Scrubs Season 1 Episode 10

J.D.: So, did you, uh-did you get into photography when you were in college, or...?
Carla: No, actually, I never went to college.
J.D.: Ah. Don't tell any of my patients, but neither did I.

Elliot: Why'd you have me paged?
Jill: To ask you to forgive me.
Elliot: For what?
Dr. Cox: Hello, sad clown. Thanks for paging her.
Elliot: How could you?
Jill: He-he called me "Cutie" and then he said something about my eyes... being as blue as the ocean- I... I got confused.
Elliot: Yeah, it probably would've worked on me, too.
Dr. Cox: You're damn right it would've.

J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing worse than knowing you've wronged a friend and having to just lay it all out there and apologize.
J.D.: Look, Carla-
Carla: It's okay. You over-reacted.
J.D.: Yeah, but-
Carla: I should have realized you can stand up for yourself.
J.D.: Well, actually, I-
Carla: Sweetie, I know you would take it back if you could; I do! We're okay, right?
J.D.: I think I've said all I can.

Turk: Baby, J.D. is my best friend, but, listen, if you need me to kick his ass, I will kick his ass! 'Cause I care for you.
Carla: And 'cause I'm willing to sleep with you.
Turk: Hell, yeah.

Elliot: What did you do?
J.D.: She called me "Bambi" in front of everyone. My name is not Bambi!
Janitor: It's Scooter!

Jill: When I get out of here, we should totally hang!
Elliot: I'd love to! I should warn you, though, I work a ton, and when I'm off I usually stay at home to catch up on paperwork or read medical journals just to stay ahead of the curve. Oh, I'm a nerd.

Elliot: This is so much fun!
Dr. Cox: Careful, Rapunzel.
Elliot: Oh!
Dr. Cox: Fun time is officially over!
Carla: You think you can just treat Bambi like that and walk away?
Jill: Get him, girlfriend!

Jill: Okay, what if you've had three great dates and he likes you so much, he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?
Elliot: I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.
Jill: I could do it in one.
Elliot: Jill, Sabotage That Relationship!
Jill: For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive, then I would coerce him into having phone sex with me, after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future together... and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.
Elliot: We are so alike!

J.D.'s Narration: After working at a hospital for a while, you develop a sixth sense for danger. Maybe there's a mass cas. alert... maybe there's a code... or maybe someone spent the morning with the most annoying patient in the world and needs to vent. Luckily, I was prepared.
Dr. Cox: Did you do your pre-rounds?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Discharge summaries?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Pharmacy renewals?
J.D.: Yes!
Dr. Cox: Supply notes?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Central line changes.
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Okay, Janet. But... did you go ahead and fix your beeper so it doesn't play that annoying song every single time you get paged?
J.D.: Uh... yes.
His beeper goes off
J.D.'s Narration: Crap.

Dr. Kelso: Nice spot.
Turk: Yes, sir... it is.
Dr. Kelso: I usually try to get out here for lunch every day at 12:30.
Turk: You don't say...
Dr. Kelso: Yep. Every day. 12:30. For twenty-three years.

J.D.: Are we still on for that, uh, Bresson exhibit?
Carla: Yes, we are.
Turk: Oh, I'm sorry, uh...did somebody just ask out my girlfriend?
J.D.: You wanna come?
Carla: Oh: Black and white photography; very artsy-fartsy; no boobies.
Turk: Hell no.

Jill(on phone): I don't care if it wasn't 'good first-date conversation', Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies. I mean, over my dead body! What?... Actually, no...no, it wasn't, which is surprising because he's Jewish.
Elliot: I gave her two Valium.
Jill: Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking - How cool is that!
Dr. Cox: So, she's actually sedated as we speak?
Elliot: Mm-hmm!

J.D.: Ohhh, I can't believe I went out last night.
Carla: I thought you said you were exhausted?
J.D.: I was, but I figured I owed it to the ladies!
Carla: Do you ever stop giving?

J.D.'s Narration: From that moment on, I knew I'd be "Bambi" forever.
Cox: See you tomorrow, Scooter.

Carla: Todd, if you ever make that horny cat noise at me again, I will reach into your mouth and unscrew that 7-watt bulb that barely keeps your brain open for business.
Turk: Damn!
Todd: Dude, chick threats are hot.
Turk: What did I tell you about annoying Carla? If she makes me choose between the two of you, you know how it's gonna end up.
Todd: Yes, I do. And I thank you for that.

Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is "Scooter."
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: It's short for "Scooter Pie." I hate Scooter Pies.
J.D.: Oh. Now I see.
J.D.'s Narration: You big jerk!

Janitor: I'm gonna give you a nickname.
J.D.: That--that's good, but you know, I already--I have a nickname; it's...it's "J.D."
Janitor: How 'bout, uh...Whiny Face.... Whiny Britches! Whiny... something. I definitely like "whiny." Uh, Whiny Dancer!

J.D.: Hey. What are you doin'?
Turk: Reading a book. About how to tell my room-mate he drives me crazy sometimes without hurting his feelings.
J.D.: I think sarcasm works better when it's shorter.
Turk: Fascinating.
J.D.: Yeah, see, there ya go.

J.D.: But you just accepted my apology. You can't take it back!
Carla: Have you ever spent time with a woman?

Elliot: Is my punishment still coming or it just the horrible staring because the anticipation is killing me.
Dr. Cox: Make your case.
Elliot: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Cox: Well you tell me why Chorey McCrazy-Chore should get to stay here two more nights.
Elliot: Okay, you don't understand how hard it is for some women to make it on their own now-a-days, I mean, Jill is so exhausted and its not going to get any easier because she is her own worst enemy, you know? I mean shes constantly trying to please everyone. She judges herself harsher than anyone does.
Dr. Cox: Have you actually seen what you look like today?
Elliot: I know, I'm a skank. And she never says no to anyone so...
Dr. Cox: Could you swing by my apartment after work, pick up a sample of my dog's stool and take it to the vet for me?
Elliot: I can do it at lunch. Ohh...
Dr. Cox: It's okay, Jill can stay a little longer. And if we're real lucky, she'll realize it's okay to give yourself a break every-once-and-a-while. Right?
Elliot: Yeah.

Elliot: Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: And there you are.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: I was just now wondering if there is anything that could actually push my headache into a full-blown migrane and there you are. What's the story on the adbit in sixty-four?
Elliot: She's great! I really like her!
Dr. Cox: Yeah, let's see if you can't focus on things that I actually give a rat's ass about.

Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Hey-you! For what its worth, I don't care if your beeper plays "Who Let the Dogs Out, hoof, hoof" as many times as you like.
J.D.: Actually, sir its "who, who", but thank you that's great.
Dr. Cox: Sure and oh Ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move runnin' to your mommy.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, your mommy ca-crushed me. She did. Uhh, I like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious, F.Y.I., J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on anymore. Nothing mean, she's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her.

Todd: Do you know what else stands up for itself?
J.D.: You know Todd, I'm not sure, but I'm gonna guess that it's your penis.

Elliot: [To Jill] We are so alike!
Jill: I know!
Dr. Cox: Stop! No you stop! Hahahahah-oh dear God. Miss Tracy, we're gonna go head...
Jill: Can you give me one sec., I'm on the zone, I'm trying to arrange up the food to have it delivered here. Fatty had a party and nobody came.
Elliot: Preachin' to the choir!
Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there until that night Junior year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by. And he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartel's and James and ba-dow hoo-hoo-hoo it was gone forever. Just like my patience is now.
Jill: So you do scary little speeches? That is so adorable!

Dr. Cox: Everyone we can all relax now, the planets have been re-aligned and order shall be returned to the people. Hey-you!
Elliot: Just give me two seconds I just gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look? Hmm, interesting... EKG negative, tilt table negative, echo negative, neyet, nada, zilch, nothing infact is wrong with her but a little stress and exhaustion brought on most likely by, oww let it come... being her!
Elliot: But if you...
Dr. Cox: No, nah-no, nah-no, nah-no, nah-no, nah-no, nah-no, nah-no, no. There's no time for yeah but's, I want her punted outa here in the next five minutes or you will be personally responsible for covering every missed shift during this years flu season. Now go, now go, now go.