Scrubs Season 7 Episode 3

J.D.: (To Janitor) Move it, Jolly Green.

Dr. Cox: (To Elliot) New from Mattel, it's Hypocrite Barbie. Now when you do waltz into your similarly stick-like patient's room, I don't want you to feel guilty because you brought in a bag of celery sticks and some air for lunch today. Remember (whispering sarcastically) it's not about you, it's about her.
(Elliot drags Dr. Cox into her patient's room)
Eliot: Robin, this colleague of mine has pointed out that I could also stand to gain a few pounds. And, I don't want to be a hypocrite. So, how about you and I do it together.
Robin: Sure. (Looking at Dr. Cox) He's got crazy eyes.
Dr. Cox: I do. And, I'm okay with it.

(J.D. furiously screaming, trying to break the windshield of the car Dan just gave him with a trash can)
J.D.: I'm gonna take a quick breather.
Dan: J.D., I enjoy a demonstration of your lack of physical strength as much as the next guy. But, what's your problem?
J.D.: Dan, you come here with your new job, and your new house and you give me a car.
Dan: So what?
J.D.'s Narration: Don't say it.
J.D.: You're supposed to be the loser, not me. (Hits the windshield again and it breaks) Clearly I loosened it.
J.D.'s Narration: And then Dan said the last thing I ever expected to hear from him.
Dan: You know what, J.D., you need to grow up.

J.D.'s Narration: Having Dan here wasn't all bad.
Carla: So Dan, you still living with your mom?
J.D.: Carla, Dan doesn't live with our mom. He lives in an apartment that happens to be in Mom's attic.
J.D.'s Narration: Yep, nothing makes my life seem less crappy then hanging my loser bro.
J.D.: I mean sure, there's lots of bats up there. But, that's because there's no air conditioning.
Turk: Bats like heat?
J.D.: Musty heat, yes. Good question, Turk.
Turk: Thanks. (To Carla) How come you don't point out when I ask good questions?
Carla: Because I don't love you like he does.
J.D.: Tooold yooou.

Intern: (Holding out mug of coffee) Here's your coffee, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: You want me to grab that, even though I suspect the reason you're holding the handle is because the mug itself is scalding hot. Now, I sent you out to get me some Joe not to give me a burn. Put the coffee down. (Waving arms wildly) Get out, get out! Go, go go!
(Intern runs away)
Dr. Cox: Yes. You. Questions? Comments?
Elliot: You do realize that you told a a patient to reduce stress and then yelled at an intern over coffee.
Dr. Cox: You are going to be a huge help when it come time to write my memoirs.

J.D.: Here I've got this new kid, but it's come at the crappiest time of my life. Plus, I'm makin' that 40 minute drive on a scooter. And, if I ever wanna bring Sam here, I can't because his stupid, floppy baby neck isn't strong enough to wear a helmet.

J.D.: You know what sucks?
Dr. Cox: Being trapped on an elevator with you while you whine about your stupid life? (Puts on stethoscope ) You know what it'll be okay. All I need is a little white noise. (Breathes into bell of stethoscope)

Ted: Hey! Is your engine still running?
Janitor: Yeah. I let it run all day so I can leave the air conditioner on that way it's nice and cool when I drive home. I gotta gas up sometimes over lunch, but it's worth it.

Elliot: Since Keith and I broke up, I haven't been eating or sleeping very well, so I'm down a dress size.
Turk: You look like you've been sick.
Elliot: Turk, that's so sweet.

J.D.'s narration: (looking at a baby) Nothing in my life could compare to this.
J.D.: I'm a dad.
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl.
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I'm having a moment here!

Ted: What happened to you? You were going to change the world, man!
Janitor: I've learned to pick my battles in this world, otherwise ya fight, and ya fight, and one day you'll look in the mirror and there's an old man looking back atcha, and you have to ask yourself "was it all worth it?"
Ted: It's been 36 hours!
(Ted stands up)
Ted: I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you, you are pathetic and weak, and I don't love you anymore. Get out!

J.D.: Do you think I need to grow up?
Dr. Cox: Well... You dream your whole life about that one moment and when it finally comes, you just... you're just not ready for it. Here it goes: the answer is a sincere, emphatic 100%definitiveneverbeenso- sureofanythinginmylifeunequivocal... yes. And the fact that you came to me means everybody else thinks so, too.

Janitor: Okay, people. Time to save the planet! But where to begin?
Ted: My first step was going with all hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream. Then it's awesomer!