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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Young Dr. Cox
Dr. Todd Quinlan
The people playing tennis behind Dr. Cox and Mr. Corman near the end of the episode are playing without a ball.
In the scene where J.D. is getting Nina's name tattooed on his ankle, you can tell that the tattoo parlor is also the bar that the characters frequent.
"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, 1st Movement" by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
At the start when Carla throws a pancake at J.D, it hits him like a spinning frisbee between the eyes, however in the next shot it is flat on his face.
J.D.: Neena, it's over.
Neena: No it's not. In fact, I find myself oddly turned on by your timid, baby horse standing up for the first time style of humping.
J.D.: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I've tried to be reasonable, now if you wanna see my dark side, you're gonna see my dark side.
(J.D. starts softly tickling Neena)
J.D.: Ah tickle tickle tickle. Ah tickle tickle tickle tickle.
Neena: Yet another strong moment for ya.
J.D.'s Narration: No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they're fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way.
The three women walking down the hall, past the guys who turn into little boys.
Little Cox: Jordan looks mad, I should go.
Little Turk: I have to pick up Carla's dry-cleaning.
Janitor: Well, what do we have here?
Little J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: I heard from a reliable source that you want to live in dumpster. I can arrange that. Yep, I know just the right neighborhood.
Jordan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy. This is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liason into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.
Elliot: Look, I did what I had to do to treat this guy. And as far as me being scared about you telling him that I'm full of crap? Hey Jerkwad! I'm Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: What?!
Dr. Cox: I should have known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Mr. Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something that you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Mr. Corman: I fear I've said too much.
Mr. Corman: Hey. There's no pie here. Oh my God! Oh, you two are going to kill me!
Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.
Mr. Corman: Oh, I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath? Schoolyard threats? Seriously, is there no pie?
Jordan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Elliot: Why are you being nice to me?
Jordan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home. And he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized I would never be strong enough to break Neena's hold over me. I needed help. I needed someone who was even scarier than she was. I needed a real witch.
Jordan is wearing a witch's hat and cackling
Jordan: Someone must have left this here from Halloween.
Janitor: Summers, I think we can save your foot.
Elliot: It's his heart.
Janitor: I know that. We're concerned about your ticker.
He starts cleaning a smudge on the window
Janitor: Ah, yes. Yes yes. Well, your paper script looks good. But, I'm going to have to listen to that heart of yours... Well, I'm afraid I was wrong. We're going to have to take that foot.
Carla: And you! Why do you want everybody in this hospital to be as miserable as you?
Dr. Cox: How could you not get this? What does misery love?
Carla: Alright, look-
J.D.: Company! Misery loves company! Misery loves company...
Carla: Oh God...
Janitor: Hello. I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.
Elliot: Okay, who wants to be me? Craig, you're probably still mad at me. Anyone else?
Todd: Dr. Reid. At your service.
Elliot: Okay, that's a no for Todd.
J.D.'s Narration: Sure, Dr. Cox and I were feeling guilty. But if Turk didn't want to talk about it, we were in the clear.
Carla: May I have a word with you two?
J.D.: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her closer!
Mr. Summers: Enough is enough. I want to meet this Dr. Reid!
Elliot: No problem... Frick!
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you would never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time. Right?
Elliot: Hey! That belongs to Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: So you and Reid...
Elliot: Yes. We're lovers. Red hot lovers.
Mr. Summers: I'm guessing he's married.
Elliot: She doesn't understand him like I do.
Mr. Summers: I love this guy.
Elliot: Not like I do.
Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Elliot: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole!
J.D.: Okay, fine, why don't you just tell me how this ends?
Neena: You won't break up with me, you will betray your friend.
J.D.: What is this, some kind of lawyer mind trick? It's not gonna happen!
Neena: Sit down.
J.D.(Sits down): I won't, I'm leaving.
Neena: You're going to have sex with me.
J.D.(Taking off his shirt): I'll do nothing of the sort.
Neena: And as the ultimate act of betrayal, you will do it on the very same sweat and tear-soaked table where I crushed your friend.
J.D.: Oh, I hate a dirty table.
Neena: You love a dirty table.
J.D.: God help me, I do. I do love a dirty table.
Carla: Now don't you let anything else get into that beautiful head of yours. Okay?
Turk: What could get into this man's head, baby? Huh?
Dr. Cox: Tough day, huh? You wanna talk about it?
Mr. Summers: Now, how about you be a nice little nurse and go find my doctor.
Elliot: Actually sir-
Mr. Summers: His name is Elliot Reid. So, what's the word? This guy any good?
Elliot: Oh, he rocks!
J.D.: Hey Neena.
J.D.'s Narration: God help me, I'm going to miss that smile.
J.D.: I think because of the whole Turk situation we should probably stop seeing each other.
J.D.: You can't just say no. No is the answer to a question. And I clearly wasn't asking a question, Neena. I was making a dramatic statement. And I'm sorry, but that statement was goodbye.
He turns to open the door, but she puts her hand on it. He struggles, but can't open the door
J.D.: You know, one of us is going to tire eventually.
Mr. Corman: Hey, I want you to know that I still think you're a great doctor. And I've been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumsized. It's not a religious thing, it's-it's more for the ladies. What?
Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: Big bag of money...
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!
Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. "Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?"
Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
J.D.: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.
Neena: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
J.D.: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt. (She smacks him on the ass)
Turk: Hit him again baby.
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, they're mad. I'm pretty sure it's because of my new girlfriend. She's amazing. Don't get me wrong, she's not the warmest person.
J.D.: You know, the funniest thing happened-
Neena: I'm eating.
J.D.: Sorry. I'm starvin'. Wish I hadn't left my wallet at home. Mmm, bread.
(He reaches for the bread basket and gets his hand slapped)
J.D.'s Narration: Also, the sex could be a little impersonal.
[J.D. is thrown out of the car, shirtless and with his pants down
J.D.: So that's a no on cuddling?
Carla: (To Mr. Corman) Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Jordan: (To J.D.)Not so fast. You're my bitch now.
J.D.: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans. (Slaps himself in the ass)
Dr. Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because I supposedly "broke his spirit."
(Dr. Cox and Mr. Corman are playing tennis, with Corman about to serve)
Mr. Corman: Ever since the operation I've been serving leftie. So it could be a little unpredictable. (He sends down a massive serve that hits Dr. Cox in the stomach and sends him flying into the fence)
(After Ted faints)
Turk: We should take a short recess.
Neena: Believe me, you're better off.
Dr. Kelso: I agree.
J.D.: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.
Jordan: I'll be fine.
J.D.: I was talking to myself.
Jordan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
J.D.: Jordan? I need you to break up with somebody for me.
Elliot: It's going to be worse than the time my brother Barry caught me reading his Playgirl magazines.
Jordan: Don't you mean Playboy?
Jordan: So you're saying that your brother's -
Jordan: Has he actually told your family that -
Jordan: But everyone's positive that he's -
Jordan: Do you think he and another guy have ever -
Elliot: No more questions.
Dr. Cox: Life is pointless Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200Gs trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.
Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're going to have to take a step down lifestyle-wise.
Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?
Elliot: So how are we feeling Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest. And not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Elliot: Fantastic! I'd like to start by -
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested.
Dr. Kelso: You're diabetic?
Turk: Yes. I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking.
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease. And I don't like you.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Elliot: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident -
Dr. Cox: Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!
Elliot: Jordan. You're on the board, what is the story on my patient Mr. Summers?
Jordan: Well Stick, I'm going to warn you the same way I warn Perry every time I have more than three scotches. Prepare to have your ass grabbed!
Elliot: That's disturbing in like... eight different ways.
Turk: I want you to stop seeing her.
J.D.: Fine. But I'm only ending it because friends come first.
Carla: Plus, you already had sex with her.
J.D.: Four and a half times!
Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I
occasionally have nightmares of you running away together.
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.
J.D.'s Narration: After spreading half a tube of what I thought was burn ointment on my butt, it was off to work.
Elliot: What smells like Vagisil?
Carla: What is the matter with you two? J.D., you said you were going to break up with Neena.
J.D.: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong...
Mother: Hey, excuse me. My son is interested in becoming a doctor, and I thought maybe you could tell him what it's like.
Turk: I'd love to! I would love to! Do you have a dog, Bowl Cut? Well, I want you to find a pile of its best work and roll all around in it. See, that's how it feels to be a doctor. Because here's the dirty little secret. People don't want your help. They want your dignity, they want your pride, but mostly, they want your money. Good luck in med school. Oh! The next time you see a magic show, the bunny was in the hat the whole time. Peace out!
The Fantasy sequence fight between Jordan and Neena is a spoof of Uma Thurman and Lucy Liu's in Kill Bill Vol.1
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