Scrubs

Dr. Kelso: Well, it seems I've stumbled into the "time-well-spent" ward. Back to your cage, Ted.

Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line? Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But, hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.

Elliot: You know, I actually like Julie. So, don't do that thing you always do. J.D.: If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with Turk anymore. (Later) Turk: Behind your ear. J.D.: (Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear) My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell Elliot we're still playing.

J.D.: I know, I haven't hit it in awhile but there's good reason for that. Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.

Dr. Cox: Now Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to melphalan. However I've come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment. Mrs. Wilk: Ok. Carla: Oh I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is. Mrs. Wilk: Now that you told me, it won't sound sincere. Carla: He won't care. Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing. Dr. Cox: It's just my job.

Julie gets up to leave, drops her water in Elliot's spaghetti, hits Elliot in the back of the head with her purse, then hits her face with the napkin container Julie: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I am so sorry! Elliot: Oh no, it happens. J.D.: It does, it happens.

Elliot: Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.

J.D.: Can you believe we've been talking for two hours? Julie: Seriously? J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom I set the clocks two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by. Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name in the mirror with my finger so the next time you took a hot shower and it fogged up, you'd think ghosts were telling you to be with me.

J.D.'s narration: Tell her about the hit and run. No, she probably loves ponies. Ask her if she's been tested. Why are these odd thoughts popping into my head? My God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her. Stop it!

J.D.: By the way, Julie's here but I'm not going to kiss and tell. Elliot: Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city". J.D.: Oh really? That came through?

J.D.'s narration: So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating. Elliot: Ha ha you had sex last night with a beautiful girl you really like. J.D.'s narration: Sometimes she needs a little help. J.D.: You probably meant to say if it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop. Elliot: Right! In your face! Thank you.

Elliot: Don't go to quickly, or like I said, you'll just end up with another beautiful girl. J.D.: Dating my laptop. Elliot: Dating your laptop. Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Alright listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla. And that includes you Mrs. London. I will save your life and take it away.

J.D.: I wasn't saying you smelled like my Mom, I was saying you smelled like my-mum. It's an exotic flower indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica. Julie: God, I feel so stupid. J.D.: Hugsies. J.D.'s narration: (While hugging Julie) Ohhhh, mommy.

J.D.: Fine. I may have told her that she smells like my Mom. Which, by the way, I still maintain as a compliment.

J.D.: Why would Julie just take off like that? I bet my body intimidated her. That's it! I'm selling that Bowflex on Craig's List.

Elliot: So I guess your date sucked, huh? J.D.: HA! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked? She's in my room. Elliot: Twenty bucks says you blow it in less than five minutes. J.D.: Unlikely. 'Cause what's waiting for me in my room is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk. (Pantomiming a tennis racket swing) Elliot: One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Julie: It's soooo late, I have to get going. I have a dog and a fish. I have to walk them and feed them and stuff. I'm Julie. Hi. Elliot: I was Elliot. (To J.D.) Twenty bucks, pleeeease.

Janitor: (Watching Turk air performing) I don't know what "IT" is, but he's got it. Lloyd: He's going to be trouble... Janitor: I know, but he's so damn talented.

Janitor:We don't just rock together, we roll together. Janitor, Lloyd, Ted, Turk: ::pounding chests:: Cool cats.

J.D.: How did you know I'd move too fast with Julie? Elliot: Because I know you! Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad? Carla: Because I know you! Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect? Janitor: Because I know him! Todd: (Watching in the security cameras) Wow! This is so cool!

J.D.: Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot! And stay away from my J.D. wigs!

J.D.: Thanks for doing that. I wanted a picture of us old, you know, that way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident we'll always have that memory of us together.

J.D.: All right Mrs. Nickels, your new hip is on the house 'cause this girl is smoking!

Mrs. London: Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person. Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a person in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness!

Janitor: Anyway, thanks for coming to the audition in that costume! Todd: What costume?

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference. Dr. Kelso: Turkelton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called Dr. Dad, which despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever...

Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son. Not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss. Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection, he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.

J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones... J.D.'s Narration: ...but words will hurt forever.