Scrubs

Dr. Kelso: Okay, Perry! That's it, it's over. The only act left to see is you firing that guy.

J.D.: And if any of you cows, goats, or ducks have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me! I'm just like all of you, only giant and human!... Thank you. I hope you enjoyed our production of World's Most Giant Doctor Goes to the Farm.

Janitor: Oh, brother. Look, I, uh... either start laughing or I start unplugging your machines.

Elliot: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, Warum bist du Romeo? Verleugne deinen Vater und entsage deinem Namen. Oder wenn du das nicht willst, so SCHWÖRE hier. Carla: Gesundheit.

Dr. Cox: All right, talent show's about to start. Mr. James: Talent show? I'd love to see it, but I'm too tired to get out of bed. J.D.: That sucks for you!

Mr. James: What an amazing day! A balloon ride! Lunch by the beach! And my first carnival! Elliot: Yeah. Sorry you missed out on getting your face painted. Mr. James: Well, they only had time to paint one more face, so I let the kid behind me go, make him stop crying. J.D.: That was awesome!

Carla: You know, you're wrong about Turk - he has many, many talents. Yeah, he's really good at not finding five seconds to kiss his wife. Turk: Wow! That's interesting, because you're really good at that, too!

Dr. Cox: Newbie! Almost forgot about you! J.D.: You know what, save your breath! I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon and get Evil Knievel on my own ass! Come on, Elliot! Let's go French kiss the sun!

Dr. Cox: All right, knuckleheads! I need one of you to win this talent show! Elliot: I can do Shakespeare in German!... In college I double majored in theatre and classic languages. J.D.: Does that degree come with headgear and allergies?

Dr. Cox: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Jordan: Yeah! That-that-ohhhh! That we invite Muscles, here, to hang a banner in our bedroom that says "It takes three to party"?

J.D.: Besides, I defy you to find one other thing that I'm afraid of! Janitor: Mopping time! Mopping time! It's mopping time! (The audience whoops and cheers) Janitor: Yes, it's mopping time, my friend! And as you know, I always like to start in the exact spot you're standing. Let's get to work.

Dr. Cox: Hold your horses. Just tell me who the last person hired was, would you please? Kenny: Looks like you folks could use a little refresher! Serving people like you who save lives every day, makes me happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow! God bless ya! God bless ya. Dr. Cox: I have to fire Opie, don't I? Jordan: You think?

Dr. Kelso: What do you want, Perry? Dr. Cox: Bob, enough of the stinking budget cuts, already! Dr. Kelso: Noted. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fire someone. Dr. Cox: Oh, baloney, old man!

Turk: My wife's name's Carla. J.D.: Yeah! Turk: Yeah! Like Carla from the show. J.D.: Just like it. Mr. James: Wow...I've never actually met anyone who had the same name as a character on the show. J.D./Turk: Really? Mr. James: No. J.D.: Oh, well, that's understandable... Turk: Yeah. J.D.: I mean, there's a lot of Sams... Turk: There's probably a lot of Carlas...

J.D.: Okay, then, Mr. James, you're free- Wait a second, Charles James? I was watching the "Cheers" DVD the other night - are you Charles James the writer? Mr. James: Yeah, that's me. J.D.'s narration: Just. Stay. Calm. J.D.: Uh, Elliot, I need to take this gentleman upstairs for some more, uh, tests. Elliot: J.D., don't leave me here. J.D.: This is very important! He may even need a surgical consult.

J.D.: Ahh. Kylie's in class all day and she bartends at night, and I'm still working sixteen-hour shifts, so we try to make sure we kiss at least once a day. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, she takes a cab over here; Tuesdays and Thursdays, I scooter to my baby! Turk: Honey. I haven't foofied in bed in like a week!

Dr. Cox: Hey, Kenny, once again I'm...I'm real sorry. Dr. Kelso: Welcome to my world. Now, imagine going home to my wife.

Elliot: Wait a second! This chart isn't for Charles James, it's for James Charles! He's the one who has cancer, not you! J.D.: And who cares about him! He's anti-Semitic!

Carla: Uh, Turk and I are gonna go home and spend some time together. Some GOOD TIME! Turk: And by "good time" she means bumping uglies!

Janitor: Hey, I'm wondering, what's the story with steel wool? I mean, is it steel or is it wool? Make up your mind, steel wool. Are there iron sheep hopping around in Scotland?

Carla: Are you humming the "let's all go to the movies" song? Turk: Is that not our song? Carla: It's sung by hot dogs!

Dr. Cox: Let's take a look at our other options. Gandhi? You appear to be a man that is utterly without talent. Unless, of course, you wanna count the fact that you are the twentieth-best basketball player in a predominately white hospital? Jordan, your only skill is illegal in twenty-six states. Jordan: It's twenty-seven. Arkansas buckled. Dr. Cox: Carla, that makes you my girl. Hell, we could crank up the humidity and watch your hair explode, that'd be terrific.

Dr. Cox: Why? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Jordan: Because apparently you have girl parts!

Dr. Kelso: Perry? Why the hell is he still here? When I go back down to the cafeteria, there had better be only three workers there! Unless Margaret spits out another kid - that woman's like a Catholic bunny.

Dr. Cox: Hell yeah, I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I... I think you're doing a great job. Boy, that meatloaf today, it was-it was virtually hairless. Kenny: I took off the gloves and... it makes the hair a lot easier to... pick out.

J.D.: Is that my new sweater? Janitor: No, this is my new sweater mop. J.D.: It went dynamite with my beige cords! Janitor: You mean my beige cord sponge?

J.D.: A hot-air balloon seems kind of dangerous, I mean, he could get hurt. Elliot: What's he gonna do? Bruise one of his giant malignant tumors? J.D.: Safety is always important, Elliot. Elliot: Oh, my God. You're afraid of balloon rides, aren't you! J.D.: It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Jordan: Oh, for God's sake, Perry! Adjust your bra, man up, and fire the one with the least pathetic story! Dr. Cox: Do you really think I know any of these people's stories? Janitor: Well, let me fill you in. First we have Hank - four kids, trying to make it on a dishwasher's salary. Next one is Mike - lost half his leg in a motorcycle accident. And then there's Judy - been here thirty years, just two away from retirement. Jordan: You're...you're friends with all these people? Janitor: You kidding me? I read their files. I read everybody's files, Ms. Manic-Depressive, Dr. Drinks-A-Lot.

Elliot: I can't believe you left me all alone for a stupid T.V. writer. J.D.: Oh, like that is any different from the time you spent all night hanging out with your favorite weatherman from channel 4!

Dr. Kelso: I have to cut twenty-seven thousand dollars from the cafeteria budget! And my idea of getting it all back by charging a hundred bucks for a piece of cake went right out the window when Fat Frank decided to go on that power diet! Fat Frank: I lost over two hundred-thirty pounds so far!

Dr. Kelso: Okay, listen up, everyone. For budgetary reasons, we are turning the bathrooms on even-numbered floors into patients rooms. To sum up, floors two and four are no longer for one or two. Actually, there's still a bathroom on two, but then my joke wouldn't've worked.

Carla: Whoa-ho! What are you doing? No tongue before ten. Turk: Baby, J.D. and Kylie can make time for that stupid appointment kiss once a day - we should be able to do it twice a day! Carla: Love is not a competition. Turk: Okay. Carla: Make it three times.

Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit. Barbie, if it's of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you. Elliot: No, I'm talking about... Thank you!

J.D.'s narration: Things were amazing with Kylie. But before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me. J.D.: Name three spin-offs of the sitcom 'Happy Days'. Kylie: "Mork & Mindy", "Laverne & Shirley" and "Joanie Loves Chachi". Turk: You marry her. You marry her now! You marry her! J.D.: Okay, okay, we passed Section One - "Sitcoms about or involving Asian-American diner owners." Now on to Section Two - "Fat, tubby T.V. husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."

Carla: Are you just going to roll over like that? Jordan: That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night Carla: Where’s the outrage, the anger, the hate? Jordan:Again last night Carla:You’ve gone soft Jordan: Oh! Okay now its getting spooky.

Dr. Kelso: If there is one thing I have learned it is that you can’t schedule love. Dr. Cox: I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.

Dr. Cox: As a parting gift I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not ecoli unless its firing out of both exits.

Jordan: Perry, if you don't do what she says, I'll stop having sex with you and start making love to you. Dr. Cox: Where is that bastard?! KELSO!

Dr. Cox: Unless all of you want to see me turn a two syllable word into a six syllable word I re-he-he-he-heally think that we should keep looking.

J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do? Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, Monkey Pox, Pop Rocks, Toilet Snakes, Madcow, Birdflu, Swineflu, and quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you're actually fornicating with the animal it's named for.

Elliot: (Angrily) Excuse me, J.D., I just spent the last three hours interviewing two HUNDRED and twelve hypochondriacs, half of whom don't speak any English. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to mime "diarrhea"?