Scrubs

Private Dancer: Look, Elliot. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but none of you guys have any idea what it's like to feel this hopeless in your life. Y'know, other than J.D. (Chorus of agreement) J.D.: Wait, whoa whoa whoa, wait. What's happening?

(After Carla tells a bad joke) Dr. Cox: You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable about just how unfunny that actually was. Carla: So what, I'm not funny? Dr. Cox: Why, I think you're very funny...WHEN you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse. You know, as long as you stay right in your wheel house. And it's no different for any of us. Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck, your husband sells it with a cocky attitude. Turk: Yeah, ya know, I do what I do when I do what I do. Dr. Cox: The janitor is amusing because quite frankly he's insane. Janitor: I made shoes for my rabbit. Dr. Cox: And Alice here, she can turn a phrase. I assume that because I just called you Alice, that you're now fantasizing about me being the maid in the Brady bunch... (Appears as Alice from the Brady Bunch) Am I right? J.D.'s narration: He was. Dr. Cox: Now sadly, some people just aren't funny, BUT...they have funny names. For example: Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor and Snoop Dogg Intern. Snoop Dogg Resident: Hey, hey. Dr. Cox: My bad, Snoop Dog Resident. The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God, which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the hospital sad sack. Ted: I am? Dr. Cox: Yes. Ted: Awwwwww. Dr Cox: And me, well, I'm funny because I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T- (mimes sipping a cup of tea)...T, I also do, uh, funny rants. To tell you the truth, there is only one guy in this entire DUMP who is funny no matter WHAT he says. Dr. Kelso: Holy hell, are my new boxers made of wool? Because my weasel's getting heat stroke! Dr. Cox: The point is, please, don't tell any more jokes. Ted: I'm not a sad sack, am I? Carla: Ted, your pen exploded. Ted: (Looks at shirt) Awwwwwwwww. (Looks at blue hand) Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

J.D.: See, I went with a younger picture because I like the father-son motif...that is taken seconds after I won the watermelon seed spitting contest at my theatre camp...probably my happiest day as a teenager. Dr. Cox: That is both very sad and not the least bit shocking.

Goldfish: Come on buddy, get it together. How you doing. The name's Roger Dorsey. Janitor: Well, that's not real. I'm starting to lose it. Goldfish: How do you know I'm not real? Janitor: Well, for one thing, you're just using my voice only slightly higher. Like this: (Higher voice) How you doing buddy? Goldfish: Oh yeah, well, if I wasn't real, could I hit this note? (Singing) Ahhhhhhh. Janitor: That was lovely.

Janitor: (Holding J.D's fishbowl) Oh no, I have to pee. Come on, fight it man, think about something else, take your mind of it. Here we go, ah, it passed...and that's a big bowl of swishy liquid. Damn it!

Elliot: Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that wasn't an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again, not after the prom fiasco.

J.D.'s narration: After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind. J.D.: Was it because I broke up with you?

Dr. Cox: If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry. J.D.: 'Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome'

Carla: No Turk, I know that face, don't you dare make a foofie. Turk: Baby, I had a big old lunch and now I got the down town push down. Carla: No! Turk: Can I just have a little one? Carla: No. (Turk walks off, Carla begins to laugh) Elliot: Oh my God, you think farts are funny too. Shhh, we can't let them know.

Turk: We're supposed to renew or relations tonight for the first time since Izzy was born. Carla: Well I guess the only thing you're gonna renew tonight is your driver's licence, Hello! J.D.: Wow! Carla: I'm funny damn it.

Brian: (Handing Elliot a photo of her) Hey, ehm, would you sign this? I promise you I'll put that up in the barracks. Elliot: So you want to start with how I still can't walk normally and segue into an anecdote about how you played my toosh like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure pain?

Dr. Kelso: (About his picture) Who wouldn't want this young buck at their bedside? Laverne: That picture's so old the beaches are still segregated.

Carla: (About her postpartum depression) I am so glad I didn't do anything because I got on anti-depressants and now I don't feel that way. Turk: That's right. And my baby being happy is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world. J.D.'s narration: And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.