Scrubs

(J.D.'s fantasy date with Heather) J.D.: I had a really good time tonight. Heather: Thanks, me too. (Heather puts her hand out to shake but J.D. slaps it) J.D.'s narration: But I knew you needed me so I went for it. Italian style. J.D.: It's not what you want. (They start making out) J.D.'s narration: And just when it couldn't get any better... (Three guys walk up to them) Chad: J.D.? J.D.: Oh my God. Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Stegger. The three football players who used to beat me up in high school. Chad: Looks like we were wrong about you. J.D.: What are you guys up to now? Chad: We're all gay together. You remember Kristen Fisher? J.D.: Of course. You turned me down to both homecoming and prom even though I didn't ask you to either one. Kristen: Well I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you. If that's alright with you, Heather. Heather: As long as we make it all about J.D. J.D.: Sure. Come on in. Chad: Enough of this. Let's go bang. (Cuts back to reality) J.D.: And that's why Heather will never look attractive to you again. Turk: Come on buddy. J.D.: Where did I lose you? Turk: How did Kristen know Heather's name? J.D.: Damn! You're good!

Turk: I need you to ask Heather out on a date. J.D.: Don't worry, buddy. You know how I roll, I start with a couple of the cuff jokes. Next up I need you to find out if she's allergic to anything. That way I'll say I'm allergic to the same thing. Woman love that. "Gluten? Me too! We can eat together!" Thirdly, if I lose a patient I'll be able to cry like I just watched "Extreme Home Makeover". If everything goes according to plan, I should be out with her on a casual, not a real date, just two friends having a beer talking about their lives thing in seven to nine weeks.

J.D.: Uh, you know, Heather, I actually have a little nanny related question. Does a spoonful of sugar really make the medicine go down? Heather: You know what? Sometimes it does. J.D.'s narration: That was totally worth the six hours last night I spent writing that.

Ted: (About Heather) I'd let her give me a bath. I don't care if my mom was watching.

Dr. Cox: Move! Carla: What's up your butt? Laverne: Yeah, what is all up in there? Dr. Cox: Why don't you hop aboard the "What's Up Dr. Cox's Butt" trolley and we can begin our tour. Coming up on the left is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife, who's not allowed to lift a finger, which, thankfully, leaves it all up to these guys. (Shows his hands) Now, if you'll look to your right you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul and my very last nerve, which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to. Laverne: Does it help to know that Jesus loves you? Dr. Cox: It does not.

Dr. Cox: Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you? Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut", under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner! Dr. Cox: But, when will I have time to kill myself? Jordan: Not my problem!

Carla: Turk, look at this! (They watch the tape) Heather: (Puts ancient mask up to her face and growls at the baby) You know, for a half-breed baby your parents have some pretty nice stuff. (Puts the mask into her purse) Carla: She was a racist thief! Turk: Yeah, a smokin' hot racist thief. (Carla glares at Turk) Turk: You look pretty.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to talk to you, and I know that you won't speak to me, but that's okay because I just need you to listen. You're a scary, scary man and because I've been petrified of you I've stayed up every night for five years studying medical books, which I can pretty much now recite in my sleep. I don't have a husband or kids, and the last movie I went to see was "The Blair Witch Project", which is the main reason I stopped camping. That and the time a wolf mounted me. My point is, you've helped push me to become the doctor that I am today, and for that I want to thank you. One more thing, I'm sure, no dog could ever replace Baxter, but this little guy needs a home. If you decide that you don't want him, just bring him back to me.

(The guys are watching the hot nanny tape) Carla: Hey baby, what are you guys watching? Turk: Football. (Everyone agrees) Carla: Football? Isn't the season over? J.D.'s narration: And then every male in the room felt totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenonenon - the seamless collaborative guy lie. Keith: The American season is over, we were watching Mexican Football. Doug: They started late this year. Todd: Because of the churro vendors. Ted: They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line. J.D.: When the dispute turned violent, they called in Rodrigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Panditos to step in. Dr. Kelso: Thanks to señor Vasquez' experience dealing with the fruit pickers unions, he was able to broker a last minute deal and the season was salvaged. Turk: And that's why we're watching football in the spring. Carla: Whatever.

Laverne: Does it help to know that Jesus loves you? Dr. Cox: It does not. Laverne: Well, everything happens for a reason. Dr. Cox: Are you trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, AIDS, sugar free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman, and cancer all happen for a reason? Because I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not buying that. Laverne: "God works all things for good" - Romans 8:28. Dr. Cox: "Bull Dinky" - Perry Cox. 6'1. Buck eighty-five after lunch. (Winks)

Janitor: Anyway, let's do this. Just stay cool. Elliot: No problemo. (Both enter the hospital) Elliot: Top of the morning Dr. Walter Mickhead. Snoop Dogg resident, when we hitting the clubs, yo? Oh, Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger lickin' good. Janitor: So natural, did you act in college? Elliot: I did, thank you. Janitor: I can tell.