Scrubs Season 4 Episode 4

J.D.'s Narration: Mrs. Carter?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? I did, didn't I! And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when when when when when when when when?
J.D.: You know what, I don't appreciate lying.

Mrs. Carter: I don't know how my car ended up in the community pool.
Laverne: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar.

J.D.'s Narration: Killing Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed.

J.D.: She died?
Dr. Cox: Three days ago of endocarditis. You didn't get blood cultures and you missed it. You happy?
J.D.'s Narration: The weird thing was that I was a little happy.
J.D.: Sticky needle please!
Laverne: Here you go, Doctor. Oh, by the way, when this is over, I'm kicking your ass!

Dr. Cox: Hey, Peggy? Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August, and can only assume it's got something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea.

J.D.'s Narration: Besides, I had bigger problems. I had to do Mr. Daniels' procedure. Luckily I'm a professional, and professionals finish the job.
J.D.: This needle is too sticky! I'm out! Get it together, Laverne!

Molly: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
Elliot: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna-
Molly: Eyebrows.
J.D.: "Eyebrows." Like that's gonna make you-
Tears stream down Elliot's face.
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be that insecure.
Elliot: Giant Adam's apple!
J.D.: I have to go.
J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.

Molly: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
Elliot: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
Molly: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay?
Elliot: Said the loser. Who lost.

Carla: Where, where am I gonna find a dead stuffed yellow lab?
Janitor: I can help.
Carla: No, you have work to do.
They both laugh
Janitor: Let's go.

J.D.'s Narration: Bullet dodged! He totally bought it! Hey, where's he taking me?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Daniels. We have rethought things and decided that you should have that procedure.
Mr. Daniels: Okay.
Dr. Cox: I know that took quite a bit of cajoling, but I think I was able to convince him.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock. Edwards, here, is at best just a few minutes away from walking towards the light, so what's say you stop wasting our time and give me your professional opinion.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes friends will surprise you.
Molly: Mr. Phillips' numerous relapses paint the picture of someone who has not overcome his addictions, sooo, no, I don't think he will.
Elliot: Karaoke's so off!

J.D.'s Narration: Still, we all end up leaning on certain clichés when making major decisions. Like, "Don't jump off a bridge if you don't know how deep the water is."
J.D.: This procedure's too risky right now, Mr. Daniels, I think we should wait.
J.D.'s Narration: And, of course, the classic, "No matter how clean the janitor gets your husband's dead dog, you still need to put him in the trunk and not accidentally leave him on the roof when you drive off."... And finally, the lesser-known, "You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side."

Elliot: Anyway, because of the heroin use, surgery doesn't want to give Mr. Phillips a heart valve. So now an ethics committee is gonna decide if he gets the operation or not. And I'm freakin' out, because I've gotta go and argue his case at... Oh my God! Is it already two o'clock!?
Molly: Oh, relax, that's Greenland time. This way I remember to call my mom on her vacation before she goes on the boat.
Elliot: "The boat"?
Molly: Yeah, she's been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman.
Elliot: How fun for her!

Ted: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
Flashback: Janitor's Garage
Janitor: Let's call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I'm not pointing fingers - Troy.
End Flashback
Janitor: There were never any squirrels.

Janitor: Heard you're trying to clean a dead dog.
Carla: Yeah, who told you that?
Janitor: Mmm, the wind... Blonde doctor.

Fantasy
J.D.: Listen, dead people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know... killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor.
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird! But no, dear. You didn't kill any of us.
J.D.: You know what? I left my wallet back on earth.
End Fantasy
J.D.: Haha! Suckers!

Carla: Your sign doesn't say live dog groomer!

Turk: Want some of my pancakes?
J.D.: Ah, devil-cakes! No thank you.

Dr. Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!

Carla: You found Rowdy!?!
Janitor: Nope. Not Rowdy. This is Steven. You know, Rowdy was 48 inches from snout to tail, Steven's only 46...on a good day.
Carla: I think we're okay!
Janitor: I got him off another taxidermy guy on the internet. Had to trade him my, uh, squirrel army.
Carla: Oh, I'm sorry you had to do that; but thank you!
Janitor: Nah. Everyone thinks squirrel armies are so great...I'm not sure it's the healthiest habit in the world.

Molly: Hey! Did somebody page me? I'm sorry I took so long, I was just eating lunch.
Elliot: Oh, of course you were! It's 8:30 in the morning!

Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
Turk: Why?
Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a...strip club!
Turk: Okay.
J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: Can't talk now, good stuff's happenin'!

J.D.'s Narration: I know I bailed on Mr. Daniels, but the whole having not killed thing got in my head. Still, no one will notice.
Dr. Cox: Ah! Kiki Dee! I heard Mr. Daniels isn't getting his periocardiocentesis. Since when?
J.D.'s Narration: Now you're gonna lie here. Don't be too specific!
J.D.: Since 1:42 yesterday afternoon. His wife did not want him to do it. She's beautiful, by the way - one green eye, one blue. She's from Luxembourg. They're both from Luxembourg. I believe they're, uh, Luxem... bourgian.
Dr. Cox: Where in Luxembourg? I-I spent two weeks there.
J.D.'s Narration: What are the odds? Just stay vague.
J.D.: Uh, outside Mertert, near the German border.
Dr. Cox: Ah.
J.D.: They say what they miss most are those lazy summer afternoons on the Moselle River.
J.D.'s Narration: You are channeling that seventh grade book report!

Elliot: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
Dr. Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
Ted: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
Dr. Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
Molly: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I-I think you should ask Ted again.
Ted: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?

J.D.'s Narration: As I was contemplating how easy it would be to make my first fatal mistake, I had a feeling that Mr. Daniels felt good about this procedure.
Mr. Daniels: You know, I feel good about this procedure.
J.D.'s Narration: See?

Dr. Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're that good?
J.D.: Oh my God. I'm gonna kill someone.

J.D.: Do you know that Dr. Cox is trying to convince me that everyone eventually kills a patient? But I haven't! I know you haven't!
Turk: Hell yeah, I have. Remember my first year? Mr. Quinn? I forgot to write the order for his albumin drip and he...hemorrhaged and died. You want your doughnut?
J.D.'s Narration: And it turned out Turk wasn't the only one.
Elliot: Mmm, Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Uh, Mrs. Studebaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Dr. Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day, there was Mr. Kirshnar.
Todd: Jenny Roth, about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: And then later that third day...

Turk: Is he a good candidate for surgery?
Elliot: Definitely. Thirty-five, married, good job, cute little boy, great dog... Can't remember what kind they said - long-time recovering heroin addict - a bulldog! That's what it was! Named Paris - after the city, not the slutty socialite tramp.
Turk: He's a heroin addict?
Elliot: Yeah, but he is, like, super serious about his sobriety. I mean, he's been to rehab like six times.
Turk: Sounds like he needs to dial it up to super-duper serious, huh!

Janitor: I can clean it for you.
Carla: Why would you do that?
Janitor: I don't know.... Still a little drunk from breakfast. Plus, taxidermy used to be kind a...hobby of mine. You know, till the state took my license away.

J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
J.D.: Ooh! Maybe I'll have some flapjacks!
Elaine: They don't have those.
J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven!?! Are flapjacks evil?

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.

Elliot: And any drug use?
Mr. Phillips: Been on and off heroin for the last eight years, but I've been clean for the last six months. See? Look, no track marks.
Kid: Way to go, daddy!
Mr. Phillips: 'S my biggest fan!
Elliot: Heh. Umm... Do you smoke cigarettes?
Mr. Phillips: No way.
Elliot: Of course not. Those things'll kill ya.

Elliot: And, Mr. Phillips, do you exercise?
Mr. Phillips: Yoga every morning.
Elliot: Ugh, I can't do yoga - all that deep breathing. I hate breathing. Except, you know, to live.

Turk: Wow, isn't that a shocker, you don't care about something that's important to me. You know what? Why don't you just throw him out?
J.D.: Don't listen to him! He's drunk on cheese!

Carla: Turk! What is Rowdy doing in my closet?
Turk: He's guarding your shoes, baby!
Carla: He almost gave me a heart attack!
Turk: Baby, could you do me a favor and not hold him by the haunches like that? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.
J.D.: He's a pure-bred - it's genetic.

J.D.: So anyway, after Dr. Cox scared them, no one wanted pizza or punch. Except for Doug, who'd worked up a hearty appetite neglecting Mrs. Samson into a coma.

Elliot: Hey, do you wanna go down to Little Tokyo and do karaoke with me tonight?
Molly: Do people with trichotillomania compulsively pull their hair out?
Elliot: Do they?
Molly: Yeah!
Elliot: Cool. 'Cause inviting you to karaoke is kind of a big deal to me. I'm a little shy about my "-aoke." Heh.
Molly: I'm sure you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Elliot: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty tone-deaf. And I do these, like, kick moves that I don't think people really get. Plus I sometimes wear a cape. Eh! It's probably all in my head.
J.D.'s Narration: It's not.

J.D.'s Narration: Being the new doctor at a hospital can be difficult. That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
Doctor: Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D.: Yeah, Ron, the I Don't Care ward's down there.

Elliot: Well, I guess I was a little more persuasive than I thought. You got the heart valve!
Mr. Phillips: That's amazing! We ought to celebrate. How do you celebrate without heroin?
Elliot: With cake, mostly.
Mr. Phillips: Then let's score some cake!

Elliot: I don't get why Turk was so upset about Rowdy. He's just a creepy, stuffed, stupid, yellow, dead dog. Too many adjectives?
Molly: Well, I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk. I mean he's basically a link to his childhood.
Carla: He bought him eight years ago at a garage sale.
Molly: Oh, well then he's just a nutter-butter.

Elliot: Oh, I don't know, if you were a real friend you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me - any of the stuff that we talked about!
(The Todd runs out of the shower)
Todd: Did I just hear...?
Elliot and Molly: (together) Todd!

Molly: I tell you what: I'll go with you for moral support. And, you know, if things get dicey 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts, then we could make out - and they'll give you whatever you want.
(The Todd runs in)
Todd: What? I thought I heard something.
Elliot: Goodbye, Todd.
Todd: Back to the transplant.

Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?
J.D.: Not just someone -- Dr. deMan.
Mr. Daniels: Who is Dr. deMan?
J.D.: Say it...say it without the 'Dr.'
Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. deMan?
J.D.: No, just say the...the last name.
Mr. Daniels: Who's deMan?
J.D.: I'm deMan!

J.D.: So Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever is just a reaction to the anestetic we gave you during your catarct surgury. I'm sending you home.
Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my Trans-Am?
J.D.: That's not up to me Mrs. Carter, its up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
Mrs. Carter: They were everywhere.
J.D.: You were on a race track Mrs. Carter.

Dr. Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants here.
Doug: Pee-pants...
Dr. Cox: He might just go ahead and get himself a good, clean kill this morning seeings as his patient Ms. Samson is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level, her phosphate level, her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a governmet operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy that you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids, all the best!
J.D.:Thank you, thank you Doctor Cox... Okay you guys, pizza and punch in the penthouse. Doug! Wrong patient, one bed over!