Scrubs Season 2 Episode 16

Jordan: I was going to tell him the truth eventually, I just wanted to see if he was going to be with me because he wanted to, not because he had to. Do you know what I mean?
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Jordan: It's his baby, stupid! Don't tell anyone.

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox asked me to check in on you; I'm sorry I haven't been here until now.
Jordan: He asked you to... check in on me?
J.D.: Yep. So...? How ya doin'?
Jordan: Well, I have ruined everything! All he tried to do was take care of me and show me that he loved me. But, no, I had to drive him away because I don't like being vulnerable even when I'm normal, let alone with my ankles in stirrups and my coochie on display. So, now he's gone away for good; and I would really like to get this stupid thing out of me so I can go home and kill myself!
J.D.: Well, you sound good.

Jordan: I don't know that many straight guys that wear cologne.
J.D.: I'm down to one spritz.
Jordan: Hm.

Paul: You got something in your tooth.
Elliot's Narration: I can't believe I have something on my teeth. Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off! Get it off!
Elliot: Did I get it?
Paul: Uh, no, but, don't worry about it.

Paul: You know, this is almost exactly like the kind of picnics I had with my mother.
Elliot: You're so cute!
She gives him a kiss.
Paul: And now it's exactly like them.

J.D.'s Narration: For us, it was time to face the karmic music.
Turk: We were the ones that hit your car with that golf ball.
J.D.: Well, technically it was Dr. Turk.
Turk: You liar! Okay, it was you!
J.D.: You know what, it really doesn't matter.
Mr. Foster: What were you guys doing hitting golf balls way down town?
Turk: Down town?
J.D.: I... told you it wasn't us.

Elliot: I can't take it, Carla! I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer! And the worst part is, Paul is this sweet, perfect guy who actually wants to take things slow with me, and I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo who's about to erupt and spew molten crazy all over him, and he's gonna die like this.
Carla: Calm down, Elliot. Do what I used to do - find people who don't even know Paul, and then just let it out in little bursts.
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies!
Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that and just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile, and ate it.
Dr. Kelso: Good Lord!

J.D.'s Narration: Then again, I have other problems. Because I know that some windshield hush-money won't keep the karma gods from coming after Turk and me.
Laverne: Q-Tip, Dr. Murphy called, they need you to cover his call tonight.
Todd(to Turk): Dude! Dr. Wen's doing a stomach stapling, and he wants you to be there to hold back the guy's fat flap.
Dr. Kelso(to J.D.): Apparently my face is scaring my patients, so you're going to take them off my hands for about a week.
J.D.: Turk! The Dairy Queen burned down!

J.D.'s Narration: After being blackmailed, I decided to check in on Jordan.
Jordan: You tell me, Donna! Do I look like I need more drugs!?!
Dr. Donna: Ow! My face!
J.D.'s Narration: Then again, I have other problems.

Janitor: All right, gentlemen, either of you in the market for a van? Five hundred bucks.
Turk: The windshield cost that much.
Janitor: Oh. Eight hundred.
J.D.: No thanks.
Janitor: Come on... There's still half a deer in the back! I think that's a deer.

Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone... You know, the classics.

Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared anymore?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.

Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection.

Paul: Elliot, listen, I think you're an amazing girl, I really do. But... something just didn't feel right about last night. It's just that I've rushed things with people in the past, and I don't want to do that with you.
Elliot's Narration: What does he mean "in the past"? Does he have an ex-girlfriend? Is that her? Slut!
Elliot: I feel the same way. Heh.

Paul: Elliot, wait up. Elliot.
Elliot: Hey.
Paul: I wanted to explain about last night. We had a great time, and I know that you wanted me to come in to... you know...
Elliot: Oh, no, no, no! I invited you in to see my... fish tank.
Todd: Is that what you ladies are calling it nowadays?
Paul: Careful, Todd.
Todd: Sorry, Nurse Flowers, sir.

Dr. Cox: A-hey-anyway, the cave bat just kicked me out of its lair, and seeing as I no longer have my all-access pass to crazy town, I'm going to need you to occasionally go in there and poke her with a broomstick, just to see how she's doing.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Girl's Name!
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: Gimme a break - I got a lot on my mind, Ellen! Ooh! Look at that! I bounced back!

Dr. Donna: It's important to stay positive!
Jordan: GET ME AN EPIDURAL BEFORE I RIP YOUR TEETH OUT!
Dr. Donna: Okie-dokie!

Dr. Cox: And, Jordan, I am not gonna leave your side until that baby is delivered.
Jordan: Get the hell out of here.
Dr. Cox: What?
Jordan: I'm serious. Why don't you do us both a favor and get out.

Dr. Donna: I think having babies is so much fun! Don't you!
Jordan: I will choke her.
Dr. Cox: Please, Dr. Brulatti, no more talking.
Dr. Donna: Oh, you know, I really prefer "Dr. Donna"!
Dr. Cox: No means no, pep-squad. Now beat it.

Dr. Cox: Come on, come on, come on, Jordan. I am so sorry everything fell apart today, honest-to-God, I am. But I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow, Dr. Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite so that you can go ahead and have that story-book, drug-addled, Pitocin-induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl.

Dr. Cox: Well, then, Jordan, why don't we just think of today as-as a test run.
J.D.'s Narration: Other times, people react exactly how you think they will.
Jordan: Honestly, Perry, the only way I could have felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa... or a third-world country where you have to boil your own sewage if you want something to drink! Oh, and by the way? A giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield in this hospital after 15 years.

J.D.'s Narration: We both knew what we had to do.
J.D.: Let's come clean.
Turk: Let's not tell anyone! Ever! Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever! EVER!

Ted: Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors! So, uh, what's the dealio?
J.D.: Ted...how bad would it really be if, uh, two doctors were hitting golf balls off the roof and they caused a car accident and the driver needed surgery?...Ted?
(Ted freezes and has a relapse)
Ted: Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors! So, what's the dealio?
J.D.: No dealio, Ted, we just stopped by to say hi.

Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna lie to you, there, Bob; I have not been having the greatest day.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I just drew in this eyebrow five minutes ago, so cry me a river.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, Jordan and I got stuck in this crappy room, and I was wondering if... if... whoo, well...
Dr. Kelso: Perry, if you want a favor, don't beat around the bush. Just... curtsy.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft?

Janitor: Here's the keys, have it back by tomorrow. Who're you?
Turk: Dr. Turk.
Janitor: I don't care.

Janitor: Yeah... Seems like one of the golf balls you hit went through the windshield of my van. No big deal, I just expect you to replace it, that's all.
J.D.: Wait, wait, wait. Your-your windshield's been broken for like a year!
Janitor: Yeah! Yeah, I know. Still.

Turk: Relax, all right? Nobody knows about this but us. We'll be fine.
Janitor: Hey, guys! Check out the personalized golf club cozy I found on the roof! "Hi, Davey!"
J.D.: You and your stupid Christmas present!

Turk: What the hell am I doing playing golf!? This is all Tiger Woods' fault.
J.D.: This guy's gonna sue the hospital, we're gonna get fired, we'll have to become male whores... Very successful male whores - we'll probably have a nicer apartment and some bling-bling, but male whores nonetheless!

Carla: Look, I think, with men, you just have to hold out until they're invested enough they won't run away at the first thing that spooks them.
Elliot: I know... And, with Paul, I really feel like we're getting pretty close right now!
Carla: So...you guys have...?
Elliot: Not yet, but tonight's our fourth date, so...
Carla: Four dates?
Elliot: Yeah, it's one date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes. I am Four-Date Reid!
Carla: Yeah, but, what about that surgeon the other-
Elliot: I'm Four-Date Reid!
Paul: Hey, Cutie! Hey! You ready for our third date?
Elliot: Fourth date! You're forgetting about the time we ran into each other at the coffee machine.

Jordan: We are so done talking!
Dr. Cox: Don't tease me.

Dr. Cox: Okay, here's the deal: You are, in fact, supposed to be up in the mack-daddy suite, but the woman who's in there is in her fortieth hour of labor.
Jordan: Did you explain to her that it is my room?
Dr. Cox: I started to, but then she screamed, grunted, and pooped on the table. God, it always cracks me up that they never tell pregnant women to expect that one!
Jordan: I'm going to poo in front of people!?
Dr. Cox: No... Yeah!

J.D.'s Narration: Doctors love to use humor.
J.D.: Well, Mr. Foster, your blood tests are back, and the good news is you're not pregnant.

Paul: Hey, sorry I didn't call you last night, I just totally crashed.
Elliot: No big deal.
Paul: See, I love that you don't let the little things bother you. Like, right now, you've got pit stains, and you're just like, "Whatever! I'm workin' hard!"
Elliot: What can I say? I'm an easy-going gal!... Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I need deodorant and a dry top over here!

Elliot: Hey, Paul.
Paul: What are you doing down here?
Elliot: Oh, I just need a nurse to help me out.
Paul: Hey, this name-tag says Paul Flowers, Nurse - not Paul Flowers, Elliot Reid's Boyfriend. Now, what do you need?
Elliot: Mr. Mahoney threw up on himself. He needs a bath.
Paul: Hey, uh, Dina, my girlfriend's got a job for you!

Dr. Cox: Now, in honor of this little goblin's arrival, I have gone ahead and taken care of everything: Dr. Gerson will be waiting to induce you; she will also administer the world's largest epidural. I have wealthily under-qualified residents covering all of my patients, so that I can be with you every step of the way. And, here's the kicker: I have traded every single one of my weekends, I have called in every favor, and I have kissed every pompous, wrinkled ass in this fluorescent hell-hole, so that I could secure for you the one and only mack-daddy, out-of-your-mind birthing suite in this entire hospital!
Jordan: Nice job, Alice.

J.D.: There she is! Are you ready to be born today! Jeebeedeebeejeebee...
Jordan: Get the hell away from my stomach, or I'll put you in a leg-lock and snap your little bird-neck with my enormous thighs.
J.D.: Enjoy your special day.

J.D.: So, what was up with Mr. Simms back there?
Turk: Ahhh, during his open-lung biopsy, I accidentally nicked his intercostal artery, and now he's got a hematoma.
J.D.: Are you gonna tell him?
Turk: What, and risk a lawsuit? Are you crazy?

Mr. Simms: I just wish I really knew why it hurt so much right here.
Turk: Well, Mr. Simms, it could be because it's damp out. It could also be because, four days ago, I sliced your chest open with a giant knife. You had surgery, buddy, you'll be fine.

Paul: You guys, you know, I've just gotten to know you as a couple, but you remind me of my grandparents. They were married for sixty-five years, and every night before Grandpa and Grandma would walk around the block, he would look deep into her eyes as if to say, "I'd follow you anywhere." Anyway, the way you two just looked at each other, I could have sworn I was looking at them.
J.D.: Lame! This guy.

Elliot: I still can't believe you guys are getting married!
Carla: I know! All my girlfriends think I'm crazy... about you! Because you're so damn cute!
Turk: Good save.

Dr. Cox: What're you two talking about?
J.D.: ...Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

Jordan: I'm going home.
Dr. Cox: No, you're not.
Jordan: Bye bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: ...this kid's annoying me already.

Dr. Kelso: Doctor Dorian, how is it that this whole hospital gets up in arms whenever our MRI machine misses a tumor, but every morning our lousy coffee machine spits out warm urine and no one gives two hoots?
J.D.: We missed another tumor?
Dr. Kelso: Who cares? The point is, I have to go across the street to get coffee.

Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?
Paul: No. I'm incredibly turned on.

Elliot: Carla, you know how I'm...really crazy?
Carla: Sure, what's up?
Elliot: It's just getting so hard to hide the crazy from Paul.
Carla: Oh, I hear you, girl. I mean, Turk and I are engaged and it wasn't until last week that I admitted the reason I don't touch the seat when I go to the bathroom isn't because of germs but because I'm afraid of toilet snakes.
Elliot: Aaaaand now so am I.

Dr. Kelso: Morning, sport.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, my God! Do not say "splotchy"!
J.D.: Good splotchy, Dr. Splotchy.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, please, it's barely noticeable.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh! Dark Roast!

J.D.'s Narration: Sure, Paul was dating Elliot. But, luckily, I'm not the jealous type.
J.D.: Okay, I'll, uh, I'll go ahead and make a little toast, here. Uh, a toast that only people that've known Turk and Carla more than a week will understand. You guys rock. You do.

Turk: Thank you very much for coming out tonight, guys.
J.D.: Oh, come on, this is the only way to celebrate, right? With close friends...and...Nurse Roberts...
Laverne: Oh, hey, now, don't get all pissy now. You said "My treat, order whatever you want." You didn't say "order whatever you want except the lobster."
J.D.: I said "no shellfish."