hit that, player!
(Turk and J.D. high-five)
Jason: Oh, I love this job...I screw up, nobody gets hurt. Except Cindy... I scalded her pretty bad with some steamed milk... you could see the bone.
Dr. Cox: A coffee place in a hospital? What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue? Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as the freezers are already down there, plus it'll be a perfect place for kids! One of our famous vanilla malteds definitely takes the sting out of having to identify the freshly charred remains of your father!
J.D.'s narration: Carla discovered that her baby wasn't the only one who loved breast feeding.
Carla: Ohhh, are you hungry, sweetie?
Todd: I could eat.
Dr. Cox: (To Elliot) When it comes to torturing you, everybody's on the same page.
Elliot: Dr. Turner seems like a nice guy. And he's hot, you know? Like if you left Brad Pitt out in the sun forever...stop it, Elliot! It took you months to get over that old man fetish!
Janitor: The two most addictive substances on earth are caffeine and nicotine... Behold... Smoke-accino!
Turk: I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina till she turns 18.
Kim: That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Turk: Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious!
J.D.: It may have already come up.
Doug: (Stealing from a dead guy) Twenty bucks, score! Cool shirt...
Carla: (To Isabella) Oh, my breasts are so sore. I wish I could just give you formula.
Todd: (Whispering) Formula's bad for the baby. Boob milk's healthier.
Elliot: Dr. Turner said that I am a very talented young physician.
Dr. Cox: Jordan said I'm the only man she ever wants to have sex with.
Dr. Cox: Aren't we sharing fantastic lies we choose to believe for personal reasons?
Talking Muffin Puppet: Hey, just take me. What are they gonna do? Put you in jail? You're Bob Kelso! Just grab me and run! Do it.
J.D.: Turk, I need you and I need you now.
Carla: Isabella, this is the man you'll be competing with for your father's love.
Original International Air Dates:
Denmark: January 24, 2007 on TV3
Lewis Black's Starbucks Joke:
When the two 'Coffee Bucks' are seen right next to each other, it is very similar to a Lewis Black joke called: The End Of The Universe.
In this joke he makes fun of how Starbucks have been popping up right next to each other. And that there is a street, where there are actually two Starbucks facing each other. And if you stand in the very middle of them, and you look at your watch, time literally STOPS! This is the 'end of the world' as we know it.
When a second coffee shop is opened nearby later that episode and Ted exclaims "Oh man! Now I'm last in both lines!" it illustrates how Starbucks shops have mushroomed everywhere. The same joke was used in Shrek 2...
The coffee shop "Coffee Bucks" that Dr. Kelso opened up at the hospital is an obvious allusion to the well known, popular American coffee shop "Starbucks".
User Score: 4485
User Score: 2562
User Score: 518
User Score: 290
User Score: 239
User Score: 237
User Score: 154
User Score: 149
User Score: 144
User Score: 130
User Score: 129
User Score: 129
User Score: 122
User Score: 120
User Score: 115
User Score: 115
User Score: 114
User Score: 111
User Score: 90
User Score: 76