Scrubs Season 6 Episode 1

J.D.: Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?
Janitor: Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.
J.D.'s narration: As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience.

Dr. Cox: Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited. Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub.

Janitor: Say, since we're small talking, let me-let me ask you a question: Do you have any... regrets about the way you lived your life? 'Cause I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?

Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.
Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.

Dr. Cox: Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast. This is an anger-free zone. There's no anger here.

Dr. Cox: Space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?
Elliot: Hey, let's try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don't want to scare them.
Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?
Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Elliot: Oops, Jakie. Somebody's got a little smudgie on his face... There you go.

Kim: Hey.
Turk: Hey.
Kim: You seen J.D.?
J.D.: (hiding in Turk's car, shakes his head "no")
Turk: I have not.
Kim: Any idea where he is?
J.D.: (makes various hand signs)
Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
J.D.'s narration: I can't believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!

Mr. Slydell: My anger not only cost me my health, it also cost me my job, my marriage... it cost me damn near everything.
Dr. Cox: You're killing me.

J.D.'s narration: As I thought about how Mrs. Zeebee and I had gotten such a raw deal, I realized how easy it was for doctors to see themselves in their patients.

J.D.: Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire. And, uh, even though I never got a chance to enter... "the village"... uh, there was a..."airstrike" on one of the outlying regions-
(Turk bursts out in a maniacal laugh. Carla pulls his ear to stop him)
Turk: Thank you.
J.D.: Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OB-G, and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Turk: What you trying to tell us is that you... never actually had sex with her?
J.D.: No, I didn't have a condom. And, uh, we decided not to have sex because - here's the kicker - I didn't want to get her pregnant.
(Turk, Carla, and Elliot start laughing)
Turk: Oh, no you didn't!

J.D.: You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, and it hasn't even fazed Kim.
Kim: Okay, let's, uh, close her up.
Nurse: Dr. Briggs? Why are you crying?
Kim: This song always gets me... My brother was killed by a funky cold medina.

Janitor: Okay, what if... I get a sex-change operation, and I trick him into marrying me?
Mr. O'Neil: But if it doesn't work, you'll just be an older, fairly ugly, janitor woman.
Janitor: That's true.

Keith: Ted, I... I got the cola. Did you get the Pop Rocks?
Ted: No, the vending machine was out, so I went to the generic store and got some "Fizzy Pebbles."
Keith: Sure we should do this?
Ted: I'm sick of legends and hearsay, Keith! I have to know!

Carla: Mr. Slydell here is suffering from peptic ulcer disease and hypertension - two conditions you'll often see in very angry people.
Dr. Cox: Now, now, you don't know that this gentleman is angry.
Mr. Slydell: Damn it! Why won't this TV go on!?
(He hurls the remote across the room)
Carla: That was the bed remote.

Dr. Cox: Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya. I mean, God's sake, he could run all day.

Turk: So get this: My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs!
Patient: When am I going in to surgery?
Turk: Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.

Jordan: Perry? What the hell? I just got a call from Jack's school. Apparently they served spaghetti for lunch, so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback. We're having a second baby. You need to deal with your anger issues.
Dr. Cox: I don't have any anger issues.
Female Intern: Dr. Cox, I'm sorry, but my asthma... is really... starting... to...
Dr. Cox: GET OUTTA HERE!
Jordan: Seriously?

Dr. Cox: That's it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop... Think I'm kidding? Shyah! Shyah! Shyah shyah shyah! Shyah!

Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out - which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time." Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I'm here, and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.
Male Intern: Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?

J.D.: Whatever. I'm-I-I-I'm not saluting a pole!
Janitor: And so it begins... again.

J.D.: Why didn't you answer your phone when I called you?
Turk: I was dancing.

J.D.: All right! That's enough! I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times, so I have nothing against giant queens per se, all right? In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys... Excuse me.

Dr. Kelso: All right! All right! Now listen! This is a hospital, not a discotheque!

Kim: We can get through this.
J.D.: You know what else is pretty classic - when the coffee guy asks for money, you say, "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos." That always gets 'em.
Kim: Ah, dammit. I have to go to the hospital.
J.D.: Scone is also a-a funny word; but I don't like them, I prefer croissants.
Kim: You're clearly freaking out, so, um, you need to promise me that you're gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I'm gone.
J.D.: Please! I'll be fine. You be careful - you're walking for two!

Kim: It's yours, J.D.
J.D.: Cool.
Kim: Are you okay?
J.D.'s narration: Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!
J.D.: Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.
Kim: Said the father of my unborn child. Heh!... That was a joke. Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
J.D.: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.

J.D.: Uh, Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this, so I'm just gonna dive right in: Have there been other penises?

Turk: I'm downloading 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye." When that bad boy starts a-jumpin', I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it. I'm bringing it back.
Elliot: Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?

Turk: Yo, Elliot... what's your ringtone?
Elliot: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Todd: I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true.

Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Jack: No, I didn't!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!
Jack: Nobody does, Perry!

Turk: Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that?
J.D.: Tell her you hate white chicks. And then when she says, "No you don't," you say, "I mean 'White Chicks' the movie... Not a fan of those Wayans brothers." Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.
Turk: You're right! That'll work. But still, you need to man up and talk to her.

Dr. Cox: I'm not freshly ripping anybody anything anymore. I am done with anger.
Jordan: Oh, is that gonna be like the time you quit drinking? 'Cause that was the longest twenty minutes of my life!

J.D.: Okay, on the night of said conception, uh, Kim and I nuded up, and um...the dirty talk began, and I got a little over-excited.
Turk: Ooooh! She like-a the dirty talk!
J.D.: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices....
Elliot: He does.

Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right, maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues?
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to, by law, remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.

J.D.: (To Mrs. ZeeBee) Trust me, I know what you're going through. Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend--
(Turk pulls J.D. away from Mrs. ZeeBee by the shoulder)
Turk: (To Mrs. ZeeBee) Excuse us!
Turk: (To J.D.) Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.
J.D.: I was trying to!
Turk: You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients!

Jordan: Perry? What the hell? I just got a call from Jack's school. Apparently they served spaghetti for lunch, so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback.

Jordan: Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day!

J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman. (Claps his hands together) Sha-daisy!
(J.D. walks away)
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shadaisy.
Dr. Cox: WHAT??

Janitor: Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life?
Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak-show. If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk!

Mr. O'Neil: You know, you and I are quite a bit alike. I spent most of my life trying to become a lawyer. But I could never get my juris doctorate.
Janitor: How does that make us alike?
Mr. O'Neil: I spent years trying to get that damn J.D.

Dr. Cox: Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! What does this (flicks his workout shirt) outfit tell you?
Dr. Kelso: You are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?

Mr. O'Neil: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never got a chance to do the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
Janitor: Punch a whale?
Mr. O'Neil: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.

J.D.: What if Kim and I don't end up together? I have enough trouble meeting girls as it is. Can you imagine? Hey, I'm J.D., and this little bugger right here already hates you for not being his real mommy. You wanna get freaky? I'm apparently very fertile! My life has changed forever. You wanna be like everybody else and say "everything's gonna be just fine?"
Turk: Dude, I'm your best friend, I'll tell you whatever you want.

J.D.: You have no idea what I'm going through.
Turk: Really, because the last time I checked I was having a kid, too.
J.D.: Yeah, that you planned. With your wife. Whose middle name you know... It's Juanita, Turk! Carla's middle name is Juanita.
Turk: I knew it was something Puerto Rican.

Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on back-order. What do you want me to do in the meantime? Run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof... catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye-patch, go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her water-tight... I could take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: No. I'm a pirate.

Turk: If it isn't my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa.
Carla: Juanita? You think my middle name is "Juanita"?
Turk: I am going to kill J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, this is a bit awkward, but as Chief of Medicine I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs...was she naughty? I bet she was a hellcat.
J.D.: Get help, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Never mind. (Points to his head) It's better up here.