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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Todd/Dr. Todd Quinlan
Nurse Laverne Roberts
"She Says" by Howie Day
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
This episode marks the first time J.D.'s car got its name 'Malik'.
When Turk and Dr. Kelso are standing directly behind the rear of Kelso's car, they have to jump out of the oncoming car's path to avoid being run over. Turk lands on the left side of Dr. Kelso on the ground, but right after the crash he is on the right side.
Elliot: It wasn't just stuff! It was all of my yearbooks... And this little pink blanket that my grandmother had crocheted for me and... all of my first love letters... And my shoes!
Turk: I just don't feel like going back to that hospital, you know?
J.D.: Yeah... Hey, is my breath okay? Because I think Lisa and I actually might try talking tonight.
Turk: Dude, that whole damn building is packed with liars!
J.D.: It is not.
Cut to classroom
Janitor: Well, if the cut was that deep, I'd probably just, uh, pull your arm off.Once again: Doctor... Jan... Itor. Dr. Jan Itor.
Carla: Maybe all that therapy has changed you?
Dr. Cox: Oh, please, I'm crazier than ever. Lookit, during this entire conversation, I've actually been imagining myself sitting on a throne between us, watching all of this.
Carla: Maybe we're just not as close as we used to be.
Dr. Cox: Maybe.
Carla: So, you're just, like, right here, watching us?
Dr. Cox: No... Other side... m'yeah... I'm... invisible to the naked eye.
Dr. Cox: Why didn't you stop me?
Dr. Cox: Why did you let me harass that guy?
Carla: So, you think the fact that you got annoyed and became incredibly insensitive with another human being is my fault?
Dr. Cox: Yeah! Lookit, whenever I'm about to do some stupid-ass stuff, you're the one who calls me on it, and you're then damn-sure the one who makes me stop.
J.D.: Hey, uh, Elliot... Look, you were right - I... I should have been there for you last night.
J.D.: And I'm sorry you lost all your things, that totally sucks. How're you holding up?
Elliot: You know what? It was just stuff. I'm fine. This is good! It feels like we've really turned a corner, you know?
J.D.'s Narration: Throw her down on that gurney and mount her like a lion.
J.D.: I know!
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman. Great news: Dr. Zeltzer and I have gone over your test results, and your prognosis is excellent.
Mr. Corman: That's great.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is!
Mr. Corman: But you know what? You guys can pat yourself on the back all you want, but I'm not an idiot. I know that you were screwing with me; that I come in here sometimes, thinking I'm sick when I'm not. But if you remember anything, you remember this: If it turns out I didn't have cancer, I coulda been just some guy coming in here, looking for help... that you treated like crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Mr. Corman: The whole thing has given me an ulcer.
Carla: You wanna be tested for that, too, don't you?
Mr. Corman: Do ya mind?
Guy: Look, it was an accident. My... flashlight didn't have any batteries.
Turk: So, you decided to put your penis in there...?
Elliot: You're such an ass.
Laverne: Could you speak up? Mr. Roberts doesn't hear so well.
Elliot: Laverne, if you're looking for your beeswax, none of that is over here, okay?!
Laverne: Now she all mad.
Elliot: Look, I really just needed your help last night, and you completely bailed on me.
J.D.: You're the one that drew all these lines up, said that we're not in a relationship right now.
Elliot: J.D., I wasn't looking for a boyfriend last night - I was looking for a friend.
Laverne: Guess she told him.
J.D.: Then what's with the look?
Elliot: Oh, I have a crick in my neck. See, uh, since I no longer have any furniture for my new place, I had to sleep in my tub last night.
Dr. Zeltzer: That was some catch. The patient shows almost no symptoms, you call for a bone marrow biopsy? What made you even think to do that?
Dr. Cox: How about, he was unbelievably annoying, and I wanted to scare him so bad that he'd never come back in my hospital again?
Carla: Oh! Don't worry, Dr. Zeltzer, he's only kidding!
Dr. Zeltzer: Stupid! See, that's where Leventhal has the edge - he woulda got that; the man is hilarious. Well, of course, he wouldn't be laughing so hard if he knew I was sleeping with his wife.
Dr. Cox: This is Dr. Zeltzer. He is the finest oncologist we have on staff.
Dr. Zeltzer: Really? You think so?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Zeltzer: Thank you!
Mr. Corman: So, where do we start?
Dr. Zeltzer: Well, uh, first off, we need to- Better than Leventhal?
Mr. Corman: Leventhal's a quack. You're the guy. You're the man. You can do it!
Dr. Zeltzer: Bless you.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, I'm afraid you have Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia. It is a very rare form of... of cancer.
Mr. Corman: Yeah... I think I had that in college once.
Turk: Dude, she was going like thirty-five miles an hour. All you saw was, like, knuckles and a bun... Poor Bessy, man.
J.D.: What kind of grown man still names his car?
Turk: You do.
J.D.: Yeah, well, I've had Malik since I was seventeen; that's totally different.
Carla: Dr. Cox, I think you should take a look at, um, Mr. Corman's chart.
Dr. Cox: Why, what's he got, scurvy? Mr. Corman? There's no chance you were on a ship in the 1700s, is there?
Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Corman, how'd that go for ya?
Mr. Corman: Horrible pain. I made sounds like a dolphin giving birth.
Dr. Kelso: Now, son, give me the real skinny - did you pull her license or not?
Turk: Yes, sir, I did.
A car, being driven by Mrs. Kay, speeds straight towards them.
Mrs Kay drives straight into Dr. Kelso's car.
Turk: Okay... I didn't tell her yet, sir. But I swear I was gonna!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, will you just hear me out? All I'm saying is that Mrs. Kay looks like she's in great shape!
Dr. Kelso: My God, son, the woman is recovering from major surgery on her...
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Why do I keep blanking on that?
J.D.: So, anyway, Elliot...
Elliot: Hey, I found an apartment!
J.D.: Great! You know, but there's no rush for you to move out.
Elliot: Well, what are we gonna do, just live with each other forever, and anytime we feel, like, lonely or vulnerable, we just hop into bed and have hot sex?
J.D.: That would be stupid.
Todd: What's up, Medical Dogs!
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, you're smarter than him. Think of something clever to get him out of here.
J.D.: Hey, Todd.
J.D. tosses an imaginary object towards the door.
Todd: What the hell? Did you just throw something out into the hall?
Dr. Cox: It's just that the guy's here like a thousand times a year, taking up a bed. And every second I'm in there with him, it's time away from somebody I could actually help.
Carla: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Dr. Cox: Follow my lead... Alas, Mr. Corman, shockingly, all your labs have come back and they're negative for... everything.
Mr. Corman: Aw, come on!
Dr. Cox: Okay, I'll tell you what: You have suggested that you're feeling rather tired lately, haven't you.
Mr. Corman: I'm listening.
Dr. Cox: And that you bruise easily?
Mr. Corman: Like an old banana.
Dr. Cox: For the record, I think you're fine. But, if you'd like, we can go ahead and check out your bone marrow. Of course, that would mean sticking an enormous needle all the way through your hip - and it's very, very, very, very excruciatingly painful. Right, Carla?
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Carla. Now, what's it gonna be, there, champ? Head home and get some rest, or an afternoon of senseless, mind-numbing... agony?
Mr. Corman: Eh, what the hell. I'll take the giant hip needle.
Lisa: Fine. But I am taking my own car so I can escape in case you turn into a freak again.
J.D.: It's a date!
Turk: Dude. With gift shop chick... did you ever 'ehn-ehn!'?
Carla: Turk! Elliot's right here!
Elliot: Why would I care?
Carla: I'm sorry. I guess, when I was passing by J.D.'s room the other night, he was telling a different Dr. Reid not to stop.
Turk: "Ohh! Dr. Reid!" Sweet!
Dr. Kelso: I don't care what the old bat says - I doubt she can back out of her own driveway. Tell her you're calling the DMV and having her license revoked immediately.
Turk: Why don't you tell her yourself, sir?
Dr. Kelso: 'Cause she's my friend! Don't be insensitive, son, it's ugly on you!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, are you trying to make time with my best girl, sport? Now. How do you feel after surgery on your...
Dr. Kelso: ...brain.
Turk: Mrs. Kay is doing great, sir. But, after this type of procedure, most people experience a diminished reaction time.
Mrs. Kay: Christopher, come here.
Turk leans to her and she slaps him.
Mrs. Kay: Maybe you should worry about your own reaction time.
Mr. Corman: Here is the Mountain Dew - I'm just kidding, that's my urine sample. And you can start timing...now. So, how you been doing? Still seeing that surgeon?
Carla: No talking.
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy of joys - Mr. Corman, you've joined us yet again. And what imaginary disease is ailing you this time, my good man?
Carla: This time he thinks he has the Yaba virus.
Mr. Corman: Your hair got longer. And I don't appreciate your tone.
Dr. Cox: Last month, you thought you had familial Mediterranean fever.
Mr. Corman: I was at my friend Kelly Papadopoulos' wedding, okay? I share a glass of ouzo with this guy named Yanos. Twenty minutes later, I'm in a cab, I gotta ask the guy to pull over because I'm gonna explode in some guy's rose garden! Now, what would you think?
Dr. Cox: Same thing I think right now: That you got yourself a bad case of the wish-you-were-sicks.
Elliot: See? This is good. I don't feel weird.
J.D.: I don't feel weird.
Laverne: I feel weird.
Elliot: I understand that it's gonna be a little bit harder for you to transition into being just friends again.
Elliot: Because... you're a guy?
J.D.: What does that have to do with anything?
Elliot: You're right. You know what we should do? Everything I own is in the back of this truck - including my bed. We should just get in there, get naked, and have sex one last time - just get it out of our system.
Cut to J.D. in the van with just his underwear on
Elliot: J.D., I was kidding to prove a point.
J.D.: I know... Oh, yeah... this is how you like it.
J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, life is a lot simpler at home... Unless you live with a co-worker you're crazy about, and she recently decided she can't handle sleeping with you, and she just wants to be friends.
Elliot: Told you I could fit in this spot!
J.D.: You were right. I'll just... put this guy's side-view mirror on his roof.
J.D.'s Narration: It's weird to run into someone from the hospital out in the real world.
J.D.: Oh, hey, Dr. Kelso.
Turk: How... how ya doin', sir?
Dr. Kelso: I'm just Jim Dandy. Now, unless your pants are made out of Turtle Wax, I suggest you boys get your asses off of Bessy.
J.D.: Oh, I'm sorr- You named your car, huh?
Turk: Where the hell is Carla, man? We're gonna miss the previews!
J.D.: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: I hate that stereotype that all black people yell at movie screens. You know? Like, you go see some horror flick, and you be yelling, like, "Don't go in there, girl, he behind the door!" You know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't you?
J.D.: Why does she go in there!? I mean, he's behind the door!
Dr. Kelso: Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?
Patient: Oh no sir. Never use drugs.
Dr. Kelso: Because this shot you're about to get could kill you if it's mixed with narcotics.
Patient: Oh drugs! Yes sir, all the time!
Dr. Kelso: See? Waiting for the tox-screen, six hours. Frightening the bejeebies out of the local riff-raff, 10 seconds.
J.D.: Even if it breaks your heart to be just friends, if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.
Girl: I'm still a virgin.
Turk: You're pregnant.
Janitor: I was just thinkin' about what you said, and, uh, you're right -- buncha kids don't want to hear about being a janitor.
J.D.: I never said that.
Janitor: It's okay. 'Cause, instead, I'm gonna be a doctor. I borrowed some stuff from your locker -our locker - and, um...listen, if I don't get it back to you within, like, two days...consider it gone.
J.D.: Going on vacation?
Janitor: I get it - 'cause I'm a janitor, so, when I pack for a vacation, I just pack cleaning supplies. That's funny!
J.D.: I thought so.
Janitor: Actually, I'm going to speak at my son's career day.
J.D.: About... being a janitor?
Janitor: What do you think, there aren't kids out there that want to grow up to make the world sparkle?
Todd: Dude. What are her boobs like?
Elliot: Todd, I'm standing right here.
Todd: I'm sorry. What are your boobs like?
Dr. Cox: Ahhh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxie about the naught-aye!
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment, and so I was just...needing a place to stay.
Dr. Cox: So, you went over to your "friend's" house, and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo, wah - and you, of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable, and blah... blah... blah... nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Laverne: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories!
Dr. Cox: Would you say you've been in contact with many exotic primates this year?
Mr. Corman: I have been to the zoo, yes.
Dr. Cox: And while you were there did you go ahead and jump right into the cage and play toss the poop with the other monkeys? Because if you did then yeah, you just might have Yabba., but if that's the case it would be way, way down on the list of your problems. Give him a full work up.
J.D.: (To Turk) Why so sad chocolate bear?
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: February 7, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My New Old Friend" refers to J.D. and Elliot being friends again.
Richard Kind is now the third former Spin City cast member to guest star.
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