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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Doug Murphy
"Closer to Spring" by Bang
In the scene where the old lady's brother approaches J.D. and Jake and tells them that he's going to sue and walks away - if you watch closely in the background, you'll see him turn around and enter the scene again.
In the scene where J.D. reveals to Turk that Turk's been hitting him, there is one angle on Turk where he's wearing his badge, and another where he is not. Also, once Turk stops and realizes what he's been doing you can see his closed fist on one shot, the next shot (brown Hulk) he has his hand open, palm pointing sideways, and then closed fist back on the next shot.
Lady: I can't believe that six young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire!
J.D.: And don't you forget who put that tire on and tightened those lugnuts, Martha! Okay, sweetie, have fun at the swap-meet! Drive safe.
J.D.'s Narration: Yep. It sure feels good to do the right thing.
J.D.: Righty loosey, lefty tighty.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, "righty tighty! lefty loosey!" Ohhhh, man. It still feels good.
Dr. Cox: That's a cute couple. I give 'em a week.
Dr. Cox: Well, he's definitely leaving for good this time, there, Barbie. I'd, uh, I say go for it.
Elliot: Why won't you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know... Maybe because the NHL is on strike and I'm not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or, maybe because for the first time in four years I'd actually like to see you happy for a change. You believe whatever you want, I don't really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down on you, and if I were you, I'd step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues, and... invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.
Elliot: Hey, um... can I buy you a cup of coffee before you escape?
Jake: What, now?
Elliot: I me-I mean "go"?
Turk: I've got something I'd like to share today.
Turk: Yeah. I don't like it when Carla pinches my nipples when we're having sex. Baby, that's-that's one of the reasons why I cry - because you pinch them too hard, and it hurts.
Dennis: Well, look who's back.
Jake: Look, buddy, I, uh, I barely know your sister, and I certainly don't know you, but like it or not, she told me what she wanted and I'm gonna honor that. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and stay here 'til I can figure out a way to make you understand that, even if I have to get myself a lawyer.
(Ted leans in with a post-it.)
Jake: Not you.
J.D.'s Narration: Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire. But around here, every time you round a corner, well...
(A couple are talking to a doctor, the woman's face bruised and swollen.)
Husband: She fell again.
J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, I think you should leave him alone. If you do, I think it would be dy-no-mite! Sorry, I was just watching 'Good Times' in the doctors' lounge.
Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.
Elliot: Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?
Jake: Oh, heh, I've had better days. How are you?
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Barbacious, you gotta stay the course here. You gotta keep ignoring him.
Elliot: But I am already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?
Dr. Cox: Aha. Piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.
Jake: Elliot? I said, How are you?
Elliot: I actually don't have time for this, okay? I'm a doctor!
Jake: But you asked me how I was.
Elliot: Yeah, trying to save lives here. It's not always about you!
J.D.: Are you responsible for breaking up Turner and Hooch?
Turk: I need an excuse to get out of couples counseling. Dude, I can't open up, man, I just can't do it. Besides, this way no one gets hurt.
Dr. Turner: We had a hell of a run, man.
Hooch: Just get outta here.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. (Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs) You look ridiculous.
Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
J.D.: Enough with the mustaches, dude!
Jake: Just admit it - you're just here from the future to destroy me.
J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake! Gesundheit, Carol!
J.D.: Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?
Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.(reads post-it): "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."
Turk: So check this out: Our therapist says I'm the type of guy who pretends everything's okay even when I'm upset deep down inside.
J.D.: Well, I think that's true. I mean, if you look at the whole Carla kissing thing, I think intellectually you moved on, but emotionally you're still upset. You'll get there, though, pal.
Turk: I'm not upset!
J.D.: Really? Oh, okay. I'll see you later. Bye.
(Turk socks him in the arm.)
J.D.: Ow! You see!
Turk: See what?
J.D.: Let's try it again. I'll see you later, buddy. Bye!
(Turk socks him again.)
J.D.: OW! Always the same spot! It's like your fingers are stone!
Jake: Hey, Elliot.
Jake: So that girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
J.D.'s Narration: Even though I had created a super medical crime-fighting team, I felt lousy. See, I had just told Betty that her lungs had finally given out and she wasn't gonna leave the hospital this time.
Betty: So... what are my choices?
J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlikely you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure you're as comfortable as possible.
J.D.'s Narration: "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.
Dr. Turner: But Hooch, if the patient just has simple cellulitis, why aren't the antibiotics working?
Hooch: Dammit, Turner! It just doesn't make sense!
Therapist: Chris. What's going on with you?
Turk: Nothing worth talking about.
Therapist: This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real about how you're feeling.
Turk: That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.
Therapist: I think you pretend that everything's okay even though, deep down inside, a lot of things are bothering you. So, come on, tell me what you're thinking right now.
Turk: I'm staring at that picture above your head. Yeah, now, is that one of those psychological ink-blot tests where I try and figure out what it is? Because if so, I'm seeing a duck.
(There's a large photo of a duck)
Carla: Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense, I could be a little condescending.
Therapist: Actually, I've noticed that.
Carla: Have you really noticed it, "Mr. Therapist"?
Elliot: Ow! Some people just cannot take a good "your mom's dead" joke, you know?
Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.
Jake: Hi. I need some help. My neighbor fainted and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.
Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny, you've got a phone call.
Jenny: Uh, I'll call them back.
Elliot: Your mom died.
Elliot: Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. Got you, Jenny! Dead mom jokes - always funny. Heh.
Elliot: She just got engaged. Bad comb-over and all!
Carla: When Clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries.
Elliot: Too mean!
J.D.'s Narration: Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says goodbye.
Turk: Okay, I'll see you around.
(He socks J.D. in the arm hard)
J.D.: Agh!... Peace, homey!
J.D.'s Narration: As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy, and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.
Therapist: Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that?
Turk: No, not really.
Dr. Cox: Barbie. Go get him! I... believe in you?
Elliot: Nnnno, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me! Just like the time you told me the hospital fund-raiser was a costume party! I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas...
Dr. Cox: I was in a costume, too.
Elliot: You wore an Armani tux.
Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How'd you not get that?
J.D.: Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand - which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles east of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
J.D.: Can you believe this guy?
Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!
J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny - I just said it happened.
Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...
Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you...
Jake: Bag of rats? Those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle, that way all the live ones get a good look at him, they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: OHHHH! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is "a giant ego"! I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that!
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here! I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether!
Dr. Cox: And on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and halleluia!
Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done, and I was a cutter for a week in high school - my shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that is a whole other story. The point is your advice really worked with Jake, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this, uh, prescription. You'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D., but what I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kayak paddle, and go Greg Barton on your ass.
J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?
Jake: He's a famous kayaker.
J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton!
Jake: I hate you, J.D.
J.D.: I know.
J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!
J.D.: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, he wouldn't've been able to do it if it weren't for his secret weapon...
J.D.: Dr. John Dorian.
Jake: You just said your name in a weird kinda summing-up way.
J.D.: No I didn't, Jake.
Dennis: Ah, so you're Jake! Uh, as I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life. Long story short: I'm a lawyer, I'm suing you. Once again: Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!
J.D.: See, that's summing up in a weird way.
Turk: I've been hitting you.
J.D.: Yeah, you're like the brown Hulk.
Elliot's Narration: Oh my God, here he comes. Okay, this is easy, just compliment him - tell him he has a square head. That's not a compliment! What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle! Circle head! Oh my God, you're stuck on shapes and Square-Head's almost here!
Janitor: Elliot. My neighbor fainted too! Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing - I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor. I thought we were done with this?
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Ugh. Just...put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall!
J.D.: Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!
Jake: No, it's more like fourteen hours.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.
J.D.: Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.
Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.
J.D.: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.
J.D.: She just wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jake: Yeah? About what?
J.D.: Just about how and when she should die.
Jake: Oh, that's not a problem. I counsel most of my random neighbors on their deathbeds.
Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!
Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?
Dr. Cox: Hat's off, there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.
Elliot: Hey, Jake. Heh. So, uh, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, huh?
Jake: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a...general mustiness... Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off and...skin mold....
Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?
J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty, you're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.
Betty: Who's that?
J.D.: That's me! Betty, Dr. Dorian. Cocoon. Wilford Brimley. Steve Guttenberg. The whole day. No?
Jake: If everything's all right here, I'm kind of on my way to the airport. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.
Elliot: Cool! So, what are you gonna do there?
Jake: Mostly kayaking.
J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us. And I see you brought a young, handsome buck with ya. What are you, trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal!
Betty: Who are you?
J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. Uh, I'm the one that's taken care of you the last nineteen times you've been in here. She's getting a little forgetful - you know how that happens. Are you a relative?
Jake: Uh, no, neighbor. I only met her once.
Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater!
J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory - that Sunday I spent eight hours helping you join the Wilford Brimley fan club. You don't remember that, do ya.
Todd: Nurse, suction.
Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.
Todd: I know.
Elliot: Uh, do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?
Dr. Cox: Yes...who's Clarissa?
Elliot: She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, then definitely yes.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.
J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at... 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?... Ever mention any hot neighbors?
Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.
J.D.: Oh, Hooch!
Turk: Hooch is crazy!
J.D.: Hey, Hooch!
Hooch: That's my name....don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch!
J.D.: Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid, I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy.
Turk: And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients so Turner can assist you on the procedure.
Hooch: Why you guys going through so much trouble?
Dr. Kelso: Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?
Turk/J.D.: Turner and Hooch!
Dr. Cox: No Carla, men don’t love that. It turns out that we don’t love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so we can relax. And always we’re not that big on Hugh Jackman. The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carfully, ignore the living hell out of him.
Janitor: (Panting) They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!
Dennis: (On phone) Thank you. (Hangs up) I just got my sister into the hospital across town so I can finally get her out of this hell-hole.
Dr. Kelso: Hey! I personally see to it that every inch of this building is up to the highest standards and codes!
(Just then a stream of escaped rats scurry past his feet)
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just bad timing!
(The Janitor chases after with a baseball bat)
Janitor: Come back here! Sorry!
Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.
Todd: I don't know how you do it! Make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
Turk: That's not couples therapy Todd.
Todd: Then what did I do?
Turk: You did amateur porn!
The name "Mildred W." can be seen at the top of the white board. Mildred W. is the grandmother of that episode's writer, David Feinberg.
Originally scheduled to air April 26, 2005.
Jake the Snake:
Dr. Cox: (To Elliot) Here comes Jake the Snake.
Jake "The Snake" Roberts is/was a professional wrestler in WWF/E and TNA.
Turner & Hooch: Dr. Turner is played by Jim Hanks, Tom Hanks' brother. This alludes to the fact that Tom Hanks played Turner in Turner & Hooch.
Turner & Hooch:
Turner & Hooch refers to the 1989 movie starring Tom Hanks. A detective must adopt the dog of a dead man to help him find the murderer.
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