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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Ronny Ramirez
Nurse Laverne Roberts
J.D.'s Narration: I guess you can never underestimate how the smallest gesture can make everything better.
J.D.: You know, for a minute there I actually thought you had a twin brother.
Janitor: Was it when my twin brother was here?
J.D.: Stop it.
Carla: Go ahead, look.
Turk: Really, baby?
Carla: Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.
Elliot: How did you know that he was lying?
Dr. Cox: Well, you said that he wasn't; and as a rule, I always take whatever you say and just go in the exact opposite direction with it. But, more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because... well, lookit, medicine is all about experience. Hell, wouldja... wouldja like to go ahead and have a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?
Dr. Cox: Oh!
Elliot: Why didn't you say something earlier?
Dr. Cox: What, give up my front-row seat to Barbie's Wild Ride? "He's a drug addict! He's not a drug addict! You... make... me... doubt... my...self! You're more interested in being right than doing what's right! And I just couldn't take it! Can't take it anymore!"
J.D.'s Narration: It's even harder when it's the hundredth time.
Dr. Cox: Say it.
Elliot: You're always right.
Dr. Cox: I know! But it is still so nice to hear it.
Janitor: Yuk it up, I don't care. I'm getting the last laugh! 'Cause my brother's waiting for me downstairs, and when these elevator doors open, you'll see, he's gonna be staring right at you two guys.
They all stand there and wait. The elevator arrives and the doors open. No one is there.
Janitor: Okay, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen, but I think we can all agree that this isn't working out, it's costing me a tremendous amount of time and effort, so let's just call it a draw.
Turk: Hell, no! You lost! Live with it!
Carla: But still, what if I want to tell him?
J.D.: Well, that's up to you, isn't it! Gotta go!
He rattles his Mardi Gras beads
Carla: Damn beads.
J.D.: Anyway, I don't think Turk's gonna be as excited about your big date as you are. All right? He definitely won't love the fact that I knew about it. So just... tell him in five years.
Turk: You did what!?
J.D.: Make that twenty years.
Turk: Honey, that was a long time ago... Why are you still living here?
J.D.: Because I've got nowhere else to go!
Carla: I'm gonna go tell Turk.
J.D.'s Narration: Awww, that's great. She's gonna go- Wait, what?
J.D. grabs her before she gets to Turk
J.D.: Whatever you do, don't scream.
Carla: Why would I scream?
J.D.: I don't know. People always said that in the movies.
Carla: I felt nothing for him! How cool is that!
J.D.: I had a dream just like this... except I had a saddle on my back and you were an Indian. Turk was a donkey.
Dr. Ramirez: You know, I have to leave for a lecture tour on Monday, but I'm back the last week in April, so maybe we can get together then.
Carla: I'm getting married April 24th.
Dr. Ramirez: So then our plans would totally interfere with your honeymoon.
Carla: A little bit.
J.D.: Beads, keep me strong!
Turk: Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! You see how Carla is lately. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?
J.D.: I hear they're coming out with a 'Stuart Little 3'.
Turk: Nah, it's on hold. The director dropped out.
Carla: So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?
Dr. Ramirez: Yeah... What was that cute name that you used to call her?
Turk: So I'm supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.
J.D.'s Narration: Stay calm. Turk's never gonna find out about her date.
J.D.'s Narration: AGGH!
Turk: You got a minute to talk?
J.D.: I got lots of time to talk. Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything? Hours to talk. We could talk about our feelings. Wh-what's up?
Elliot: You know what's amazing about you? You have this unbelievable ability to make me doubt myself.
Dr. Cox: I don't think I could possibly make you doubt yourself, ya rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent for being wrong most of the time.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, great! You're getting medication for your pain patient! But, say, why stop there? How's about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills, drive downtown, I'll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just throw fistfuls of 'em right at drug addicts and it'll just be a big happy parade!
Turk: What were you thinking about?
J.D.: What you'd look like if you were Chinese...?
Turk: Me too!
J.D.'s Narration: Hoo! That was lucky!
Carla: Look, I would never do anything inappropriate.
J.D.: Then you won't mind if I tell Turk!
Carla: If you have to, go ahead. But! Then I'll know that we're not as close as I thought!
She rattles her Mardi Gras beads
J.D.: Damn beads...
J.D.: What the hell just happened?
Carla: I don't know! He asked me out to dinner and I said yes! It just came out!
Carla: Look! Everyone thinks it's just guys who get all freaked out before the wedding, but it happens to women too! And Ronnie-
Carla: "Ron." Ron - he's not just some guy, J.D. He's my "what if?" guy. The one I always wondered about, the one I idealized, you know? If I go out with him and I feel nothing, you know how confident I'll feel about Turk?
J.D.: Now I want you to go. You know what that means?
J.D.'s Narration: That she's a sorceress!
Dr. Ramirez: So what do you say?
J.D.'s Narration: And you just hate to see anyone get crushed... Even Dr. Hot Butt.
Carla: Sure! That sounds great!
J.D.'s Narration: I'm sorry, what?
Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Laverne: He was here like eight years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went AMA.
Elliot: What, he just took the drugs and bolted?
Laverne: No... He took some towels, too.
J.D.: Hey, Carla, after you check Mr. Ruck's IV in room 310, can you zip down to the cafeteria and flirt more with Dr. Hot Butt?
Carla: Fine. So I was flirting with him a little. But... I used to have such a crush on the guy! And besides, you flirt sometimes. It's harmless, right?
Flashback to an elevator
Woman: Can I press your button?
J.D.: I don't know... Can I press yours?
The woman starts whacking him with her purse, causing him to fall to the floor, and continues to get beaten
J.D.: Not always harmless.
Roscoe/Janitor: Naghhey! Any sign of my brother? The janitor?
Turk: Dude, there is no way that we'll ever, ever believe this one.
Roscoe/Janitor: Could someone say "keep rockin'"?
Janitor: Hey, either of you guys see my twin brother?... Hey, I asked you a question!
Turk: You're better than this!
J.D.: Yo, if you're captain out there today, pick me first, and then I'll be like, "Dude, we always play together!" Then you can pick who you really wanted to pick, but everyone else will think you wanted to pick me first.
Turk: When do you think of this stuff?
J.D.: Every minute of every day.
Elliot: I don't get it. I've run every single test; I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.
Dr. Cox: Did you run a D-U-H test?
Elliot: What's a "D-U-H"?
Dr. Cox: Uh, duuuuuh! The guy is a drug addict trying to score pain killers.
Elliot: But he refused drugs.
Dr. Cox: Mm! My bad! He is a very clever drug addict.
Dr. Cox:Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom, but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts walking the hospitals every year with their aches, and their pains, and their spasms, and their cramps, and their myalgia, and their neuralgia, and their otalgia, and their every other -algia they can possibly think of just so they can get a fix.
Elliot: Well, I believe in this guy.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to go out on a limb? Sign him in, keep him overnight?
Elliot: You know, Dr. Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? Heh. You haven't done me!
Dr. Cox: Give her a second there, gang.
Elliot: That didn't come out right.
Dr. Cox: Go!
Elliot: Now, I suspect you've got pancreatitis, so we're gonna run some LFTs and do an ultrasound, but in the meantime I am going to prescribe you something for your pain.
Mr. Thompson: No, no, no, no, please. Please, don't sweat it. I'm used to the pain. Besides, my mom is bringing by the kids later, and I figure there should be at least one sober adult in the room.
Elliot's eyes widen, but he quickly buffers starts laughing. She joins in.
Mr. Thompson: No, seriously, she's a drunk.
Elliot: Ew, sorry. Heh.
Mr. Thompson starts laughing again. She joins in.
Elliot: Oh, you!
Mr. Thompson: Stop it.
Carla: Excuse me. I am talking about that man's ass?
Turk: Gotta go.
Carla: You know, 'cause it's such a fine, chiseled, dig-your-fingernails-into-it kinda ass!
Turk: Babe, he probably works out.
Carla: Mm! Mm! MM!
Turk: It's good, isn't it? That's because every time Estelle's working, she puts extra croutons into the stuffing.
J.D.: And yet the salads always suffer...
Carla: So I'm supposed to marry someone who can stare at women for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.
Turk: What the hell are you doing?
"Roscoe"(Janitor wearing a mustache): Me? Nothing, man. Just waiting for my brother to get off work. Maybe you know him! He's a janitor here? My name's Roscoe.
Turk: Why is he doing that?
J.D.: I think he gets bored.
J.D.'s Narration: When you work in a hospital, you can count on an ever-changing roster of new faces. Whether it's the new flower lady who winks too much... or the plastic surgeon who's returned after spending three years fixing cleft palates in third world countries.
Dr. Kelso: So, if any of you are interested in following in the philanthropic footsteps of Dr. Ramirez, he has graciously offered to answer any of your questions.
All the doctors stare at him for a second, then leave
Dr. Kelso: I told you no one would care.
Carla: Turk, how come every time I turn around you're checking out some woman's you-know-what?
J.D.: Tushie parts?
Turk: Thanks for having my back.
Carla: I gotta give Mr. Ingram his meds so, latah!
J.D.: Latah!... That means "I'll be seeing you later."
Dr. Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor car without big daddy sitting right there beside you. Because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed four macrolides and opiates - two medications that I guarantee you are gonna make her nauseous.
Elliot: My patient is fine. And I don't need you to-
A patient is heard throwing up.
Dr. Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting. You may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Oooooh.
J.D.: Your woman wants me so bad, we've developed our own little shorthand with each other... Mornin'!
J.D.: That means "good morning"!
Turk: Buddy, I get that you and Carla have been hanging out a lot, but pretending you're gonna steal her from me makes you seem sad, pathetic, and very lonely.
(Elliot begins to write out the prescription, then stops)
Elliot: There's just...one little problem.
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs! 'Kay, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle: I refused pain killers; I did the "you're the greatest doctor!" bit, which I know you loved; then somewhere between, uh, getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth - which, by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube - I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know if you're watching me" thing! So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor, why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me what the problem is, AND SAY IT!
Elliot: Um... I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work, and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.
Mr. Thompson: Oh... Awesome.
Elliot: So everybody treating you okay?
Mr. Thompson: Yeah! You know, the nurse that does the sponge baths, I wouldn't be shocked if she's killed before... Heeey, sunshine!
Laverne: Why don't you just calm your ass down? You was barely bleeding.
Mr. Thompson: From a bath, woman!
J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing worse than being around two people with a history.
Ron: So did Sherry and Steve ever get married?
Carla: You didn't hear what happened?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Please say you heard.
Dr. Ramirez: No, I didn't!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn you, Ron!
Carla: Steve took a year off to take care of his parents, and while he was gone, Sherry starting seeing Dr. Harding.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Dr. Ramirez: Really!?
Dr. Ramirez: Sherry and Gary?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Carla: Yes! But, that summer, they took a river rafting trip through the Grand Canyon and they both drowned.
J.D.: Oh, thank God!... You know, 'cause they... they both died doing what they loved... Rafting.
Turk: You want my fiancée? Just go ahead and take her, 'cause she's been nagging the crap outta me. "Pick up your socks. Wash your dishes. Stop whispering 'booya' to J.D. in the morning after we have sex."
J.D.: How else am I supposed to know?
Turk: I'm sayin'!
Mr. Thompson: I have to say, with Dr. Reid, here, I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional.
Mr. Thompson: No. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! Why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of Clovaritol?
Dr. Cox: Ohh! Clovaritol is a drug? Now, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have you know that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Elliot: What did the research for Clovaritol say, sir?
Dr. Kelso: When life's not fair at all... use Clovaritol.
Dr. Cox: God, my brilliance is now becoming somewhat of a burden. Get back to me.
Dr. Cox: Check out Barbie bo-hody slamming big Bob! Atta girl!
Elliot: Look, I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around because I'm "little Barbie from Connecticut!" But there is a new toy in town, and her name is Bitch-Slap Barbie!... From Connecticut.
J.D.: Kudos on the nice pooper.
Ron: Thank you.
J.D.: Mine's firm like mutton.
J.D.: Don't you have something to do?
Turk: Dude!? Surgeon.
In this episode J.D. wears a t-shirt that says: "I'm what Willis was talking 'bout".
Alexander Gaberman is the 6th cast member of Spin City to appear on the show.
Originally scheduled for March 23
Writing on J.D.'s t-shirt: I'm what Willis was talking 'bout
Referring to the television sitcom Diff'rent Strokes. In the show Gary Coleman's (Arnold) character had a catch phrase in which he asked his brother Willis (played by Todd Bridges) "What you talking 'bout Willis?"
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