Scrubs Season 1 Episode 9

Turk: So Elliot's exam was that bad, eh?
J.D.: Dude, she violated me.
Turk: In a good way?

Turk: This girl's pretty hot, so try not to blow it, okay?
J.D.: Why do you say that?
Turk: Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store. You never close.

J.D.'s Narration: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol… just like Thanksgiving at home.

J.D.: No seriously man, I want you to know if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside you.

Mr Davis: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you!
Mr Davis: And that whole kiss hello thing.
Elliot: Ugh!
Mr Davis: Ew.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex and even then I don't want them to overdo it.

Dr. Kelso: See Dave at Sacred Heart we don't treat symptoms, we treat people.
Dr. Benson: Hey, there's something on your back.
Dr. Kelso: What does this one say?
Dr. Benson: "Never stop kicking me" and on the other side is my discharge form. Uh, Bob you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died?
Dr. Kelso: Well- How very clever.
Dr. Cox: What? It wasn't me. In fact, I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.

Dr. Benson: I'll be out of your hair soon enough.
Dr. Kelso: Just a sec, Skipper, you'll stay here until you decide you're ready to leave. For God's sake, you were the chief of medicine here for over ten years. Am I right?
Dr. Cox: That was just exactly what I said this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah it sounded familiar.

Dr. Cox: Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons Carla. He's a pod person.

Elliot: Great. Carla, everyone likes you so much it makes me wonder-
Carla: Why all your patients think you're a cold fish?
Elliot: Oh my God you noticed?
Carla: No, honey, they told me.
Elliot: Great, anyone needs me I'll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.

Dr. Cox: You know, you're not supposed to scare me like that sir?
Dr. Benson: Oh, it was just a prank. Admittedly I took it too far.

Patient: Dude what are you doing?
Mr Davis: Too frank right? I know, that's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs. She is fat though… and boring.

Elliot: Hey we've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?
Mr Davis: I'd say so.
Elliot: And as a doctor you found me comforting?
Mr Davis: God no.
Elliot: Come on, I'm pretty good with people.
Mr Davis: You're horrible with people.
Elliot: I'm warm.
Mr Davis: You're very cold, I mean your hands it's like you're a yeti.
Elliot: I have bad circulation. I- I do this all day and it doesn't help.
Mr Davis: Listen sweety, you're a very efficient competent doctor but your exams - do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion-
Mr Davis: Oh no, it's not an opinion. You see those guys right there they're just pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them anymore.

Dr. Kelso: Which most likely indicates what Dr. Reid?
Elliot: I'd say he has a simple case of appendicitis.
Dr. Kelso: And how would you proceed Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Well, for starters, I would've given me that news in private no matter how angry I was at me.
Dr. Kelso: Sounds like there's some fascinating back story here, turf him to surgery. Moving on.

Dr. Kelso: So I've been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest X Ray was normal, his vitals are stable. So let's discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well now hold the phone there Skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean give me a break, he was only the chief of medicine for ten years!
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say who gives a crap? Actually that wasn't half bad.

Elliot: I heard you're telling everyone I violated you.
J.D.: Not everyone, just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents.
Elliot: Was there something wrong with my exam?
J.D.'s Narration: So there it is, the classic trap. Two choices, either wuss out or tell the truth.
J.D.: Well, you're kinda rough, yeah you're rough. And you're a little business like. Oh, and you're cold.
Elliot: Mm hm, you mean my hands?
J.D.: Yeah, those too. I just think you know you could be more comforting.
J.D.'s Narration: I could tell she appreciated how hard it was for me to say that.
Elliot: Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe not.

J.D.: He seemed nice.
Dr. Cox: Careful newbie.
J.D.: You know I'm hearing it now, it is kind of annoying when I talk.

Elliot: Shortness of breath, dizziness, problems urinating?
J.D.: No, no, is it a problem if it whistles?
Elliot: Oh, you're making this so much easier! Are you sexually active?
J.D.: Oh it's active.
Elliot: I'll write, rare dry spell in the margin.

Dr. Benson: Still have that great rapport with the nurses huh?
Dr. Cox: Actually Carla totally gets me. That's why I've been systematically trying to driver her away.
Dr. Benson: You ever see that therapist I recommended?
Dr. Cox: Not yet, no.

Carla: So did you talk to any girls last night?
Turk: Baby, I'm an attractive man, we both know this. It's just a burden you'll have to live with.
Carla: One of many.

J.D.: Don't worry about it man! I feel good tonight, you know what I'm saying? Except for this stabbing pain in my side.

J.D.'s Narration: Hey wait a second he's dating Carla. This is not good.
Turk: First of all, I already told her I got a girlfriend. Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear!

Turk: So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like.

Turk: I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.
J.D. Did you stitch your initials in to me?!
Turk: That's not important.

Dr. Cox: Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don't do that annoying thing.
J.D.: What annoying thing?
Dr. Cox: You know when you talk.
J.D.: Come on that's a little-
Dr. Cox: See there it is. How does that not drive you crazy?

J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
Elliot: I've seen underwear before.
J.D.: Actually I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.

J.D.'s narration: I know two things about bars, one they're always packed the week of Thanksgiving and two put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr. Smooth.
Jennifer: I was laughing so hard milk was coming out of my nose.
J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an I.V. and blood shot over everyone! Er uh a little got on my nose. Every damn day saving those children!
Turk: Who wants Margaritas? Dude, less blood more fruity drinks.

Turk: To me, you'll always be that geeky kid with the Pat Benatar t-shirt on.
J.D.: Dude, she rocks.

J.D.: You're wrong.
Turk: You're so wrong.
Dr. Cox: (Singing as the clock chimes) Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...you're wrong...you're wrong...you're wrong...

Turk: Dude! I'm about to bust a mad slizz-ice in your insides!

Turk: You're like school in July.
J.D.: What do you mean, like school in July?
Turk: No class.

J.D.: You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?

Carla: You better watch it Bambi. You don't want a hundred pound white girl mad at you. You'll flinch everytime you hear a Range Rover.
J.D.: I can't believe I have to spend all of Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
Carla: Not really.
J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
Carla: You mean Chicago?
J.D.: You have a Chicago?

Dr. Cox: Huh. I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show.
Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most, is it that I saved his life, that he likes me as a person, I bet its how he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter, hard to get down?

Janitor: You know people die here.
J.D. You're a good friend.
Janitor: Eh, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?