Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Doug Murphy
J.D. acts like he only just realized how the elderly patient broke her hip but general procedure in any hospital requires the doctor to ask how the injury happened. The patient doesn't have to answer if it is personal but falling from a monster truck doesn't seem to fall under that category.
"Episodes (Diphenhydramine)" by Pela
"Someone" by Tammany Hall NYC
Surgical Residents Rankings:
1. Bonnie Chang
2. Todd Quinlan
3. Bill "Figsack" Figarella
4. Christopher Turk
5. Ken Whittingham
6. John Ornelas
7. Mark Stegemann
8. John Inwood
9. Elizabeth Newman
10. Franklyn Guttbutter.
The non-hospital staff on the list are crew members on 'Scrubs'.
When Mr. Summer escaped from his bed, the Janitor was looking at him all the time. The Janitor should therefore know where he went to.
Patient: Sister Blanche. I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Have you, Stanley. I wasn't expecting any.
Patient: I hope you like it. You're hating this aren't you?
Dr. Cox: No, it's not that at all. It's just that I don't believe for a second that you really want me to leave. You gotta feel it. You gotta get involved. What do you-What do you people say, 'let's take it from the top'?
Turk: Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.
J.D.: Oh, that's Nana.
Janitor: You know I made up that whole hawk story?
Carla: Yeah. I know you're not as weird as you want people to think you are.
Dr. Wen: You're a good surgeon. Plus, your bedside manner is really important. There's no one on that list who spends more time with their patients as you do.
Turk: Are you saying I have a job? If you are trying to "Kelly Ripa" me right now... I would freak out.
Ricky: Dr. Reid, I need to meet you in radiology to uh, you know, go over some test results.
Elliot: Yeah, it's over, Ricky.
Jake: Dr. Turk what happened to you?
Turk: I found the latest issue of "Vengeance" in a comic book store a mile and a half away. Here you go. Actually I ran there in... a foam needle suit, but, you don't care.
Turk: Wait. Wait! T-this is the only way that I could suck up to Kelso without the other surgeons knowing about it.
Janitor: There you are! You're not Mr. Sommers.
Turk: No, I'm not.
Dr. Cox: How's that leukemia patient of yours doing?
J.D.: I'm hiding. I don't really want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work for me. I think it would accentuate my spoon chest.
Elliot: Oh my god I treated that girl in the free clinic. She was born without nipples.
J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong with her. She's too perfect.
Elliot: I was kidding J.D., I have never seen her in my life... Kelly Ripa!
Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on.
J.D.: I don't think it's that funny.
Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like right now, I'm looking for something and I know I came to the vending machine... And then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here... And yep, there you are. (He looks down to reveal a body bag propped up against the vending machine) As soon as you take your eyes off 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children. Big, dead children.
J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it.
J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol is going to lose all of her hair in chemo, we decided to shave all of our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?
J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.'s Narration: Uh oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt the casual side switch. (J.D. takes baby steps towards Carla, looking innocent and turns to face Dr. Kelso) And, you're there. Now, angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you!
Carla: J.D., why don't you tell me what's wrong with your patient Mrs. Jones. Without looking at your chart.
J.D.'s Narration: Carla knew that without charts, doctors didn't know much about their patients.
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart. I forgot, what's wrong with you again? Oh, that's right. You have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth... Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goo-che-goo-che.
Turk: Alright Jake, here it is. The latest "Vengeance". I had to travel to five stores to find that.
Jake: This is last month's.
Turk: Look, I'll track down the new one for you later, but right now I've got to make sure I have a job next year.
J.D.'s Narration: It didn't bother me that Dr. Cox had just Kelly Ripa'd me because I knew it would never catch on. No matter how much he wanted it to.
J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is, it's important to go the extra mile with patients. It's like I was telling this girl last night...
(opens his cell phone and shows a picture to Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Why would you tell her that?
J.D.: I didn't, I just wanted to show you who I'm going out with tonight.
J.D.: Personally, me, I believe medicine is about more than treating the disease. You gotta be there for people. Take Mrs. Cohen, when she broke h er hip, I treated that. But she had also left her car double-parked so being an "extra mile" kind of guy, I went and took care of it.
Dr. Cox: Newbie! Snap out of it. There's no time for your daydreaming.
J.D.'s Narration: Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents. But you know what he was best at?
J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn... yeah!
J.D.'s Narration: Being girl bait. Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back. Elliot marks her territory so that the girls knows he's taken. And I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones who come by for a look-see.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I'm a landowner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports.
J.D.'s Narration: Now that Elliot and Keith were serious, she started buying him gifts.
Keith: Oh hoho. I-It's a mouth harp... awesome.
Carla: How was your first stress-free day?
Turk: Horrible. And you?
Carla: Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.
Turk: Not helping with the stress.
Tamara: Do I smell banana conditioner?
J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes.
Dr. Kelso: Larry has Mr. Spot on his lung. Don't you worry, we'll pop that lung out of there, get it off to the dry cleaners and have it back to you a little after 5:00. Ha ha ha. We like to have fun.
Elliot: Carla, the orderly lost my chart for Mr. Tyler in 406. Would we have his dosages in here somewhere?
Carla: You were gonna put him on penicillin but he was allergic so you were gonna put him on a gram of vancomycin.
Elliot: Thank you.
Janitor: You should put some of that crazy nurse memory to use on our missing dude.
Ricky: I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.
Janitor: Buzz off.
Dr. Wen: Christopher. I heard you were sweating the rankings.
Turk: No! I'm married and trying to have a baby. Not having a job would be a big boost for me.
Needle: Excuse me nurse. How about a poke!
Carla: I have a husband! Ok. And he's big and he's black and-
Turk: Baby, Baby! It's me. But I do love that you go to that "big and black" stuff.
Carla: I can't wait to bear the fruit of your loins.
Dr. Cox: What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?
J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.
Dr. Cox: Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, You're not a completely, terribly, horribly incompetent doctor, and while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient, and if it was someone that I knew - an acquaintance - I might be okay with you treating them.
Tamara: If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you.
Carla: Hey you know wha- More armour?
Janitor: No, actually I'm uh, sneaking trays out of the cafeteria... I'm building a shed.
Carla: Kelso's gonna kill me. I can't find Mr. Sommers.
Janitor: Did you look between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall? Ha ha, too easy.
Turk: I mean, how could I be fourth?! I know Bonnie's good and Figsack has mad hands, but somehow I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon.
Todd: Hey, how come you didn't page me about that surgical consult?
Elliot: I did. You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip.
Turk: Ladies and gentlemen... number 2!
Dr. Cox: Are you ready to run the extra mile?
J.D.'s Narration: You can't let him know that you don't want to do this. Meet his gaze... meet it twice as hard...
Nurse: Dr. Dorian we need you. Mr. Bentley's condition is getting worse.
J.D.'s Narration: God bless his herpes!
J.D.: I can't believe you all shaved your heads. How great, even Nana. And you don't look creepy or alien-like at all.
Carla: Ow! What, are you wearing a cup?
Janitor: Well, people try to hit me there more than you think.
Dr. Kelso: So, you've all banded together. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when we would pick the three surgeons who care for the people of this great hospital based solely on merit.
Janitor: I need some advice. Which do you prefer?[holds up two neck ties]
Carla: What's the occasion?
Janitor: Me, wiping up gunk. I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack... I assumed I could have it. I find the Armani is very effective on urine, where as the Yves Saint Laurent is...
Turk: We have to all band together and agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso. From now on we'll only be judged by our skills and our abilities. Who's with me? That's right. That's right! From here on out, no more getting him coffee. No more washing his car... No more taking his son to local steam baths to meet men.
Todd: Well hey, you guys got him coffee.
Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon, I would get all three of those damn spots.
Elliot: It's the same on the medical side, I swear. The only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date to his brother's wedding.
Turk: Ricky Morgan?
Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
Dr. Kelso: Attention surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year. The annual blood drive is upon us, and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick... We'll probably change the name.
J.D.: Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5,280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile!
J.D.: Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad. We started a phone tree, to find everyone. Now, there were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.
Carla: You're worried about what I can handle? Vascular surgery wants an update every two hours on bed one. I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' Dopamine from 10mgs to 5. Mrs. Myerson's abdominal wound is dehiscing, and Mr. Wilder's about to be turfed to psych because he thinks he's Flo from Alice.
Wilder: Kiss my grits!
Carla: Exactly, Flo. Exactly.
J.D.: Carla, can you cover my patients?
Dr. Kelso: She's already watching someone for me.
J.D.: Alright, I'll find somebody else.
Carla: Why, because I'm just a nurse I can't look after everybody?
Dr. Kelso: Precisely.
Carla: Sir, quick question?
Dr. Kelso: Make it very quick. I'm about to vomit.
Carla: Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient coming in?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Sommers is the cousin of one of the trustees. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me, but connected enough that if one of these ding-dongs kills him it'll be my ass.
Dr. Kelso: All day sucker my ass. Try twenty minutes.
Dr. Cox: You know, in four and a half years, I've watched your pal Stephanie go through a multitude of irritating fads: the Ugg boots, the campaign for better grammar among the staff, and of course the double European air kiss. And seeing as how you two are sorority sisters, I was kind of hoping you'd be able to tell me when this extra mile crap is likely to end.
Turk: Oh, It's never going to end. He's relentless. Why do you think I was out Sunday morning buying comic books for my patient?
Dr. Cox: They were giving away free tasty-cakes at the comic book store? E-HA!... That used to work better when you were a fat load.
Turk: I know.
Dr. Cox: Damnit!
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. There's a reason I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's uh, something personal.
J.D.: You can confide in me.
Dr. Cox: I'm a good doctor.
J.D.: Sometimes you've got to go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Cox: That and your amazing ability to switch back and forth, seamlessly, between male and female genitalia.
J.D.: Why don't you just read lines with the old guy?
Dr. Cox: My job is to make sick people better. Not to help Bernie in there score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night.
Dr. Cox: Ok, the uh, antibiotics have brought your fever down. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Patient: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Street Car Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I'd be happy to.
Patient: If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
Dr. Cox: I can't believe you think... I would do this with you... Seriously, I'm a doctor.
Patient: What page are you on?
Carla: I swear. If you don't knock me up tonight...no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
Turk: Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.
Dr. Cox: Get a load of Mr Extra Mile Guy's leukaemia patient, sitting in there all by herself. Knowing him, he's probably out getting her a cake, shaped like a cancerous white blood cell.
Marston: How often do you make love?
Turk: Twice today.
Carla: Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.
Turk: Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
Janitor: Well the good news is his head isn't in the storage room. 'Cause I once found a head in the storage room. Funny story actually; I put it in my locker 'cause I didn't have time to go to lost and found, went on a long week and forgot all about it. Come back to work on monday, open my locker, WAH, head. Plus, rats. I panicked 'cause I didn't know what to do, so I grabbed the thing and ran up to the roof, and I punt it, and I shank it wide left like I always do. Now, it's heading straight down right for Kelso sitting in his convertable. I'm done. I'm out of a job right? Wrong! At that second a hawk flies in, grabs the thing, and flies off with it. And I know what you're thinking; we're in the middle of a city. What's a hawk doing there?
Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.
Throughout the episode, J.D.'s colleagues "Kelly Ripa" him. They use her name as a sort of zinger/conversation ender.
Kelly Ripa is an actress and, as of 2007, a talk show host (alongside Regis Philbin). Before her current stint as talk show host, Ripa was a regular on the soap "All My Children", where she won three Soap Opera Digest Awards.
Carla says that Mr. Wilder's about to be sent to psychiatry because he thinks he's Flo from Alice. Alice was a spin off from the movie Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, and the character Flo, whose catchphrase was "Kiss my grits", went on to have her own eponymous spin-off called "Flo" on CBS. Flo was played by Polly Holliday.
A Streetcar Named Desire:
Dr. Cox's patient is rehearsing lines for 'A Streetcar Named Desire', the Tennessee Williams play set in New Orleans. From the lines he is running, it would seem he is auditioning to play the male lead, Stanley Kowalski.
Cirque du Soleil:
Turk says that his sex dreams about Carla can get 'Cirque du Soleil' freaky, in reference to the surreal French circus.
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