Season 3 Episode 9

My Dirty Secret

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Dec 11, 2003 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • Featured Music:
      "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman" by Bryan Adams
      "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart
      "Do It Again" by Stroke 9
      "Timing's Off" by Tart
      "Moving" by Tart

    • Barry Bostwick's Character has a prostate problem in this episode. Bostwick actually underwent prostate surgery in 1997.

    • Carla claims that the delivery man is wearing shorts but as he leaves you can see he is wearing pants.

  • Quotes

    • Elliot: (After giving a woman an orgasm during a pelvic exam) Let's go, Sean.
      J.D.: Shouldn't you buy her breakfast, first?

    • Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you a hundred percent.
      Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.
      Turk: I'll get the condoms.

    • Elliot: You have a... penis. And I... have a vagina!
      Sean: That is so hot.

    • J.D.: Listen sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.
      Randolph: I'm not scared.
      J.D.: Then what is it?
      Randolph: I don't know if you've noticed, but Catherine and I don't always communicate that well.
      Turk: No, I can't-
      J.D.: You're joshing!
      Randolph: No, it's true. But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love-
      Turk: Wow.
      J.D.: Oh, God.

    • Randolph: What's he doing here? You know I don't like these people... Surgeons. Not African-Americans.
      Turk: Oh!... We're actually saying "black" now, sir.
      Randolph: I was right, Catherine!

    • J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, "Carla from the block" thing she does when she's mad - when she's like "Oh, Bambi, you do not want to mess me with right now."
      Doug: You do sound like that.
      Carla: Careful Doug, we are not that close yet.
      J.D.: "Careful, Doug."
      Elliot: That's what's up. Mm-mm. Mmm.
      J.D.: "Doug, you better be careful, 'cause I'm Carla."

    • Carla: But he's not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
      Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you're a know-it-all smartypants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're probably not talking.
      Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
      Laverne: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.

    • Elliot: Mr. Greenberg needs 2.4 milliunits of penicillin IM.
      Carla: Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin?
      Elliot: Carla, you're right, okay? That stuff makes me uncomfortable, and there was a time when that would've sent me into a shame spiral, but now I'm just gonna get over it at my own pace. And until then, I honestly don't mind that you're making fun of me, but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
      Carla: People can make fun of me.
      Elliot: Come on! What about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.

    • Turk: This is a hospital, why are you playing that song?
      Janitor: Ohh! You mean "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" - Jermaine Stewart's classic anthem to platonic love. No reason.
      Turk: Whatever it is you're trying to do, it's not working.
      Janitor: 'Course not, not with you. You're, uh... what'd you say? Untouchable. Well, anyway, back to work. New friend!

    • Randolph: End of discussion! I'm not having the surgery. Although I don't mind that they've shaved me already. Proportionately, everything seems much... grander.

    • J.D.: What do you mean you changed your mind about surgery?
      Randolph: Catherine downloaded some information on alternative treatments - diet, exercise, seed implants...
      J.D.: No, sir, those are, at best, a stall. Now I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis-
      Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the guttertalk! Catherine, hallway.

    • Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
      J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I-I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I'm out, okay? It's 3 a.m. and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.

    • Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.
      Dr. Cox: Man, that's tough.
      J.D.: If you're not gonna use my bed, can I use it?
      Dr. Cox: No you may not, on account of this whole Jordan situation being your fault.
      J.D.: You told her that spending the day with the baby isn't really a job and that it's turned her into an inflexible shrew!

    • Dr. Cox: Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific, thank you for that. Now I need a place to crash. Where's Naomi's bedroom? Good night, roomies.
      J.D.: We gotta get that lock fixed.
      Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla's panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.

    • Elliot: She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed. But she never fired him. Even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco...

    • Doug: Hey, Dr. Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
      Dr. Kelso: Really? Mr. Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
      Doug: Darn it!

    • Carla: So, here's your surprise: You know we'll be getting married in six months... And I just thought it would be so... hot...
      Turk: Yeah?
      Carla: ...if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night. Can you imagine how great that night will be?
      Turk: Awww-So great! Um, how about this, though: How about... you stop having sex, but I keep having sex?
      Carla: You mean like an affair?
      Turk: No! I'll just have sex with you when you're sleeping.
      Carla: Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic?
      Turk: Maybe you got me confused with that little Amish boy you used to date.

    • J.D.: Well, that's easy! Just tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel.
      Dr. Cox: Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real?
      J.D.: First of all, no one understands relationships like Billy Joel, okay? "Uptown Girl" got me through high school - long story for another day. Secondly, you don't want to end up like the Randolphs back there, just not saying a word to each other, do you?... You wish we were more like the Randolphs, don't you?
      Dr. Cox: God save me, I do. I reeeeally do!

    • J.D.: Uh, you know sir, I know that it's cancer, but I'm not really worried.
      Randolph: Excuse me, am I confusing cancer with some other disease?
      Dr. Cox: No you're not. I think what Captain Bedside here is trying to say is that it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes yet, so it's still quite easily operable.
      J.D.: Yes, and there's an opening in surgery tonight, I managed to jam you in. Look, I know this is happening awfully fast, you must have a lot of emotions swirling around, but I want you to know if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
      Randolph: Do you know what channel that Queer Guy show is on?
      Dr. Cox: It's okay, tell him.
      J.D.: Bravo, Tuesdays at 10, 9 central, 8 Mountain.

    • Dr. Cox: The, uh, the biopsy's back and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.
      Randolph: Rats! Excuse my language, dear. You know what, Catherine, I can see this conversation being riddled with that kind of talk. Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.

    • Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
      Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators* but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
      Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
      Elliot: His peepers.
      Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
      Elliot: His schwing-schwong.

    • Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr. Eronson here.
      Doug: He's got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.
      Dr. Kelso: Wrong. He's dead. Another one bites the dust, huh, sport?

    • Turk: Dude, I'm not scared of you. Life's too good. I'm untouchable.
      Janitor: That's what I hoped you'd say.

    • Janitor: You're stupid!
      J.D.: See, now you're just embarrassing yourself. Pick someone else to annoy!
      Janitor: I don't pick 'em. They pick me!

    • Carla: This guy's sick.
      J.D.: Thanks.

    • Carla: I can't believe you would veto the French Riviera for our honeymoon because of the nude beaches.
      Turk: Baby, the whole point of marriage is that I'm the only one who gets to see your candies and whatnot.

    • Dr. Cox: Uh, Mr. Randolph, your PSA number's gone up quite a bit since your last blood test. Now, this could be from the prostatitis, we won't know for sure until your biopsy results come back later on this afternoon. But I feel pretty certain that we're gonna find something.
      Randolph: Oh for God's sake Catherine, stop making a scene! I'm sorry doctors, but she gets a little emotional.
      Dr. Cox: Are you two WASPs?
      Randolph: Episcopalian. Why?

    • J.D.: So, uh, you and Jordan... huh? You wanna talk about it?
      Dr. Cox: I do, but not here, because I'll probably just (fake crying) oh... cry... and it's too late! Here I swore I wouldn't do this. Come on, Perry, get it together. Get it together. Get it to-you stop it! You stop it! You stop it! You stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Huuuuah! Come on, you idiot.

    • J.D.: Heeey! How are the new happy parents?
      Jordan: Oh, I'm living my dream. Have a great day today. Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
      Dr. Cox: You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

    • Jordan: Thanks again for holding the door for me back there.
      Dr. Cox: In my defense, I didn't know you were behind me because I didn't hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Around here we all make fun of each other. Except for Carla. No one makes fun of Carla.
      Lloyd: Got a gross of bedpans here, and where should I pick up my medal?
      Carla: For what?
      Lloyd: For reading your chicken-scratch handwriting. Who is with me?
      Carla: Listen, I run back and forth for 18 hours a day between patients who might die and patients who will die, and if I find time to write an order for bedpans, I write it fast. So you will forgive me if I don't feel like being judged by some guy in his thirties who still wears shorts to work! Now, go ahead and say the only three words I want to hear coming out of your mouth.
      Lloyd: S-sign here, please?

    • J.D.: Elliot, don't be embarrassed. You're not the first person to give a patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam. No one cares.
      Elliot: Please, I'm sure the two of you haven't stopped obsessing about it since the second it happened.
      Turk: Woman, we're professionals. Isn't that right, Dr. Dorian? Dude!
      J.D.: Oh, I'm sorry. What-what's up? What's happening with the other thing?

    • Carla: You're lying already! I love that!
      Sean: Well, it wasn't even a dolphin that bit me.
      Carla: What was it?
      Sean: Black whale.
      Turk: You rang?
      J.D.: Yes! I knew you'd end up liking it!

    • Elliot: J.D., Sean's gonna let me swim with the dolphins this weekend.
      J.D.: Oh really, that's great, I hope they don't maul you.
      Sean: Relax Elliot, dolphins love people.
      Elliot: H-how'd you get that giant scar on your leg again?
      Sean: Oh, parachute pants. Yeah, it got caught in the zipper.
      Elliot: Right.

    • Laverne: Thanks for the Sea-World tickets, Sean.
      Sean: So, you have family in town or something?
      Laverne: Hell no, I'm going to sell these.
      Sean: Oh... okay.

    • J.D.: You know what? I think you're out of ways to bother me.
      Janitor: No, you're wrong.
      J.D.: Think of a way to annoy me right now. That's what I thought.

    • Janitor: Hey, idiot... I said "idiot" and you looked.
      J.D.: I looked because you did the "hey idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.
      Janitor: Did you look then?
      J.D.: Yeah.
      Janitor: Heh.

    • Dr. Cox: Look at that, a message from Jordan.
      J.D: How is it going?
      Dr. Cox: Just great.
      (Dr. Cox throws his pager down the hall)
      Guy down the hall: Hey, watch it!
      J.D: Dr. Cox, we have know each other for over two years. Let me in okay... Help me, help you, help me, help you, help me, help you...
      Dr. Cox: Stop it!
      J.D :Help me, help you.
      Dr. Cox: Fine, Newbie! Let me-let me tell you a little story. It starts every day at 5 in the morning - which is just about the time that you're setting your hair for work - when I am awakened by a sound: Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? Nooo! That's my son. He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm actually considering hiring a stable boy. But, I go ahead and dig in; because I do love the lad and, well gosh, you know me, I'm a giver. And I'm off to the hospital, where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown-car full of sick people. But, what the hey, my pay is about the same as guys who break rocks with other rocks and I only have to work three or four hundred hours a week, so, so far I'm a pretty happy camper! And then I head back home where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well... nothing! Nothing! Nothing! I-i-in fact it used to smell like nothing at all. And all I want to do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is, you know, maybe lay on the couch and have a beer and watch some SportsCenter and, if I'm not too sweaty from the day's labours, stick my hand right down my pants, buuut apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight". So, uh, there you are, superstar. Fix that.

    • (Turk throws a piece of paper that lands by the Janitor's feet)
      Janitor: You know, loose debris can get sucked up into the air conditioning vents. And when that happens, I have to spend the entire day crawling around inside the wall, and I don't like that. You know why? 'Cause there's not enough air. I've hallucinated. I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid. So here's the thing: You don't throw around loose trash, and I won't have to waste an entire workday granting the wishes of imaginary fisherman.

    • Elliot: She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
      Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
      Turk: (walking in on their conversation) This just isn't fair. Not fair at all! Ridiculous!
      Elliot: This is stupid!
      Carla: Elliot, I'm just trying to help!
      Elliot: You know what Carla, I really don't remember asking for your help, okay?
      Carla: It does look a little sad. They always do.

    • Turk: Dude, I'm dying here.
      J.D.: Turk, it's been like eighteen hours since you had sex.
      Turk: I'm saying, this is torture!
      J.D.: So why don't you just, like, "take care of yo'self"?
      Turk: Man, you know I don't do that.
      J.D.: You don't?
      Turk: Nah, I've only done that like twice in my life.
      J.D.: Same here.
      J.D.'s Narration: If by "in my life" you mean "since I came home."

    • J.D.: Elliot come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like that!
      Elliot: Oh, I'm sure you haven't.
      Turk: See, it's funny because you've never really satisfied a woman!
      J.D.: Well, you might want to double-check with YOUR MOM!

    • J.D.'s Narration: Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities. You could encounter a disease you've never seen before. Make a life-saving diagnosis. Or try out the best new nickname ever.
      J.D.: Good morning, Black Whale.
      Turk: No.
      J.D.: No to "black" or no to "whale"?
      Turk: Just no.

    • Dr. Kelso: Doctor Reid, your patient Mrs. Burke has developed a urinary infection. Apparently it hurts when she makes wizzywinkles through her seabiscuit.

    • Dr. Kelso: You are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like penis, or vagina, or anal!
      Elliot: Anal is not a dirty word sir.
      Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.

  • Notes

    • Original International Airdates:
      Czech Republic: March 19, 2013 on Prima COOL

    • When Carla tells Turk she wants to have sex, He says "I'll get the condoms". This makes no sence since in earlier episodes this season she says she's on the pill.

    • The Region 2 DVD release of Season Three puts this episode out of the original order (IE Sean is suddenly back again for no reason), but doesn't have the alterations to J.D.'s narration, making it a little confusing.

    • Towards the end of the episode, when Dr. Cox and Jordan are arguing in the hospital, Dr. Cox turns to J.D., and it can be seen that his T-shirt reads, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am", a line later used by J.D. in the episode "My Lips Are Sealed" in Season 4.
      This line is originally from the season two episode of M*A*S*H called "Hot Lips and Empty Arms".

    • This episode was originally intended to be aired as the third episode of the season on October 16. NBC changed their scheduling as to not compete new episodes of Friends and Scrubs against the 2003 Yankees/Marlins World Series on Fox. Rather than airing this episode the following week, NBC moved on to episode #304 ("My White Whale") and bumped "My Dirty Secret" to December 11. Minor changes to J.D.'s inner monologue were made to fit update the episode in this season's story line. Near the beginning, for example, J.D.'s comment that "Elliot's boyfriend is back for the weekend while mine is away," was originally just, "Ah, Elliot and her marine biologist boyfriend are at it again. But you know what? It honestly doesn't bother me."

    • Barry Bostwick is the 4th cast member of Spin City to appear on the show.

    • In the UK and some other countries, the episode was broadcast as the 3rd episode of Season 3 without the changes to JD's monologue.

  • Allusions

    • Another One Bites the Dust:
      Dr. Kelso mentions the song "Another One Bites The Dust" by the rock band Queen.

    • J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, we've known each other for over two years, just let me in, okay? Help me help you, help me help you, help me help you.
      The "Help me help you" line is from Jerry Maguire.