Scrubs Season 5 Episode 20

Janitor: I tell you when I first suspected that he was gay. It was very subtle but...
JD: Oh, yeah, Dale. This is totally gonna bring out your pecs. Plus I'm using olive oil so I can lick it off later. Make 'em dance. Oh, they're dancing! Somebody is making them dance! Owie! Weeee!

Dave Bradford: Yeah, this will do.
JD: Oh, what the hell. I can live with one kidney.
Dr. Cox: Because we probably just, huh... just go and sell this one. (JD plummets)
JD: Stay away from my organs!

Dr. Cox: Newbie, you are like a sandwich.
JD: I do feel like a sandwich.
Dr. Cox: Ya feel more like a pastry. A very doughy pastry. I don't feel good about that. Way too easy!

Dr. Cox: As I lie in bed each morning I ask myself, why should I put both my feet on the floor? There are precious few reasons that I've ever been able to come up with. Chance to escape Jordan's morning breath? Sure. Scotch? It's too early to drink it, yes. But people, is never too early to think about. And of course, the ever present possibility that I might finally happened upon Hugh Jackman and be able to give him the present that I've been holding for him: BAM! Still, the most persuasive argument that I've ever been able to come up with is the fact that I come here, this hospital, every day and help keep people alive.
Turk: That's ironic, as four people just died while you were talking.

Dave Bradford: And so begins another round of who had the worst dad. One of my pop's nicknames for me was 'Sparky' because he liked to light matches off my neck.
Dr. Cox: We've been over this before. You win on the account that your father is not dead yet.

JD: One of those emergencies, I should probably go too. How are things? (grabs trail mix)
Jill: Hmmm...
Rebecca: You know that's stealing?
JD: Oh, come on, Rebecca. Everybody is doing it. I won't tell anyone if you don't.
Rebecca: Security!
JD: Security?
Rebecca: We've got a grazer.
JD: I don't think there's a security force... Ok, hey fellas!
Jill: Where are you taking him? Take me too! Haha no, you go ahead.
JD: (getting dragged out of the store) Where is the shaving cream, is that aisle 2 still?

Carla: Todd!
Todd: What?
Carla: Stop it.
Elliot: The whole point of coming to strip your sexuality was to accept yourself and stop being that guy.
Todd: I'm sorry, this whole change is just scaring me. I'm not sure who I am anymore.
Carla: Come here.
Elliot: Aww, get over here, sweetie. I know, let it out.
Carla: We are here for you.
Elliot: Changes can be...
Carla: WOAH!!!
Elliot: What the hell are you doing?!
Todd: Motorboating! You know, I really have to thank you gals for outing me. Chicks dig gay dudes.

Dr. Cox: I don't get it, I don't get it. That makes no sense.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, the autopsy just came in on your donor Jill Tracy. She didn't die of an overdose.
JD's Narration: And just like that, whatever burden of responsability I felt was lifted. But like I said before, good news for one person can mean bad news for another.
Dr. Cox: She died of rabies? (short silence) Ok, people. All of our transplant patients are infected, we now know what we are dealing with in here. Let's get involved and we can do this.

Elliot: We know about your...
Carla: Situtation.
Elliot: You are hiding from yourself.
Carla: Stop hiding, Todd.
Elliot: We accept you.
Carla: No matter who you love.
Todd: The Todd's confused.

Elliot: You're fine. We are doing this.
Turk: Does this sound fine to you? (cracks neck)
Janitor: I can fix that, buddy. On the count of three: 1, 2...
Turk: Owww-hhh!
Janitor: Better?
Turk: No. (collapses)
Janitor: You owe me five hundred dollars.

Turk: Leave the Todd alone, ok? Because everytime you two meddle, you know who suffers? Me! Remember when the Janitor took that chiropractor class and you wanted to encourage him? (flashback) Guys, huh... I'm really not comfortable with this.
Janitor: No, no, calm down. You'll be fine. I've already done this on four mopheads, alright? I haven't gotten a complaint yet.

Jill: I was thinking there was like a 50 percent chance that the guy who blew me off yesterday just got his day as wrong as would be here waiting with roses. Is that sad?
JD: Is not not sad.

J.D.'s narration: We did all we could over the next few days to keep the transplant patients going but odds were against us. First we lost Mrs. Sykes. And then Mr. Jenson. And I knew Dr. Cox needed me the exact same way that I needed him earlier.

J.D.: Hey, hungry?
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: I guess that lunch was kinda a one time thing, huh?...There's no way you could've seen that coming. I mean, rabies? Come on, there's like three reported cases a year. In fact testing for it, would have been irresponsible...you would have wasted time that people didn't have.
Dr. Cox: I was obsessed with getting those organs.
J.D.: You had to be, the fact is that those people were gonna die in a number of hours and you had to make a call...I would've made the same call.
Dr. Cox: Yeah?
J.D.: Yes. Anyway, I got us lunch and I think we should eat it.
J.D.'s narration: Right then, I knew I was gonna pull him outta this. But unfortunately, sometimes the hospital picks a day where it's just gonna pile it on.
(Their pagers beep)
Dr. Cox: Oh god...come on.

Dr. Cox: God. Could this be anymore of a nightmare?
Jill: Guys!
J.D.'s narration: Yes. It could be more of a nightmare. Jill Tracy was a former patient that had once tried to kill herself. Sad, yes. But this did not change the fact that she was unbelievable annoying.
Jill: Oh, my god. What are you doing here? I was supposed to meet a guy for a date. I know what you are thinking: a Tuesday lunch in a supermarket, he is so not into her. Well, he is not! (J.D. and Dr. Cox fake laugh) I waited like an hour, just thinking: How many more guys can totally reject me without saying 'enough'? You know. So, would you like to get some lunch.
J.D.: Oh, we have to get back to the hospital
Dr. Cox: You know what, Newbie? Stay, have lunch. (Runs quickly out of the store)

Mrs.Tracy: You can have her organs.
J.D.: Thank you
Mrs.Tracy: Just tell me one thing, is there anything that anyone could have done?
J.D.: No.
J.D.'s narration: Unless you mean me.

J.D.: You know what I was thinking the whole time I was with Jill?
Dr. Cox: No,what?
J.D.: God, this girl is annoying.

Dr. Cox: Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren't your fault, my friend... that's a slippy slope that you can't come back from it. Trust me, I've seen it ruin a hell a lot of good doctors, and I will not let it happen to you.
J.D.'s narration: And because he said that...I know it wouldn't.

Dr. Cox: So, now, Davey boy, I promise you we're going to find you a kidney. I would literally swear on my father's grave but whenever I go there I usually just end up dancing on it.

J.D.: Remember what you told me? The second you start blaming yourself for peoples' deaths there's no coming back.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you're right.

Todd: Hey Mickhead! Is that package for me? You know it is!
Turk: You ladies must be so proud.
Elliot: Todd, what are you doing?
Todd: I'm getting my gay-on. Hey buddy, you and I should totally have sex sometime.
Turk: See, I knew this was going to come back to me.

Surgeon: Todd, you were impressive in surgery today.
Todd: Thanks man! You were really impressive in the shower this morning. You know, dong wise.

Todd: Hey Lisa! I heard you lied and said we didn't do it. Admit it. We doinked.
Lisa: I was sad because my Dad died.
Todd: I wasn't!

Dr. Kelso: Just because I can't hear your silly-ass whispering doesn't mean I'm old. As a matter of fact, I'm going to go over to my office and tinker with my new computer.
Turk: Ooh, what kind is it?
Dr. Kelso: It's about 3:30.

Elliot: Oh my god, he looks so sad.
Carla: I just want to hold him like a big, gay baby.
Turk: This is incredible, an hour ago you hated him!
Carla: An hour ago he wasn't our new, gay best friend!

Gloria: Todd? Is he the big black security guard with the hook-hand?
Elliot: Uhm.. No..
Gloria: Then no.

Dr. Cox: I dole out compliments, at most, once a year and, like a squirrel, you must gather up these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.

Carla: Hey, how could your intern Lisa sleep with him?
Elliot: She is a tramp with no morals.
Lisa: I didn't sleep with The Todd.
Elliot: Lisa is sweet and people just don't give her a chance.

Elliot: Hey, what did you do last night?
Carla: Turk made me watch "Anaconda" with him.
Elliot: Oh is that the one with the giant snake?
Todd: No. (Points to himself) This is the one with the giant snake. I was back here for 45 minutes waiting for a setup. My back is killing me, but I nailed it. It is about commitment.

Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey J.D., if you go out would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here. People think I just luck into these situations but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.