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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Todd Quinlan
Obvious mannequin when Jack is strapped to the jungle gym at the end of the episode. Just look at the hands.
"Everybody Gets What They Deserve" by The Churchills
According to the door to this office, Ted's last name is Buckland.
The "messenger monkey" in J.D.'s fantasy has been featured on the show before, in My Drug Buddy. He was the monkey playing the cymbals in J.D.'s marching band fantasy.
JD: This never leaves the room!
Elliot: Why did you close my window?
(A monkey comes up to Carla and Elliot)
Elliot: Oh, no! She wrote JD and Carla kissed on a paper! She is gonna tell Turk!
Carla: No, no! STOP HER!
JD: Don't worry, ladies. I've closed the window. (monkey can't get out)
Elliot: JD, I don't have a messenger monkey.
J.D.: Wow, that was a moist kiss. Wish I was wearing an apron.
Dad: Hey. Kid's back on the jungle gym. Guess your wife backed down.
Dr. Cox: You bet your sweet ass she did.
J.D.'s Narration: Even if it involves a compromise.
(Jack is hanging from the jungle gym, wearing many layers of heavy padding)
Dr. Cox: Hey Jack! Just blink when you want me to get you down. Just give me the old blink-a-rooney. Terrific athlete. I'm thinking 2016 Olympics. Oh God, was that a blink? Excuse me.
J.D.: This is nice. The three of us sitting together again like the Three Musketeers.
Carla: Yeah! And I need you guys to scrape your plates before you put them in the dishwasher!
Turk: She's back! My baby's back!
Elliot: This is funny, Mr. Gerst. And if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke then it will follow you around and devour you.
Gerst: Can I get a look at that mole?
Elliot: No! Ahem. No.
Jordan: What's the matter with me? I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters...
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staph infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and definitely all registered independents. So I think between us we've got everything covered.
Jordan: Was this taken at my mother's house?
Janitor: I gotta go.
Woman: What a sweet little angel! Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on get out of here. Hippity hop to the barbershop. Come on, Mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
J.D.: Ted, you should probably sit down. You're looking a little purple.
Ted: I know my own body.
Turk: Calm down, I just want to see if you got anywhere with Carla.
J.D.'s Narration: Alright, he knows your lying face, but silence is incriminating too. So think. What's between silence and talking?
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls!
J.D.: It was just a friend kiss!
Carla: Were your lips parted at all?
J.D.: No, I pursed them like this.
Carla: I don't know, J.D. I remember my one lip being on top of your upper lip and my other lip being somewhere in the middle of yours, which means your lips were apart and I don't think that's a friend kiss.
J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing like the rays of the morning sun kissing you awake and gently reminding you that you got drunk and kissed your best friend's wife!
Carla: Good night.
J.D.: Good night.
Carla: Buenas noches.
J.D.: Buenas... those things.
Elliot: You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Dr. Kelso: Don't pull me, I'm your boss for God's-
Girl: Giant Man, why are you making that noise?
Janitor: Oh. Well, cause my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way. See, here you go. Look happy. Look sad. Look crazy. Look like you're going away.
Dad: Look at my girl. Right back up on the monkey bars, even after she chipped her tooth there last week.
Dr. Cox: That's nothing. My kid's got a forehead full of stitches from leaping off the jungle gym.
Carla: J.D., I know what you're trying to do and it's very sweet, but the last couple of days have been so messed up and confusing, I'd love to just try and forget about it and have a few drinks, okay?
J.D.: But I told Turk I'd talk about him constantly until you made me leave.
Intern: That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
Todd: He wouldn't even let me see it.
Elliot: Hey meathead! Oh good, you both looked. Now, Mr. Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, okay?
Dr. Kelso: That man is a human sundial!
Dr. Cox: Jack just- He just fell off of the jungle gym.
Jordan: You're not careful enough with him!
Dr. Cox: What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
Jordan: That was an accident.
Dr. Cox: Hello there.
Jordan: What's with all the band-aids?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Jack was just getting nutty, having some fun. See, I even let him put one on me.
Jordan: Really? (She leans down and takes one of the band-aids off, revealing the stitches) Are those stitches?!
Dr. Cox: What are the odds you'd pick that one?
J.D.: Hey! Wanna grab a beer?
Carla: If you lose the hat.
Turk: That's why I need you to go in.
J.D.: No way, dude. It's never smart to get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
Turk: I'll let you wear my top hat.
Turk: Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
J.D.: Just tell her she can trust you.
Turk: I did. But apparently if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust, how's she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
J.D.: My head hurts.
Turk: Yeah, mine did too.
Elliot: Oh, get this. He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction. I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
Dr. Cox: What's this? Why, it's a dummy-gram. And it's addressed to you, Barbie. Let's read it and find out what's in there. "You are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost fifty percent of ED drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop."
Elliot: That can't be true.
Dr. Cox: Everyone. Would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second? Great. Now, would all the men in the room who've tried Mr. Happy pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass.
(The cafeteria is filled with the sound of banging)
Dr. Cox: Thank you!
(The banging stops, except for one lone man)
Elliot: Ted! Everyone stopped.
Ted: Oh. Dammit!
Janitor: Well, I hope you realize this means war.
Dr. Cox: Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.
J.D.: I wish I knew how it was going. Sorry about your hogs, fellas. Enjoy the free espressos... Warlord, I told you to sip it. Use your words.
Warlord: Warlord... burn mouth.
J.D.: Yeah he did, because he wasn't listening. Napkin on your lap, Satan's Valet. Thank you.
Carla: Turk, why are you wearing pajamas?
Turk: Uh, I really want you to come home and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle. And that would hopefully lead to but not necessarily require relations of the intimate nature.
Elliot: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
Gerst: I took some pills.
Elliot: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
Gerst: Man pills? The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than four hours.
Elliot: If what persists?... Oh! Um... Let's just say you took uppers.
J.D.'s Narration: We all held our breath together.
Dr. Cox: The surgeon lives!
(The Todd faints)
J.D.: The Todd forgot to breathe again. Starting CPR.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, got here as soon as I-
Dr. Cox: Shut it, Newbie. Your blacker half is trying to concentrate.
J.D.: How are you holding up?
Turk: I'm a little nervous.
J.D.: Well, now you make me all nervous.
J.D.'s Narration: In my four years there have been many emergencies at Sacred Heart, but none like this one, because today-
J.D.: Where is he?
J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox's son needed two stitches!
Turk: Baby, from here on out I hide nothing from you. It's a clean start for us. Sports time!
J.D.'s narration: Because in the end, things work out for the best.
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
J.D.'s narration: Or not.
Elliot: I have to tell you a story. When I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business. And then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out wasn't latched. Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles--it's very difficult to stop. Unless of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you. Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "Roller Moler".
Gerst: I'm sorry?
Elliot: I have a mole on my ass. The cute kind! Not the hairy kind.
Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
Janitor: Oh really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady, kissing Jack. Teenage girl, hugging Jack. Homeless man, holding Jack.
Dr. Cox: Jordan!
Jordan: That's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax!
Turk: There you are. Hey Ted. So how'd it go last night?
J.D.: Whoa! What's with the fifth degree?
Turk: Don't you mean third degree?
J.D.: No, because this is two degrees worse. I can't breathe, it's like you're all over me. I'm trapped in a death coffin.
Elliot: I'm going to try to better myself, and unlike you, I'm going to follow through, Mr. "Sign up on the Hospital Bulletin Board for Private German Lessons and then Never Show Up"! Yeah, that's right. That was my flyer! I waited at that coffee shop for hours.
Dr. Kelso: I broke up with my German mistress. She smelled like sauerkraut.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
Elliot: I'm such a horrible person. I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr. Gerst and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, give yourself some credit. You're much worse than everyone else.
Jordan: Flip? What does flip mean, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Jack probably thinks that Mommy and Daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Janitor: Maybe. Or, it's because every time he says "Flip", Daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sandbox without a net.
Dr. Cox: Alright, fine. I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what? The two of us have two distinctively different parenting styles. You're an overbearing hypercautious psychotic, and I'm... well, you know... fun? And I think if we could meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's going to be terrific! And besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
J.D.: Yes it is! It's a friend kiss and we will never talk about this to anyone ever!
Elliot: What's going on?
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
Elliot: You kissed? Like a friend kiss?
J.D.: Carla! You're killing me!
Carla: J.D., you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Elliot: So, Mr. Gerst. Your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself. I think we're going to need to schedule a procedure to relieve the... uh...
Dr. Kelso: Woodiness.
Mr. Gerst: My fiancee's only twenty-four and she said she wanted to do something special this morning. Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family. The pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her ninety year old grandma. Sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
Carla: Oh, it's so nice to get out. Oh, hey do you know who sings this song?
J.D.: No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it. Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as "Uptown Girl" and "Matter of Trust". And speaking of trust, do you know who's really trustworthy? Turk. I call him Turkey Turkey Turkey Turkey Trust Trust. A little nickname.
Dr. Cox: Just a quick question. Why is it an accident, when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time, it's because I'm not careful enough?
Jordan: Because, I...
Dr. Cox: Oh dear God, you're speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, it's unprecedented. We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!
Elliot: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like, to have an erection for nine hours.
Todd: Ask me in twenty minutes.
Carla: Turk, with everything that's happened I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Turk: Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Carla: Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust, so how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
Turk: My head hurts.
J.D.: You were late the last time.
Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back three hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead five hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
J.D.: But then I set it back forty-three minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside-down to see if it looked like the word Bob, which incidentally, it totally does-
Turk: That's true.
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I've ever seen.
J.D.'s narration: And I must have it.
Dr. Cox: I'd focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high-fiving, head-shaving, air-balling, mole-lipping, insulin-needing existence, which I guarantee you will come to an abrupt very unnatural end.
Turk: That was a thick bush.
J.D.: Oh really Turk? Was that a thick bush? Because there's berries in my ass!
Janitor: Hey, all my pictures were in there! Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family!
Jordan: Jack's fine, but the doctor said if the cut was four inches to the left and seven inches deeper, it could have potentially scratched his eye.
Dr. Cox: That was a close one.
Janitor: Heh, Photoshop, you can do anything. (Holds up a photo) Here I have you wearing a ducks bill. Get it? Because you're a quack! Get it? Classic comedy my friend.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what events would unfold if Jordan actually were to see that picture? It's a heart-wrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin who plays for the New England Patriots and me having the Superbowl ring removed from my oesophagus.
"The Churchills - Everybody Gets What They Deserved" was a MAJOR theme used in Spin City for a kind of love theme between Mike (Michael J. Fox) and Nikki (Connie Britton) used in the Season Three Episode "Internal Affairs" and the Season Four Finale "Goodbye Part 2", Bill Lawrence of course was the Exec Producer on Spin City.
The title of this eppisode, Our Lips Are Sealed was the name of a song by the Go-Go's and was later redone by Hilary and Hailie Duff.
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