No results found.
No results found.
No results found.
Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
This is the only episode where the cafeteria windows are not frosted.
As Dr. Kelso drives by and grabs Ted's lunch at the beginning, he yells, "Thanks Ted!" but in the closed caption it says, "See ya later, sucker!"
While it appears that Dr. Cox was performing the Heimlich maneuver improperly (squeezing the guy's chest) he was actually performing a variant of the Heimlich maneuver: the chest thrust. Used primarily on pregnant women, the chest thrust is less dangerous than the traditional J-thrust because it lessens the risk of injury to internal organs and is just as effective.
Dr. Kelso: (to Doug, after he takes his scooter away) No offense son, but I can't have a delusional bozo like you driving that around the halls.
J.D.: As I gangsta leaned down the hallway in the rad new wheels I found near the dumpster, I couldn't help but realize how ego affects everything.
(J.D. crashes the scooter into a cart of medical supplies)
Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
Doug is on the floor of the morgue, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: I don't know how it happened again, but it did!
Dr. Cox: I cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. It's the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon, it's the reason that she is borderline attracted to you, and it's the reason she so desperately wants to marry you.
J.D.: Page me when you're headed home!
Todd: You did great work.
Turk: Hey, you know, it's not about me.
Dr. Cox comes up and puppets Turk's hand in the five.
Todd: Assisted five! I'll take it!
Jake: Elliot, but I'm an adult. I want this to be an adult relationship. If you wanna be patient and not have sex right away, then that's fine. 'Cause I think we have a chance for something great, too.
Elliot: I want you so bad right now.
J.D.: Guess I should get goin'...
Mr. Hoffner: So, uh, are you a good surgeon?
Turk: I'm capable.
Mr. Hoffner: "Capable." I'm not sure I want-I want the surgery.
Elliot: I'm giving up on men!
Carla: Just call him!
Elliot: You can't make me!
J.D.: Well, unfortunately for you, I happen to know that the guy you're dating is always under speed dial number one.
Phone: Constipation hotline?
J.D.: Two is your current boyfriend!
Janitor: And it's no good to hide it from me, 'cause I got keys to everything. Except the third floor mental ward. Someone stole that one.
Dr. Kelso: Was he smoking a gavel?
Janitor: Seemed to be.
Elliot: Thanks for giving me a ride to work. I hope you didn't mind J.D. tagging along.
Jake: Mm-mm. Maybe next time we'll let you sit up front.
J.D.: Well, maybe next time she'll yell "shotgun" a little faster!
Turk: I'm not like that, am I?
Carla: Actually, Turk, you are slightly Coxish. Yeah! I mean, the way you do that stupid victory dance every time you win the slightest argument?
Turk: No I don't!
Carla: Maybe not. Heh. You know, Turk, you were right! Next year is not a leap year!
Suddenly Turk's on top of the desk, doing his stupid victory dance, complete with SynDrum sound effect.
Dr. Cox: Wouldn't have mattered, Jordan. You know why? Because I am always right. It's something my... my old pal, Gandhi here, knows a little something about, because, you see, we are both egotistical peas in a giant narcissistic pod. And, to prove my point, I'm gonna go ahead and make a... unnecessarily showy but undeniably impressive exit. Rope time, Gandhi.
Dr. Cox: And it's just the way I called it! Grampa Goatee to win, Pee-Pants to place, and Wrong-Way Wally not to finish!
Carla: He does have glaucoma.
Jordan: Well, I should have been told that!
Jake: Wow, this Body Heat's a sexy movie, huh?
J.D.: Mmm. Doesn't Kathleen Turner have dynamite nerps?
Janitor: I know we haven't care of that whole asbestos thing from the '90s, and I know some toilets flush upward...
Dr. Kelso: Get to the point. My battery power's running low.
Janitor: The one thing that I'm proud of is that these floors are so clean you could eat off of 'em.
Dr. Kelso: Why is that?
Janitor's Mom: If you're going to throw food on the floor, you can just eat there from now on.
Janitor: Soup night was the worst.
Elliot: I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.
J.D.: It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation, just do something that's a complete turn-off.
Carla: You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.
Turk: Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because, unlike you-unlike you, I got in medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, now that's just a load of crap.
Dr. Cox: Mark my words: eventually you will tell people what'cha did.
Turk: Yeah, we'll see.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we'll see.
Turk: Yeah, we will see.
Dr. Cox: We will so see.
Turk: You wanna call it?
Dr. Cox: That's a pretty good idea.
Turk: See you later.
Dr. Cox: I can't clear his airway. Call 9-1-1! Let's go!
Turk: He'll be brain-dead by the time they get here-
Dr. Cox: Come on!
Turk: I'm gonna do an emergency trach. Lemme get a knife!... A clean knife!
Elliot: Sex is disgusting!
Carla: I know, sweetie.
Dr. Cox: And, last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr. Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't even need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!
Turk: Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?
Dr. Cox: Not until people start chanting my name so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Capisce?
Jake: Hey, did you think she was locking the door 'cause you're black?
Black Guy: No. I just thought she was locking the door.
Jake: Thanks, man... Better?
Elliot: Coolio! Let's go get some ice cream!
J.D.: Come on, Mr. Gilmore.
Turk: Come on, Colonel Mustard!... HA! Pay up.
Mr. Gilmore: Can I get some Jell-O, please?
J.D.: Jell-O is for winners.
Mr. Gilmore: What?
J.D.: I'm just kidding. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.
J.D.'s Narration: No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them except try to protect their dignity. And, of course, bet on them.
Turk: I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank.
Elliot: I don't think that we were going too quick at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!
Todd: I know it sounds corny, but we really made a big difference in that person's life in there. I hope she digs her new cans.
Janitor: You paged me in the middle of a busy day! This better be important!
Dr. Kelso: What were you doing?
Janitor: Sleeping in a mop closet.
Elliot: Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?
Jake: Well, you...you could have just told me that.
Elliot: Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!
Jake: Elliot, please, look, everybody has their stuff. 'Kay, like me. I'm an emotional person, but I've always had trouble expressing it. Well, here, tell me... tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me, uh, tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, Buster's coming home.
Jake: Cool... See, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, I know what you're doing in there. You think that if you act like Dr. Sad Sack that the patient's gonna opt out of surgery and I'll have to spend yet another week with a man who has such an unnatural attachment to his gallbladder that, left to his own devices, he would rent a motel room and have sex with it. Now come on, I need you to sling that "I'm gonna get freaky-deeky with my chizzle and-and slizzle up the dizzle for my...bee-aye...yitch" stuff that, you know, you do so well.
Elliot: Listen, Jake... Look, it's not that I am never going to have sex with you! I'm going to! And, believe me, when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming, you're gonna be happy you waited!
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speakerphone.
Hoffner: Why do I have to have my gallbladder taken out?
Dr. Cox: Because, Mr. Hoffner, you have gallstones.
Hoffner: Why do I have gallstones?
Dr. Cox: Did you possibly eat a large gall-boulder and then fall on your stomach?
Hoffner: Do I need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we've been going over for three straight days.
Dr. Kelso: That's not yours! That's my car thing! You just painted it!
Janitor: I did not!
Dr. Kelso: You've got green paint on your face!
Janitor: I do n- Well, that's not paint, that's...pudding.
Carla: Elliot, you can't keep taking J.D. everywhere you go. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to trust yourself.
Elliot: No, I won't, Carla. This system is working. Trust me, heh, I will not be having sex with Jake anytime soon!
Jake: That seems like a...a strange thing to announce to your friends.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. Now, all of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but, uh... beep, beep
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!
Dr. Cox: Carla, I assume tubby hubby here told you all about what happened at the taco stand?
Carla: Please, tell me you didn't try to get free guacamole again by telling them you were married to one of their people.
Elliot: Do you guys have any other ideas?
J.D.: You know what, I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, now that's just a load of crap. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything is to feed the ego. Because that's what we are - ego monsters.
Dr. Cox: Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants - it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.
Turk: Heh! Perry, Perry, Perry. You know what the difference between us is? Well, besides the fact that I can carry a conversation without checking my own reflection every five seconds?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. I-I get lost in my eyes.
Elliot: Look, I have just been thinking about all of my relationships, and every time one has potential, I go too fast and ruin everything. Long story short, Jake's not getting any.
J.D.: Oh, please, you're a half a glass of wine away from nuding up and doing your go-to move.
Turk: Which is?
J.D.: Her on top, eyes closed, yelling, "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"
Turk: What's the sex like?
Elliot: What makes you think that I have slept with him?
Dr. Kelso: For starters, you've known him more than ten minutes.
Elliot: I've never connected with a guy like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know Jake better than I know myself.
Carla: What does he do for a living?
Elliot: I should know that.
Dr. Cox: Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: That's me, daddy.
J.D.: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Cox: And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.
J.D.: In my defense, I was up late watching a 'Designing Women' marathon.
Dr. Cox: All right, everybody! Gather around here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look, I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes but...I have a son now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr. Blake down in Bed 3 came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block. But someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme Carditis. Now, I'm sure some of your are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up in the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This-this is no time to be modest. Come now... Oh! My God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius, I'm a huge brain in a ripped up body, I am Jesus H. Cox...M.D.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!
Dr. Kelso: Heh! If only.
Janitor: Aaaand finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid - it was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.
Doug: It's beautiful. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.
Janitor: A month.
Doug: A what?
Janitor: Yeah, I worked too hard on this - you can take 'em off in a month.
Doug: I'll call my orthopedist.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately for Jake, he still had to pass muster with Turk and me. And nothing is quite as daunting as our "good guy test."
J.D.: Well, I could use a beer.
Jake: I got this round. Be right back.
J.D.: Good guy.
Turk: Great guy!
Elliot: Oh God.
Jake: What is it?
Elliot: I just locked the door when a black guy walked by. Now he's gonna think that I think he's dangerous 'cause he's black; and not just black, but with an actual 'fro and everything - which, trust me, I don't find scary at all. Not like the zigzags and the cornrows and stuff. My life's ruined!
Johnny Kastl, who plays Doug, actually did break both his feet during a skiing accident. On the DVD special features, he says that the writers thought that this was such a "Doug Murphy" thing to do that they wrote it into the script.
J.D.: (to Dr. Cox) In my defense, I was up late watching a "Designing Women" marathon.
"Designing Women" was a TV comedy that aired from 1986 to 1993. It centered around four women working for an interior design firm.
Turk: (referring to the patient he bet on in a race) Come on, Colonel Mustard.
Colonel Mustard is a character you can play as in the board game "Clue." He was also a character in the subsequent movie based on the board game.
Body Heat (1981):
Elliot, Jake and J.D. watch the movie 'Body Heat' and talk about its leading actress Kathleen Turner in Elliot's apartment
User Score: 4485
User Score: 2562
User Score: 518
User Score: 290
User Score: 239
User Score: 237
User Score: 154
User Score: 149
User Score: 144
User Score: 130
User Score: 129
User Score: 129
User Score: 122
User Score: 120
User Score: 115
User Score: 115
User Score: 114
User Score: 111
User Score: 90
User Score: 76