Scrubs Season 2 Episode 22

J.D.'s Narration: Really, all you can hope for is just an occasional thank-you.
J.D.: I'm so glad the medication worked on your foot.
Mr. Graff: So I'm supposed to be happy because someone finally did something right?
J.D.'s Narration: You're welcome.

Spence: Well, I'm sorry you guys can't make the wedding.
J.D.: Yeah, well, give the guys a big kiss for us.
Turk Don't forget to tell 'em that the ferret only eats fresh vegetables.
Spence: I'm gonna miss you guys... Heh heh, I'll see you later.

Dr. Cox: Why are you doing this?
Jordan: I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry. Because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now! One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other person's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-size pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller! Well guess what? Things are different now - we have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise that you're coming home with me.
Dr. Cox: You go home. I'll meet you there later.
Jordan: Bring dinner.

Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid! Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam!
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia, and you know that, Dr... Oslek.

J.D.: Typical Spence. You just blow into town and get us in a bunch of trouble.
Spence: What, I made you guys go out tonight? Hey, I have a venture capital presentation Thursday. Ask me if I want to go out drinking Wednesday night.
J.D. and Turk: You wanna go-
Spence: Sorry, sorry, I can't. I have a presentation. You see, the truth is you guys have been complaining about work since the second I got here, just dying for an excuse to blow it off. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when really you're just pissed 'cause you hate your jobs.

Elliot: Oh. Dr. Kelso's been torturing me lately, and I really thought that I could handle it. I mean, after all, I've come a long way... you know. For instance, I used to be afraid of you, and now I can talk to you about anything - like how your hair has been looking particularly springy lately. And not like the season, but more like the inside of a mattress. You know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: I don't have any clue what you mean!

Elliot: Dr. Cox! I'm so glad you're here!
Dr. Cox: Oh, from one hell to another.

Jordan: When do we eat?
Dr. Cox: Look, Jordan, could you just give me ten seconds to myself here?
Jordan: Mmmm, no.
Dr. Cox: You know, you are being very immature! And, oh, my God! Is that guy on fire?

J.D.'s Narration: After what happened, I was in no mood to be messed with.
Janitor: Hey, Foodstamps! Little anonymous donation from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.
J.D.: You know what? At least what I do matters! Okay? You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning, and the smart money says you'll be cleaning it again tomorrow. So why don't I just come by then, and you can tell me how what you do day after day makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world.
Janitor: Too mean!

J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
Jordan: Great speech. You guys are in trouble!

J.D.'s Narration: Part of being a doctor is learning to deal with the unexpected. Whether it's someone who won't take "no" for an answer...
Jordan: Yeah, I've decided not to accept the whole being dumped thing. I'm just gonna hang around until you forgive me.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or being shaken to your very core... Of course, sometimes it's just having to work in wet grundies.

Spence: Nothing like drinking cold beers in a jacuzzi, am I right, Ed?
Ed: Hell, some days I just sit out here for hours on end, downing cold one after cold one.
J.D.: What do you do when you have to pee?
Ed: So you boys are doctors, huh?

Dr. Cox: I just can't believe you didn't tell me.
Jordan: And, while we're coming completely clean, Perry, I'm not actually the girl they're singing about in "My Sharona" - her name's Sharona.

Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir - the whole "keep us scared" thing. Grrrrrr! Heh! I am okay with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. See, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed, and while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack! I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself - really ask yourself - if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll a re-suture that wound.
Ted: Wanna get a beer later?

Dr. Kelso: Those sutures look awful! Don't you think, Ted?
Ted: I don't know, sir. Yes, no... I'm barely here.

Spence: Hey! You could get Shmitty and Dan a wedding gift. Dan wants a ferret.
J.D.: Oh! Ferrets are nice!
Turk: They're mean.

Turk: Hey, so I saved up, like, five hundred bucks? Where would you put that if you were me?
Spence: I dunno, a wallet? A money-clip?

Janitor: By the way, uh: 987-65-4320
J.D.: That's my social security number!
Janitor: No... that's your PIN number.
J.D.: No, my PIN number is 3674.
Janitor: Bingo!

J.D.: Mornin'.
Janitor: I make more than you do!
J.D.: Uh, what?
Janitor: I saw your paycheck, and I've been dying to tell you - I make more than you do. Quite a bit more.
J.D.: You couldn't have seen my paycheck.
Janitor: Right. 'Cause there's no way I could access the personnel files. Just impossible!

Jordan: Okay, I didn't tell you that the kid was yours and you're upset - I get it! But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this. Is there something else that's bothering you?
Dr. Cox: It's mostly just the kid thing.
Jordan: I told you, I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.

Carla: Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary anymore, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you... throw a needle in his face.

Carla: No you didn't!
Elliot: I did! And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd: I've got next! Wassaaaap!... No one? Self five! For the big dog!

Dr. Kelso: Dr., uh, uh...Young Asian Fellow, bed seven needs a central line. And Dr. Murphy and Dr. Eager Beaver, step forward.
J.D.'s Narration: This is it. Last man standing.
Dr. Kelso: What are the four differential diagnoses of the persistent ST elevation on any EKG? Dorian!
J.D.: E-eschemia.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy!
Doug: Aneurysm.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian!
J.D.: Pericarditis.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy!
Doug: Pass!
J.D.'s Narration: Aw, Doug... At least you're going to a more chocolatey place.

J.D.'s Narration: Every year at this time, Kelso picks a resident to ride mercilessly until they crumble. The key is to jump on any easy question and impress him early.
Dr. Kelso: All right. Shall we get started?
J.D.: Yes!
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
J.D.: "Should we get started?" Answer: yes.
Dr. Kelso: Wow.

Carla: Bambi. Rounds!
J.D.: Oh, dammit!
Spence: RUN, JOHNNY! RUN! Just trying to add a little drama.
Carla: I felt it!

Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never.

Spence: Do you at least have any interesting patients?
Turk: Well, there's Mr. Weinberg, who has dementia but still enjoys his wronking.
Spence: What's wronking?
Mr. Weinberg: WRONK!
Spence: Interesting.

J.D.: What I've got you on is D5 half normal saline with 20 KCL at a hundred CCs an hour.
Turk: This is the Cadillac of all hangover cures.
Spence: It feels warm in my tummy!

Spence: Man, that was a long time ago! I mean, now you two are engaged, and I'm in town 'cause our frat brothers Shmitty and Dan are getting married...
Carla: A double wedding?
Spence: Mmm...
J.D.: No.
Turk: Mm-mm.
Carla: Ohhhhhh... Good for the boys!

J.D.: Spence, here, got me through a lot of hard times.
Flashback
Spence: Why don't you just mousse the crap out of it - straight up!
J.D.: Yes!
End Flashback
J.D.: My life changed that day.

Spence: Jill Anderson.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yes.
J.D.: No.
Turk: Monica Meyer.
Spence: Yeah.
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room-
Turk: Leslie Stevens!
J.D.: YES! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around! What a whore!
Carla: Who else? Who else did you bang?!
J.D.: Carla... college wasn't all sex and coats.

J.D.: Uh, look, Mr. Graff, because it's diabetes-related, the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain-killers. But, I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication before we even consider amputation.
Mr. Graff: Oh, good. 'Cause I have an audition for "Stomp!" tomorrow. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?

J.D.'s Narration: As for us, it's the end of our second year, and somehow each day had begun to feel the same. You see, after a while, your residency boils down to just a few things... Paperwork...
The three prescriptions every patient gets...
Elliot: Give Miss Allan Acetaminophen for her headache, Restoril so she'll sleep, and Colace so she'll poop.
J.D.'s Narration: Paperwork... Mind-numbing monotony... And, of course, paperwork.

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, do you by any chance know what time your 9:30 shift starts?
Carla: 9:30?

Elliot:(To Ted) Do you know how hard it is to have Dr. Kelso just degrade and insult you all day?
Ted:(Points at himself)
Elliot: Oh! Yeah...that's right! Sorry.

Spence: Him?
J.D: Yes!
Spence: What about him?
J.D: Look it's probably easier if I just tell you whose butt I haven't had my fingers up.
Spence: Now those are the perks you don't hear about.

Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, because I'm quite confident that I'm gonna be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on! You're gonna be a very scary fath-I mean a great... you're gonna be a great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it? And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean like eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
Dr. Cox: I said I think you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!

Dr. Cox: Nice call on the anti-seizure medication, there, Newbie. You know I'm actually starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.
J.D.: Ohhh! How cool was that!
Mr. Graff: Shut up.
J.D.: You shut up. You're an angry man!

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it!
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor?
J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something... the reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
Janitor: That was disgusting.

Spence: What are you talking about? I'm the one who introduced Shmitty and Dan! Okay, I didn't really introduce them, but I'm the one who accidentally saw them under the foosball table. Aw, Shmitty...

J.D.: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a janitor make more money than you?
Spence: Johnny.... Investment Banker. So, no.

Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds to me like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some people's mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What!?
Elliot: Uh, stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking...

Dr. Cox: Hey Betty, hey Wilma. What the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I, do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh we, we ahh had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash. You can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.

Dr. Cox: Good morning angels. What'd you have? One-too-many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Doctor Cox and...
Jordan: Don't bother, don't care.
Spencer: Oh oh yeah, right he's the scary man you told me about last night. Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Cox: For what, jackass?
Spencer: You just had a baby.
J.D.: No, no, no, she just had a baby.
Spencer: Yeah but you said it was his. And you said something else...
Turk: That he didn't know it yet.

Carla: How is that law degree working out for you Ted?
Ted: I was going to be a Senator.

Dr. Kelso: (to Carla) I haven't browsed the latest nursing contract, but I'm guessing it doesn't say show up when you damn-well please.
Dr. Cox: Well hey, Bob here's an idea, what's say you stop showing up all together. We'll just replace you with a giant time clock. Oh and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso coo-coo bird pop out and say "I've never satisfied a woman, I've never satisfied a woman, I've never satisfied a woman."

(Dr. Cox runs into room to escape Jordan)
Elliot: Doctor Cox! I'm so glad you're here!
Dr. Cox: From one hell to another.