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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
Dr. Todd Quinlan
When Carla and Billy (Colin Farrell) nearly kiss, Turk calls out baby, when they nearly kiss a second time, both Turk and J.D. call her baby. While this is what Turk always calls Carla, J.D. wouldn't call her that.
In the scene where Billy is forced by J.D. and Turk to talk about "Lucky Charms", when J.D. and Turk high-five, you can clearly see that Donald and Zach miss hitting each other's hands.
"Today" by Josh Radin
In this episode Dr. Kelso says he got a vasectomy in 1968 and he said that he was already married to his wife Enid. But, in season 4 he says that he graduated from Stanford in '68. And earlier in the series he said that he wasn't married until he became a doctor.
Carla: Where have you been?
Dr. Cox: Fishing.
Carla: You hate fishing.
Dr. Cox: I went with my friends.
Carla: You don't have friends.
Dr. Cox: All righty, let's go for the hat-trick, there, doc.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Jordan: Hey, doc! Zip it, grip it, and snip it!
Jerry: When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day like he lives every day of his life.
J.D.: Dead people don't talk, Jerry.
J.D.: Well, hey, we're sorry about the whole incarceration thing.
Billy: No worries. Life's too short to hold a grudge. But still, you two boys might want to ask yourselves why you contacted the authorities but didn't have the decency to come and talk to me first. But I should let you two "partners" figure that out. By the way, you're a gorgeous couple. Good luck to ya.
J.D.'s Narration: My partner and I - yeah, I said it - we had heard that Billy was back, and he was mad.
Billy: I warned ya!
J.D.: What the hell happened?
Billy: He woke up and said something snarky, so I popped him again!
Jordan: Okay, now that we're being all open and honest?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Jordan: I do not want to have any more kids. I think you should get the vasectomy!
Dr. Cox: Fantastic.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, let me talk for a second. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my T.V. screen. And I... I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.
Jordan: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I-I really do. I want to talk about things. Not-not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don't want to talk about everything. For instance I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a-as a family. And I know... I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says "I want to be a couple that communicates more openly."
Dr. Cox: Jordan? Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this? I, honest to God, I don't get it. I mean, normally you'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course, and then you'd come right back here just swinging for the fences.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you to what I like to call the "seedless grapes club."
J.D.'s Narration: "Dorian" isn't hard to hear over the phone. But I didn't really want to talk about it with Turk. When you have a problem with someone, you tend to talk to everyone except them.
Dr. Cox: I went behind Jordan's back and got my junk rewired. She was sweet to me. Sweet, Bobbo. What the hell do you make of that?
Elliot: Carla thinks she's so tough, you know? She's "been around the block." She's "from the block." Enough about the block! It's not my fault my family had an orchard.
Carla: For four years I've had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems. "My parents are too rich." "I slept with J.D. again." "Why can't I gain any weight?" I have problems of my own! I'm from the block!
Jerry: I wanted to help her, I just wish she could've heard me.
Carla: Okay, Jerry, you're out.
Turk: Well, Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it - you got your arm around Carla.
Elliot: My hand is stuck in this rat's nest that she calls hair!
Carla: Dye job!
Laverne: Got it! But, Chopstick, you're gonna have to buy a new watch. And Carla, you may wanna borrow some of my spray-on hair.
Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Carla: We made up.
Janitor: No they didn't... Chop bustin'. And doc dustin'.
Turk: Billy, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Billy: Lads, it was an accident, right? He threw the first punch, then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head on the bar. Now, listen, where I come from, you knock someone unconscious, you stay around, you make sure they're okay. Right? So, guess what? I won't be leaving.
J.D.: Well, then, you're gonna have to deal with me and my partner. I mean, like, my-my partner, not like my-my "partner".
Elliot: Besides, I don't need to go to a waving seminar to know that this wave is internationally known as "I am a married woman whose self esteem has plummeted because nobody looks at me anymore, and so I'm acting like a desperate hussy."
Carla: Oh, snap! Did you just call me a hussy!?
Elliot: Desperate hussy!
They grip each other's hair and start screaming.
Todd: Oh, whoa, whoa! Ladies, stop!
He takes a front-row seat.
Elliot: Why are you waving? You're married.
Carla: So what? Married people can't wave now?
Elliot: You can wave like this. You can't wave like this: Mmm.
Carla: I didn't know you were a waving expert. What plans of ours did you flake on to go to that waving seminar?
Elliot: Oh, why are you asking me? Did you forget?! You big plan forgetter.
Jordan: And why are you limping?
Dr. Cox: Fishing? I'm limping from fishing.
Dr. Kelso: I know that limp.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Bob, no.
Dr. Kelso: You just got a vasectomy! I had mine done back in '68. Ironically, that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
Dr. Cox: I didn't just get a vasectomy.
Dr. Kelso: Come on, soldier! If I have to force you to drop your pants, I will! So, tell Bobbo, was it a hard decision for the two of you to make?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we... we really... struggled... with it.
Dr. Kelso: I don't really care.
Dr. Cox: What, uh, what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
Jordan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the 'frigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're twenty years old - don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys. Although I did move them into my new... pajama closet! And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore.
Billy is making out with Elliot.
Elliot: He said my eyes look like the Irish countryside after a soft rain. Ahem. I should go.
J.D.: That happened very quickly.
Turk: Don't even sweat it. It's Elliot. She's desperate!
Billy is about to make out with Carla.
Carla: What? What? I wasn't gonna do anything! He said my hair was curly.
Billy: Your hair is curly.
Billy: Go travelin' to Texas, you know? Go line dancing with some married women that wish they weren't married. You never know what life would put in your lap when you open your arms and embrace it!
J.D.: "You'll be surprised what'll fall in your lap if you open up and embrace life..."
Billy: Enough about me. What about you lads, you know, saving lives here all day every day? Out at night, givin' out a lash, tearin' it up? You do go out at night, don't ya?
J.D.: We tear it.
Turk: And-and-and sometimes lash, but with the hours we work, it's...
J.D.: It's less tearing and more folding.
J.D.: Gently folding.
Turk: Come on, Billy, just say it.
Billy: For the last time, lads: no.
J.D.: Oh, then perhaps you're not really Irish.
Billy: FINE! Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.
J.D.: See! I told ya!
J.D. & Turk: Yeah!
J.D.: He's Irish!
Turk: Yeah he is, yeah he is!
Billy: How long're you two seeing each other? You're a great couple.
J.D.: Ohh, no, man, we're just living together. And not like, like, livin' together, I mean, like, liiiivin' together!
Elliot: So... you just forgot we even had plans?
Carla: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
Elliot: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
Janitor: But do you? Do you really? Bustin' chops.
Elliot: Fine! At least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
Elliot: Carla... I'm so bummed. I can't go see the chamber orchestra tonight - I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel, but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
Carla: Hey! If I accidentally put beer cubes in my orange juice again, there's gonna be trouble. I almost got a D.U.I. because of you guys!
J.D.'s Narration: I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically. Hey, man, you wanna do something tonight?
Turk: Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch some TV. We got any beer?
J.D.: I think I used the last of it to make our special party ice.
J.D.: The epi isn't working, I still don't have a rhythm. The transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing. Pupils are fixed and dilated; I'm calling it. Time of death: 9:17.
Jerry: I always thought that when I died I'd see a bright light or float above the ground. Turns out death is pretty mundane. I guess sometimes the end... is just the end.
J.D.: For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead! Okay? Now go back to your room!
Dr. Cox: Whatta you say we head into the bathroom of this place and lower the health code rating from an A to a B? Whatta you say?
J.D.'s Narration: Unlike Elliot and Carla, when Turk and I made plans we kept them.
Turk: It's 10 o'clock. You ready?
J.D.: Let's do it.
J.D. and Turk both stand up and swap seats
J.D.'s Narration: But lately for us, our plans rarely involved leaving the apartment.
Turk: I wasn't too excited about taking over this spot after you sat in it for twenty minutes, but I gotta tell ya, it's warm in all the right places.
Turk: How do you like what I left you over there?
J.D.: Oh, man, your ass indentation is so deep, it's like I'm sitting in a giant inner tube.
Elliot: Oh my God, I love Pachelbel!
Carla: We can go right after...
J.D.'s Narration: Carla and Elliot were going through their weekly ritual of making plans they were never going to keep.
Carla: We should have dinner beforehand.
J.D.'s Narration: And since Turk knew these were fake plans, he used the opportunity to score bonus points with his wife. Classic husbanding.
Turk: Hey, baby! You know what? Forget dinner - I'll make you a homemade picnic basket.
Carla: I married an amazing man.
Turk: You sure did! You know what? I've got an even better idea. Maybe J.D. and I can both come - right? - we'll wear sport coats, and you guys, beautiful dresses!
Elliot: Oh my God, I love that idea!
Carla: I love it. I love it. It's awesome. It's awesome!
J.D.'s Narration: To be perfectly honest, so did I. I never get an opportunity to wear my houndstooth sports coat.
J.D.'s Narration: My "me time" hand!
J.D.'s Narration: Being a great doctor isn't just about medical knowledge, it's also about people skills.
J.D.: Wow, that is the worst broken nose I have ever seen.
Woman: I'm here because I stepped on a nail.
J.D.: Of course.
J.D.'s Narration: Were you walking on your nose?
Billy: I'm supposed to be in Florence by midnight.
Turk: How the hell are you going to do that?
Billy: Her apartment is two blocks away. Should be no problem at all.
Billy: Lads, you'll sleep enough when you're dead and buried. You have to get out on the streets. You have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer for breakfast. Take the ugliest girl home from the party.
J.D.: Done it! Done that... that one I've done.
J.D.: Ohh, you think scaring people's funny, huh?! Well, good! Because you're dying!
Turk: John Dorian, you are a doctor!
J.D.: Well, he started it!
Jordan: What kind of guy writes love songs?
Dr. Cox: Guys whose mothers make them go to ballet class.
Jordan: Fair enough.
Jordan: What the hell happened to you?
Dr. Cox: I got them to reverse the vasectomy.
Jordan: What an incredibly normal thing to do!
Carla: Yo, who taught you how to fight like that?
Elliot: When you grow up in an orchard, you don't have much choice... Apple thieves.
Elliot: I'm glad Billy's gone. He's such a jerk. He kept calling me "bonny."
Carla: "Bonny" means "pretty."
Elliot: Oh, my God! I will never love like that again!
Jordan: You know what, I'd love to stay and chat, but if we're late for ballet, Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom and then he'll pee in his tights.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, my son is taking...is taking ballet? Come on, Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp. If we stick him in the tights, well, we might as well just go ahead and get him a timeshare on Fire Island.
J.D.: He put a guy in the hospital; that's a felony. And as doctors we're supposed to report him.
Turk: Are you trying to convince me to do something that you already did? 'Cause you know that drives me crazy!
J.D.: No! This is a decision we both need to make! Together! As a team, as a unit!
Turk: All right, fine, let's call the cops.
J.D.: Thank God.
Policeman: Hello, gentlemen. We got a call about a felony from a Dr. Turk?
J.D.: "Turk"'s easier to hear over the phone.
Billy: How you doing?
Jerry: Not great, actually. I'm dead.
Billy: Bummer. How long?
Jerry: Four years next month.
Billy: Geez, that's a nightmare. I was dead once, for about ten minutes. Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
Billy: It's quite a sight to wake up to.
Carla: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
Dr. Cox: Deep-sea fishing.
Carla: You hate fishing.
Dr. Cox: Went with my buddies.
Carla: You don't have any buddies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well, we landed a two hundred pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
Janitor: Interesting. 'Cause that's three thousand miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm. Well, perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
Dr. Cox: Why!?
Janitor: I'm bustin' chops today. You can ask anybody.
Carla: It's true.
Carla: Ohh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this!
Janitor: Really? 'Cause about five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
Carla: Why would you do that to me?
Janitor: New thing: I'm bustin' chops.
Billy: I'll just put it out there, do it as a favor, is there any chance I could get one of these filled with Guinness? I've an awful hangover, me head is split, we had a late night last night, as you can see, and I'm a bit shaky. Is there any chance?
J.D.: Probably not. We don't usually do that.
Billy: Oh. Okay.
Cox: You look so hot. When's the last time we kissed?
Jordan: About a month ago.
Cox: When's the last time we had sex?
J.D.'s Narration: As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun.
J.D.: Hey that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
Billy: Oh yeah! Got this snuck on a plane, thought I was going to Belgium ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe, where the males go through adolescence, they get this tattoo. It means Alias.
J.D.: Oh, why Alias?
Billy: It's their favorite show.
J.D. & Turk: Ohhhhh.
Billy: I'm only kidding, I don't know what it means.
Leprechaun Turk: Top of the mizzle to you my lizzle.
Laverne: You have ONE DAY to get us another gorgeous irishman.
Todd: ONE DAY. (weird looks from JD and Turk) What? The Todd appreciates hot, regardless of gender.
Dedicated "In loving memory of Teddy Ebersol"
Teddy, Christa Miller's cousin and son of Dick Ebersol & Susan Saint James, was killed in a plane crash Nov. 28, 2004.
Billy: "Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers."
This is a reference to the marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal. Lucky the leprechaun usually says it in commercials.
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