Scrubs

Jordan: God, that feels good, J.D. (Dr. Cox stops kissing Jordan and turns her around) Dr. Cox: You will now pay for that... Jordan: God, I hope so!

Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is... J.D.'s Narration: In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are. Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man... I'm not joking. He's the devil. What's wrong with you people? This is- Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Great stuff, Perry! Great stuff! Is this guy a hoot, or what? (to Dr Cox) I'll have your ass for this.

Carla: You all claim you want more responsibility... But you're being outsmarted by a doctor who wears scrubs made out of hemp; you're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the clinic phones; and Bambi, did you ever place that femoral swan? J.D.: It's on my to-do list.

J.D.: His vitals are exactly the same. There's gotta be one attending in this stupid hospital. Carla: You guys are unbelievable. Turk: Oh, thank you, baby. Carla: Not the good kind. Turk: I know!

Janitor: You rang. Lurch. J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me. Janitor: You put it up there. J.D.: It's really neither here nor there. Janitor: Fine. All right, we're even. J.D.: Thank God. Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year? J.D.: Okay, I want that, then. Janitor: It's too late.

Dr. Kelso: There you are! Had to make me sweat, didn't ya! Good for you, buckaroo. Here. I took the liberty of writing out my introduction. Dr. Cox: Oh! "Bob Kelso is... the love of my life." Dr. Kelso: My wife was going to do it. Dr. Cox: She doesn't even seem to be here, Bob. Dr. Kelso: Eh. What're you gonna do?

Dr. Cox: I can't stop thinking about putting up with you. Jordan: Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that? Dr. Cox: I'm real sorry, but that's just not enough for me anymore. Jordan: Sweetie, I have feelings for you, too; I do. But unlike you, I have some balls, so you don't hear me whining about it.

Jordan: You don't like me. Dr. Cox: I watch you when you sleep. Jordan: Well that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, there's something I really want to say to you... Jordan: But can you say it while I'm drinking water? Because I'm really dying of thirst- Dr. Cox: I like you... again. There, you win. You can ahead and do your victory dance or slaughter a goat or whatever it is you do when you're happy.

Elliot: Look, I just thought we'd talk to you up here about it so you could see that we don't have any more beds and we really can't handle any more patients. ER Doc: Okay. You talk way too fast. Elliot: If you could just keep one person downstairs, we'd be willing to throw a parade for you! Carla: She needs you to give her a break. ER Doc: Oh. Well, tell her that we're really swamped. Carla: She can understand you! Elliot: Uh-huh! Yeah! ER Doc: Well then, uh, understand this: Chill out, bitty.

J.D.'s Narration: Ahh, the classic Catch-22 between Medical and Surgical. Bottom-line, somebody needs to be decisive. J.D.: Okay, here's the plan: We do nothing. Elliot: Sounds good. Turk: I'm in. Carla: That's inspiring.

Janitor: Want me to knock him out? J.D.: What are you doing in here? Janitor: I owe ya. I'm helping you out.

Turk: Who let that damn clinic page me 'cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy!? Huh!? Who!?

Jordan: My back hurts. Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well my front hurts, so touche. Jordan: Ah, always a charmer.

Ted: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night. J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember, the... uh, cartoon theme songs. Ted: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.

Ted: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital. J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time that we- Ted(sings): Legal! Man 1(sings): Accounting! Man 2(sings): Shipping and Receiving! Man 3(sings): On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens! J.D.: Hey, you got promoted! The Worthless Peons: And it's about time. He's been busting his hump around here for six years. Mm-mmm.

Carla: Say what you want, I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquet-ball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and pass the time by watching her sleep. Dr. Cox: Carla, it's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings. Carla: That's nice.

Carla: You still like her. Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room? Carla: That room's not empty.

Dr. Cox: Well, I'm glad we finally had a chance to, uh, talk. Jordan: You and me, both. I mean, I haven't had anyone to talk to lately. Dr. Cox: Whoa-kay. Jordan: But boy, you sure do talk fast. Dr. Cox: Bye-bye! Jordan: Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two.

Elliot: You guys, we're residents now. We're supposed to have more responsibility, you know? Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe. J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we're the most under-appreciated people at this hospital. Carla: Oh, Bambi, I really feel for you. J.D.: Thank you! Turk: She doesn't.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. As far as the whole intro thing goes, I've actually gone ahead and given it a lot of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass. Dr. Kelso: I think we both understand how this works. It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet: He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night. Jordan: Charming story.

Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for giving me this award. The fact that your first choice passed away last weekend in no way makes it any less special. Jordan: Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like it does.

Dr. Cox: Mary. Rhoda. Chart, please... What'd I stutter? Gimme the chart. Atta girl. Ew. Man. I don't like his 0-2 set. Grab me a doughnut, will ya? Elliot: Oh, you mean like a- um- a blood-pressure thingie? Dr. Cox: I mean like a glazed thingie. And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can't find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of 'em off. J.D.: You know that was...kind of demeaning. Dr. Cox: You know, you're right. Would you do me a favor and apologize to her while you get me some coffee. And please be quick, otherwise I'm just gonna have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You're done now. Yeah.

Dr. Cox: Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night. Dr. Kelso: Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page! Dr. Cox: Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here? Dr. Kelso: Ted's not an impressive man. Ted: Hey...! That- Ah, he's right.

Dr. Kelso: Perry. Dr. Cox: Beelzebub. Lackey! Ted: Hey, Dr. Cox. Dr. Kelso: I'm being honored tonight by the board of trustees, and they asked me to say a few words. Dr. Cox: Oh! Yawn. Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me. Dr. Cox: Wow. Seriously? Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Dr. Cox: Not interested. Dr. Kelso: I didn't ask if you were interested.

Turk: The doctor is in. Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the po-lice! Baby, are you ready to rock? Nurse: Great. Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up. Turk: I'm sorry; I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have enough time to pull the stick outta your ass.

Jordan: Good job, D.J. J.D.: You know, it's J.D. Okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners. Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunk-mate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. J.D.: It was Camp Meadow Wood... I made a lanyard.

Jordan: Say, let's play a game: I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is! J.D.: Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time. Dr. Cox: Heh? Jordan: Okay. Clumsy! Dr. Cox: Don't answer that, Newbie. J.D.: No worries. J.D. trips and falls.

Jordan: Hello, Perry. J.D.'s Narration: Oh, God. The ex-wife. Dr. Cox: Jordan. What a coincidence! You were in my dream last night. I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake - you, right? Jordan: Yes.

Dr. Cox: Sandy, whatta ya say we start our work day. J.D.: You know, "Sandy" isn't necessarily a girls' name. Dr. Cox: It's short for "Sandra". J.D.: Clearer.

J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter! It's funny; I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables - you know, the one where the-the lion's always hassling the little mouse... but then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw. Janitor: Oh, right.... But then the lion kills him anyway. Yeah. J.D.: No he doesn't. Janitor: Trust me.

Carla: Fine. I'll just go tell your patients that they're on their own because you're all too scared. J.D.: No, Carla. I'm the doctor. I should tell them.

Carla: No, he went home. But he said that Carol could cover for him. Turk: Is Carol the one with the really firm butt? J.D.: Well, I'm "Carol", so yes. Elliot: It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.

Janitor: Hey. I thought about what you said, and you're right - I owe you... so, I got you a date tonight. J.D.: Who? Janitor: Tim. J.D.: I'm not gay. Janitor: Huh? Oh! Oh... I get it. Neither is Tim.

Elliot: C'mon peeps! Let's go kick some sick patient ass! J.D.: That, my friends, is one nerdy honky. Turk: That's two.

Dr. Cox: Listen girlfriend, I don't wanna hear your misguided romantic notions, 'cause you see for me, sex is a sport, it's like raquetball, you play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope you dont get hit in the eye.

J.D: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay? It's not like something everybody can do. Janitor: Ohh, so you can do my stuff but I can't do yours. J.D.: Yes! Janitor: Okay hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor? J.D.: I don't know-the rough side of a sponge? Janitor: Damnit!