Scrubs Season 1 Episode 2

J.D.: So, yes. As of now, you have no signs of cancer.
Will: Wow! Who rules? Will rules.
J.D.: Will, it's important you realise this isn't great news.
Will: Are you sure? 'Cause that's how it first hit me.

Turk: (About Carla) I'm not really interested in her.
Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love.
(Turk starts looking threatingly to Todd)
J.D.'s narration: Maybe he's a little interested.
Todd: Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.

Turk: (Referring to Elliot in their apartment.) Hey, dude, why is she here all the time?
J.D.: God! Just give her a chance, man.
Turk: Oh! You want to hit that.
J.D.: No!
Turk: Yeah!
J.D.: She's just a friend. I think it's healthy, hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex. You know?
Turk: I'm not following.

Turk: I'm telling ya, Kelso didn't even ask, and she gave you full credit.
Carla: I don't care. Too little, too late. Plus, I know why you're really here. So, I'm gonna park myself right here in the "V.I.P. section," so you can give me what'cha got.
Turk: I was gonna tell you how I busted J.D.'s chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl. And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are, how well you carry yourself, how I'd give anything just to wake up in the morning and watch you read the paper. But instead, I think you should hop off your broom for a second, try and remember what it was like when you first started here, and give Elliot a break. Because she may be a chore, but she is a good person. Your ass looks especially fine today.
Carla: Pick me up tomorrow at seven.
Turk: She's not the only one that can do a speech. I can do a speech.

Elliot: Look, Turk, I know that I don't always make the best first impression...or second, for that matter. Anyway, I'd like us to be friends, and I thought, you know, maybe I could get to know you a bit better...see what you're about, uh, for instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?
Turk: That's my mom.
Elliot: ...I like her freckles!

Dr. Cox: Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake, but, by God, those tears are real!

J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, I know I'm being annoying. But I-I'm really getting used to talking to patients. I mean, this is why I became a doctor; right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard "I know I'm being annoying," and then...white noise.

Carla: Come on. Out with it.
Turk: Don't rush me! I mean...you shouldn't be impatient with what I think is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Carla: Mmm. Okay, so I'm gonna go sit down because, you're so sexy, my knees are weak.
Turk: Really?

Turk: I'm nervous, man. Why am I nervous?
Todd: Todd's your wing-man, buddy. I will not leave your side. Hey, baby.
Carla: Keep moving, frat boy.
Todd: You got it.

J.D.: Dr. Cox; I got, uh, Will's CT results back. No cancer! So, uh, what should I tell him?
Dr. Cox: I'd open with that.

Elliot: Uh, Dr. Kelso! You're the Chief of Medicine, is there a 'special' way to communicate with the nursing staff that I'm not getting?
Dr. Kelso: Well, uh, sugar won't work because they're already so sweet. Now, listen Dr...Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you tattled yesterday, I responded - I feel closer to you than ever, really - but the ramifications are yours. So don't try to drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that God-awful bunch of malcontents. I hope you all kill each other! Have a great day, ladies.

Turk: I'm thinking about asking Carla out today. What do you think?
J.D.: I think the janitor's out to get me.
Turk: Wow. Thank you so much for your help. You know what? Why don't you be just a little bit more paranoid?

J.D.'s narration: I never really know what to say to Turk's stupid surgery buddies. But I'm getting better.
J.D.: So...how's surgery?
Todd: It rocks...but my bedroom, that's where I really operate! Am I right? Come on, show Todd some love!
J.D.'s narration: I hate showing Todd love.

Elliot: Your dog is creepy.
J.D.: Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.

J.D.'s narration: The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years, I thought I lost my watch 'cause I can't remember which wrist it's on.

Dr. Cox: How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day... really.
Will: Eleven. Now you don't know where I'm coming from!
(Cox whistles threateningly)
Will: Two or three packs.
Dr. Cox: Well, let's hear it...
J.D.: Oh, I don't smoke, so...zero packs!
Carla: What tests have you ordered?
J.D.: Oh. I know, I was just totally kidding with you.
Will: He was...we're all in on it.

Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lap-dog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: I'm not your lap-dog.
Dr. Cox: Hey you, back there, what do we do with lap-dogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this!

Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing; and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no". So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"...but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say you're out of my dog house. That was a great catch on that patient with meningoccocus.
Elliot: Well, that actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have fallen back into my good graces, and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble! I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you!

Dr. Cox: Say anything else to him?
J.D.: Nope.
Dr. Cox: But you wanted to.
J.D.: Yeah, but you told me not to!
Dr. Cox: Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Lookit, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.
(J.D. feels so frustrated his head explodes)
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on, you look ridiculous.

Dr. Cox: Would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. (Addressing his friends who have just walked in the door) Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. (Turning back to J.D.) Just ignore them, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

Dr. Cox: You are to return that umbrella to me at the hospital. Not here. Is that clear?
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie...know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves, newbie. We just treat 'em. We're gonna treat that kid with a respiratory problem, and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that too.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the pick-me-up.
Dr. Cox: Hey. Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is, if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well...you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now come here and give me a hug. It's okay, come here. Come here. Get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.
Dr Cox's friend: I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: I'll take the beer. You'll beat it.

J.D.: I ordered blood cultures and a high-resolution CT.
Will: What are you looking for?
Dr. Cox: Cancer.
J.D.'s thoughts: When you say the word "cancer," every person reacts the same way.
Will: Excellent.
J.D.'s thoughts: Not like that.
(Will faints)
J.D.'s thoughts: There it is.

J.D.: So, I still can't figure out why Dr. Cox tore me a new one today.
Turk: Oh, man, enough already. He's a jerk.
Elliot: He's a jerk.
Doug: He's a jerk.
Dr. Kelso: He's a jerk.
Janitor: You're a jerk.
Carla: He's just Dr. Cox.

J.D.: Will, the pneumonia patient, I got him to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Forever?
J.D.: Yuh-huh!
Dr. Cox: No "last one"? 'Cause the last ones are better than sex, trust me, I've had about a thousand of 'em.

J.D.'s narration: When you really lock in with a mentor, you start to understand the meaning behind their words.
Dr. Cox: You do whatever you want.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Great idea!"
Dr. Cox: I'm, I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "You're really coming along as a doctor."
Dr. Cox: Don't. Ever. Touch me.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Don't ever touch him".

Elliot: Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I'm in the hospital going door to door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness. Oh. You're not?
Turk: No. But my mother is.
J.D.: He's black, too. You should tease him about that.