Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
"Hero" by Enrique Iglesias
"Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" by U2
"Someone" by Tammany Hall NYC
"Empty Room" by Brian Paturalski
"Lone Ranger Theme"
"The Fugitive Score"
"Theme From Shaft" (performed by the cast)
The Todd is supposedly 25% British.
Turk: Hey, baby. Todd and I are going to the arcade, so I'm a get some quarters out your purse.
Carla: I'm old.
J.D.'s Narration: Others eventually accept who they are.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well I'm older. Now would you please get me down to my damn car?
Carla: Sure, let's get your big Irish ass to your car so nobody knows that you hurt your back! Let's not worry about my back!
Doctor: Goodnight, Efrem!
Janitor: Goo-goo-goo-goodnight... doctor.
J.D.: You know why I wanted that to be you in 'The Fugitive'? Because it would mean you used to be a guy who had dreams and ambitions; and even though things didn't work out the way you'd hoped, at least it would explain why you are the way you are and...make you human. But instead, it turns out you're nothing more than a... a jerk who just likes to mess with people for no reason.
Janitor: "Kimball!"... You tell anybody, I'll kill ya!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, I need to get Enid a birthday present.
Elliot: Ahh! When's her birthday?
Dr. Kelso: I think it was last week.
Elliot: Um... well, a scarf is always nice.
Dr. Kelso: That's perfect. It's simple; it's elegant; and it'll hide her turkey neck.
Carla: Look, for what it's worth, instead of marrying a long time ago, I'm marrying a guy who probably won't be ready to have kids for another ten years! That'll make me like thirty...grghrghrgh.
Dr. Cox: More like forty-rghrghrghrgh.
Dr. Cox: I'm not-I'm not fighting anything.
Carla: So, even though you have a full head of hair, you still take Propecia because you like the way it tastes?
Dr. Cox: You know, the other day I found a gray hair in my happy trail.
Carla: Is that the patch of hair that goes from your belly button down to your pe-
Dr. Cox: It is, indeed.
Carla: So? You have a gray happy trail! A lot of women find it distinguished.
J.D.: Can you believe her? She says I beat her to that code because I still have feelings for her. I don't even think about her that way anymore.
Turk: Dude, you can't not think about her that way.
Turk: Okay, think about her right now... (J.D. imagines himself kissing Elliot)
Turk: Now think about her and Sean together... (J.D. imagines himself kissing Elliot again)
Turk: Now think about her and me together... (J.D. imagines himself in a black version kissing Elliot)
Turk: Kissing her all three times, except the third time you were a black guy?
Dr. Cox: Say, Carla... boy, you... you look nice.
Carla: You're pathetic.
Dr. Cox: How's about we skip the insults and you do something helpful like prop me up, or throw on a skirt.
Carla: Turk, the night we got engaged, you said you couldn't wait to have kids.
Turk: How can you hold that against me? You were naked!
Carla: So I should just disregard everything you say when I'm naked?
Turk: You know, that's not actually a bad idea? We can call it The Naked Rule; and it should probably apply retroactively, so, um, you can get yourself to the airport next weekend?
Turk: Gotta love The Naked Rule!
Elliot: Look, J.D., that was my patient; I was one step behind you, and you knew it. You stole my moment.
J.D.: This isn't about moments, it's about saving lives. Elliot, when I put my pants on-
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want to hear anything more about your pants! Look, we both know what this is about - from the second I started dating Sean, you obviously weren't happy. I thought that would change when you met someone, but I guess I've moved on and you're just acting like you have.
J.D.: Uhh, okay. Prepare for a storm-off. Hmph!
Family Member: Dr. Dorian, you can't imagine how grateful we are.
J.D.: Let me ask you something: Who's the cool doc you call when you want to save your husband, Paul? J.D.!... It's from 'Shaft'? Come on, how could you guys not get that?
Family Member: Yeah... That's our 'Citizen Kane'... Anyway, thanks again. You're a real hero.
J.D.: Oh, please, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you guys... Except, after I put my pants on, I save your husband's life! Oh, no he didn't!
Jordan: I've been thinking about what you said this morning. And you're right, we have not been having enough sex lately.
Dr. Cox: Turns out yes, yes we have.
Jordan: No, we haven't. And tonight, we're gonna do it the way you always fantasized about.
Dr. Cox: Laying down in a big tub of ice?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, I don't want to make any promises, but, uh, your cellulitis is resolving nicely, and I think that you'll be out of the woods soon.
Mr. Moran: So tell me something: How did an old geezer like me end up with the prettiest young doctor in the place?
Elliot: It's actually just a simple rotation system based on when your shift started and the last patient that you've seen-
Mr. Moran: Sweetheart, I'm just paying you a compliment.
Elliot: I have to go... Thanks for saying I'm pretty.
J.D.: Yeah! It's just this whole janitor thing has thrown me for a loop.
Carla: Danni, we should watch the movie in Turk's room, because he's gonna keep talking about the janitor, even though we begged him not to.
J.D.: I won't, sweetie, trust me.
Danni: Let's go.
J.D.: You wanna know what the janitor did today?
Carla: Bambi, you idiot.
Carla: Why won't you admit you hurt your back?
Dr. Cox: Carla, come on! Back injuries are for 80-year-old guys named Norman who have pants up to here, nose-hairs down to here, and who start every sentence with the very elegant [snorts and hacks].
J.D.: Why didn't you just tell him you were a doctor?
Elliot: I don't know... I guess I just still don't feel like a doctor, you know? I mean, that whole thing with Turk today really got me thinking. Like, I've ran codes before, but there's always been someone right there ready to bail me out. Like, I've never had that one defining, sink-or-swim moment. Have you?
J.D.: Yeah, but I didn't, like, make a big deal out of it.
Man: I was just made partner at my law firm. I drive a Beemer. And this is my wife.
J.D.: Oh, well, this is Mr. Booker. He's alive because of me.
Mr. Booker: I thought you said there'd be some bitches here?
J.D.: We just got here! Look around!
J.D.: We actually had a fun night... until he urinated all over my rental car.
Guy: So, what do you do?
Elliot: Oh, I work at a hospital. I'm a resident, which is actually still kind of like a student. Well, not a student as in, like, dorm rooms and pizza runs and crazy, drunken kissing parties - which I know for a fact still go on in Radiology - but more of a student in the sense that-
J.D.: Excuse me. Dude, she's got a boyfriend.
Guy: Thanks, man.
J.D.: So, I've been asking around, and apparently you're known as one of three people: Nigel, the Brit; Klaus, the dim-witted German - yes, I said "dim-witted - or a simple, good-natured stutterer named Efrem.
Carla: Are you okay?
Dr. Cox: Come on! I'm simply posing so your boyfriend can get a picture of me for his "People Who Make Me Feel Like a Little Girl" scrapbook.
Dr. Cox: Hey, look, Gandhi, now just because you broke out your little Fisher-Price surgery set and somehow managed to not kill somebody for once, doesn't mean you're queen of the world.
Turk: Oh, are you a big man? What? Yeah. Man, I hope you haven't eaten yet, because I'm about to force-feed you a can of my homemade WHUPASS!
Turk: Dr. Wen! I was scared when you didn't show up, but... your car accident turned out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me!
Dr. Wen: My wife broke both her legs.
Turk: Heh. Still.
J.D.: Maybe it's just Buddha's way of telling her to slow down a little, you know?
Turk: Dude, today I had to sink or swim all on my own; and guess what? A brother swam.
J.D.: That is so fabulous! What is wrong with me today!?
Turk: Uh, where's Dr. Wen? This patient's ready to go.
Staffer: He just called. He got in a car accident, so he can't make it.
Turk: Don't you play with me, intercom lady! I will find you!
Staffer: Relax. Dr. DiStefano is on-call.
Turk: Thank God. We just dodged a bullet because, look, I am nowhere near ready to perform this type of procedure solo. I would have been terrified, you guys would have sensed it, and it would have been a horrible experience for all of us.
Staffer: Dr. DiStefano is stuck in surgery. It's all on you, Dr. Turk.
Turk: Big piece of cake! Who's with me?
Janitor: Whoa, an American high-five! How perfectly vulgar.
Elliot: When I was in high school, I went to Europe for a month and I forgot to take my birth control pills, so I took like thirty the day I got home.
Turk: So, you're currently on the pill, right?
Carla: Yes! Will you please, just drop it!
Turk: Okay. 'Cause, you know, you've gotta take it the same time every day.
Dr. Cox: Why don't we ever have sex?
Jordan: I find it a little hard to feel sexy seeing as I passed a human being out of my body six months ago.
Dr. Cox: Hey, lookit, I had front seats to that bloodbath, and it hasn't affected my sex drive.
Jordan: Oh, no, no, no, no, I got that when you asked the lactation nurse if she needed help getting things started!
Dr. Cox: Right.
Carla: What do you think about getting pregnant right after the wedding?
Turk: See ya!
J.D.: Carla! You can't ask a guy that while he's driving!
Carla: My bad.
J.D.: Yes, it was your bad, Carla.
J.D.'s Narration: Relationships can be defined by how long people have been together.
J.D.: I am so late, I don't even have time to eat.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether you've been together for a few weeks...
Danni: Do you wanna have sex?
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month-old child. I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, Hmm, is he the dad? Is he the grand-dad? Is he the grand-dad's grand-dad? And, oh, my God! Why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year-old little boy is in the mud crying? Is-is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy! And, now look, he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the mini-van, and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches 'Finding Nemo' on DVD.
Jordan: Whoa. I was in a sex coma. How'd you sleep?
Dr. Cox(pained): Great!
Jordan: Ohh, and Perry? I know I asked you to be more sensitive when we do it, but I was just hoping you wouldn't curse as much. I mean, to actually cry during sex, what's that about?
Dr. Cox: I guess I just love you so... much...?
J.D.: Wow, you must be dancing on the wind right now! That sounded straighter in my head...
Carla: But you know what? It's okay. Because I couldn't handle marriage until now. And I knew you when you were younger, and you would have been a horrible dad. Now? We're both ready.
Dr. Cox: Do you... do you think that my son will like me?
Carla: Oh, God, no.
Elliot: I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I got depressed and my dad didn't make me feel better - Actually, he did give me a dollar every time I got depressed. By the end of junior high, I already had a hundred and seventy bucks... And then got mugged and lost it all. But, by the end of that night, of course, I was back up to a dollar.
J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman! What are we doing?
J.D.: Game over, Klaus. I saw you in 'The Fugitive'.
Janitor: Ohhh, yeah, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford movie, but, you know what, I chose this life instead 'cause it's a little more glamorous.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ. There's some vomit on the back steps with your name on it.
Janitor: Well, that's my cue. Action!
J.D.: What is wrong with you? Is this because I called you "Smelliot"? Because I can't believe you haven't heard that before.
Elliot: J.D., I don't care if you call me that.
J.D.: Hey, everybody! She's cool with "Smelliot"!
Todd: Oh, so he can call you "Smelliot" but I'm not allowed to call you "Vagina Face"?
Elliot: Not the same, Todd!
Danni: I love 'The Fugitive'. Who would you rather sleep with, Tommy Lee Jones or Harrison Ford?
J.D.: Harrison Ford, hands down!...But you were probably talking to Carla. I'm having such a gay day!
Dr. Cox: So you're saying your mom made you pancakes this morning, and you didn't even know that it was pancake day in the cafeteria? You get outta here!
Doug: And the craziest thing -
Dr. Cox: No, I'm serious, Nervous Guy. Get outta here!
Todd: You know, Nigel, I'm twenty-five percent British.
Janitor(British accent): Really? I'm one hundred percent not interested!
Todd: Ohh! Classic Nigel!
J.D.: I think the Janitor's pretending to be British.
Doug: You mean Klaus, the German guy?
Janitor: Guten Tag, Doug.
Janitor: That means "nice haircut."
J.D.: No it doesn't!
Janitor: Mind your own beeswax.
Janitor(British accent): Oh, Todd, you simply must sample one of these tea buns my mum sent over from Sussex.
Todd: Up high two times. One's for "buns", one's for the "sex" part of Sussex! Come on!
Doug: Hey Klaus, in your country, how come Hamburg and Frankfurt have nothing to do with hamburgers or hot dogs?
Janitor(German accent): Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: April 2, 2013 on Prima COOL
Neil Flynn (The Janitor) did, in fact, play the "Transit Cop" in The Fugitive, and that was actual footage from the film. This has led some fans to speculate that the Janitor's unspoken name is also Neil Flynn.
Carla and Dani are watching the movie The Fugitive on television. The movie features the Janitor (Neil Flynn) who ironically played in the 1993 movie.
Saturday Night Live
After saving a patient's life and receiving accolades from the patient's family, J.D. states: "Oh, please, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you guys...Except, after I put my pants on, I save your husband's life! Oh, no he didn't!"
This is a reference to the Saturday Night Live Skit featuring Christopher Walken in which he tells the fake Blue Oyster Cult that he puts his pants on one leg at a time...except once his pants are on, he makes gold records.
JD's fantasy about Turk enjoying his fame in surgery has Turk singing about himself to the theme of "Shaft."
In JD's dream, the scene where the car flies off the bridge is unused footage taken from the Tom Cruise film, Vanilla Sky.
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