Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
"Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
"99 Luftballons" by Nena
In the "99 Luftballons" scene with J.D. and Mr. Mueller, in the lower left-hand corner, you can see someone hitting the balloons back into the center of the room.
Elliot: He wants to know why his brother lied to him.
J.D.: Uh... I guess he was trying to protect you. Or maybe he thought he was trying to protect you, but he was actually protecting himself.
Elliot: Hang on, I forgot what "protect" is, and you used it, like, five times.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan.
Jordan: You know, it's funny - I can't even be pissed and want you to die, screaming in agony, as two horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.
Turk: Have you dreamt of anyone since we got engaged?
Carla: No, Baby, but I understand. Come here, let me give you something to dream about.
She turns around, in a dream to find Ted lying next to her
Ted: See if you can find my tattoo!
Turk: Elliot, you don't get it, do you? Look, ever since I met Carla, I haven't dreamt about another woman.
Elliot: Turk! You're engaged. I mean, it's a huge commitment! It's totally natural to feel trapped or uncertain... maybe even a little scared?
Laverne: Uh-huh... Sorry.
Elliot: This is awkward.
Turk: Yeah, Elliot, could you, uh, be quiet please?
Elliot: Okay. But if it gets too quiet, you could just fall asleep, and then I might just creep into your head and rock your world! Unh!
Janitor: But, I know this was uncomfortable, and, uh, I appreciate your concern.
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I had to tell you what was going on.
Janitor: Don't touch me with those hands.
J.D.'s Narration: And then he said something I never expected to hear.
Janitor: I don't like you.
J.D.'s Narration: Not that - I totally expected that.
J.D.: Okay. Uh, I still want to refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign... 'bout nine and a half...
Laverne: What was that about?... You're right, I'm sorry! I've been working really hard the past few months on not being such a busy-body.
Carla: So, tell me, Turk, was she a good kisser?
Laverne(to J.D.): Excuse me.
Dr. Cox: Well, since we are sharing: I have to go home and face Jordan and tell her that I didn't ditch her little hatchling on account of being lazy - I did it because, whenever I'm alone with that child, do you know what I feel? Nothing. So whatta you say, you wanna-you wanna trade your big problems for mine?
J.D.: No thanks.
Dr. Cox: It was worth a try.
J.D.: ...And now, Mr. Mueller's doing so much better, I'm not even sure telling him the truth about his pancreatic cancer is even the best thing for him.
Dr. Cox: So, what you're saying is that you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem. But here's the problem, Newbie: it's not my problem. So whatta you say we stop talking about the Janitor's junk; I'd like to hear nahsing about ze German; and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though I know she's on your mind.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
Ted: Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department - I'm an attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuff Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?
J.D.: You mind telling me why you lied to your brother about his condition?
Herman: You-you talk too fast.
Elliot: He said, "Warum haben sie ihren Bruder angelogen?"
Herman: Ich wollte meinen Bruder nicht Angst machen. Arschloch.
Elliot: He didn't want to upset his brother, jackass!
J.D.: Fine, just tell him that lying to his brother isn't gonna make him any better!
Laverne: We got Mr. Mueller's ultrasound back.
J.D.: His Biliary obstruction's relieved, and he's taking P.O.
Herman: That's good, yes?
Mr. Mueller: Sobald ich nach Hause komme, werde ich eine ganze Schokoladentorte essen!!
J.D.: Please tell me he just said, "My brother told me the truth, and I'm dealing with it the best that I can."
Elliot: He said, "As soon as I get home, I'm eating an entire chocolate cake."
J.D.: Anyhoo, I think Mr. Mueller's so amazing. I mean, yesterday, I pretty much told him he was gonna die; and his brother turned to him and he said, "Es wird alles wieder gut." And Mr. Mueller just accepted it!
Elliot: Well, why wouldn't he? "Es wird alles wieder gut" means "You're going to be fine."
Elliot: Hey! I just met your patient, Mr. Mueller; we had such a nice chat.
J.D.: You speak German?
Elliot: Yeah! I can do a sweet little milkmaid: "Guten Morgen...möchten sie die Kühe melken?" I can do an evil old hausfrau: "ESS DEIN SCHNITZEL, SONST KRIEGST DU KEIN NACHTISCH!"
J.D.: German's such a beautiful language.
J.D.'s Narration: If you're not honest, you'll end up getting busted.
Jordan comes up to Dr. Cox who is playing basketball
Dr. Cox: So, to summarize: If this basketball was a non ST-elevation myocardial infarction, Glycoprotein 2B3A inhibitors would be initiated early on... You buying this?
Jordan: No. Can I see that?
J.D.'s Narration: Eh, but what do I know about good relationships? Two days ago, I had funeral sex.
Herman: Hey, you must be Dr. Dorian. I am, uh, Rolf's brother, Hermann.
J.D.: Herman the German! You must get that all the time!
Herman: No, first time...
Herman: Let's hope it catches on!
J.D.'s Narration: This is perfect! In here, I can just "accidentally" see his wiener and then give him medical advice! Just be subtle.
Janitor: Can I take your order?
J.D.: How come you're not unzipped?
Janitor: 'Cause I'm not peeing! This is where I come to take my breaks. If I stand around out there, everyone tells me to do stuff.
Turk: Dude, I'm freaking out! I can't stop having sex dreams about Elliot!
Todd: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing! All done. Continue.
Turk: Hey, Baby!
Carla: So how's it work? You get to spend all night fantasizing about 'Nilla Wafer, here, and I get to be happy with whatever "Hey, Baby" you throw my way?
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, Mr. Mueller doesn't speak a word of English.
J.D.: Hi, Mr. Mueller.
Mr. Mueller(Translated): "Why is it so cold in here?... I should have a space heater...or a big chesty nurse to climb under the covers with me."
Laverne enters the room with medication
Mr. Mueller: Danke!
Laverne: What he "danke"in' you for?
J.D.'s Narration: I'm gonna try not to call Jamie, because I know in my heart she shouldn't be in a relationship yet. But still, there were a lot of questions: Was she gonna be okay? Did I leave my underwear at the funeral home? And - good Lord! - how did I end up in the middle of nowhere without realizing I've never had to pee this badly in my entire life?
Turk: Can you just do me a favor, though? Don't tell Carla about this, because she'll just get all jealous and disgusted.
Elliot: But... we haven't done anything for her to be disgusted by.
Turk: Oh, yeah, we did.
Elliot: What's her problem? I'm starting to wonder if my prescription deodorant isn't working!
Elliot: It's not for the odor, it's for the wetness.
Carla: Between my list of family and friends and your list of family and friends, we have like 400 people coming to this wedding! How are we gonna cut this down?
Elliot: Out of curiosity, whose list did I end up on, yours or Turk's?
Carla: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... mine!
Elliot: Let me see!
Dr Cox: Now, have you bothered to name this thing yet?
Jordan: I'm thinking of naming him after my father.
Dr. Cox: "Tax E. Vader"?
Dr. Cox: What about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan: You're right, Percival, "Quinn" is a foofy name.
Jordan: All right, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot. And, Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about?
Jack starts crying
Dr. Cox: Waaaah!
Jamie: I am okay, J.D. I'm really seeing things clearly.
J.D.: You've never been more confused.
Jamie: I'm happy!
J.D.: You're sad.
Jamie: I'm at peace.
J.D.: You're at war!
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, no matter what Dr. Cox thinks, I wasn't going to that funeral to hit on Jamie... I was going to pay my respects.
Jamie: J.D.! I'm so happy you came!
J.D.: Well, you look fantastic! And, you know, I don't mean "Hey, dude, check out that hot bitty at the bar!" 'fantastic' - I'm talking about "I'm sorry for your loss" 'fantastic'.
Jamie: Do you wanna grab a drink?
J.D.: Yeah, let's get the hell out of here.
Laverne: I gotta fix my own damn copy machine 'cause the maintenance man claims he's got more important things to do!
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, no one else'll bust my chops about the funeral. Because around here, you tend to get wrapped up in your own world. Whether you're trying to plan your day...
Todd: Should I take a dookie before or after I lift weights? Mmmm... after!
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella, but you gotta snap out of it!
J.D.: Oh, I gotta get to that funeral.
Dr. Cox: Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you! Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like - enter Errol Flynn... whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her. But, since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off? Mm-hmm?
Jordan: Listen, later on, if you have trouble getting the baby to sleep? Just tell him that story. Yeah.
J.D.'s Narration: I think Dr. Cox would be more willing to help if he knew it was his baby.
Jack(in J.D.'s imagination): Whatta you say, there, Stephanie; how about you step up to the plate and tell the guy. My God! I'm only three weeks old, and already I've got more stones than you do - and one of mine hasn't even dropped yet.
Jordan: I can't believe you're bitching 'cause I asked you to look after him for an hour three days a week! Do you know how badly I need a massage?
Dr. Cox: What's the matter? Are you getting all sore around that hump above your butt where your tail used to be?
Jordan: At least when Gustav promises me an hour of pleasure he's not standing in the shower five minutes later thinking he rocked my world.
Dr. Cox: So not Gustav! Busy doctor!
Carla: Are you crazy!? Baby, it was only a sex dream! Everybody has them... right, Ted?
Ted: Oh, no, not me... I just have the one dream over and over - I hold his head under the water 'til that last bubble goes "bloop."
Dr. Kelso: Ted! What's the E.T.A. on those Double-Stuffs?
Dr. Cox: So, you caught sight of the Janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Hmm! Well, then, it's your obligation as a doctor and your privilege as a woman to go back and ask him if you can't see it one more time. Now, 'course I'd love to help, but I'm off to babysit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, she's probably feeling awful, so say something reassuring.
J.D.: You're going to hell.
Jamie: Thanks again for coming.
J.D.'s Narration: Just get out without doing any more damage.
J.D.: I had a blast.
J.D.'s Narration: Nice job!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Maybe you're trying to break in the soles of your new Italian shoes...
Ted: Sir, those shoes look a little small for you.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or break down the spirit of your old whipping boy.
Dr. Kelso: What do you know about appearances, Ted? Have you looked in a mirror?
Ted: Not lately. But when I do, it's reflection perfection!
J.D.: Excuse me, Jamie?
Jamie: J.D.? What?
J.D.: I treated a patient today who was mad at his brother for presuming to know what's best for him... and that got me thinking. Because I was freaking out that we hooked up in the closet at the funeral, I did the same thing to you! So... if you're really ready, let's go for it! Cause... I'm crazy about you, and you're right - your husband is gone and he's never coming back!
Man at Table: Um...
J.D.: Who are these lovely people?
Jamie: These are my late husband's parents.
Turk: Sorta had a sex dream about you.
Elliot: Was I the girl?
Turk: Yeah, you were the girl!
Elliot: You're right, I have got to stop touching my pits and rubbing them on people.
J.D.: You know, Jamie, there are a lot of ways to grieve... but, last time I checked, wheelbarrow-style wasn't one of them.
J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor.. I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What!?! Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: February 28, 2013 on Prima COOL
J.D. hears Mr. Mueller's brother say, "Es wird alles gut gehen" (everything will be fine), when the brother translates J.D.'s prognosis. However, when J.D. talks to Elliot, J.D. quotes "Es wird alles wieder gut" (everything will be fine again).
Mr. Mueller speaks a very bad German. Some of his words don't even make any sense. The only person speaking it nearly perfect in this episode is Elliot.
In the German version of the episode, the Patient's name is not Mr. Mueller, but Mr. Olsen, who is from Denmark.
Dr. Cox: Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like -- enter Errol Flynn...whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her.
Dr. Cox is linking J.D. to Errol Flynn, an actor from the early 1900s who was known for being cast as a lead in swashbuckling movies such as The Adventures of Robin Hood and Adventures of Don Juan.
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