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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
The first "15 second countdown" lasts exactly 15 seconds.
The second "15 second countdown" lasts 27 seconds.
The third "15 second countdown" lasts 15 seconds.
The fourth "15 second countdown" lasts 25 seconds.
In this episode, Dr. Cox actually calls J.D. by his real name when he, J.D., Danni and Jordan are on top of the ferris wheel.
"I've Been Waiting" by Matthew Sweet
"CHiPs Theme Song"
When J.D. and Danni fall out of the tree, they are obviously landing on mats, you can see the edges of the mat lift when they hit.
Turk: (loud and chipper) All right, people, listen up: Dr. Kelso has ruptured both his eardrums. You could say whatever you want to him as long as you got a smile on your face! HOLLA!
Dr. Cox: Bob! You stupid mother--(garbled).
Dr. Kelso: (chuckles) Thanks for the kind words, gang!
J.D.: So say it again.
Danni: No, you have to earn it.
J.D.: I'll try.
They kiss deeply
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, we're watching a movie here.
Dr. Cox: Kill me.
Janitor(over PA): A quick note for all my comatose listeners out there: all your lovers have moved on. But, if it's any consolation, my sources tell me they're happy. Well, snooze, you lose.
Jordan: Sweetie, you can't take this personally. He's a doctor - they don't listen to anyone.
Dr. Cox: Please don't lump us all together with numb-nuts over here.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Danni: Last night I told you I was falling in love with you. And you know what you said?
J.D.: "Thank you"?
Danni: You asked me if I wanted to go get pizza.
J.D.: No... Pineapple pizza.
J.D.: Look, Danni, I know you're upset about your sister and I-
Danni: J.D., if I didn't go out with the guys my sister slept with, I wouldn't have even had a date to the prom.
J.D.: Hey, everybody. This place has dynamite lamb.
J.D.: Wanna hear a great letter?
Jill: Always fun to be in the bathroom listening to people talk so clearly, you're sure they just heard you pee. You did, didn't you.
J.D.: You start and stop a lot.
Dr. Cox: Lovely.
Dr. Cox is reading a letter from J.D.
J.D.: Dear Dr. Cox, I think it's important that you know how much I care for Danni, and how hurt I was by your attempt to sabotage our relationship.
Dr. Cox: Oh, de-de-de-isn't it enough that I'm reading it!?
J.D.: Oh, I'm sorry.
Janitor(over PA): Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.
Turk: The point is, baby, whatever happens with this patient, it's on my shoulders; and it's the same with Elliot and you know that. That's what makes your relationship so complicated. Outside this hospital, yeah, you're the boss of Elliot... and... well, you know... you're the boss of me and... baby, you're the boss of everyone - but in this building, Elliot's in charge.
Carla: Am I really the boss of everybody outside of here?
Turk: Baby, you the boss of everybody in the world.
Carla: Can you believe that Elliot, giving me all that attitude?
Turk: You know, two weeks ago an O.R. nurse with like twenty years experience started telling me I was tying the wrong suture.
Carla: But I bet you listened to her, right?
Turk: Nah, I kicked her ass out the O.R.! Heh!
Carla: But I bet you were nice about it? Right?
Turk: No, I made her cry.
J.D.: Hey, you should know your little cheap shot didn't land, because Danni isn't mad at me at all... Hey, Baby! You comin' to give pop-pop some candy? 'Cause I'm hungry!
Danni ignores him and boards the elevator.
J.D.: Oh-okay, later's fine too.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. I mean, I can-I can feel the love all over!
Dr. Cox: Well, we sent some haz-mat guys over to your apartment, but they said there were no signs of pesticides.
J.D.: They also said you mixed art deco with Indonesian antiques. I think that is so daring!
Dr. Cox: Reel it in, Queer Eye.
Carla: I'm so glad! I didn't want us to stay mad at each other!
Elliot: It's all my fault! I should never have listened to you in the first place. I mean, I need to be a strong enough doctor to just ignore you when you won't shut up.
Carla: That's so sweet.
Janitor(over PA): All available medical personnel, please report to the second floor for a cat fight. Cat fight on the second floor!
Danni: Look, you shoulda told me. But I'm not gonna let things like this mess it up with the guy I'm falling in love with.
J.D.: Oh, thank God! Do you wanna get some pineapple pizza?
J.D.: And, Danni, that whole thing with Jordan... it's so long ago, I don't even remember it.
Danni: J.D., you keep a sex journal of all your experiences under your bed.
J.D.: Gotta stop showing that to new girlfriends!
Dr. Cox: You know, Danni, I think it's amazing that you're actually comfortable dating J.D., what with him having nailed Jordan and all.
Carny: Uh, sorry, folks. A little problem here. Get you down in about an hour or so.
J.D.: I don't feel so good.
Janitor(over PA): Dr. Tushy, you're needed in the OR. Nice name, buddy. Beat up in high school much?
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, how 'bout we head right on over there, and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, I'll let you take a free whack at my dome.
J.D.: First of all, I already raised the hammer; and the only reason I didn't ring the bell is that the game is obviously rigged.
There's a ding at the game
Dad: Good job, son!
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Look, the only positive thing about this whole situation is that it's driving you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it.
Another ding comes from the hammer game
Kid: Way to go, Gina!
J.D.: Oh, come on!
Dr. Cox: Well, you have done it. It's Friday night, and instead of being at home, drinking whiskey through my son's sippy cup, I'm actually at a carnival with you, surrounded by piles of manure even though I've yet to see a single animal!
J.D.: That is weird...
Jordan: So, we're gonna go eat some more disgusting fried food and then look at the fat lady to make ourselves feel better.
Danni: So, we'll meet you guys on the Ferris wheel. Only if your stomach's okay.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, it's only the back-and-forthy rides that get me.
Janitor: Hey, Dr. Kelso. Hey. Dr. Kelso. Uh, I don't know if you heard or not, but Bernice, the lady who does the PA announcements usually, she just got hit by a bus, and, um, I was on the speech team in high school... so, anyway, I was thinking that maybe from now on, I could do the announcements. You know, just until Bernice gets back on her... foot.
Elliot: So, I waxed my legs at home last night.
Carla: Yeah, how did that go?
Elliot: Not great, I can't do it. I'd rather die hairy.
Danni: Jordan just said we should all go to the carnival tonight.
J.D.: The carnival!?... Oh, I can't go to the carnival, Danni. I puke at carnivals... a lot.
Danni: You don't really puke at carnivals, do you.
J.D.: I do. But I still love 'em!
Dr. Cox: Look, I have an even dandier idea: Why don't you crazy kids do something on your own?
J.D.: Ms. Tracy, we found some organophosphates in your system. Have you had any recent exposure to pesticides?
Jill: Pesticides? No, I don't have any pest problems.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, that must be so nice!
J.D.: They're just feelings; they'll heal.
Dr. Cox: Boy, oh boy, that's some rock. When, uh, when's the big day?
Jill: Oh, me? No, no, never - my fiancé dumped me. I'm just noticing how beautiful his mother's ring is. You know, compared to the fake one I sent back to him. Oops!
Ted: Sir, we've got some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight. I contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia.
Dr. Cox: What brings Ms. Tracy to us?
J.D.: Oh, uh, her landlord found her passed out on her floor.
Jill: Yeah, lucky me, I couldn't pay my rent this month.
J.D.'s Narration: A recent study found that doctors spend an average of fifteen seconds listening to a patient. It sounds insensitive, but the truth is it's all the time you need.
Dr. Cox: So, how you feel?
Dr. Cox: Ms. Tracy...
Jill: Headachy, nauseous, and embarrassed that my landlord saw me in my granny panties.
Jill: Hey guys, how are you? I'm great! You know me, I'm up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion nazi on the E! Network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Meheehee.
J.D.: You know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake. Except, watch out - if that block's not totally melted, hits you in the face!
Jill: Oh, that'd go everywhere.
J.D.: Yeah, one time I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.
Dr. Cox: Bottom line: We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face.
Danni: Be brilliant today!
J.D.: I always am.
J.D.'s Narration: Even though Dr. Cox got a front-row look at Little Buddy - ohhh, no! Now I'm saying it! - my day still started off great!
Dr. Cox: I'm about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting.
Jordan: Come on... It reminds me of my sexiest kiss: Our honeymoon, standing waist-deep in the ocean... I think you were in at the bar.
J.D.'s Narration: As I was doing the Naked Chicken Dance that my uncle Bart had taught me, I realized that life couldn't get much better than this.
J.D.: ...doom-doom, dop-dop, doom-
Dr. Cox barges in. J.D. quickly grabs something off the dresser to conceal himself.
Dr. Cox: Okay! Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister doesn't mean that you can use my guest-room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades. And oh, my God, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard!?
J.D. looks down to see that the item he picked up to hide behind is a photo of little Jack.
J.D.: My bad.
He flips the picture around. Now he's got Dr. Cox's face over his naughty bits.
J.D.: It's a beautiful shot of you.
J.D.'s Narration: She's awake. Say something romantic.
J.D.: Do you think this is a good time to start talking about a nickname for my penis? It's just that I-I dated this girl in college who made the decision without consulting me, and then all of a sudden there it was - eighteen straight months of it being called "Little Buddy". And we just didn't like that; not one bit.
Danni: J.D., I haven't even had coffee yet.
J.D.: Ah, you're right, I'm sorry... "Big Al" for example...
Dr. Kelso: (on phone) Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is you ventured into his side of the house... Baring his teeth, huh?... Okay, now here's what you do... Are you ready?... Make a sudden move!
He holds the phone from his ear as vicious snarls and barks mingle with a woman shrieking on the other end
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, those two!
Jordan: This morning I asked you to do me a favor involving my mother. What was it?
Dr. Cox: Well... I can only hope that it had something to do with hiring people to kill her?
Dr. Cox: Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of...well...
Dr. Cox: No. Not that.
Dr. Cox: Yes, that.
Dr. Cox: I...I don't like her to be right.
Dr. Cox: But sometimes in medicine you have to just chalk it up to life's great mysteries, like crop circles or this gal's Adam's apple.
J.D.: I'm a girl, that's original.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the best thing to do, is just to say exactly what's in your heart.
J.D.: I'm sorry I puked on your shoes.
Danni: I'm sorry I wore sandals.
Todd: Dude, my broccoli is hot.
Turk: Please tell me you mean temperature-wise - because there is no way you can find broccoli sexy.
Todd: Oh...yeah...temperature-wise... And mini green boobs-wise! What's up!!
J.D.: You know, I hit my head so hard I actually saw cartoon birds. Then I realized I was in Pediatrics and it was just the wallpaper! Ha!
Dr. Cox: Stunning. Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no...no" but your eyes scream, "Yes. Yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, hhhere's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, "Ohh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
Ted: Are you okay Dr... (Voice fades out to incomprehensible sounds)
Dr. Kelso's Narration: Sweet dancing Jehovah, I've punctured my brain!
Ted: There you are you deaf bastard! I hate you so much everytime you utter my name I want to stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: Who's Ted?
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: March 27, 2013 on Prima COOL
"A fish called Wanda"
When Dr. Cox walks in on J.D. and Danni at the beginning of the episode, J.D. uses Dr. Cox's family photographs to cover his private parts, which is reminiscent of John Cleese's character in "A fish called Wanda" doing the same thing.
J.D.: (to Jill) They also said you mixed art deco with Indonesian antiques. I think that is so daring!
Dr. Cox: Reel it in there, Queer Eye.
This is a reference to the TV show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," a show about five openly gay men making over a straight man. Dr. Cox referring to J.D. as "Queer Eye" is making fun of J.D. complimenting Jill for her decorating skills and, perhaps, calling him gay in the process (which is a different from the usual approach of calling him a woman).
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