Scrubs Season 1 Episode 24

J.D.'s Narration: It's been a long year, but the important thing is we all got through it together. We were a family.
Jordan: Hey everyone.
J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it! And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone!
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself, there, newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for? was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
J.D.'s Narration: Yep. One big, happy family.

Jordan: Hey, stud, thank you for not asking me to help out on the Mr. Bober thing.
Dr. Cox: I would've but, it would have been pointless. It turns out, you're a very predictable woman, there, Jordan.
Jordan: Puh-lease!
Dr. Cox: I know you. You're gonna walk into that board room tonight, all tall and strong, and then you're gonna sit back and just pray that nobody asks your opinion. I mean, I'm sure you-you probably think that your little visits here are a spontaneous surprise, but, did you ever wonder why the only two candles that I own are already lit when you walk in that door? I mean, doll, I hate to tell you this but, I don't walk around all day with cologne down in my engine room. I'm not that guy!
Jordan: Some people like reliability.
Dr. Cox: In a sedan, it turns out it's terrific.

Dr. Cox: Uh...Bob? I think you should reconsider.
Dr. Kelso: Uh, what's that, Perry? I mean, because that didn't sound like something a team-mate would say. Maybe what you meant to do was pat me on the ass and say, "Go get 'em, Bob."
Dr. Cox: Right but, what if... we were to look at this from a purely... fiscal perspective.
J.D.'s Narration: Did he just say "fiscal"?
Dr. Cox: I mean, after all, Mr. Bober is here every four to six months, and if we were to consider his surgery as a one-time expenditure, then... you would be making the right financial call.
Dr. Kelso: See, now, that's the kind of thinking I can get behind! How's that make you feel?
Dr. Cox: Dirty all over.
Dr. Kelso: You get used to it.

Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition. Young man, I'm curious: what did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much this, except I'm really invested and so I thought I might try crying a little.

Carla: See, what happened there was, I knew what you were trying to say despite the exact words you were using; so I tried to help you out, instead of getting all mad at you over nothing.
Turk: Right, baby, we both know it's not the same.
Carla: You are the dumbest man I ever laid eyes on.

Turk: So you see, Dr. Wen, it's not really a favor - you were supposed to do surgery on Mrs. Beckerman, but she passed away this morning.
Dr. Wen: Go on.
Turk: Yeah, she's dead, and we were hoping that maybe you could keep her name on the roster? And, it's not-we don't wanna do surgery on her. Let's face it, Dr. Wen, we're good - but we're not that good, you know what I'm saying?
Dr. Wen: No.
Carla: Dr. Wen, we're trying to get a patient approved for surgery; we're hoping you can keep the slot open.
Dr. Wen: Oh, sure. Dr. Turk, next time you need to talk to me, think hard about what you want to say, then send her.

Elliot: Well, he doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of the board today at the meeting, well, J.D. thought maybe we could-
Jordan: "J.D. thought"? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh! J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God; I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: Pff... A little.

Dr. Cox: Well, then, I don't get your angle. What could you possibly want from me in exchange for my support? Because I'm telling you right now, I am not dating that daughter of yours.
Dr. Kelso: I only have a son.
Dr. Cox: That's my bad - I was just going by that picture on your desk.

Dr. Cox: I didn't appreciate your little game this morning, there, Bobbo-
Dr. Kelso: Heavens to Betsy, the gaspacho is scrumptious today.
Dr. Cox: ...Danglin' that fake promotion right out in front of me.
Dr. Kelso: I was dead-serious about the residency director's position.
Dr. Cox: Well, what makes you think that I'd be interested in something like that?
Dr. Kelso: Because you want my job, and you know that you'll never get it without this on your resume.

J.D.: Fine, loser gets Bober.
All: Once, twice, three: shoot!
Granddaughter: Did you say "Bober"? I'm looking for my grandfather, Frank Bober.
Laverne: We moved him to the ICU, dear. Uh, he'll show you up.
Elliot: It's okay. She-she didn't hear us.
Laverne: No. But Jesus did.

Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me!
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman... Woman... Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue all day about who screwed who-
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing, I'm on break - let's do it.
Turk: Okay, Rock-Paper-Scissors, right now.

Turk: How you doin', Mr... Bober?
Mr. Bober: Fine.
Turk: 'Kay, why did you let Elliot turf him up here?
Todd: I dunno. All I really remember is she dropped her pen, and bent over... Dude! Thong City!!
Turk: No; no high-five for you.
Todd: Todd did bad?
Turk: Todd did very bad. Todd did very, very bad.

Elliot: So, I let myself get taken advantage of, sometimes; you know. I mean, big deal - how do you make friends?
Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Elliot: Chas really cared for me.
Jordan: Ah, I know; and I'm sure you have a cool "Jungle Party" t-shirt to prove it. Now, can we please finish this physical? And, I can't pee right now, so you'll have to go for me.

Carla: I'll get a paper towel.
J.D.: Don't worry about it; somebody else'll get it.
Janitor: Yeah. Who can we get? I'm not shocked, that's how you live your life, isn't it? Got a problem? Hey, just pass it on down the line...

Carla: Bambi, Mr. Bober's hypertensive. I think he's becoming septic.
J.D.: This guy is more work than all my other patients, combined.
Carla: Well, maybe if you tell him how hard it is on you, he'll get better!

Dr. Kelso: Ted, the reason we're not admiring the new parking structure is because you failed to get legal clearance from the Zoning Board. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you're happy here.
Ted: Do it, Ted; just do it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof, I just naturally assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet earth had finally come to an end; so, tell me this: where, exactly, is the mother ship?

Carla: We were talking about our relationship, and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Ah, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again." You see that? "... Get to date again" - like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get"! You're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.'s Narration: Careful, tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me "tiger."
Carla: What?
J.D.: I agree with Laverne!
Laverne: Huh?

Jordan: Now, if you could just sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. Barbie! Give my ex-wife, here, a physical. And don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Ugh.

J.D.'s Narration: Why is he so uptight today?
Jordan: Hey, Perry.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, okay.
Dr. Cox: Jordan... To what do we owe the horror?

J.D.: I'll see what I can do. Hey, how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I?
J.D.: Nuh-uh.
Dr. Cox: Come here!
J.D.: Okay.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are right now; the only difference will be that some sorry new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.

J.D.: So, Mr. Bober, here, has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea; looks like colicistitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on - what the hell, Newbie. This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder, and you actually have him eating a grilled-cheese sandwich. Hhhere's an idea: why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka.

Ted: You got a few hairs in the sink, there, huh? For God's sake, man, don't comb so hard.

New Guy: Hi, I’m new here.
Janitor: Yeah, so. Did you want something?
New Guy: No, I’m just… waiting for someone.
Janitor: This door always gets stuck.
New Guy: Maybe there’s a paperclip stuck in there.
Janitor: Did you put a paperclip in there?
New Guy: No… I’m just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a paperclip in there, you’re going down.

Jordan: Oh come on Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober?

J.D.: So I thought if you looked at Mr. Bober's chart, and - and you agreed with us, you might be able to, you know, pull some strings, er...
J.D.'s narration: And now, here it comes - the calling me a girl's name, the telling me not to waste my time...
Dr. Cox: Yeah. I'll be more than glad to help you, there, Charlotte.
J.D.'s narraton: I was half right.
J.D.: W-well, th-thank you!
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I wanna thank you for this whole year -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no... no.
J.D.: And I just wanna know... if I can buy you dinner.
Dr. Cox: That'd be terrific.
J.D.: Great! I'm off in, like, a half hour -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat... with you, that's-that's just... that's crazy talk! I have half a mind to issue you a drug test. I mean, come on, what'd I sign up for -
J.D.: Would have been nice.

Janitor: Hey, congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help!?! You were awful to me! You-you-you-you-Awful!
Janitor: Anyway: Go get 'em, Tiger. The world is your oyster, my friend.

Jordan: (Singing about Elliot) I'm a little doormat, I sit and I stay. I let people use me every single day.

Janitor: I guess I don't fit in with your other mirror friends, then. Enjoy your shower.

Dr. Kelso: Sport, if crying worked on me my wife would have her own car by now.

Dr. Cox: But you hate me?!
Dr. Kelso: Like nuts in brownies, Captain.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Bober back there is one of our frequent flyers - he's been with us every six months for the last two years and I've grown rather fond of him so if you could somehow manage to not kill him well then oh gee that would be ducky.