Scrubs Season 7 Episode 8

Elliot: I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out. I feel horrible.
Dr. Kelso: Aw, sweetheart, you should. It's your fault.
Elliot: Look. I'll talk to the board. I am so great at changing people's minds. My best friend in college thought he was gay, but I totally convinced him that he was into women. After that, he had a ton of girlfriends. Until senior year, when he hung himself.
Dr. Kelso: Why is it that so many of your stories end with "and then he hung himself"?
Elliot: Bad luck, I guess.

Janitor: What I need is an investigative reporter, yeah? Somebody who is bland enough and insignificant enough that he'd be listening in on a private conservation, get the secrets, but no one would even notice he was there.
Ted: I'll do it.
Janitor: You've been sitting there this whole time?
Ted: No. First I was in your chair, then you sat on my lap, remember? I said "excuse me", and you said "get up and sit over there". And I did. Right? And... Hey, Janitor!
Janitor: Ooh! Hey, Ted.

Janitor: Listen, guys. It's come to my attention that nobody around here cares what we think.
Doug: Tell me about it. Like I thought it'd be cute if down in the morgue we got Hello Kitty toe tags. You know, for the dead kids. But no!
Janitor: Exactly. Sorta.

Dr. Kelso: Anybody have an idea how we can calm down the clientèle when we're this backed up?
Janitor: You know what would work? Duck pond. Right here.
Dr. Kelso: I can't believe I've never said this to you. Nobody cares what you think.