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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
Dr. Todd Quinlan
Dr. Cox criticizes J.D. for wearing a lab coat despite the fact that Cox himself wears one in virtually every other episode.
"A Little Better" by Keren DeBerg
"Here Comes My Baby" by Cat Stevens
Laverne: Come on, baby. Let's see if we can find you a ride.
J.D.: Laverne! Careful.
Dr. Kelso: So, uh, I hear there was an age mix-up that I was not aware of. And, umm... anyway, uhh...
Carla: You're okay.
Dr. Kelso: I'm... "sorry".
J.D.'s Narration: I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm proud of you, Robert. Put her there.
He holds out his hand then jerks it away.
Dr. Cox: Woof. Oh, and I think it's important you understand that I had no idea how old that patient was, and, for the record, she could've been a hundred and seventy - I still woulda stuck her in that trial so fast, it'd make your teeth fall out all over again.
J.D.: You were wrong and I was right.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
J.D.: Anosmia isn't a side-effect of I.V. Imipenem. Plus, Mr. Blair had multiple nasal polypectomies, and septoplasty; and his loss of smell is most likely caused by repeated manipulation of the sinuses along with concurrent infection. So, I didn't make a mistake; and you were wrong when you said, "Nice goin', Newbie."
Dr. Cox: Here you've put me in a tough situation: I can't honestly decide whether to say, "Duh," uh, "Doy," or a very sarcastic, "Oh, really?" My God, Fiona, I know it wasn't your fault; hell, the patient probably knows! But he seemed a little distraught, like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two just might make him feel a little better? And, I know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes right along with wearing that fancy white coat? It... does, doesn't it.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm so proud of ya. Put her there.
He hold out his hand
Dr. Cox: Woof.
J.D.'s Narration: "Woof"?
J.D.'s Narration: Armed with the knowledge that I was right and he was wrong, I thought I'd enjoy this walk more. Still, I couldn't help but empathize, because I've been there, and I saw the signs: The shameful, averted gaze... The nervous shifting... And, of course, the wild, uncontrollable urination.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm thrilled you approve, but, for the last time: I'm up here. I'm up here. I'm up here!
Carla: Mrs. Bumbry's fifty-three.
Dr. Kelso: Mrs. who is what?
Carla: The patient Dr. Cox got in to the G.I. clinical trial. She was disqualified because her chart said she was sixty-three, and the cut-off is fifty-five. But, the genius who admitted her calculated her age wrong; she's actually a perfect candidate.
Dr. Kelso: And Dr. Cox knew this?
Carla: He knew the whole time.
Dr. Kelso: Fan-damn-tastic. Sweetheart, you'd better do the old heel-toe out of here, because you know as well as I do I'm going to take this out on somebody.
Ted: May I, uh, join you?
Dr. Kelso: By all means!
Woman: Excuse me, Doctor?
Janitor: Oh, no, I'm not a doctor; I'm a janitor.
Woman: Oh. I just assumed because of the coat.
Janitor: Right. Well, uh, janitors wear white coats around here, too.
Woman: Oh. You guys do a great job keeping this place clean.
Janitor: We thank you.
J.D.: No, I'm a doctor! Look at the books, woman!
Dr. Cox: Oh, sore spot!
Elliot: Uh, what spot?
Dr. Cox: "Sore spot."
Dr. Cox: And for the hundredth time: You're right, you had absolutely nothing to do with me getting involved in this Mrs. Bumbry case. But, for God's sake, Carla, the much bigger problem facing us right now is just exactly how do we get you to stop annoying me?
Carla: Oh, yeah, I'm the problem. Look: Can't you just, for once, stay out of your own way?
Dr. Cox: Can't you just, for once, not be such a busy-body?
Elliot: No, Dr. Murray, I don't want any fries to go with this shake! I don't even know what that means!
Noelle: Excuse me, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: What? What!? You wanna ask me how many ceiling tiles I've counted this week? Or maybe you just wanna call me a name: Like "tramp" or "ho" or "slesident" - which, apparently, is half "slut" and half "resident".
Elliot: Then what is it, Noelle, what do you want?
Noelle: I just wanted to know where the G-Spot is.
Elliot: The what-spot?
Dr. Amato: I saw you switched off on our exploratory laparotomy this afternoon.
Turk: Yeah, it's 'cause I-I-I had to do a-
Dr. Amato: It's because I'm short.
Turk: You're not short.
Dr. Amato: Look, I know I'm the surgical assignment booby-prize, okay; but if my only other choice is being stuck in that stupid boys' club, I'd rather have them all make fun of me.
Turk: What could they possibly make fun of you-
Dr. Amato: Stop it. All I'm saying is that it's possible to be a good surgeon without playing their game, okay?
Turk: You're really short.
Dr. Amato: I know.
Mr. Blair: I told you I didn't want these antibiotics. Tell you what: When your first grand-kid is born, you pick him up and you smell his head, why don't you give me a call and tell me how great it is?
J.D.: Mr. Blair, I'm really sorry this happened.
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, it hits you in places you didn't even know you were vulnerable.
Mr. Blair: Yeah, well you should be. It's your fault.
Dr. Cox: No more silly medical mistakes, huh? Nice going, there, Newbie.
J.D.'s Narration: Damn.
Turk: Plus, when she dated J.D., she would just wear a t-shirt in the morning; so when she reached up high to grab a box of cereal, everybody in the room got two scoops of booty-flakes; and the two scoops - they were packed with flavor. You know what I'm sayin'!
Laverne: The patient's complaining of anosmia.
J.D.: Anosmia? You know, I always thought it was very funny that losing your sense of smell was called anosmia. "Anos-mia", you know, like "schnoz-mia." Don't you find that very funny?... He doesn't.
Laverne: I'm calling Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Whoa; nobody needs to go call Dr. Cox.
Mr. Blair: This is only temporary, right?
J.D.: 'Course it's temporary. It could also be slightly more un-temporary.
J.D.'s Narration: I don't care what hospital you go to, Surgery is still a boys' club... I'm just as cool as those guys.
J.D.(waving exuberantly): Bye, Turk!!!
J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is, if you are a criminal, even if you aren't afraid of Starsky, if you round a corner and a tiny little Hutch puppet jumps out at your face - "Freeze, sucka!" - you're done for, it's over.
Turk: Does it have a real gun or a puppet gun?
J.D.: Puppet gun. They'd sew it to its hand.
Turk: Okay, I'd watch that.
Dr. Cox: Look, Carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. Hey! Anyone from that clinical trial around? Hello? Hello?... Yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial.
Carla: What the hell did you just do?
Dr. Cox: When you speak of this - and I know you will - could I be shirtless? See, I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.
Carla: You okay, Mrs. Bumbry?
Mrs. Bumbry: I liked Bow Wow when he was Lil' Bow Wow.
Dr. Cox: Oh, she's right - rappers, they grow up so fast.
Janitor: How's it goin'?
J.D.: You can't wear that!
Janitor: What, you mean after Labor Day? Eh.
J.D.: You know what I mean!
Janitor: It's a white coat. Anybody can wear a white coat.
J.D.: Mr. Blair, that infection keeps hanging around so I wanna put you on a broader spectrum antibiotic that we'll administer intravenously.
Mr. Blair: But I'm feeling a lot better.
J.D.: I'm gonna tell you something my mom used to tell me whenever I was scared: In the case of severe sinus infection not responding to a three day cycle of antibiotics, the recommended protocol is Imipenem, 500 milligrams, I.V.q. six hours. Got me through a lot of hard times.
Laverne: She slept with him, and she hardly knew him.
Mr. Blair: Does that happen a lot around here?
Laverne: Not enough.
Elliot walks past OR
Todd: As soon as we get out of this sterile field, I am going need the man who hit that (holds up his hand) to hit that!
Elliot: Well, Mrs. Bumbry, I wish I had better news, but, unfortunately, you didn't qualify for the G.I. clinical trial, so we'll just keep plugging away.
Mrs. Bumbry: Great. So, how was the sex with that guy?
Elliot: What guy? I was- I wa- I was- I wasn't-
Carla: Elliot. I have other patients, Mrs. Bumbry needs a nap, we're all very busy...
Elliot: I have never done anything like this; I just met him and slept with him! POW!
Mrs. Bumbry: God, I miss one-night stands.
Elliot: The best thing was, since I knew it was just a fling, I wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what I wanted.
Carla: Which was?
Elliot: Shirt on, lights off, no talking.
Carla: Well, you just be careful - you wouldn't believe how quickly a reputation can be made in this hospital.
Mrs. Bumbry: You're a bit of a slut, aren't you?
J.D.: Why do you keep ending up with that guy?
Turk: Because the other surgeons are busting my chops for skipping guys' night out.
J.D.: Oh, what, ending up with Dr. Amato is like a punishment or something?
Turk: No, dude; I actually enjoy needing you to lower me on the toilet in the morning.
J.D.: You know, you guys are getting to be like Starsky and Hutch.
Turk: That'd be true if Starsky was a ventriloquist and Hutch was a tiny puppet.
J.D.: I would watch that show.
Dr. Amato: Hey, there, big fella. Just checked the board - we're together on a thyroidectomy this afternoon. Could be a long one.
Turk: Oh, that's great, Dr. Amato.
J.D.: Domo arigato, Dr. Amato.
Not amused, Dr Amato walks off.
J.D.: How is that not funny?
Turk: I don't know, dude.
Carla: How's the back, Sweetness?
Turk: Perfect. Baby, I'm sorry the last couple of nights I haven't been able to give you the regular dose of the Turky jerky; but you rest assured your man will be back in action before you know it.
Carla: You go ahead and take your time.
Dr. Cox: "Buster Brown"?
J.D.: "Buster Brown."
J.D.'s Narration: Focus all energy on lip not quivering.
Dr. Kelso: Sharp coat, sport.
J.D.: Oh, yeah. It's spiffy!
Dr. Cox: Shocker, Big Bob - you care more about appearances than actual-
Dr. Kelso: Better finish that thought quickly, Perry, I'm not breaking my gait.
Dr. Cox: Just saying: Substance, style, what's important, coat, not-
Dr. Kelso: Ha! Ha! Ha! Too slow!
J.D.: Think you really got through to him.
Dr. Cox stops and turns.
J.D.: Oh, my God, you hear like a bat!
Mr. Blair: You got me in the I.C.U. for a cold?
J.D.: Mr. Blair, you have a severe sinus infection, with orbital extension; you were admitted delirious from your hundred and six degree temperature, completely naked and very adamant about staying that way.
Mr. Blair: I was hot.
Laverne: I'll second that. Mm-hmmm.
Turk: Dude, you are such a loser, man.
J.D.: I think I look spiffy. I'm trying to separate myself from the whole pack.
Carla: Oh, you already have, Bambi - you're the biggest geek to ever come through here.
Turk: Yeah, he is.
Carla: Don't laugh, you're the jocky frat-boy with a back problem.
Turk: Yeah, I am.
Dr. DiStefano: Hey there, Doctor.
Elliot: Oh, me! Of course, because I'm a--I'm a doctor. I mean I-I've got the, uh, I've got the outfit. I've got the, uh, heart, uh, hearing thingie.
Dr. DiStefano: Uh, "stethoscope."
Elliot: Oooh, paging Dr. Know It All to the cafeteria!
Turk: Oh, my back is on fire. If Dr. Amato was any shorter, I'd be passing him instruments with my feet.
J.D.: You're gonna be fine, ma'am.
Lady: I work here.
J.D.: That still doesn't change the fact that you're gonna be fine!
Ted: It's my birthday
Ted: Nothing. (JD leaves and Ted sings to himself)... and many more.
Janitor: Oh, so we're done with the coats? All right. Well, it was a fun day, though, wasn't it? See you tomorrow.
J.D.: Well, you know, maybe tomorrow, I'll get a bad hair-cut and push around a mop all day!
Elliot: That girl just asked me to give her my top ten sexual positions; and, after the two that I knew, I just started naming insects.
Turk: Elliot, that really sucks; I'm sorry.
Elliot: I'm not sure. I mean, I was mad at you at first, but it's actually kind of empowering, you know, to have this... persona - this identity. I mean, I'm not just some, you know, nameless, faceless white doctor - I'm Elliot Reid: Tramp.
Turk: Wow. That's great! If you're happy, I'm happy.
Elliot: The weird thing is, she said she'd already tried "Stink-bug."
Ted: Unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind.
Dr. Kelso: Way to go, Ted. My God, man, you couldn't scare a child.
Ted: Who - who would want to?
Todd: T-Dog, settle a little medical debate for us: I think Elliot's got a modest rack, at best; but my favorite attending, here, says that when he was "tuning in Tokyo" the other night, the reception was excellent!
Turk: You guys, Elliot's a friend of mine, so I really don't want to talk about that, okay?
Dr. DiStefano: So, Dr. Turk, how is your back?
Turk: My back's as swollen as Elliot's big-ass breasts, sir.
Elliot: Oh, do me! Do me! Do me!
J.D.: You're gonna want to be careful about yelling that out in a bar.
Elliot: I'm serious! All you guys get to be something: The dork, the jock, the spicy firecracker from the school of hard knocks. No offense, Carla. Dammit, what am I?
Carla: You're white.
Turk: The whitest.
J.D.: Yeah, you are.
Elliot: Oh, come on, J.D.'s white!
J.D.: I ain't hearin' that, woman, 'cause I'm talkin' to him.
Turk: Okay, it's a tie.
Janitor: I was in the military.
J.D.: Where did you come from!?
Janitor: If I find out you're wearing a bronzie, without having served, I'm gonna make things uncomfortable for you.
J.D.'s Narration: Coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.
J.D.: You were never in the military.
Janitor: Yes, I was.
J.D.: Which branch?
Janitor: The... janitor branch.
J.D.: Ted, maybe you should calm down.
Ted: Maybe YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes... They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting!
J.D.: No, I-I just gave him I.V. Imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just... get rid of the nose!
J.D.: Ted, I don't- I don't have the nose.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, do you have any idea how much money this hospital makes from that G.I. trial, into which you took the liberty of enrolling your patient?
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and guess seven dollars.
Dr. Cox: Listen closely tiny dancer, I wouldn't be flapping my mouth if I'd forgotten to get a blood culture on Mr. Blair, and for the love of God, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense. Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much, or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy-band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove by. Of course I don't know, I'm just guessing. But one thing's sure shootin' - you wound up at the dum-dum store and just went ahead and put as much of that in the car as you could fit, didn't ya?
J.D.: Look! Doctor, if you'd flipped the page on that chart you'd see that I pan-cultured him yesterday. But that would probably get in the way of the perverse pleasure you get in pointing out other people's slip-ups. Well too bad Buster Brown, because I'm a resident now and I'm not making the same silly little intern mistakes I made last year. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't stand here and yell at me in front of my patient.
Dr. Cox: Why in the hell are you wearing a coat?
J.D.: I'm a doctor.
Dr. Cox: Look Babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.
J.D.: Well I look doctorly.
Dr. Cox: No, you look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel and then tells everybody to call him "Sarge", and newbie, nobody likes that guy. Not a soul.
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: January 28, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My New Coat" refers to the Lab Coat that J.D. wore throughout the episode.
In Ted's office, the picture behind him is Sam Lloyd's mother.
Dana Gould Stand-Up Routine
One of J.D.'s fantasies involves an imaginary opera singer (Bruce Sledge) who sings the word "Mistake!" whenever J.D. does something stupid. This is a joke also used in a stand-up routine by comedian Dana Gould. In the end credits, Bruce Sledge's character is revealed to have the name "Dana Gould".
When Dr. Cox calls J.D. a "tiny dancer", he is referring to the Elton John song "Tiny Dancer".
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