Season 2 Episode 10

My Monster

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Dec 12, 2002 on NBC



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Turk: What'd you page me to the roof for?
      Carla: Well, I was thinking that you work so hard... And that if I want surprise and romance that maybe it's my turn to be the one who brings it. So, I brought us a couple of salads...
      Turk(unenthusiastically): That's great.
      Carla: ...a box of thirty-six hot-wings...
      Turk: Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
      Carla: ...and some blue cheese dressing!
      Turk: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

    • Elliot: Hey.
      J.D.: Is this where you're sleeping tonight?
      Elliot: Yeah, so? It's, uh, it's cozy... Hospital-adjacent.
      J.D.: Elliot! Come on! This is crazy - you're living out of a van like a hobo... or Jewel.
      Elliot: Her poetry changed my life.

    • Turk: I mean, I consider myself a really romantic guy who's just a little stressed out. And I thought the one person who'd understand that would be Carla.
      Dr. Cox: You know what the weird thing is, is that I'm actually trying this time.
      Turk: I just wonder if I'm what she really wants.
      Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I'll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
      J.D.: My peep's on the fritz.
      Turk: Dude!
      Dr. Cox: Oh, poor Newbie.
      J.D.: No, no! No, no, no, no! No, I'm talking about you guys! 'Cause y-y-y-you guys are like-you guys are like my peeps, you're my dawgs, and you on the fritz. So, there-that's where I get "peeps"/"fritz" came from.
      Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie. Thank you for... giving me some perspective.

    • Dr. Cox: Okay. I'm going to engage you two in a conversation. And you speak of it to no one, agreed?
      J.D.: Okay...?
      Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I'm starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to sit here and count up all the women I've ever slept with...
      Turk: Twelve.
      J.D.: Nine.
      Dr. Cox: Eighteen. But not one of them ever really understood me.

    • J.D.'s Narration: You never expect a cliché to be an actual conversation starter.
      Turk: Women! Huh?
      Dr. Cox: Tell me about it.
      J.D.: It's like they're from another planet!

    • Carla: Don't let him get to you! Just keep saying positive things to yourself.
      Elliot: It's too much! I'm just one person!
      Carla: Atta girl!

    • Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! I have no reading material for my daily post-lunch...well, let's just call it "reading session." I need your research proposal. Or a Vanity Fair if you have one.
      Elliot: Dr. Kelso, if I could just get... a little more time on that-
      Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm fresh out of special treatment today. I used it all trying not to stare at that albino doctor down in Radiology.

    • Jordan: Listen, Perry, shockingly, I'm not really looking to make the permanent move to your little bachelor cave over there at Swingers Towers. What happened is, is you made a kind gesture, and I made the mistake of thinking you could follow actually through with it.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Luckily for me, I had a friend I could talk to about anything.
      J.D.: Hey, Turk. Do you ever have any trouble getting your manhood going?
      Turk: Hell, no!
      J.D.: Heh, heh. Me neither, dawg!

    • Lisa: So you think you're in, huh?
      J.D.: Oh, come on, I am so in.
      Lisa: Come on, you can't be sure.
      J.D.: No, I feel pretty good about it. You want me.
      Lisa: I don't!
      J.D.: Uh, yeah, I'm a doctor; all the symptoms are there - you do.

    • J.D.: I had a really good time tonight.
      Lisa: I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous when you spent the first five minutes talking through a napkin.
      J.D.: Oh, that wasn't me - that was Nappy, The Ice-Breaking Puppet.
      Lisa: Oh!
      J.D.: That little guy earned his money tonight.

    • Turk: Oh, hell yeah!... Did I fall asleep?
      Carla: Yes.
      Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
      Carla: He's a good man, he's a good man, he's a good man...
      Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
      Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage? The back, the feet? I let you watch 'The Jeffersons'!
      Turk: Baby, I was... just exhausted from work.
      Carla: Well, when you were an intern you were always exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
      Turk: Oh, that's 'cause I was still trying to get into your delicates.

    • Dr. Cox: Look, please don't think I'm impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
      Lisa: J.D.! You ready to go?
      J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is "Wow." And the words I'm looking for are "In your face."

    • J.D.: I find, with the ladies, if you're clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall in to place. A.Q.?
      Dr. Cox: What!?
      J.D.: "A.Q." is sort of a new, hip expression - means "Any questions?"

    • J.D.: You know, Perry-
      Dr. Cox: "Perry"?
      J.D.: Yeah, I'm trying it out.

    • J.D.: All right, Mrs. Carlson, the surgeon that's gonna come by and do your lymph node dissection is a very handsome young man, so I don't want you to forget about me, okay? I'm serious, you naughty girl!

    • Dr Kelso takes Elliot's flier down
      Elliot: But, sir! Only one person took a phone number... so far!
      Todd: Someone's getting a late-night drunk call from The Todd.
      J.D.: Lucky girl.
      Todd: Yeah!

    • Turk: Baby. Do you realize how long it's been since we've had an afternoon off, just the two of us?
      Carla: Yeah....
      Turk: I mean, I'm thinking I should give you a sensual massage... rub your feet a little... and maybe, if you're interested, sex you up and what-not!
      Carla: Come here.
      Turk: I'll get the TV.
      Carla: No, you know what? Leave it on. I know how much you like 'The Jeffersons'.
      Turk: Baby, you're a gift from God!

    • Dr. Cox: Just start Ancef 1 gram Q 8 hours, and oh, my God, did I just ask my ex-wife to move in with me?
      J.D.: Mmm-hmm.
      Laverne glares at him
      J.D.: What? You don't own that!

    • Jordan: You know what I hate?
      Dr. Cox: So many things...
      Jordan: That's true. I stay at your house almost every night, and even though I feel like crap in the morning, I've gotta drive all the way back to my apartment to get ready and then drive all the way back here to go to board meetings.
      Dr. Cox: Well, then, why don't you just leave your boobs and some other stuff at my place?

    • Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, I have to tell you - despite how crazy-hormonal you are, there is something about a pregnant woman that's almost spiritual.
      Jordan: Really?
      Dr. Cox: Honestly you-you have never looked so beautiful.
      Jordan: It's the giant boobs, isn't it?
      Dr. Cox: Well, have you seen them lately?
      Jordan: Yes. Relax.
      J.D.: I've seen bigger.
      Laverne shoots him a look.
      J.D.: No, not you. Although, kudos!

    • J.D.'s Narration: Dry spell, prepare to be moistened!
      J.D.: Hey, Lisa! How you doin'?
      Lisa: J.D., I can't give you free gum.
      J.D.: Free gum- No! You know, I was just thinking, you're probably one of those girls that's so pretty that no one ever has the courage to ask you out.
      Lisa: No, I get asked out all the time.
      J.D.'s Narration: Okay, momentary set-back. Regroup. Regroup!
      J.D.: Hey, go out with me... It's the right thing to do.
      Lisa: Sure, why not.
      Choir: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
      J.D.: Very funny, you dumb choir punks! Santa's a drunk!

    • Choir Director: Okay, boys, remember, now: When we get upstairs, it's the trauma ward, not the "drama ward," so smiles, everyone. Smiles.

    • J.D.: Okay! So I'm in a bit of a dry spell... I have no idea what to do with myself.
      Turk: Why don't you give Rowdy a bath - he smells a little ripe.

    • Turk: I know we put on a hell of a show, but, dude, put some shades on or something!
      J.D.: Let's not make a big deal out of this.
      Carla: J.D., when was the last time you got laid?
      J.D.'s Narration: Okay, just subtly take the spotlight off yourself.
      J.D.: Once, on a red-eye flight, Turk groped a trans-sexual.
      Turk: Baby, it was dark, and he/she had a body that was rockin'!

    • Turk: I want you to turn gift shop girl into gift shop woman.
      J.D.: I swear on all the gifts in her shop, I will make you proud.

    • Carla: Aren't you gonna get that?
      Elliot: Nah, it's just Todd. He's already called, like, four times to ask if I want to move into his pants.

    • J.D.'s narration: I know we seem insensitive, but in a crunch-time, most guys are smart enough to say the right thing.
      Turk: Baby... you have got to chill!
      Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, um... crazy person says what?
      Jordan: What!?
      Dr. Cox: Thatta girl.

    • J.D.'s narration: So, Little J.D. isn't rising to the occasion. It's not a big deal! Nobody knows about this but me!
      Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie, what's up?
      J.D.: Everything! Everything's up!
      Dr. Kelso: Rise and shine, sport!
      J.D.'s narration: What, did someone send out a flier?!
      Todd: Hey, J.D.! How's your penis?
      J.D.'s narration: All right, calm down, he says that to everyone.
      Todd: Hey, Goldman! How's your penis?

    • Elliot: Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!
      J.D.: Oh, come on, Elliot. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
      Elliot: Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.
      J.D.: You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.

    • Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent!
      Carla: It does for my sister.
      Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute!?
      Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak.

    • Janitor: (Walks up, dumps change on table) There's your stupid dollar. And by the way, your new nickname is "PeePee LeFritz." Enjoy.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Okay, you're freaking out! Just keep your head down, and move.
      Janitor: Oh I get it. I haven't paid you back so you won't even look at me?
      J.D.: No.
      Janitor: Its been one day, you greedy little bastard!

    • (J.D. kissing his date Lisa)
      Lisa: Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just having a really good time?
      J.D.: Actually it's a roll of quarters... laundry day!
      Lisa: Oh.
      J.D.: See ya.

    • Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, what are you doing in here?
      Elliot: Sorry, hi Dr. Kelso, I was just, um ah, I was on call.
      Dr. Kelso: Well I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it. But what do I know. I'm just a kindly old man that doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
      Elliot: Oh I've just been so swamped with work, I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
      Dr. Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all of that. But, if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds, and believe me missy, either one's fine with me.
      Elliot: Thank you, sir?
      Dr. Kelso: No problem.

    • Dr. Cox: (On the phone with Jordan again) Jordan if you're feeling like crap then I'll come straight home... of course with the food. No, I don't necessarily know if there is anything bigger than a super-size but I'll ask the guy - Oh my God!

    • J.D.: I can't stop obssessing about this date I have tonight. What do you think I should do?
      Dr. Cox: Well for starters you should probably go ahead and thank your lucky stars that you finally found a gal that's into same-sex relationships.

    • Dr. Cox(On the phone with Jordan): Sure Jordan, I guess you can take over the master bathroom, but would you do me a favor and leave my sleeping pills out in case when I get home I wanna take three hundred of them?

    • Dr. Kelso: (To J.D. and Elliot talking) Can anybody tell me the bacterial etiology of toxic shock syndrome? Oh, I beg your pardon, so many doctors standing around I assumed it was rounds, but you were looking at the wall so that means it's an art exhibit. When does the gay gentlemen come around with the tray of champange?
      Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
      Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not bring your problems to work day, this is just work day.

    • Dr. Cox: Newbie, when a patient has an infection, I make it a policy not to push on it.

    • Janitor: (Hand in vending machine) Come to papa.
      J.D.: (Coughs)
      Janitor: Yeah, the ah, coil didn't complete its revolution. My candy's just hangin' there instead of droppin'.
      J.D.: Aha, okay whatever. If you're hungry man I can loan you a buck.
      Janitor: A buck! What a kind offer from the charitable doctor money-bags.
      J.D.: Look you can either be a jerk as usual, or you can accept this gracious offer and get some caramel draped in nougat. Your choice, jumpsuit.

    • J.D.: Good morning Dr. Cox!
      Dr. Cox: Hahaha Denise, I know it's morning. If it was last night I'd still be with my extremely pregnant ex-wife trying to get her to calm down with a chair and a whip because, believe it or not, I somehow managed to forgot to bring home the curly fries. Do you see where I'm going here? Yes, no, maybe so? (whistles) Doctor?

  • Notes

  • Allusions