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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Todd Quinlan
In scene after J.D finds out that the boyfriend has Gonorrhea, his injury above his right eye vanishes.
J.D.: What are you doing here?
Kylie: My girlfriend Tamyra, from the club? She's also feeling a little sick, and you'll never guess what she has.
J.D.: Gonorrhea! I mean... gonorrhea.
J.D.: Hey, Kylie, there you are.
Kylie: Hey! J.D.!
J.D.'s Narration: This is your moment! Grab it! Listen, Kylie... Out loud, you idiot! Out loud!
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Elliot: Did... did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.
Turk: Dude! You can't tell her! They won't let you be a doctor anymore!
J.D.: Who cares! I'd make more money bartending!
Carla: Turk! If we leave right now, I might actually be awake for sex tonight. Just go get my coat... You owe me.
J.D.'s Narration: The only thing you can take solace in is that a girl like her would probably never be interested in you anyway.
Kylie: I can't believe a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend. If I was single, I'd totally snatch you up.
J.D.: Would you like to play a game of Hangman?
Kylie: Ugh, I shoulda brought my laptop - I could've gotten so much work done.
J.D.: You can bartend online?
J.D.: I can't believe you make three hundred dollars in tips a night.
Kylie: Mm-hmm. This is why doctors should have tip jars. I mean, I make three bucks for serving a martini, you put your lips on the mouth of a slobbering dead guy and bring him back to life - that's gotta be worth at least a five spot!
Janitor: So... You don't want to know the ending of something? I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard! Half kitten, half monkey!
J.D.: Your test results, let's see what's going on. Your gram stain shows that you have... you have gonorrhea... We should probably test Kylie to see if she's infected.
James: Oh, no, we haven't slept together... yet. It's not like I'm missing out - shoot, I probably got it from my secretary. Or that trainer from the gym. Ooh, or this fine chick, Tamyra, that bartends with Kylie? Yeah.
J.D.: Well, we should probably get-get you fixed up, or things might start falling off of ya.
Kylie: Mmm! You coulda used J.D. at Seton Hall!
Turk: Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called, and they said- You played ball at Seton Hall?
James: All four years.
Turk: Get outta here!
J.D.: Did-did-did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?
Turk: Yeah, they're out of broth. So what was like playing college ball?
James: Oh, man, it's bett-
Kylie: Sweetie, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.
James: Oh, okay.
Turk: Hell, no! Sweetie ain't drinking no cafeteria coffee! Sweetie, you are drinking the coffee from the doctors' lounge! Let's. Seton Hall, huh? That is...
J.D.'s Narration: Give her a compliment. Tell her she has a huge ass!
Kylie: What happened to your eye?
J.D.: Oh, this, it's a little embarrassing. I was playing baske-
Turk: Embarrassing for me, actually, see... It's wing-man time... We were playing basketball, and he scored eight buckets in a row on yours truly.
J.D.: Yeah. I ally-ooped him.
Turk: Shut up.
Dr. Cox: I don't have any idea how they might have gotten in here, Bob. But I can tell you this: If you think I'm missing the biggest game of the year, you got another thing-
Dr. Kelso: I hate to interrupt you, but I'm still feeling a little woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart. So why don't you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?
Dr. Cox: When did you get this?
Dr. Kelso: Right about the time we couldn't afford that M.R.I. machine.
Dr. Cox: Ah, of course you did.
Ted: Here's the key to Kelso's office.
Dr. Cox: And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I have thought about it, and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr. Chang to die.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me!
Elliot: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Cox: And the southpaw with the blonde bangs and the big britches comes out sa-winging!
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is seventy-two and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done! It's parasites one, person zero! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh! Tremendous body blow!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!
Dr. Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.
Dr. Cox: Well, yeah, that's well and good, but I'm not available.
J.D.: What's this stretch good for?
Turk: It loosens up my chest. But you should probably stretch too.
J.D.: Don't need to, buddy - I got a tube of Ben-Gay on each one of my hamstrings.
Elliot: Do you believe that guy?
Dr. Cox: I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.
Elliot: So, what do you think we should do?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the Heat. It's the game of the year - Shaq versus Kobe. And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.
Elliot: Shaq versus Kobe?
Dr. Cox: All the best.
J.D.'s Narration: Let's face it: What a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.
Elliot: I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband in the E.R., but we're gonna approach this case a bit differently.
Subtitle: Robbins is an idiot.
Mrs. Chang: And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.
Dr. Kelso: I took a special interest in this case.
Subtitle: I was thinking about food, and accidentally wandered over here.
Mrs. Chang: Oh, thank you!
Todd: Hey, Elliot. Your boobies look hot today.
Subtitle: Hey Elliot, your boobies look hot today.
J.D.'s Narration: Time to go fishing for some info.
J.D.: Do you ever have any, uh, shortness of breath? For instance when you're walking Kylie to the apartment that you share?
Kylie: We don't live together.
J.D.'s Narration: Window! Window!
J.D.: Oh, so you're-you're waiting until you get married?
Kylie: We're not engaged.
James: To answer your question, I don't have any shortness of breath. But my right knee is a little puffy.
J.D.: Well, maybe that's from dragging your feet! Am I right, Kylie! Heh. She knows! Okay.
J.D.: I'm going for it. But I got-I gotta-I gotta go in there hot. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?
Turk: Dude? A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist then says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."
J.D.: That moth is crazy!
J.D.: Oh man, I can't believe it's over.
Turk: Dude, maybe it's not that serious, all right? There could be a window. But you have to get in there and fish for information, all right? You don't want to lose this hottie! She is a slammin' hottie! And you don't wann-
J.D.: I got this: Baby, you know you're his world!
J.D.: It's funny, I thought you said you were the one who needed a doctor.
Kylie: No, I told you it was James.
J.D.: Ohh. How could I not have heard that?
Kylie: Remember, I said...
J.D.'s Narration: My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so bi- You're doing it again!
Kylie: ...so, I'll see you in there.
J.D.: Okay. In there, I'll see you.
J.D.: Do you ever get that special fluttery feeling in your heart when you feel like a woman is about to change your life?
Kylie: Hey! J.D.! This is my boyfriend James. Thanks again for seeing him.
Turk: How's your heart?
J.D.: The fluttering has stopped.
Turk: Dude, I can't believe this. You're gonna date a patient! I hope she has something that keeps her here for a while so you can get to know her!
Kylie: This is so weird! I been looking for a doctor! See...
J.D.'s Narration: My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so big I can see myself in them. Wow, how cute am I!
Kylie: ...so it's probably nothing big, but I'm wondering if you could check it out?
J.D.: You got it! Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow, I have clinic hours. After all, I'm a doctor.
J.D.: Uh, can you make me an appletini?
Kylie: I hope so, it's my favorite drink.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my God, that's a sign.
(Trying to enter an african-american night club)
Guard: Alright, you're free to go in.
(The guard stops J.D.)
Guard: You're out.
Carla: Look, sir, please, just -
Turk: (Interrupts Carla) Baby, I got this, don't worry about this. Listen here man. Homie here, you know, he's a little outta his mizzle, so I'm just saying, for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all shizzle.
Guard: You're out, too.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Chang. Could you at least just...make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague. Telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I could take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
J.D.: Well, he woke up to a world of bad boyfriends, oaths, and gonorrhea.
Elliot: He sure did. And you know why? Because I broke the rules and ignored what Dr. Kelso wanted me to do.
J.D.'s narration: Sometimes you have to break the rules. And Elliot's patient waking up was a clear sign that you couldn't deny.
Nurse Tisdale: Mr. Chang is crashing!
J.D.'s narration: Signs be damned! I'm telling her!
J.D.'s Narration: As I sat there letting my interns do all my work, I wondered if there was a parallel universe where another J.D. and another Kylie could be together because there's no Hippocratic Oath on planet Glornak Seven.
Elliot: Are you on Glornak Seven?
J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything!
J.D.'s narration: What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks!
Kylie: Did you know only seventeen percent of people under the age of twenty-five voted last year?
J.D.: You can vote if you're under twenty-five?
Dr. Cox: God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?
Janitor: I would like...to perform open-heart surgery.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: I would like a shark that can read minds.
Dr. Cox: No!
Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.
Dr. Cox: No!
Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?
Dr. Cox: Done.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, Bar-bye! You are up there without a net this time! Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn't, sure shootin' you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying "sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you are two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.
Janitor: Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!
Dr. Cox: Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?
Janitor: I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game...maybe knock your head against the glass.
J.D.: Why do all the good ones have boyfriends with venereal diseases but you can't say anything 'cause you're the guy's doctor?
Carla: I am so sick of men screwing women over! Like cheating on them or using your lavender bath gel to wash their car!
Turk: Baby, you did not just compare cheating and getting gonorrhea to me using your soap-
Carla: I'm just saying men let you down.
Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game. And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh my God, oh, my God, did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!" Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last.
Turk: Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big?
Turk: You say, "Hell yeah!"
Dr. Kelso: No need. I saw his chart right before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.
Elliot: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?
Dr. Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another twelve hours and the bakery closes at five.
J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?
Carla: Don't give him too much credit. He's just excited because he wishes he dated more sexy black women when he was single.
Todd: Well, at least he married one.
Carla: Todd, I'm not black.
Todd: Right, and I'm not straight.
J.D.'s narration: Okay, time to move in for the kill. Work the fact that you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. Uh, John Dorian. Most of my patients live.
Dr. Cox: You're gonna wanna grab a mop-
Janitor: Shush. Watching 'The Sixth Sense'.
Dr. Cox: There's a mess in the hallway.
Janitor: This kid sees dead people.
Dr. Cox: That film is at least five years old.
Janitor: So what? I haven't seen it.
Dr. Cox: Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. All the best.
Janitor: Noooo! NO!
The scene where J.D. and Turk are stretching before playing basketball was longer, involving a plan J.D has to make himself appear as a great basketball player to the other doctors. The scene was split into two, and the part where J.D. goes through his plan with Turk is used in episode My Changing Ways. In the Season Four DVD bonus features, under Alternate Lines, you can see the whole scene as it was before they split it.
Donald Faison says in his interview on the special features that he used to have to get Zach Braff into nightclubs, because Zach wasn't cool enough, similar to the situation Turk and J.D. find themselves in in this episode.
The actual score of the Heat-Lakers game was 102-89, Miami.
The original broadcast of this episode scored a 5.5/8 rating.
The Lakers-Heat game that Dr.Cox tapes & has spoiled is fictional (unless the writers are psychic and the March 17 game ends 98-97 with Kobe dunking over Shaq).
The way the Janitor talks to Dr. Cox after he has threatened all the interns not to tell the game score is a clear reference to James Bond villain: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. The way the Janitor seats and holds his "pet" resembles this fictional character. It can also be related to Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies.
Turk's use of the suffix "-izzle" during the third attempt to get J.D. into the club is a reference to rapper Snoop Dogg, who started the trend.
In the 2nd flashback of J.D. and Turk trying to get into the "African-American" club, J.D. is wearing a giant clock necklace which is a trademark item worn by Flavor Flav. Flav had a show similar to The Bachelor on VH1 called Flavor of Love.
J.D.'s appearance infront of the first nightclub and him saying "You can't touch me" is an allusion to MC Hammer and his most successful single "U Can't Touch This".
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